To think I should be allowed to have savings?

[Haribosuperstar]

Im married but we’ve never had a joint account. We have three primary aged dc and I stopped working for a few years whilst they were all tiny. I’m back now - 30 hours - and my take home is around £1600. It’s not a highly paid job, unfortunately. I also do all the pick ups and drop offs and facilitate clubs. I do all the cooking and housework etc too.

DH earns around £190k and has a car allowance / fuel / phone also paid for. We don’t have a mortgage. I appreciate he pays a lot of tax on this. He has about £70k in savings and a large pension. I have about £1k in savings a nothing much to speak of pension wise.

DH gives me another £400 a month so I have £2k total. From this I pay for the dc hobbies which is nearly £400, I pay for their clothes, Christmas gifts, birthday gifts. I pay for half the food shopping - approx £350 a month. I pay for my own car, phone etc. My car is on finance because my other car broke down and I couldn’t afford to flat out replace it so I pay that as well as the fuel, insurance etc. I pay the council tax. After those things I’m left with about £800 a month maybe? I also pay for quite a few days out with the kids. Oh and for wrap around three nights a week which is another £80 a month.

The last few months I’ve been trying to save between £150 and £200 a month to try and build up a bit of cash in case of emergencies / if my car needed repair / if I needed a dentist etc.
I mentioned this to DH and he said ‘I didn’t realise you could afford to save, I’ll have to stop giving you so much money,’ and then laughed.

It has upset me because I feel quite vulnerable with nothing and also I’ve always felt very much the poor partner in the relationship.

AIBU to think it’s ok for me to save a bit? I am looking for a better job before anyone says but it’s hard to fit around the kids and then I’m paying a lot of childcare.

Absolutely this. Appalling bastard of a man.

Yes.
I married into a very fortunate environment, too.
Everything is half way.
Why does the OP pay for these things, I never heard of such set-up.
🙁

Tell him you’re going back to work and the kids are his problem. Get a second job in the evening. He’ll soon change his tune when the house is a shit tip and he’s knew me deep in kids.

This says everything you need to hear.

Calculate the cost of childcare for all your children if you hadn’t stayed at home to look after them and then present him with a bill for 50%.

While you’re at it, calculate your missed pension contributions and bill him that too.

A lot of people making sensible suggestions about joint accounts etc but OP I think he’s very clearly shown you who he is and how he values you, and it’s not good. I’m sorry.

You are not being unreasonable but your husband is. Appalling attitude. If you’re going to split the bills then the fair way is to do it proportionately as per your individual incomes. No way should you be paying for half the food shop. You also shouldn’t be paying for wrap around care, incidental child expenses or clubs etc. What’s his pension like compared to yours? If this is his attitude then I’d say he doesn’t see you as a team and is very likely to decide family life isn’t for him and leave you to it with the DC.

He only has his high paid job because of how much you do with the house and the children. He either pays you to do it (at a vastly reduced rate) or he pays professionals and I can guarantee he would not be willing to do that.

Easiest way to stop him having to give you money each month is to have a joint account to which you have full access. See what he says to that.

But there is no "his savings". If you divorce "his" savings will be considered to belong to both of you and will be split up. Maybe he's thinking that he's saving for both of you? My DH saves for both of us, it's ours'. I'm just trying to find if somehow he isn't the twat he seems like in your poster. I don't understand why you need emergency money if your household has so much money. If your car broke down surely he'd pay for it to be repaired ? If not it's financial abuse for sure. Don't see why he wants you to pay for the children and half the food. He should just pay for everything since it's family money.

How very financially controlling

My friend is in a similar boat in that her DH has over 150k of savings and she has less than 10k, saved when she still worked. She’s been a SAHM for 12yrs plus. So her DH does pay all bills but he’s pretty tight on things like holiday costs, meals out etc. He hasn’t paid anything into a pension for friend. She seems fairly happily married and knows its half hers in event of divorce but in the meantime, they live frugally despite lots of savings. None of which she can have a say in whats spent. I couldn’t live like that

Yes, this.
I was blabbing after reading the OP's post.
My husband paid for absolutely everything including my pension for 20 years, NOW everything is half way. (He's three decades older).
This is financial abuse.

Why hasn't your pension had equal contributions.

I agree this is financial abuse. You need to add up all of your outgoings for the house and children and he needs to pay a proportional amount. Likely 75% because he earns so much more.
You own half of it all, suggest you educate him and tell him that you want access to the shared savings and you want equal spending money every month post bills. Then sit and do the maths together and get it sorted. Or he’ll need to find a way to do 50% of childcare and attempt to keep his £190k fancy job because he is a parent too!!!

Absolutely. This man is as much an abuser as one who assaults his wife. Hes financially and emotionally abusive.

Hes a nasty controlling bastard OP. Please don’t think you’re trapped.

Definitely speak to a solicitor and then calmly explain that you own half of everything and if he doesn't want to make any childcare or maintenance payments you'll be doing 50/50 shared care which means he'll be doing 50% of drops and picks up and the kids spend equal time with him as you.

suddenly earning £190k a year isn't so easy once the housekeeper and childminder 24h 7 days a week isn't available anymore.

He needs to be reminded that you'd be wealthier and more in control of your own finances divorced rather than married to him. It's time to pull back the curtain on his warped and unfair thinking OP.

Sorry it's come to this but he needs to know that he isn't the one holding the puppet strings much though he likes to think he is.

Thank god for modern law.

Are you sure he wasn't just joking?

I can't follow why married people have separate bank accounts. Good luck OP. It does seem he's got a very one-sided view of your marriage. Sorry I haven't got much that's constructive to say. Show him these replies. I'm guessing he does have a lot of good qualities.

Well, if OP pushes that's going to be the get out of jail card - I was just joking, don't you have a sense of humour!

But the situation is so bad there's no way it can be a joke. If he was oblivious his reaction would have been very different.

Oh hilarious.

It's financial abuse.

She needs to LTB and get what she's entitled to.

@Haribosuperstar

i earn similar to your husband. DW earns about £1k a month. It’s all hers to do whatever she wants with. I have no idea how much she does or doesn’t have saved up. I pay for everything (rightly so), I pay into a pension for her and she has more savings in her name than I do because it’s more tax efficient.

I like to know she’s with me because she loves me, not because she can’t afford to leave.

You might like to diivorce him as you will then get half his pension. Half the house. And he'll have to pay maintenance for the children. You'd be better off.

With his income compared to yours, he should be paying for everything - perhaps via a joint credit card.

And that's the very least.

I bet this isn't the only way he's an absolute arsehole.

When there is such a huge disparity between one spouse's earnings and the others, because the low earning spouse is taking on the burden of child rearing and house running, not sharing finances appears to be on the edge of abuse.

Financial abuse is abuse @Haribosuperstar

Financial abuse…and emotional abuse as he has made you believe this is somehow ok?

Your DH is a total cunt.

None of this makes any sense. Absolutely none of it

Of course it's OK for you to have savings and I expect he was joking.

However don't talk to him again about your savings, it's your business.