To think I should be allowed to have savings?

[Haribosuperstar]

Im married but we’ve never had a joint account. We have three primary aged dc and I stopped working for a few years whilst they were all tiny. I’m back now - 30 hours - and my take home is around £1600. It’s not a highly paid job, unfortunately. I also do all the pick ups and drop offs and facilitate clubs. I do all the cooking and housework etc too.

DH earns around £190k and has a car allowance / fuel / phone also paid for. We don’t have a mortgage. I appreciate he pays a lot of tax on this. He has about £70k in savings and a large pension. I have about £1k in savings a nothing much to speak of pension wise.

DH gives me another £400 a month so I have £2k total. From this I pay for the dc hobbies which is nearly £400, I pay for their clothes, Christmas gifts, birthday gifts. I pay for half the food shopping - approx £350 a month. I pay for my own car, phone etc. My car is on finance because my other car broke down and I couldn’t afford to flat out replace it so I pay that as well as the fuel, insurance etc. I pay the council tax. After those things I’m left with about £800 a month maybe? I also pay for quite a few days out with the kids. Oh and for wrap around three nights a week which is another £80 a month.

The last few months I’ve been trying to save between £150 and £200 a month to try and build up a bit of cash in case of emergencies / if my car needed repair / if I needed a dentist etc.
I mentioned this to DH and he said ‘I didn’t realise you could afford to save, I’ll have to stop giving you so much money,’ and then laughed.

It has upset me because I feel quite vulnerable with nothing and also I’ve always felt very much the poor partner in the relationship.

AIBU to think it’s ok for me to save a bit? I am looking for a better job before anyone says but it’s hard to fit around the kids and then I’m paying a lot of childcare.

They dont have a joint account.
He's not joking.

You would be FAR better off if you divorced him without a doubt
I can't get my head around men like this but there seems to be many of them out there.

Yeah there's no fixing this. You will feel loaded when you divorce him. Please see a family solicitor ASAP.

This isn’t the point, but I don’t know how he can only have £70k in savings when he earns £190k a year, especially as you don’t have a mortgage and all the kids’ stuff and nearly everything else comes out of your ‘allowance’.
But anyway, his comment was unforgivable and you need at the very least to have a serious conversation about sharing your finances properly.

Yet another selfish bastard husband and another wife scrimping and doing everything in the house.

When you got engaged did you envision your life being like this? Did he envision his life like this?

I am intrigued when people post these sort of financial arrangements in a marriage. It all sounds very complicated and open to accusations of unfairness. OH and I pooled our finances with a joint account and a joint savings account the week after we married. We trusted each other to spend wisely and recognized that we were a team.

Wow. As another poster has said, he will be taking at least £8k home a month and that's assuming he's making some pretty hefty pension contributions. Why are you paying so much. And there is no way he only has £70k of savings if you are mortgage free, unless you have only just paid off the mortgage. You need to sit down with him and ask him how he thinks it is fair for the expenses to be split as they are now.

I had this with my ex. He was amazed that I was "saving" my DS' child benefit.

He believed that every penny belonged to him.

So your DH believes he should be able to save but you cannot. And that he is "giving" you money. So from now he pays a proportionate amount of all the expenses. With him and my ex they recognise that money equals power and he won't like it if you have any.

Aside from how unfair this is, it’s also really financially inefficient.
at those earnings he will be paying tax at 45% on the interest on his £70k savings (unless all in ISAs). You would have a personal savings allowance of £1k interest then looks like from amounts 20% tax rate after that. Or use your £20k isa allowance.
Also with the car finance you will be paying unnecessary high interest in this when he could just pay it off.
others have commented in detail on how you have sacrificed your career for the children this is not an ok way for a family unit to manage finances. How can he enjoy ‘his’ money when you are struggling!
as a family unit you are paying more than you need to and it’s not fair to devalue your non-financial contribution by his selfishness.

You’re feeling sad for him because he pays a lot of tax? You have to worry about dentist fees while he has 70 grand in savings?

This makes me sad. Another man who thinks he is doing you a favour that he is working outside the home while you look after the kids. I hope you up your hours

Fortunately you entitled to half of his pension ams everything when you divorce
It s a ridiculous way to live when he earns so much.
Why are you putting up with it?

Why have you allowed this to become the situation?

Have you never talked about finances? When you got your car did you not say you needed money to pay for it?

How did the situation about you paying for everything for the kids come about?

You need to speak up for yourself OP and tell him how the finances will be working going forward.

He is financially abusing you. It's actually quite sickening what he is doing.
I voted YABU as I think you should be saying - I should be able to save as I should have access to OUR money.
Please get help. You would definitely be richer if you divorced him.

‘I didn’t realise you could afford to save, I’ll have to stop giving you so much money,’ and then laughed.

'See how much the divorce costs you when you do that," and then laugh harder.

I can't fully post on this one. It wouldn't be wise to publish how I would desire to handle him on a public forum. Let put it this way, he wouldn't enjoy it and I'd be single afterwards. He is more than a financial abuser, he is a complete fucking cunt.

This type of thread makes me extremely angry.

Wow, just wow.

At the very least everything that is household or children should be split 50:50 and to be honest I’d be thinking that you should pay the proportion equal to your pay. In our household like many others we simply throw the earnings in a pot, pay all the expenses and save the rest (some in my name and some my partners). This is what true partnership looks like… I’m sorry for you that you’ve found yourself in a situation like this.

I voted YABU simply because you are asking the wrong question.

You should have far more access to your DH’s money, given that so many child-related expenses are paid by you.

His attitude is disgusting and you should be questioning why he is so stingy, given his high earnings.

What job pays £190,000? And TIGHT with it. Wow

You shouldn't be asking us, you should be either giving him grief or calling a solicitor.

Your house income and the difference between your salaries isn't that different to ours. I'm the higher earner. We have joint everything, and individual spends so we can get each other gifts etc.
If he is saving away merrily and you've got a car on finance, it's a daft situation. It sounds as though he hasn't thought about how your household finances work. Can you sit down together and look at exactly what is coming in, and what the outgoings are? If the answer to this is no, you've got problems and I would tend to agree with others that he's financially abusive.

Why are you together when none of you love or care for each other?

His savings are yours in the eyes of the law.

Didn’t have to read all your post op to know you are in a financially abusive relationship. Honestly I think you need to gather as much evidence of income and assets etc and go to a solicitors… you are married so given how he treats you, you would be much much better off alone!! Both financially and probably emotionally!! He sounds like a class A prick.

This is exactly what he is doing,