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Original poster

WWYD Ambushed By Ex's Family

151 replies

LoneWolfOfThePack · 27/10/2024 14:01

Hi,

I have a previous thread on here about ex and contact with my dd so won't go into too much detail again about it here to try to keep it as short, but for context I have a 10 week old DD, haven't been with her dad since I found out about the pregnancy and has had no contact so far. Social services have completed a risk assessment on him and have recommended supervised contact in a contact center funded by him... there has been no action on this so far and the last interaction I had with him was over 2 weeks ago when I told him to seek legal advice if he wasnt happy with what the ss recommended for court. He threw a strop, got abusive and I had to block him again.

The issue... today I went with a family member and their child to a local market stall type event. I saw 1 of exs sisters there and attempted the best I could to avoid her until she approached me and asked if I was lonepack, I said yes and she immediately picked up my sleeping DD out of her pram. A couple seconds later exs mother, other sister and 8 kids (assuming theirs) surrounded me and the pram so I couldn't move and proceeded to pass DD between them. Still not once did they ask if that was okay.

They then bombarded me with questions about why they can't have contact, they can't get in touch with the social worker, etc etc. They also confirmed (unintentionally I think) that ex had indeed been continuing to lie to myself and social services to downplay his risk.

They say that they want contact with my DD without ex knowing or being present. In a panic to get DD back so I could leave I said I'd think about it and gave them my number then practically ran away before I had an anxiety attack or worse they contacted ex to join in the ambush.

I will be notifying SS of this interaction tomorrow but I don't know what to do moving forward. Its shook me up abit as I've not had any interaction with any of them (apart from exs harassment) in almost a year until today.

Does anyone have any advice moving forward? WWYD in my situation? Do I let them have contact in the agreement that ex has no knowledge or involvement?

OP posts:
cocoloco23 · 27/10/2024 14:50

These people have no boundaries. She was picking up your baby before you confirmed who you are.

You agree to meet them for coffee and the second time you turn up, your ex will be there. Then they’ll be pushing to be the third party when he has contact (“oh the baby knows us so it’s fine”), then they’ll let him see your baby alone.

Contact SS, block any unknown numbers who call or message you, and keep yourself and your baby safe.

NC10125 · 27/10/2024 14:51

I think that you need to think about this in terms of risk to the child.

Sit down and think carefully about everything which you know about his family.

  • Would contact with them be a risk to the child if ex didn’t find out
  • Would contact with them be a risk to the child if ex did find out
  • Would ex be more or less of a risk to the child if his family had a relationship with the child
  • Do you have enough information to assess the risk accurately.

Based only on the info in your post I would think that the child having some link to their father’s family would be positive. But that there could be a significant risk here.

One option would be to propose supervised contact in a contact centre on the same deal that ex has been offered. But, you need to think carefully about risk here because supervised contact often moves onto unsupervised.

Reugny · 27/10/2024 14:52

OP there were 2 of you and a baby and 12 of them.

Your family member was working out how to get you all out of the situation unharmed.

Can you get your family member to email you with what happened at the market with date and time? It doesn't have to be long and complex.

That way if you do have to go for a non molestation order you have a record of the first incident.

Original poster
LoneWolfOfThePack · 27/10/2024 14:54

Stormyweatheroutthere · 27/10/2024 14:39

Do not engage with any of them. Presumably they see your ex? They could persuade you to let them have dd and allow ex contact... They are his family. Not your friends.. Block them immediately if any messages come... Your dd's safety and your mh come first. He wants contact he can use the proper channels..

Yes they have contact with him, ex lives with his mother and 1 of his sisters has been contacting ss on his behalf. The other sister did say that ex had told all of them that if they ever saw me in the street to not approach me though as he wanted to be the first person to meet DD (this is true as he also stated that rule in a message to me for some reason)

The sad thing is... ex doesn't even want contact with DD, if he did he'd be ringing round every contact center in a 10 mile radius to facilitate this. He only wants to see DD if I am present, he's told both me and ss that he will not agree to contact in any other way. In his view its DD and me, Me alone or nothing! This (along with other reasons) is why DD will be at huge risk being anywhere near him without it being in a controlled environment being supervised.

OP posts:
Reugny · 27/10/2024 14:55

NC10125 · 27/10/2024 14:51

I think that you need to think about this in terms of risk to the child.

Sit down and think carefully about everything which you know about his family.

  • Would contact with them be a risk to the child if ex didn’t find out
  • Would contact with them be a risk to the child if ex did find out
  • Would ex be more or less of a risk to the child if his family had a relationship with the child
  • Do you have enough information to assess the risk accurately.

Based only on the info in your post I would think that the child having some link to their father’s family would be positive. But that there could be a significant risk here.

One option would be to propose supervised contact in a contact centre on the same deal that ex has been offered. But, you need to think carefully about risk here because supervised contact often moves onto unsupervised.

You think that someone picking up a random baby in a group without permission is not a risk to a child?

Give your head a wobble.

Every person who touched by DD from her ring newborn including the helpful people asked permission. Those who didn't touch but talked sought out where I was.

StripeyDeckchair · 27/10/2024 14:55

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Lemonadeand · 27/10/2024 14:57

That’s horrible, you must be really shaken up. Be prepared to yell immediately if anything like that ever happens again: HEY! THATS MY BABY! GIVE MY BABY BACK! (Repeat).

If they text you, I would reply to say you didn’t appreciate them taking your baby out of the pram without asking and please never do that again, screenshot the message and block them.

SmileEachDay · 27/10/2024 14:57

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This is a shitty thing to post. It’s victim blaming in the extreme, when the OP is clearly shaken and has been subject to an abusive situation.

Lemonadeand · 27/10/2024 14:58

This reply has been deleted

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Has this ever happened to you? Because I say this as someone who also has a young baby: it’s easy to think you know how you would respond in the abstract. Same as if you were being attacked. Of course you think you would yell and fight to get your baby back. Freezing is real.

ForeverPombear · 27/10/2024 15:00

SmileEachDay · 27/10/2024 14:57

This is a shitty thing to post. It’s victim blaming in the extreme, when the OP is clearly shaken and has been subject to an abusive situation.

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Exactly this, what a horrible nasty thing to write.

Terrribletwos · 27/10/2024 15:03

LoneWolfOfThePack · 27/10/2024 14:54

Yes they have contact with him, ex lives with his mother and 1 of his sisters has been contacting ss on his behalf. The other sister did say that ex had told all of them that if they ever saw me in the street to not approach me though as he wanted to be the first person to meet DD (this is true as he also stated that rule in a message to me for some reason)

The sad thing is... ex doesn't even want contact with DD, if he did he'd be ringing round every contact center in a 10 mile radius to facilitate this. He only wants to see DD if I am present, he's told both me and ss that he will not agree to contact in any other way. In his view its DD and me, Me alone or nothing! This (along with other reasons) is why DD will be at huge risk being anywhere near him without it being in a controlled environment being supervised.

Show quote history

I really, really would not trust him on that or anything else he says!! It all sounds extremely suspect and I would be very aware and on guard over this.

renovating · 27/10/2024 15:04

Heidi00 · 27/10/2024 14:40

You'd actually inform the police that someone picked your baby up? Yes they absolutely shouldn't have done that but come on ffs.

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That I was surrounded by a crowd of people who picked my baby up? Passed my baby round among themselves and I felt threatened. Yes I would report it. These people sound awful.

diddl · 27/10/2024 15:10

Well it's sad for them that they can't see the baby but they have hardly shown themselves in a good light have they?

Ponoka7 · 27/10/2024 15:11

I'd take their call and tell them to contact the SW and facilitate through the contact centre, then block. You don't know when you might bump into them and don't want this to be ongoing. Then I'd get advice from the police and if they approach you, cover your DD and phone 999.

Terrribletwos · 27/10/2024 15:14

@LoneWolfOfThePack I have re read your op and it sounds like he is playing an emotional game against you. You say he's not interested in DD. He's absolutely not but I bet he is using your dd as one way of controlling you. And I bet his family are the same.

Get away any way you can.

Ponoka7 · 27/10/2024 15:17

Heidi00 · 27/10/2024 14:40

You'd actually inform the police that someone picked your baby up? Yes they absolutely shouldn't have done that but come on ffs.

Show quote history

It's behaviour that could cause alarm or intimidation, it could come under a section 4 offence. Or at worse, the OP could have thought it a kidnap attempt. So asking the police for advice is the right thing to do. The baby is still a newborn, so extremely vulnerable to being dropped, injuries and infections.

@LoneWolfOfThePack get this documented. Collectively they can fund a contact centre and all have contact.

AgileGreenSeal · 27/10/2024 15:21

I would report what happened to the police and to SS.
Under no circumstances would I allow any of his family to be near my baby again.

I would actually consider moving away and not telling him where. Is he on the birth certificate?

If any of them phones /texts you, note the number, then block.

Original poster
LoneWolfOfThePack · 27/10/2024 15:24

I do understand that they could be people in a poor situation through ex and took the opportunity they had but I do not have the knowledge of them to assess that they are risk free since today's encounter is the second time I've had any form of contact with them in the whole 2 years I've known ex so that says enough in itself.

Also when I told that they weren't suitable to supervise exs contact because ss and I believe they wouldn't voice any risk or concerns about ex they sort of looked at eachother and went... Well could we be allowed to have contact with you there and without him? So that conversation confirmed that they would protect ex over dd.

I'm scared that this "contact" will be to somehow lure me into an ambush with him turning up at some point and them acting like they don't know why he's there or something. I actually thought that was why they were crowded around us and kept hold of DD as they could of been waiting for ex to turn up. I don't know. I'm just having a battle with all my thoughts here.

OP posts:
Hyperbowl · 27/10/2024 15:26

AgileGreenSeal · 27/10/2024 15:21

I would report what happened to the police and to SS.
Under no circumstances would I allow any of his family to be near my baby again.

I would actually consider moving away and not telling him where. Is he on the birth certificate?

If any of them phones /texts you, note the number, then block.

This!

Terrribletwos · 27/10/2024 15:28

@LoneWolfOfThePack yes absolutely they are doing that to lure you in! Protect yourself and your child. Have absolutely nothing to do with them.

AuldSpookySewers · 27/10/2024 15:30

In your shoes, I’d seriously consider moving away to a new area and starting afresh.

His ex’s family have met you and know who you are now so it’s likely you’ll bump into at least one of them from time to time. I wouldn’t want to risk that in your shoes as you are obviously scared of them, and I can’t blame you.

TheSilkWorm · 27/10/2024 15:33

You don't have to allow any contact with them at all. Ex could happily bring them along to his contact that he sets up and pays for in a contact centre if HE wants them to see her but it's up to him to make that happen not you!

Original poster
LoneWolfOfThePack · 27/10/2024 15:33

@AgileGreenSeal no he's not on the birth certificate. I didn't want him on for obvious reasons and SS backed me on that because they said if he went on the BC and got PR that DD is at very high risk of being used as a pawn and I'd legally not be able to do anything about it unless he killed DD.

OP posts:
AgileGreenSeal · 27/10/2024 15:37

LoneWolfOfThePack · 27/10/2024 15:33

@AgileGreenSeal no he's not on the birth certificate. I didn't want him on for obvious reasons and SS backed me on that because they said if he went on the BC and got PR that DD is at very high risk of being used as a pawn and I'd legally not be able to do anything about it unless he killed DD.

It’s really good he’s not on the birth certificate. You were absolutely right to take their advice. Well done. Your only concern now is to protect your baby. You don’t owe his family anything whatsoever. Please consider taking the advice I have offered.
best wishes to you and your baby daughter xx

2Little · 27/10/2024 15:38

I understand that you felt ambushed and overwhelmed. That the interactive was scary for you. However, I don't think that was their intention. It sounds like they bumped into you and we're excited to meet their nibbling for the first time and got a bit carried away. They should have asked to pick up the baby before doing it. They should have realised that you were uncomfortable but I don't think there was any ill intent. Obviously, further contact is entirely up to you. Personally, I'd want my DC to ave the widest possible network of loving family members.