To think I should be allowed to have savings?

[Haribosuperstar]

Im married but we’ve never had a joint account. We have three primary aged dc and I stopped working for a few years whilst they were all tiny. I’m back now - 30 hours - and my take home is around £1600. It’s not a highly paid job, unfortunately. I also do all the pick ups and drop offs and facilitate clubs. I do all the cooking and housework etc too.

DH earns around £190k and has a car allowance / fuel / phone also paid for. We don’t have a mortgage. I appreciate he pays a lot of tax on this. He has about £70k in savings and a large pension. I have about £1k in savings a nothing much to speak of pension wise.

DH gives me another £400 a month so I have £2k total. From this I pay for the dc hobbies which is nearly £400, I pay for their clothes, Christmas gifts, birthday gifts. I pay for half the food shopping - approx £350 a month. I pay for my own car, phone etc. My car is on finance because my other car broke down and I couldn’t afford to flat out replace it so I pay that as well as the fuel, insurance etc. I pay the council tax. After those things I’m left with about £800 a month maybe? I also pay for quite a few days out with the kids. Oh and for wrap around three nights a week which is another £80 a month.

The last few months I’ve been trying to save between £150 and £200 a month to try and build up a bit of cash in case of emergencies / if my car needed repair / if I needed a dentist etc.
I mentioned this to DH and he said ‘I didn’t realise you could afford to save, I’ll have to stop giving you so much money,’ and then laughed.

It has upset me because I feel quite vulnerable with nothing and also I’ve always felt very much the poor partner in the relationship.

AIBU to think it’s ok for me to save a bit? I am looking for a better job before anyone says but it’s hard to fit around the kids and then I’m paying a lot of childcare.

You are married so you own half the house, savings in his name, pension. He own half of yours.

Not having a joint account makes no difference, legally. You just have an odd and pretty silly way of paying for household expenses.

Do you think he knows you legally own half of everything?

Why are you paying for everything child related as well as taking on all the responsibilities for the children? Both should be split 50/50 if it's going to be a case of keeping your own monies.

Firstly, childcare is not wholly your responsibility: it’s his too.

Secondly, you should be able to save because

Thirdly, ltb.

Why on earth are all the child related expenses coming out of your income alone?

Your children are not some sort of personal hobby.

Your husband’s comment was appalling, OP.

Do you love him and does he love you? I ask because your financial setup seems both unfair and unnecessarily harsh on you. You are the rare woman who might possibly be better off divorced, if deep love isn’t present.

If it is, your husband needs to start treating you better. Immediately

There are SO many red flags in this post I don't even know where to start. This is financial abuse, end of. Get some advice and get out.

If he won't pay towards what you currently pay for, you are being financially abused. How did this start? Did you not equal everything out before/when pregnant?

Cant understand why people put up with this.

I mentioned this to DH and he said ‘I didn’t realise you could afford to save, I’ll have to stop giving you so much money,’ and then laughed.

Gosh, what a disgusting prick he sounds. Serious words need to be had.

Are you joking? You have a car on finance but he has 70k in savings?

Fucking Hell, my eyes nearly fell out of my head. Divorce him, you'll be much better off.

You need a joint account. Both salaries go into this. Then from that account your household bills are deducted which includes kids hobbies. You each get the same 'spending money' and then agree what goes into joint savings. There is no 'his' and 'yours'. You're married and have kids.

The fuck is wrong with him?

This is really odd, you are paying out finance costs, presumably on a fairly cheap car whilst he earns £190k. This is one of many red flags.

Does your husband cover for holidays? Do you tally up monthly bills and split the bills based on your income & husband proportion, probably after tax to make it more fair? If you can be bothered to do this, then perhaps you will have more disposable income? You will need to include holidays in the joint bills. You also need to stick to the budget.

You do realise that you'll be much better off financially if you divorce him?

And not just in the short term. Imagine what retirement will look like with a man with this attitude. He'll be happily living it up on his fat pension when while you'll be living off £50 a week?

He should be paying half of all expenses related to his children.

At least.

He's taking the piss.

I earn much more than DH. He takes on a lot more childcare because I travel for work most weeks. We have one single bank account. We use it for all household expenses, and for personal stuff no questions asked unless the expense is >£150, at which point we flag it to the other person. I pay into a pension for my DH because he doesn’t get one through work, and can’t pay into one from his limited salary. It’s only fair that I do so - his flexible job enables the intense career that I love.

This is what an equal partnership looks like.

Why are you paying all the council tax all child related costs and half the food.

Please tell me you are paying into a pension?

What exactly is he paying for if you have no mortgage?

Apart from half the shopping what does he pay for?

So he is allowed to have £70,000 in savings, but if you put aside £150 a month in a savings account, he says that you shouldn't be able to afford to have savings and he should be reducing the £400 he gives you?

He is an financially abusive controlling twat OP.

You have a terrible husband, OP. And you must be delusional if you think he only has £70k saved when he earns £190k per year, has no mortgage and no car costs. Either that or he has some exceptionally expensive hobbies.

Why in gods name are you paying for all of the child related costs when he earns 10x more than you?

He should pay into your pension and savings to (at the very minimum) offset the fact that you stayed home to take care of your join children.

Because she did not know how to organise this to start with and just got married

Please do not think this is normal. You deserve to be able to save. He is treating you like the hired help or a teenager he gives pocket money to. You have spent years looking after both yours and your husbands children. If he had had to pay childcare for that he certainly wouldn't have 70K in savings. He does not appear to be able to grasp that he is as much financially responsible for them as you are.

How on earth do some men become so entitled that they think every penny they earn is theirs, and everything their wife earns (usually considerably less) is for her AND the children. It absolutely infuriates me. I really hope, at the very least, he takes you and the kids on lovely expensive holidays.. but I'm guessing he doesn't.