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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To feel really pissed off with DH

109 replies

DribbleMop · 26/10/2024 06:21

My day yesterday : up at 6. DC had a school thing which needed a lot of parental input. Came down to dishwasher finished but messy kitchen. Half sorted, but needed to get school thing done. DH up at 7. I haven’t seen him all week but today he is WFH. I’d say his get up is leisurely, manages to make himself a ground espresso and breakfast. Meanwhile I have DC (who has special needs) to get up. Yesterday I’d had to take DC to A and E for a head injury, then go to a parents consultation, then mow the lawn.
Got DC up and out the door with no help from DH. Then came back to clean the house and take other DC off for sports lesson/food shopping. Then back to sort out present/card for after school party.
I went to party but forgot to remind other DC about a lesson she has via zoom.
DH is aware DC has this lesson as it’s the same every Friday and he WFH.
Came home and lesson has been missed. Teacher is pissed off with me, DC is having meltdown as she missed the lesson, I’m back at 6.30, and the very easy dinner hasn’t been started.
By 7.30 I’m just exhausted and ask DH to put DC to bed.
DH forgets to toilet DC before bed. I’m woken up at 2pm by DC wee accident, I sort all bedding and DH only input is : “where was the mattress protector? Now we need a new mattress”. Mattress isn’t too bad IMO, I can spray and clean.
I’ve given up expressing my thoughts to DH. I just seeth inwardly…

OP posts:
Maray1967 · 26/10/2024 07:09

DribbleMop · 26/10/2024 07:05

@BadPeopleFan

That’s exactly, exactly how it is. If I do a list, he would make an absolute mountain out of everything on that list. It’s easier if I do it, I can’t rely on him.

I refused to accept that - and I was prepared to let the natural consequences happen eg him having to scramble around to sort out MIL’s birthday card and gift.

MumChp · 26/10/2024 07:10

DribbleMop · 26/10/2024 06:47

I do it because if DH apologised to teacher : I’d have to give him the number, explain what he needs to say, then he’d probably forget to send the message. I did it quickly and sorted it.

If DH does the bed, DC won’t feel reassured by him, he won’t know where to find what he needs, and he’d have fussed about the mattress : which he is now saying we need a new one and we don’t, I just put a thick folded blanket on top, which I’ll wash in the morning - and spray and air the mattress.

How many children are you looking after? Just wondering if it's one too many...

Maray1967 · 26/10/2024 07:11

Or taking DS to a party when young and not taking the gift. I made him drive to the house later with the gift. His suggestion was I could take it to school on Monday- err, no. I made sure he was inconvenienced and missed sport on the TV. Next time he took the gift to the party.

Original poster
DribbleMop · 26/10/2024 07:12

Oh god @Maray1967, that sounds awful.
I worry because our driveway leads straight onto a road, and I always ensure DC with SEN is near me, or I go out first. DH just opens the front door and lets him run out. I’ve said countless times not to do this, exploded, but it still happens. So I HAVE to make sure I get to the door first.

OP posts:
DivergentTris · 26/10/2024 07:13

Why are you putting up with it?

You are clearly able to cope on your own despite it being exhausting.

Your biggest issue is knowing he's like this and not getting shot of him.

Stop making it easier for him by doing everything and allowing him to get away with doing nothing.

MumChp · 26/10/2024 07:14

DribbleMop · 26/10/2024 07:12

Oh god @Maray1967, that sounds awful.
I worry because our driveway leads straight onto a road, and I always ensure DC with SEN is near me, or I go out first. DH just opens the front door and lets him run out. I’ve said countless times not to do this, exploded, but it still happens. So I HAVE to make sure I get to the door first.

What does your partner give you?
It sounds dreadful.

Original poster
DribbleMop · 26/10/2024 07:14

@Maray1967

Thats exactly my DH too with the gift. He’d even potentially have it with him (after I’ve put it in his hand) and come back still holding it…

OP posts:
Maray1967 · 26/10/2024 07:17

Your choice is either tackle this head on, which does take some work, or just accept it and do the work. It’s work either way, unfortunately. I was on a mission to ‘correct’ what I saw was some sort of tradition in his family, that the women do all the Christmas and birthday buying for both families. I noticed very quickly that my DB’s wife expected him to deal with our family - well done SIL.

tillylula · 26/10/2024 07:19

My husband is like this. I'd say you're lucky he even gets out of bed. Mine wakes up when I plonk baby on him to take eldest to school. Then he remains in bed till about 9.30/10am

Discolites · 26/10/2024 07:19

Why are you putting up with this? It's enabled incompetency because you pick up the pieces, I hate to say it but it's a bit pathetic all round.

AutumnLeaves24 · 26/10/2024 07:20

I'm a bit (lot) of a control freak, so prefer to be 'in charge'. But I can delegate certain things, in your case I'd have the child's linen in a specific place where he knows it is. Then HE can change it. 'Why wasn't the mattress protector on the bed' is a valid question. Why wasn't it?? I have at least two for each bed, when one is taken off another is put on before the bed is made up.

he would be responsible for DD being ready for her online lesson if he's home & im not.

is he ND?

Do you still love him?

you need to work with DS & DH, so that DS does feel reassured by DH, that's very important for all of you. God forbid shoukd anything happen to you, the kids need to feel loved & reassured by their Dad.

Maray1967 · 26/10/2024 07:21

DribbleMop · 26/10/2024 07:12

Oh god @Maray1967, that sounds awful.
I worry because our driveway leads straight onto a road, and I always ensure DC with SEN is near me, or I go out first. DH just opens the front door and lets him run out. I’ve said countless times not to do this, exploded, but it still happens. So I HAVE to make sure I get to the door first.

Bloody hell - that is awful! Mine learned very quickly that what I’d asked him not to do really was not a good idea after all. DS rolled off a caravan sofa shortly after we arrived after a long drive when DH was tired and I went for a shower. I asked him to put him on the playmat - he told me to stop telling him what was and wasn’t safe etc, he was fine etc The French A& E dr made his views clear.

I delivered a bollocking when both DS were in bed and he never did it again.

Yours does sound spectacularly useless, I admit.

beachcitygirl · 26/10/2024 07:21

Weaponised incompetence.
If he holds down a good job, he can share the household & mental load.

He doesn't respect you.
Serious talk with serious action or separation is the only answer.

For the love of god stop accepting this shite

Original poster
DribbleMop · 26/10/2024 07:22

@Maray1967

Defo family tradition. His parents are lovely, but I can as soon as GDad puts in any kitchen input, it’s 10x stress for GMa. She appreciates my help tho…

OP posts:
Sartre · 26/10/2024 07:23

So essentially you do everything and he just lazily swans around watching you struggle? He sounds like a real gem.

Maray1967 · 26/10/2024 07:24

On a practical level, get a waterproof mattress protector- they don’t need to have a plasticky layer. John Lewis does one that feels just like material, but is waterproof.

Tell DH to order it, even if you have to stand over him while he does it.

Original poster
DribbleMop · 26/10/2024 07:25

You say hold down a good job : he spends ALL his time doing it. If he did it 9 til 5.30 AND took responsibility for the children, he wouldn’t be able to hold it down.

OP posts:
Original poster
DribbleMop · 26/10/2024 07:27

I have a mattress protector, but it was washed and not put back on by me once it had dried. But I’ll get a spare! Thank you X

OP posts:
IGuessIllbetheFirst · 26/10/2024 07:29

The funny thing with these men is that they are often very competent at work, remembering meetings and deadlines and not needing to be given a step by step guide on what to do on their tasks. In fact at work they behave like the responsible adults that they actually are.
I’ve worked in many male-dominated environments and there tended to be 2 types - those that respected their wives, were the same responsible adults at work and home and so naturally shared the responsibility of managing home life - and then those that didn’t.
He is probably quite happy with the status quo, you rushing around him like a servant to sort it out all out at home. If you want things to change, then it will have to be driven by you OP.

Discolites · 26/10/2024 07:30

DribbleMop · 26/10/2024 07:25

You say hold down a good job : he spends ALL his time doing it. If he did it 9 til 5.30 AND took responsibility for the children, he wouldn’t be able to hold it down.

What's his job? We hear them on here, but yet to actually hear of one that genuinely prevents the man (it's always the man) doing much for their family.

Zippedydodah · 26/10/2024 07:31

DribbleMop · 26/10/2024 07:05

@BadPeopleFan

That’s exactly, exactly how it is. If I do a list, he would make an absolute mountain out of everything on that list. It’s easier if I do it, I can’t rely on him.

Mine’s like this too, I have long been used to just getting on with it.

Gettingannoyednow · 26/10/2024 07:33

I can’t rely on him.

Have you said this to him? Is he not ashamed that his own wife cannot trust him to do basic things?

unlikelychump · 26/10/2024 07:37

My husband is like this. He wants to be able to do stuff but barely functions in the house. 3 children, of which 2 have sen has been too much for him. He knows this and also he can get snappy he is just burnt out.

We are looking into a disagosis for him.

Original poster
DribbleMop · 26/10/2024 07:38

Job is detailed, precise, technical and probably requires a mind that makes a mountain out of things I’d gloss over.

I think he knows I can’t rely on him. I’m sure I’ve said it many times. But less so now as I know it’s pointless and I prefer happiness to bickering.

OP posts:
Rooroobear · 26/10/2024 07:41

I understand that you’re frustrated but the replies you are getting are very helpful and you’re just giving excuses back. If nothing will change and you can’t see anything changing what is the point of this?

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