I don't want my daughter to play with another kid in the street.

[WispaGoldsshouldcomeinmultipac]

Strap in this will be a long one. I think I know the answer but I guess I'm looking for reassurance. TLDR: I don't want someone else's kid in my house.

We have moved into a cult de sac. Myself, hubby and a neurospicy 5yr old.
We live opposite a rail line and within about 400yards of a public trail path and river. It's idyllic but this is my issue.
Neighbour has a soon to be 5 year old. Came and had a play date and the house was carnage afterwards. She undid all the safety features we have in place for our daughter who has little to no sense of danger. Toys everywhere, food everywhere, screaming that kinda thing. Since then, she has knocked out door daily asking to come in and play, often putting her foot in my door. She'd make an excellent missionary!
My DD5 has been poorly and then the other kid has so I've managed to avoid it but this kid is coming and staring through my windows. Before knocking my door.
She's out playing in the street, in the twilight and she's obviously cold and there are other kids there with her. I cannot let my DD go out and play because she will elope and I don't want this kid (and the rest of the street) in my daughter's safe space. DD is quite oblivious to her and the stress of sharing her toys is too much for her to comprehend. They're her toys, her regulations (she's perfectly practiced -for a 5year old at least for sharing neutral toys). I'm up for doing a play date but hubby is long term unwell, I work a busy full time job from home and fitting play dates in is difficult - especially if i cant send my daughter into a house that's not safe without going too. As the kids get older we can review but right now it's too much stress for what it's worth.

I've tried speaking to her parents, who are lovely, because every time i send her kid away i get a "hey you ok" text, even though they reckon they don't know she's knocking and window staring.
Any tips to navigate?

Hm. Hm again and again and again
it is a child not a brick

When DS was small, I had issues with NDN's child constantly wanting to come in and play. I fell for it a couple of times before I realised it was actually DS's toys he wanted to play with rather than DS. Next time he knocked I actually confronted him and, bless him, he actually admitted it was the toys he wanted rather than DS's company! (He wasn't the sharpest tool in the box - unlike DS, who was very sharp but not great socially - and later received an ASD diagnosis). But I did not hesitate to send the small child packing!
The child is 5. You just need to lay down the boundaries.
I've seen threads on MN before about children who've invited themselves to play not leaving at mealtimes. I used to give other DCs a 5 minute warning and them show them the door. Mealtimes were a protected time in our household.

I think it's the case that it's DDs toys she's after as when she was here they were playing in the same room but separately - thus the carnage. DD has a tablet that she uses to help us understand what she's after (pointing to things on it etc she's not functionally verbal yet,) which she was constantly having taken off her by the NDNs kid.
And through peeping through the windows she can see exactly what toys we have.

There's nothing wrong with saying "no you can't come in to play, I don't want the noise and mess." I am like this. I allow pre planned play dates and I'm not keen on those either but as I can brace myself and prepare (and set an end time) that is my compromise to keep my children happy. My eldest has ASD and ADHD and play dates in the primary school years were absolute carnage.

Some parents are happy to have an open house, constant kid traffic and brush off the noise and mess. Good for them but we all have different boundaries and that's nothing wrong with that. I limited play dates to one per school holiday and gritted my teeth. I always offered to bring the child home so I knew it didn't have to go on for a moment longer than it needed to and sometimes we'd set off early and take the long route.

As for neurospicy ... there's nothing wrong with just using neurodiverse even without any diagnosis. Neurodiversity is not a diagnosis. It's a descriptive term for observed behaviour that indicates the person may have thought patterns which differ from more typical ones, whether or not this has or would result in diagnosis of ASD, ADHD or other comorbidities.

The "spicy" bit makes me wince. As another poster says its often used to mean kinky/sexy which is a wholly inappropriate way to describe a child. Or more literally, hot or heavily seasoned food, which would not make sense in this context either.

I'd love to criticise you for the word 'neurospicy' OP but I use 'neurodiverse' and that is met with horror on here too - neurodivergent is a right mouthful and sounds hugely pretentious to my ears though. TBF I mostly use ND which could stand for anything.

I don't know what your uncertainty is though over which 'flavour' she is. I think we can pretty easily rule out dyslexia, dysgraphia and dyspraxia as her main issue (although it might turn out she has a combo) and you're not saying anything to suggest ADHD. Everything is obviously pointing straight towards ASD. So why not just say you're waiting on an ASD assessment? Whoever has suggested she's 'neurospicy' certainly wouldn't have used that term, so why not just say whatever it is they think she might have?

Because it doesn't matter 🤷🏼

She is not your typical 5year old. It's difficult to diagnose in some 5 year olds and in girls ASD is even harder.

Nothing wrong with the word neurospicy, some of you are so dry, positively parched.

To OP, kind of sounds like you need to let go of control a little here. Maybe you should ask your daughter if she likes the child?

@Bangwam1 I would but she's got no way of understanding what it is to "like" someone.

From what I understand, some people find the NS word reductive. A non-verbal, smearing child or an adult too scared to leave the house seems a lot more difficult than 'spicy'.

OK cool.

So I will go now and not offer advice to you for parents who are, you know, neglecting their 4 year old child in an environment that you yourself have made clear had all sorts of dangers.

Hate to think anything befalls that child since you seem unwilling to accept the parents are neglectful fuckers.

And neurpsicy is a fucking stupid term for a child that hasn't even been diagnosed with anything

Quite.

Their child is not my child. A NT child who can be told - you do not go near the railway line or past the bridge would be fine.
Would I personally let my 5 year old out to play unattended if she were NT? No. Would she have had the sternest telling off if I caught her staring into someone's house. Too bloody right she would.
It's not my place to tell parents how to parent. The feedback I've had here over one word is suggestive that I'm not doing it entirely right myself (although I am grateful for the experience to learn). If I were to see that particular kid in danger I would obviously intervene.

Quite.

Not diagnosed with anything, YET. Big word that. We're on the home straight with that.

But yes, all the feedback on that word has certainly been taken on board and I will be training myself to use better, more appropriate language.

I appreciate that.

I just didn't appreciate being laughed at about the river.

I'm not presuming your child's additional needs but I have an autistic daughter and know that, sadly, drowning is the leading cause of death for autistic children.

I don't find it particularly funny to scoff at people raising these concerns and I genuinely wonder about your neighbours allowing such a small child out and about, regardless whether she is NT or not.

@SpudleyLass I've just reread. I must apologise, I was laughing at the comments asking if I lived near that Mississippi river.

My DD is a water sensory seeker. She has no concept of danger which is terrifying when we take her swimming or to the seaside. I don't think NDNs kid would know how to get to the river to be fair, it's not visible from the houses. I completely understand the fear, my DD would certainly drown if she'd gotten into the water unattended. This is why she goes nowhere near the river without 2 grown ups, myself and her Dad who is a qualified lifeguard and Mountain Sports facilitator. He knows what he's about despite being chronically ill but we only go near water when he's well.

I do worry about the NDNs kid. Alot. Which is why I feel guilty that I can't cope with her in my house. It's a small house and it gets loud. I can't do loud. I would have no worries having her in if could prepare for it and if the parent was there too initially. I hate disciplining other people's kids 😂

I was the child that was out and playing at her age albeit nearly 40years ago and I eventually ended up in the care system so watching that kid makes the old inner child really scared. I think that's why I was looking for reassurance and advice on how to tell the other parents "look, this isn't on".

After reading that your 5 year old is nonverbal and this kid came in your house and took the iPad she was using to communicate off her I’m even more baffled by what appears to be such an underreaction to her behaviour and that of her parents.

Also, even if you’re fine with the use of the term neurospicy, I don’t think most people would take ‘nonverbal 5 year old’ from it, formal diagnosis or no.

@MiddleParking what do you mean by under reaction?

My DD doesn't rely on it to communicate, we used lots of other methods, it's just one of several tools we use. It's not that DD is nonverbal, she's non functionally verbal. In as much as she can talk but it's her own language.

As is the ‘flavour’ of the child’s possible learning/behaviourial difficulty 😳

Anyway - annoying kid. My son has a friend a bit like this. Not making a mess but peering in windows, and if we answer on the Ring and say we’re out, acts like we’re making it up.

However my son is such a grump right now I’ll suck it up as he’s lucky to have a friend come and call.

I’d speak to the parents and say sometimes your DD gets a bit overwhelmed when put on the spot, and maybe they could text before their DD comes over and see if she’s free?

@Lwrenn I see a lot of parents who are INCENSED their DC didn't get a diagnosis of ASD. Maybe because they don't have it?
My DS has a diagnosis of ADHD and really struggles but his medication helps a lot. I get the sense that people do still see ADHD as "just naughty" and ASD as "little professor" and it's preferable to have the latter diagnosis.