To think I should be allowed to have savings?

[Haribosuperstar]

Im married but we’ve never had a joint account. We have three primary aged dc and I stopped working for a few years whilst they were all tiny. I’m back now - 30 hours - and my take home is around £1600. It’s not a highly paid job, unfortunately. I also do all the pick ups and drop offs and facilitate clubs. I do all the cooking and housework etc too.

DH earns around £190k and has a car allowance / fuel / phone also paid for. We don’t have a mortgage. I appreciate he pays a lot of tax on this. He has about £70k in savings and a large pension. I have about £1k in savings a nothing much to speak of pension wise.

DH gives me another £400 a month so I have £2k total. From this I pay for the dc hobbies which is nearly £400, I pay for their clothes, Christmas gifts, birthday gifts. I pay for half the food shopping - approx £350 a month. I pay for my own car, phone etc. My car is on finance because my other car broke down and I couldn’t afford to flat out replace it so I pay that as well as the fuel, insurance etc. I pay the council tax. After those things I’m left with about £800 a month maybe? I also pay for quite a few days out with the kids. Oh and for wrap around three nights a week which is another £80 a month.

The last few months I’ve been trying to save between £150 and £200 a month to try and build up a bit of cash in case of emergencies / if my car needed repair / if I needed a dentist etc.
I mentioned this to DH and he said ‘I didn’t realise you could afford to save, I’ll have to stop giving you so much money,’ and then laughed.

It has upset me because I feel quite vulnerable with nothing and also I’ve always felt very much the poor partner in the relationship.

AIBU to think it’s ok for me to save a bit? I am looking for a better job before anyone says but it’s hard to fit around the kids and then I’m paying a lot of childcare.

Unfortunately it happens
Many men are pricks and do not marry out of total love but just to have a partner for sex initially and she wanted marriage, so he did it but still did not open his whole heart and pocket to her. It happens all the time

Wait so he has 70k in savings but you’re saving in case you need the dentist? Fucking hell there is something wrong here. I feel quite frightened for you. What kind of man would allow his wife to be a second class citizen in the marriage. As others have said, get a divorce and take half from the monster.

What are your and your husband's ages, OP? The lack of a pension for you is worrisome.

This is shocking! I assume he is paying for half the monthly food bill and all other running costs for the home / house apart from council tax? but regardless that’s still grossly uneven.
as a minimum he should be covering the child benefit amount that you can’t claim because of his salary
was he joking about giving you less or totally out of touch!

Seriously?! I don't even know where to start.

you're married, it's ALL joint now, whether he likes it or not!

They're his kids (I assume)

he's a nasty tight cunt & he's on good money & he do tight & mean.

why do you put up with this??

Do you still love him, want to be with him?

you'd probably get more CMS if you left the twat & be happier without him playing lord & master.

get him doing his fair share of house stuff & looking after the kids. He can do pick ups, drop offs, look after them in school holidays, when they're off sick etc

Your DH will be taking home at least £5k per month, he gives you £400 towards bills and pays the other half of the food at £350 so is left with at least £4250 per month.

You pay all the rest of the costs and are left with less than £800pcm.

If you sit down with him and go through the figures, would he really think that's fair? Best case scenario is he's a bit oblivious.

When you have kids together, I think the only fair way to do it if you don't want joint accounts, is to add up all the income, take off the bills and split the rest 50:50 so you both have the same spare money. In your case, it would also be right to split the savings 50:50.

Can you imagine the other way round and you sitting on a pile of cash while your H had to get a car on finance and save up for the dentist?

I think the answer to this issue is divorce. You would be far better off financially by the sound of it.

You need a joint account where all the money goes into and then maybe an account each for personal spends. All family purchases/bills etc out of the joint account.
Probably because I've only ever had a joint account with my husband but I never understand on here when I read that, 'I pay for shopping, clubs etc and DH pays the council tax, mobile phones etc'
You're a partnership with a joint house and children therefore it all comes out of a joint account!

Op you need to have a think about your relationship and have a talk to him. Do you think you both love each other? Do you still go on dates? Does he say actual nice things, hug you, thank you? I’m not saying ltb I’m saying things may have gone stale but not only that his treatment of you sounds like he doesn’t care but hopefully a kick up the you know what- both of you talking, trying to get back to why you married each other etc, will cop him on. On a side note: fuck men and they’re ‘my money’. Marriage is meant to mean our money, team etc xxxxx

I’m constantly flabbergasted by the sheer amount of dreadful men there appears to be out there.

Why is this one not paying his way in your relationship?

His take home is more like 9k, before he pays into a pension or share scheme. if he has a student loan, he may be paying this off as well albeit unnecessarily by the sounds of it as he would have enough to clear this.

I believe not having a joint account when married is mostly a license for financial abuse, usually by men.

I am also confused as to what he actually pays for if you haven't got the mortgage and you are using your salary to pay council tax and all children's expenses. Next time he comments, you may wish to remind him that your assets are legally shared and he will find it out in a jiffy when you file for divorce.

I don’t often jump on the ‘abuse’ langauge but that comment is disgusting and suggests he’s trying to control you financially. I’d suggest sitting down and discussing sharing your finances. Why are you paying everything for your shared children?

Why are you paying for so many things when he earns so much more and he only pays £400 to cover food?! How is that a fair split? How is your house owned?! And why don’t you have a joint account for spending on household stuff?! My hubby and I together earn around £200K. It goes into a joint pot, I put £400 into my personal account and he puts similar into his. And the rest is for us to pay bills . Then whatever is leftover at the end of the month we chuck into a joint savings account. I use some of the money I save monthly for investments and anything else. I have built up quite a bit. Do not put up with this nonsense the kids are his as much as yours and if you need dental treatment he should pay without question! 🤦🏽‍♀️

If my partner was earning that there is no way he would want me working and trying to juggle everything why children are still small.

I don’t understand how you are married with children and your husband is financially free and you are struggling. It should be a partnership.

Aside from anything else, there's tax efficiencies to be had if you both have your own pension, so he's a fool not to be paying into yours instead of building up his savings (assuming he's planning to stay with you until old age).

Why don't you have a sit down and go through your finances and discuss it like a married couple who plan on staying together to ensure your most financially secure future?

Well I hope he paid for your pension when you were at home caring for young children, effectively putting your own career on hold? Plus how about the fact you do the lions share if not all of the life admin. What's his is yours and vice versa. I would never give an indication that you have spare cash again and save for a running away fund! Seriously, what a petty way to run family finances. Not a partnership at all.

Sometimes I read things on mumsnet, and then have to reread, to check what I'm seeing.
And then I ponder if what is being said is true.
@Haribosuperstar I keep reading things like this, and I swing from disbelief to anger (Just to clarify - I believe you but WTF!?)

What an absolute cunt of a man.

I'm sure you'll get some great advice off of other mumnetters....but these threads make me dislike men and their shit attitudes more and more.

for you.....

It doesn't make sense that your household is paying finance costs on a car while sitting on £70k savings. It is abusive that your husband thinks he is 'giving' you money for household expenses. You don't even need a joint account, although it would be sensible. The important, and fair, thing is that you both have equal 'personal ' money, equal savings and pensions.

This is so wrong OP. You are married, you are a unit. Everything is jointly owned no matter whose name is on it.
Why on earth would the man who supposedly loves and cherishes you want to see you in debt when he’s sitting on a stash?
It’s utterly abhorrent to be honest.

This.
His attitude. Wow. It’s 2024 not 1924.

You should have a joint account from which all house hold spends come out. So food, mortgage, council tax, fuel, children's activities, childcare, all kids clothing, presents etc. Basically everything except stuff that is just for you or just for your husband.

So when both my husband and I worked full time we both paid into this account. When I stopped working full time due to kids just he paid into this account . And also he pays money directly into my sole account. To top up the tiny amount I earn .

Any savings we have are considered joint regardless of whose name they are in. And we'd delve into either for say a new boiler or having a new kitchen etc .

To echo others here - this isn’t normal and isn’t okay. But either you agreed to this at the beginning which sounds crazy or it’s financial abuse.

Either couples share all money in a joint account, or have three accounts with a joint account being the third for all bills, mortgage etc. Also, most couple o know that don’t have a shard account pay a proportion of their salary into the account to cover all the bills for example.

Of he thinks it’s his money he is wrong wrong wrong. Get legal advise and tell me half of everything is legally yours. Then see if he wants to divide more fairly. And since you are doing all the running around, childcare etc, he would have to pay alimony and child support.

How has this gone on for so long??? Do your friends and family know about the current setup?

OP get out and get half of everything.