To think I should be allowed to have savings?

[Haribosuperstar]

Im married but we’ve never had a joint account. We have three primary aged dc and I stopped working for a few years whilst they were all tiny. I’m back now - 30 hours - and my take home is around £1600. It’s not a highly paid job, unfortunately. I also do all the pick ups and drop offs and facilitate clubs. I do all the cooking and housework etc too.

DH earns around £190k and has a car allowance / fuel / phone also paid for. We don’t have a mortgage. I appreciate he pays a lot of tax on this. He has about £70k in savings and a large pension. I have about £1k in savings a nothing much to speak of pension wise.

DH gives me another £400 a month so I have £2k total. From this I pay for the dc hobbies which is nearly £400, I pay for their clothes, Christmas gifts, birthday gifts. I pay for half the food shopping - approx £350 a month. I pay for my own car, phone etc. My car is on finance because my other car broke down and I couldn’t afford to flat out replace it so I pay that as well as the fuel, insurance etc. I pay the council tax. After those things I’m left with about £800 a month maybe? I also pay for quite a few days out with the kids. Oh and for wrap around three nights a week which is another £80 a month.

The last few months I’ve been trying to save between £150 and £200 a month to try and build up a bit of cash in case of emergencies / if my car needed repair / if I needed a dentist etc.
I mentioned this to DH and he said ‘I didn’t realise you could afford to save, I’ll have to stop giving you so much money,’ and then laughed.

It has upset me because I feel quite vulnerable with nothing and also I’ve always felt very much the poor partner in the relationship.

AIBU to think it’s ok for me to save a bit? I am looking for a better job before anyone says but it’s hard to fit around the kids and then I’m paying a lot of childcare.

After tax your H Is taking home around £9,000.PM
And he gives you £400 , which he obviously begrudges and expects you to cover DC needs and Childcare.
Are you fucking kidding me? 😒

I am quite certain that your 'D'H has much much more than £70k in savings. I earn far less than he does but over several years I have been able to build up an amount equivalent to that.

I think you are being gaslit and financially abused. Try and find out any details and documentation indicating that he has further assets stashed away. You are entitled to half of everything.

He is financially abusing you, he needs to face up to his responsibilities for providing for his children

I know a few people like this and to me it’s totally batshit. Sorry that’s very unhelpful of me. It doesn’t sound like he would be open to having a conversation around this in which case, I would divorce him and take every Penny. Good luck, you and your kids deserve better

This whole post is like an “identify the red flags” exam question.

I’d take some professional advice and consider your options.

What a nasty person he is. You'd almost certainly be better off both financially and mentally if you divorced him.

This is financial abuse.

I think some of these comments may be true but aren't always helpful. People end up in these situations gradually, not overnight, and it takes something like this to realise that things need to change. Perhaps when they got together the wage gap wasn't as significant.

Personally I think that when you have kids that's when you really pull together and you're a team. And that includes finances. Looking at this from the outside, I would say that DH should be covering all major expenses - bills, childcare, food etc. I would also say it would be beneficial to be maxing out both of your ISA allowance each year which between you you could easily afford.

I would sit down and have a chat with him, because this situation isn't going to get better as time goes on. Even if you get a better paid job, if it's unlikely to be close to his salary then the gap will always be there. Think about the future when you've retired - will he have the same attitude to money then? His pension is his, yours is yours? He'll be off playing golf every day and you'll be wondering if you can afford to go for a coffee with a friend. What's the point in having money if you don't share any of it with your family?

Something needs to change.

This is financial abuse.
I know I am repeating other posters, but it needs repeating.
@Jaxhog is right.

This sums it up perfectly. 🎯

The “easy” answer is to divorce him, take half of his lovely pension and savings, and make him pay proper upkeep for his own children.

You are not the poor partner, as you are married you are in a 50/50 relationship.

You did not stop work when the DC were little, you were a full time mother to babies who needed you 24/7.

Look for another job, and a nursery which your DH can pay for as right now you are been treated like an au pair. These are 50 his dc as well as his.

Better still leave him and divorce him (but be clever about it).

This can’t be serious surely.

Completely weird. Doesn’t sound like a marriage in financial terms. You’re being taken for a mug, OP. And what is he doing with his income? £70k in savings is not a lot considering his salary with no mortgage.

Sounds like financial abuse to me. He earns £190k and gives you £400 a month and expects you to pay for all that out of what he gives you and your own earnings while he squirrels his away. His comment tells you all you need to know. LTB.

You're married. What's his is yours. Anything else is financial abuse.

He doesn't sound very nice. I would get a full time job and force the husband to arrange all childcare for his chidlren.

Facts and figures are your friend and will give you confidence in discussing this with him. I;m not saying fire all this at him, but know it for your own benefit, it will strenghten the justice of your cause and
Get a spreadsheet and list everything you pay for.
List your savings.

List forthcoming expenditures for November/December - I'm guessing Christmas expenses really fall on you with an odd showy contribution from him. Teeth, glasses, braces when DC are older. Who is paying for these. Why are you paying for everything.

List cost of Car - over the year - you NEED the car to ferry the children around. Itsnot just for fun and games.

You could even get an estimate of how much you have both spent since children born (don't forget to include the impact on your career as you supported his) and what proportion of wages of each this is. How was it paid before you went back to work BTW.

Then contact a child minding / cleaning/ housekeeping agency and get a quote. That's how much you are saving him by not working.

When that has sunk in, consider if it's worth pointing out to him how much money you'd have to live on if he died tomorrow ( yes I know sorry) would you even have enough for the next month's bills as all his private solo accounts would be tied up in probate. What's the will/life insurance situation.
He should put a fighting fund in a joint account for these emergencies. You should have power of attorney if he's incapacitated in an accident ( yes I know)

It all sounds very nit picky, but it has to be done as he is almost like a lodger. paying only a tiny proportion of bills and food and nothing much towards his children.
Then its up to you to decide if he is in blissful ignorance or is an entitled selfish uncaring idiot.

Divorce the bastard and take what is rightfully yours.

You would be better off divorced, financially and in terms of not living with someone who has so little respect for you.

And you should be saving for a running away fund. Every woman needs enough money she can access is instantly in order to be able to leave and take the kids immediately in order to ensure their safety.

Set up a joint account for every single one of the children’s expenses . It sounds like you are paying much more than half when you only earn bout a tenth of what he earns . Stop doing it . Lao start a regular savings account as soon as you get paid and put that money away every month. He can pay anything the children need from his salary . Don’t be a mug just because you’re married .

I would never normally advise this so easily, but OP, leave him! Take half of everything he has, you actually would be much better off financially if you divorced him. With such such a huge disparity in earnings you shouldn’t be paying ANY bills. You’re supposed to be in a marriage, a partnership.
My husband earns way more than I do so he pays ALL the bills, he pays for the cars (insurance, MOT, ad hoc repairs etc I pay for my own fuel though 🤣) he pays for holidays, phone contracts and any big bills for the house like if anything needs replacing (white goods, furniture etc)
I pay for food (humans and pets) pet insurance, I sort birthdays, we both do Christmas, I pay for subscriptions like Netflix and prime…
I save what I can, as does he (separate bank accounts) but we save for both of us. What I have saved is also his and vice versa.

So many mistakes but you get the gist!

" ‘I didn’t realise you could afford to save, I’ll have to stop giving you so much money,’ and then laughed. "

I'd divorce him on this alone.

I might challenge it first but if he didn't listen, it'd be ducks in a row time.

This. So he has around £8,500 to your £2,000 net pay, more than 4 times as much. Out of your £2K you pay for your and your joint DCs' expenses, and he gets to keep his £8.5K for his own use. Plus you do all the childcare and housekeeping.

Does this sound fair and equitable to you?

No way he has only £70,000 saved. It looks as though he is purposefully keeping you in the dark.

I just don’t understand how this happens.