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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To feel really pissed off with DH

109 replies

DribbleMop · 26/10/2024 06:21

My day yesterday : up at 6. DC had a school thing which needed a lot of parental input. Came down to dishwasher finished but messy kitchen. Half sorted, but needed to get school thing done. DH up at 7. I haven’t seen him all week but today he is WFH. I’d say his get up is leisurely, manages to make himself a ground espresso and breakfast. Meanwhile I have DC (who has special needs) to get up. Yesterday I’d had to take DC to A and E for a head injury, then go to a parents consultation, then mow the lawn.
Got DC up and out the door with no help from DH. Then came back to clean the house and take other DC off for sports lesson/food shopping. Then back to sort out present/card for after school party.
I went to party but forgot to remind other DC about a lesson she has via zoom.
DH is aware DC has this lesson as it’s the same every Friday and he WFH.
Came home and lesson has been missed. Teacher is pissed off with me, DC is having meltdown as she missed the lesson, I’m back at 6.30, and the very easy dinner hasn’t been started.
By 7.30 I’m just exhausted and ask DH to put DC to bed.
DH forgets to toilet DC before bed. I’m woken up at 2pm by DC wee accident, I sort all bedding and DH only input is : “where was the mattress protector? Now we need a new mattress”. Mattress isn’t too bad IMO, I can spray and clean.
I’ve given up expressing my thoughts to DH. I just seeth inwardly…

OP posts:
Bestyearever2024 · 26/10/2024 07:43

I prefer happiness to bickering

Are you happy?

IGuessIllbetheFirst · 26/10/2024 07:46

I agree with @Rooroobear and maybe you are just so exhausted already that it seems too big to take on. But the change will have to be driven by you OP. Ask yourself if it is really happiness as it doesn’t sound like it from your posts.

Discolites · 26/10/2024 07:47

Job is detailed, precise, technical and probably requires a mind that makes a mountain out of things I’d gloss over.

There are lots of jobs like this though, none of them render someone completely incapable of engaging in family life, it's a pathetic excuse. Do you think no one else who does this job bothers to contribute to family life? If he lived on his own would he just not do anything? No cleaning, cooking, washing etc?. Its an excuse he relies on to protect himself from having to do anything to support you and properly parent his children, ew.

BadPeopleFan · 26/10/2024 07:55

Mine has just burnt his toast because I asked him to put a few pans back in the cupboard........apparently it's my fault as he should be able to stand staring at the toast at all times!
It's all well and good saying 'make' them do things, how exactly do you make them do it? If you do manage to make them do the thing what happens when they inevitably fuck it up?
We moved house recently, I did everything, my husband had literally one job, just one thing that I left for him to sort out (with regular reminders from me that it was on him to sort it) he didn't do it properly, I was stuck with the thing he should have sorted for 5 days.....in the end I booked a service to remove the problem.
I made him do something but in the end it was more work for me so what is the point, I should have just done it myself.

whathaveiforgotten · 26/10/2024 08:01

I prefer happiness to bickering

Are you really happy though OP?

Gemstonebeach · 26/10/2024 08:06

DribbleMop · 26/10/2024 06:47

I do it because if DH apologised to teacher : I’d have to give him the number, explain what he needs to say, then he’d probably forget to send the message. I did it quickly and sorted it.

If DH does the bed, DC won’t feel reassured by him, he won’t know where to find what he needs, and he’d have fussed about the mattress : which he is now saying we need a new one and we don’t, I just put a thick folded blanket on top, which I’ll wash in the morning - and spray and air the mattress.

Stop making excuses for him! You can’t whinge he does nothing and then say this.

Whattheduck · 26/10/2024 08:27

Whilst you are doing everything course he’s going to sit back and let you and you can’t say it’s easier to do it yourself then moan he doesn’t help he’s an adult and a parent and he needs to act like one and you need to stop making excuses.

AlertCat · 26/10/2024 08:31

I suppose it depends if you can as some here have done, accept that it is all on you and just do it. Or you want there to be a change. What would happen if you went on holiday for a week on your own? Would he start to understand?

AutumnLeaves1990 · 26/10/2024 08:32

DribbleMop · 26/10/2024 07:05

@BadPeopleFan

That’s exactly, exactly how it is. If I do a list, he would make an absolute mountain out of everything on that list. It’s easier if I do it, I can’t rely on him.

And there lies the problem. Things wont improve if you keep being a martyr.

RamonaRamirez · 26/10/2024 08:33

This is weaponised male incompetence at a high level OP

Couldyounot · 26/10/2024 08:33

DribbleMop · 26/10/2024 06:49

He catastrophes, makes a meal out of everything along with forgetting and having appalling time awareness. It’s just easier not to involve him.

To be quite honest, it sounds like it would be easier not to be married to him, if he's this helpless

user1471538283 · 26/10/2024 08:36

He sounds like another child. What parent forgets to get their DC to go to the bathroom before bed?

But he knows if he doesn't do these things you will.

He is adding to your workload.

FuckThePoPo · 26/10/2024 08:37

I tell you what op why don't you tell us what you want us to say then

PollyPut · 26/10/2024 08:37

I can't help wondering why, with all of these things to do, you "had" to mow the lawn? That sounds like the kind of job that can wait and it doesn't "have" to be you that does it so just don't do it when there are more urgent things like A&E visits going on; especially when you are so tired. I'm sure it could wait.

Re the lesson - if it's important (and you are paying for it) then unfortunately it just makes sense to remind them (both DH and DC). Did the teacher try to call you during the party when DC didn't turn up for the zoom? Did you have a bunch of missed calls?

Dollybantree · 26/10/2024 08:39

BadPeopleFan · 26/10/2024 07:02

I have a husband very much like this, a simple task is a huge deal to him because he cannot get his head around it. To be honest I stopped involving him in anything to do with the kids years ago when they were very small (teen/adult now!). It sounds counterproductive but things became much easier when I stopped relying on him for anything.
I dealt with school, all appointments, all hobbies, all house stuff etc almost like a single mum but with extra income and seeing my children every day (and not having to pack them off to his every weekend and not be able to keep my eye on them whilst he inevitably fucked up!)
If you are going to stay with him you will have to get used to doing things as if he wasn't there. Is up to you if you think you can cope with that life or if its what you want.

Show quote history

You sound like me.

However, I’m a sahm (dcs now teens) so I’ve given dh a lot of leeway for his very stressful job. OP works and I don’t think it’s fair on her at all.

Start making sure there are consequences for his laziness/strategic incompetence op. If it’s his turn to make dinner and he doesn’t, he’ll have to pay for takeaway. Start divvying things up and be very clear about what responsibilities he needs to take on and that you won’t keep reminding him, you just won’t do it yourself or sort things out if he fucks up.

You basically need to care less.

whatatodoaboutnothing · 26/10/2024 08:41

I always find it interesting these useless dh’s can always manage to hold down important well paid jobs which presumably comes with completing and remembering to do things

yet they are incapable of doing anything useful at home or with their kids

Icarus40 · 26/10/2024 08:42

When DH is WFH I don't expect him to get involved with parenting. Chances are he'd be in a meeting when a zoom lesson started so wouldn't be able to get involved.

How old is your DD? Can you put a weekly reminder alarm on her phone?

The rest of your post makes for depressing reading. How can you love/respect/fancy someone who is so incompetent that he can't even send an apology message or remind your DC to use the toilet Confused

Your DH isn't going to wake up one day and realise he's being a man-child and voluntarily step up to the plate. The status quo is currently working in his favour. So you're stuck...unless you decide to do something to redress the balance, even if that means sitting back and watching him get stuff wrong.

(Obviously start with non crucial things like changing wet beds - nothing that puts your DC's safety at risk)

piperatthegates · 26/10/2024 08:51

I am normally sceptical when posters jump to suggesting neurodivergence but the way the op describes her husband sounds very much like he may have ASD or ADHD (or both). The job which she describes as technical and requiring attention to detail is exactly the sort of job which would suit an ND person and she says it takes him a long time even to do that. Plus they have an ND child.

Createausername1970 · 26/10/2024 08:53

In your shoes, I would take the easiest way through this.

I would appreciate that he provides a good income for a good life while the kids are growing up, but just get on with organising things as if he wasn't there. Hire a cleaner for a few hours a week, pay someone to do your ironing etc. Don't ask him, just do it. If he questions it then just say "I can't do it all on my own".

But DO NOT organise anything on his behalf, don't take on any of his load.

Start to stash some money away and start to think about life after the kids have grown up.

WhyamIinahandcartandwherearewegoing · 26/10/2024 08:57

You are enabling him to be useless, and seemingly not wanting to take on any suggestions to force him to step up.

Runskiyoga · 26/10/2024 09:03

Grrr. I understand your approach and your venting. Sometimes a ball will get dropped because he's not covering his half of the court.

bumblingbovine49 · 26/10/2024 09:03

Do any of your DC have ADHD?

I only ask because the thinfs you say about your DH sound a lot like this . Not having a sense of time and finding simple administrative things very overwhelming to do. This is often to do with problems sequencing and working out the steps to do in a task. If there is a lot of things on a list like that it can overwhelm

Or he could just be a lazy arse .

Then again both of these things could be true. They are not mutually exclusive

PrueRamsay · 26/10/2024 09:04

What’s the point of him?

Chipbarmandgravy · 26/10/2024 09:08

DribbleMop · 26/10/2024 06:49

He catastrophes, makes a meal out of everything along with forgetting and having appalling time awareness. It’s just easier not to involve him.

Strategic incompetence!!

if he can be arsed get him to read This is how your marriage ends by Mat Fray or the competence porn thread on here and get him to step the fuck up!

best of luck x

Bumcake · 26/10/2024 09:09

He doesn’t help with anything, and you wouldn’t trust him to in any case. I can’t see a solution other than to suck it up.

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