I don't want my daughter to play with another kid in the street.

[WispaGoldsshouldcomeinmultipac]

Strap in this will be a long one. I think I know the answer but I guess I'm looking for reassurance. TLDR: I don't want someone else's kid in my house.

We have moved into a cult de sac. Myself, hubby and a neurospicy 5yr old.
We live opposite a rail line and within about 400yards of a public trail path and river. It's idyllic but this is my issue.
Neighbour has a soon to be 5 year old. Came and had a play date and the house was carnage afterwards. She undid all the safety features we have in place for our daughter who has little to no sense of danger. Toys everywhere, food everywhere, screaming that kinda thing. Since then, she has knocked out door daily asking to come in and play, often putting her foot in my door. She'd make an excellent missionary!
My DD5 has been poorly and then the other kid has so I've managed to avoid it but this kid is coming and staring through my windows. Before knocking my door.
She's out playing in the street, in the twilight and she's obviously cold and there are other kids there with her. I cannot let my DD go out and play because she will elope and I don't want this kid (and the rest of the street) in my daughter's safe space. DD is quite oblivious to her and the stress of sharing her toys is too much for her to comprehend. They're her toys, her regulations (she's perfectly practiced -for a 5year old at least for sharing neutral toys). I'm up for doing a play date but hubby is long term unwell, I work a busy full time job from home and fitting play dates in is difficult - especially if i cant send my daughter into a house that's not safe without going too. As the kids get older we can review but right now it's too much stress for what it's worth.

I've tried speaking to her parents, who are lovely, because every time i send her kid away i get a "hey you ok" text, even though they reckon they don't know she's knocking and window staring.
Any tips to navigate?

Thing is @Lwrenn I take "neurospicy" to mean "there is very little wrong with me but I fancy sounding cool so I've self diagnosed" which is rather the opposite of your nonverbal autistic child.
And that's exactly what I thought whenever read @Moonshiners post. None of you have a diagnosis and you don't have anything like the struggles that my DS or Lwrenn's DC have. It makes me think "they just want to appear special and didn't fancy saying they were queer".

Sorry, but i also cringe when I hear neurospicy.

The text above sounds great. I don't like unsolicited play dates at that age.

I didn't actually say we didn't have any diagnosis. Just we don't necessarily fit the ones we have.
What are my sons has an ADHD diagnosis the other and autism diagnosis and I have ADHD and am bipolar. However I am pretty certain that my son with ADHD is also a bit autistic and my son that is autistic is a bit ADD.
I hope to fuck none of them are bipolar but it's something we all have to wait and see.
I don't think the terms necessarily or that helpful and don't fit into our experience. To assume someone has an easier life than you is quite poor. Particularly when there are waiting lists over four years where I am for a diagnosis (this is where my DD is at).
There's fuck all cool any of our diagnosis and idiot's like you who go around assuming things don't make our lives any easier. We all managing our own different ways, and you have absolutely no idea what we have been through as a family to get to where we are now.

I'll take back the idiot because that's harsh. It just riles me up.

I hate neurospicy too - it’s cutesy and belittling and has fuck all to do with the reality of neurodivergent children. All very “we’re all a bit spectrum-y” and “indigo child”.

Raising my two didn’t lend itself to twee labels but your mileage may vary.

The message sounds great.

I’d probably say “Dd has additional needs and at the moment play dates are a bit much for her. I’m sorry to disappoint your DD when she comes over to ask, could you explain to her why she can’t play just now?”

I think the mum of the other child needs to supervise her more and set some boundaries like you have with your daughter.
At 5 she won't be fully realising the imposition but mum will.
We had a mum like that where I used to live. Her child had no boundaries and was spoilt and demanding. Made a mess and threw tantrums.
I think the mum was happy for her not to be in the house with her so she could have a break. But it's not your job to provide this particularly if it's stressing you and the child out.
You need to nip it in the bud asap.
I did. But another mum ended up being called 'aunty' by that child heavily encouraged by mum and she was so stressed and not wanting this by choice. The mum was forcing the relationship and associated obligations. The woman got so stressed about it that in the end she sent her husband over to say she doesn't want to be her aunty and she doesn't want to be so involved with your child so basically go away. The mum moved onto someone else at the school playing the same trick.

I get that, I think people are really upset by self diagnosis when they or their kids aren't palatably autistic or adhd, their kids like one of mine is just top notch supreme autism and the others who struggle in their own ways (also diagnosed) just seem a bit quirky. But the waiting times to diagnose are so long now I'd rather give the benefit of the doubt to self diagnosed folk and hope that doing things to help them with their Sensory or communication needs helps as opposed to treating them completely typically and making no allowances for their struggles.
Sometimes you see people a mile off who you just know should they seek a diagnosis they'd have no drama getting one because clearly, they're ND and struggle.
Then you have the ones who'll pay for a drive through diagnosis and like to have "adhd" in their sm profiles and a few years ago it was vegan or whatever the fad before nd was like its a badge of honour. Yet funnily enough you see nothing of ND about them but see plenty of AS (attention seeking) and I know we shouldn't judge and this makes myself and DP arseholes but when everyone started self diagnosing we did a wee bet between us who would come out first as ND and they ones we said who'd all write mega attention seeking statuses on fb about how special or selfless they were all got privately diagnosed.
The ones we've suspected for years are ND who have now been diagnosed by NHS haven't told anyone but close friends.

Some people really love the competition of being worse, I've had people do it with my spectacularly autistic ds, trying to compete with his behaviour.
I'd give my last penny and every possession I have to have a typical child who's struggles weren't as profound. I'd genuinely give anything to have him given the same opportunities for independence and things he'll never ever have, but I have people who say stupid shit like, "Oh he's Peter pan" and honestly I could smack them (I won't!) I don't want my child to be forever infantile, I want to know when I die he's safe and able and has things such as a family and stability, I live knowing that when I'm gone unless my other DC want to be involved with his care, I leave my son completely vulnerable to abuse etc and why anyone would actively want that as a reality just for a bit of attention on Facebook is utterly baffling. (Most mumsnet thing I've ever said) sorry for dumping that on you and completely throwing a merail @drspouse but im sure you get it. Whilst im not too arsed by the neurospicy and i actually quite like it can be inclusive, those who use neurodiversity to garner sympathy without the genuine struggles that go even with very able ND people, really can fuck me off and I'm guessing you can feel similar to me x

I've tried speaking to her parents, who are lovely, because every time i send her kid away i get a "hey you ok" text, even though they reckon they don't know she's knocking and window staring.

It’s difficult to express how unlovely I’d find it if someone texted me “hey you ok” in response to my declining to provide them with unscheduled free childcare that I hadn’t offered for their young child, on top of taking care of my own young child with additional needs. They are not lovely, they are extremely fucking weird, bad mannered and ill advised at best.

The train line in the mix with 5 year olds is what gives me the vapours. Neurospicy not so much.

I agree with this. It's a bit passive aggressive - "hey, is there something wrong because if you were fine then surely you would have let Arabella in to play, wouldn't you??"

I find the term neurospicy applied to a 5 year old somewhat alarming. It's quite a fetishised way of describing a small child when neurodivergent will do just as well.

As for play dates. They make mess. Neurodivergent or not.

Agreed.

Do people really let their 5 year olds go and knock on relative strangers’ doors by themselves? That’s shocking.

Christ @InformEducateEntertain not fetishized in the slightest.
Im just justifying why I used the word neurospicy or not, whether I intend to in the future (although comments on here would suggest I rethink it), and I'm certainly not going to share any of my DDs medical needs/additional learning need requirements because it (once again) was inserted as context and is not the basis of the post. There are most certainly significant needs with DD and as anyone who loves a ND child will know the spectrum affects them all. But the assumption that every child who is different to your typical child is as a result of their parenting is a huge fear of mine. You know not my story, the tears and therapy I have had wondering if my daughter's issues are caused because I'm a shit parent and should give her up because I don't deserve her.
Likewise, I am not supporting a judgement of my neighbours' parenting. It is not my place or my business.
Yes we live within 20yards of a railway line, there is no pedestrian access to it but a fence. But again, anyone with a ND child would know that if they want to be somewhere they will be which is why my DD is not allowed out on her own in the street. That and the fact that we are new residents and I don't know everyone in the cul de sac well enough yet.
I have not, and never have, intended to cause any offense. I'm entitled to use language as much as you're entitled to be offended. You've encouraged me to improve myself through some self reflection though and that's always good.

I do wish I could close comments on here to save the same bloody argument over and over again - I have some good suggestions on dealing with the parents and some validation from other parents who have also experienced this. Thank you.

Also the river close by.

I've never heard the term neurospicy before nor have I come across a mother wondering what flavour of neurospicy her child will be diagnosed as

Interesting. 😀 I dont find it offensive, just odd!

I'm confused that the NT child (assuming she is NT) was allowed to make so much mess and create so much havoc in your house during a playdate

If you have her over again you obviously don't leave her alone for a second

Other than that....everything else is no

Just don't answer the door.

And if she's staring in through the window, draw the blinds

@SpudleyLass

<collapse in dead faint>

OP is the cul de sac near the Tallahatchie Bridge? It's a sodding death trap.

😂😂 no.
Not actually a death trap. Train goes by like 4/5 times a day, but the line is electrified. River is about 400yards away down a trail and through quite a lot of trees. We're one of the last cul de sacs backing onto a national park.
And I don't have blinds - I don't want to draw my curtains during the day either, the view from my window is gorgeous and the only way you're able to see in my windows is to physically come up to them or be about 8 foot tall to see over the incline we're on: there's a slope from the pavement to the house which is accessed by a path but its "common ground" in front rather than private garden iyswim. I am considering privacy reflective sticker things to go on them though.

It's fine to say your DD isn't allowed to play outside and to fob the parents off if they are angling for her to be invited over.

I very much enjoyed "cult de sac" and "elope". 😂

I like this word may I use it please?

I am considering privacy reflective sticker things to go on them though

Good idea

Or a stun gun?

😇

Please stop using terms like "neurospicy" and "what flavour". Absolutely tasteless.

I had no idea 🙄

Not like there's 60odd comments already on here about it 😂

All the outrage over 'neurospicy'
Very entertaining!

Another vote for stopping this nonsense. If being ND is not meant to be a joke stop using language that makes it into a joke. It's ridiculous. Very Gen Z influencer-like. And it can definitely sound offensive.