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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To feel really pissed off with DH

109 replies

DribbleMop · 26/10/2024 06:21

My day yesterday : up at 6. DC had a school thing which needed a lot of parental input. Came down to dishwasher finished but messy kitchen. Half sorted, but needed to get school thing done. DH up at 7. I haven’t seen him all week but today he is WFH. I’d say his get up is leisurely, manages to make himself a ground espresso and breakfast. Meanwhile I have DC (who has special needs) to get up. Yesterday I’d had to take DC to A and E for a head injury, then go to a parents consultation, then mow the lawn.
Got DC up and out the door with no help from DH. Then came back to clean the house and take other DC off for sports lesson/food shopping. Then back to sort out present/card for after school party.
I went to party but forgot to remind other DC about a lesson she has via zoom.
DH is aware DC has this lesson as it’s the same every Friday and he WFH.
Came home and lesson has been missed. Teacher is pissed off with me, DC is having meltdown as she missed the lesson, I’m back at 6.30, and the very easy dinner hasn’t been started.
By 7.30 I’m just exhausted and ask DH to put DC to bed.
DH forgets to toilet DC before bed. I’m woken up at 2pm by DC wee accident, I sort all bedding and DH only input is : “where was the mattress protector? Now we need a new mattress”. Mattress isn’t too bad IMO, I can spray and clean.
I’ve given up expressing my thoughts to DH. I just seeth inwardly…

OP posts:
Hoglet70 · 26/10/2024 06:26

He sounds a bit of a lazy arse, I'd have been pissed off too.

RedHelenB · 26/10/2024 06:28

You're being a martyr. Say to dh that it was his mistake to fix re placating the teacher about the missed lesson and changing the bed.

Bestyearever2024 · 26/10/2024 06:30

I wouldn't be expressing anything either

I'd rip him a new one and see a solicitor

What a twat he is

Fizzygoo · 26/10/2024 06:33

Why does he get an extra hour in bed? We wfh have independent teens and get up at 6am for coffee and to get ready before kids

SadSandwich · 26/10/2024 06:35

There’s no reason for your OH to
change if ur doing it all and fixing it for everyone. Divvy up the jobs and next time - it’s your OH who has to get up at 2am. It’s his job to fix the mattress.
He’s taking the piss and you’re expecting to be noticed for doing everything. Change the situation or you will sink from this. And he’s an arse for watching you do everything.

Miloarmadillo2 · 26/10/2024 06:36

Natural consequences - he forgot to take child to toilet - he deals with the accident. He didn’t remind child about lesson - he apologises to teacher and reassures child.
You are carrying all the mental load for the family whilst he waltzes around. It’s not clear if you also work but you need to decide what is fair for your family in terms of dividing up tasks and if you have lots of children you need to communicate about how you will juggle it. Don’t seethe and continue doing it all as he’s probably completely oblivious.
We have 3 kids and both work and have a daily chat about how it will all be divvied up. It probably still falls to me to keep track of the permission slip, £3 for that, 5pm pickup etc etc but we do at least negotiate who does what. Don’t let him get away with weaponised incompetence!

MumChp · 26/10/2024 06:38

Why do you accept this?

Original poster
DribbleMop · 26/10/2024 06:47

I do it because if DH apologised to teacher : I’d have to give him the number, explain what he needs to say, then he’d probably forget to send the message. I did it quickly and sorted it.

If DH does the bed, DC won’t feel reassured by him, he won’t know where to find what he needs, and he’d have fussed about the mattress : which he is now saying we need a new one and we don’t, I just put a thick folded blanket on top, which I’ll wash in the morning - and spray and air the mattress.

OP posts:
Original poster
DribbleMop · 26/10/2024 06:49

He catastrophes, makes a meal out of everything along with forgetting and having appalling time awareness. It’s just easier not to involve him.

OP posts:
Didimum · 26/10/2024 06:50

You need marriage counselling.

BetteDavisChin · 26/10/2024 06:52

You don't have a dh, you have an adult child who is letting you do everything while he coasts along.

Bestyearever2024 · 26/10/2024 06:53

What do you get from being in a relationship with DH?

Original poster
DribbleMop · 26/10/2024 06:54

Marriage counselling would involve me arranging, reminding, sorting childcare, apologising when DH hasn’t turned up. I’d end up needing more counselling from the stress of trying to organise counselling.

OP posts:
Miloarmadillo2 · 26/10/2024 06:55

DribbleMop · 26/10/2024 06:47

I do it because if DH apologised to teacher : I’d have to give him the number, explain what he needs to say, then he’d probably forget to send the message. I did it quickly and sorted it.

If DH does the bed, DC won’t feel reassured by him, he won’t know where to find what he needs, and he’d have fussed about the mattress : which he is now saying we need a new one and we don’t, I just put a thick folded blanket on top, which I’ll wash in the morning - and spray and air the mattress.

He is a competent adult who holds down a job. You are allowing him to be **ing useless and in doing so continuing the current dynamic. Were you born with magical ability to comfort upset children, speak to tutors or complete domestic tasks? No - you learned through repetition. Stop enabling this bullshit.

bozzabollix · 26/10/2024 06:56

Does your husband have additional needs too? When you say bad timekeeping that came into my head.

If it were my husband I’d have exploded. Mine occasionally does the incompetence act, I remind him of his very important job that he’s excellent at and tell him to get on with it. You probably need to give your husband the same reminder.

Topjoe19 · 26/10/2024 06:57

What @Bestyearever2024 said. He's a dick.

Heronwatcher · 26/10/2024 06:58

I know you shouldn’t have to but did you ask him to do any of this stuff?

Sometimes it can be like training a toddler to put their own shoes on, you have to suffer whilst you watch them do a crap job a few times, then gradually things start getting a bit better. But if you just keep doing it for them, they never learn.

I’d definitely have made him do the apologies for the lesson (he’ll never forget again), dinner and changing the bed in the middle of the night. I’d also have been polite but clear that if there were issues they were for him to sort out.

Bestyearever2024 · 26/10/2024 07:00

DribbleMop · 26/10/2024 06:54

Marriage counselling would involve me arranging, reminding, sorting childcare, apologising when DH hasn’t turned up. I’d end up needing more counselling from the stress of trying to organise counselling.

What do you get from being in a relationship with DH?

Original poster
DribbleMop · 26/10/2024 07:01

He gets well paid for his job, and the children are happy/doing well at school. The financial security is there and they can do clubs/activities.

However job is very long hours, and gets his total input. But when I see him WFH, he doesn’t look at all stressed and can stop for food/drinks. He seems to do it all at a leisurely pace.
I work too, but have had holiday the past week.

OP posts:
Crazyeight · 26/10/2024 07:01

Use pet enzyme cleaner on the mattress. Soak it with it and leave to dry for a week.

Make dh organize a mattress protector

Sit down and list all the things that need doing and divide them up. Make it clear that a task (take DC to lesson) involves everything e.g. organizing lesson, supervising practice, kit buying, liaising with teacher, buying Xmas card/gift for teacher etc etc.

BadPeopleFan · 26/10/2024 07:02

DribbleMop · 26/10/2024 06:49

He catastrophes, makes a meal out of everything along with forgetting and having appalling time awareness. It’s just easier not to involve him.

I have a husband very much like this, a simple task is a huge deal to him because he cannot get his head around it. To be honest I stopped involving him in anything to do with the kids years ago when they were very small (teen/adult now!). It sounds counterproductive but things became much easier when I stopped relying on him for anything.
I dealt with school, all appointments, all hobbies, all house stuff etc almost like a single mum but with extra income and seeing my children every day (and not having to pack them off to his every weekend and not be able to keep my eye on them whilst he inevitably fucked up!)
If you are going to stay with him you will have to get used to doing things as if he wasn't there. Is up to you if you think you can cope with that life or if its what you want.

ChristmasFluff · 26/10/2024 07:03

There'd be less mental load if you divorced him.

If you stay for the financial security, keep reminding yourself that this is then basically your 'job'. It's what you do for his money. You may decide the 'wages' are not worth it.

Maray1967 · 26/10/2024 07:04

DribbleMop · 26/10/2024 06:49

He catastrophes, makes a meal out of everything along with forgetting and having appalling time awareness. It’s just easier not to involve him.

The only way to deal with this is to explode at him. I refuse to tolerate this level of incompetence or stupidity and the couple of occasions when it happened here (not for a long time now) I hit the roof. One led to DS 6 months in A&E so a lot more serious than a missed lesson I suppose, but I would still have ‘reminded’ him that we’re supposed to be a team and I can’t do everything myself.

Original poster
DribbleMop · 26/10/2024 07:05

@BadPeopleFan

That’s exactly, exactly how it is. If I do a list, he would make an absolute mountain out of everything on that list. It’s easier if I do it, I can’t rely on him.

OP posts:
Maray1967 · 26/10/2024 07:07

One of our ‘issues’ is appalling time awareness, whether it’s what is happening during the day, or forthcoming dates on the calendar -eg his family’s birthdays coming up.

You have to make him deal with/ face the consequences. It’s how someone like this learns …

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