To feel really pissed off with DH

[DribbleMop]

My day yesterday : up at 6. DC had a school thing which needed a lot of parental input. Came down to dishwasher finished but messy kitchen. Half sorted, but needed to get school thing done. DH up at 7. I haven’t seen him all week but today he is WFH. I’d say his get up is leisurely, manages to make himself a ground espresso and breakfast. Meanwhile I have DC (who has special needs) to get up. Yesterday I’d had to take DC to A and E for a head injury, then go to a parents consultation, then mow the lawn.
Got DC up and out the door with no help from DH. Then came back to clean the house and take other DC off for sports lesson/food shopping. Then back to sort out present/card for after school party.
I went to party but forgot to remind other DC about a lesson she has via zoom.
DH is aware DC has this lesson as it’s the same every Friday and he WFH.
Came home and lesson has been missed. Teacher is pissed off with me, DC is having meltdown as she missed the lesson, I’m back at 6.30, and the very easy dinner hasn’t been started.
By 7.30 I’m just exhausted and ask DH to put DC to bed.
DH forgets to toilet DC before bed. I’m woken up at 2pm by DC wee accident, I sort all bedding and DH only input is : “where was the mattress protector? Now we need a new mattress”. Mattress isn’t too bad IMO, I can spray and clean.
I’ve given up expressing my thoughts to DH. I just seeth inwardly…

100 % this.

I voted YABU because you allow him to live the way he does.
You shouldn't have to work all hours to hold down a good job, you should be capable of it in the contracted hours and if you're not something is either wrong with the way you're (he) carrying it out, or the company need to be told it's too much for one person. You should work to live not live to work, what's the point of having a family to never spend time with them?!
You'd be better off as a single parent.

If you both work then he needs to shoulder some responsibility for the running of the house and childcare obligations.

God help you OP.
That is some loser waste of space you are with.
Do whatever you can to lessen your load.
Stop doing ANYTHING that benefits him.
Try and mind yourself.
Life is very hard with children when you realise you are with a lazy selfish loser.

This. It’s very frustrating to read. He can get up at 6am if you are to help with breakfast etc. he can help with child-related things after 5.30pm when WFH. What does he think other parents who WFH and have parental responsibilities have to do? Yes I have a demanding job 9-5, that I have to focus on, but I can still use my lunch break to unload the dishwasher or do washing. Your DH doesn’t seem to have any idea of his parental responsibilities and needs to be reminded of that. Do you want your kids to grow up with this example OP? As an example, my DH is often up before me because I’ll have been up with the toddler in the night. He’ll have made me a tea, made kids breakfast, be unloading dishwasher. We will double team getting uniform prepped etc. it’s what a team does.

I voted YABU because it’s unreasonable to quietly seethe and not do anything about it.

He is being VVVV unreasonable though.

It doesn’t matter if hes ND

I am and I still manage a house and kids when they where wee

I have reminders on my phone for it but if your doing it all he’ll think why should I and he’s doing the bare minimum and by the looks of it for years.

I couldn’t live like this and would end it.

The difference between their job and home is, they care about their job but they don’t care about the home stuff.

Plus they know you won’t let anything bad happen so they just don’t focus on it as a priority for them.

Mine is like this, I joke that he turns his brain off as soon as he gets home. However I work part time and so expect to pick up more home stuff but he does cook and clean up every night and has other strengths so I try to see the positives.

can you do that OP or is he totally useless?

Agree with others, sounds like he is also ND. To those who say it's learnt incompetence - actually I think he might be terrible at doing all those things. Yes, some men are just crap but whenever OP mentions they have a SEN child plus a useless husband I often wonder whether husband is also ND.

Seething inwardly doesn’t seem to be working does it op? And when something isn’t working, you try something else surely.

your h sounds useless. He doesn’t care about you very much does he if he’s happy to watch you struggle.

Nope, she needs a divorce. Her husband clearly has no respect for her.

Sounds like he wants a full time stay at home wife.

So quit work give him that and see if he likes the financial downshift in lifestyle.

Men can't have it both ways- the wifely duties 24/7 but also the income from a second household income.

So divorce him then. Or continue as you are. Those are your choices.

Why are you going to a&e and then coming home and mowing the grass and cleaning the house, grocery shopping and the other list of things ?

The grass surely being October nearly November is too late to cut. If it has to be done why can't your DH do it on his day off ?

Get online shopping, there's 7 of us here and I put a blank A4 piece of paper on the fridge and everyone writes what they need and I lash it onto the order or get your DH to do it .

Ensure your kitchen is clean before bed, that means anyone who's abled bodied puts their dishes in the dishwasher after dinner and the counters wiped down, dishwasher emptied before bed and it means a clean kitchen next morning and breakfast stuff can be loaded in and a quick wipe around.

Join up a calendar on your phones or get a paper one and put in everything that needs doing with the person's name bedside it that is responsible for it. If you continue to do it all yourself then no one is going to offer to do it.

I'm not sure how his WFH works, like is he able to leave his desk or is he not available to help?I often read here where women prefer that their working at home days is treated like they're out and not to be disturbed .

After school things need to be shared if both are available, sometimes we end up doing more because we're there more but on the days he's there he has to help out .

You'll just burn yourself out if you continue to do everything.

But you're not happy?

How old are your children? Should your DD have remembered her lesson? And why would you have to tell your husband what to say? Is he ND?

And if you want a life as a permanent unappreciated housekeeper then carry on as you are.

He is a lazy bastard because you allow him to be.

OP, is he kind to you? Do you get on well? Have fun together? Or are you so exhausted from all of this you are just churning through life?

Another vote for your husband having ADHD here. My husband has it and we are pretty sure I do too (not impulsive and did v well at school so late to recognise lots of traits). The main difference is I had supportive parents and learned many coping mechanisms over the years so I cope with the traits whereas he didn’t and struggles much more.

I still take on a lot more of the life admin etc. but have focused on trying to support him manage himself/the kids instead of just taking over. He also is aware the burden it puts on me so actively tries to lessen it in other ways (taking on tasks he is confident with, taking children out regularly to give me breaks to decompress etc). It’s a challenge but if he didn’t care about the burden on me I wouldn’t be with him.

He'll be paying for everything from his job. But that counts for very little on MN.

I get you think he's incompetent but I see it time and time again on MN where women are running themselves into the ground on unnecessary non-jobs.

What stood out to me was you mowing the lawn. Why would you not just leave it if you didn't have time?

@THisbackwithavengeance why would he be "paying for everything from his job?" OP works too? She could probably make a lot more money if she had someone enabling her to work twelve hours a day.

OP also works as well as doing everything in the house, all the mental load, all the childcare and clearing up after DH when he fucks up.

I get where you are coming from. I did it all too.

Just be careful though, I'm very ill currently and my family is falling apart around me as they simply don't know how to do the simple everyday things as it was quciker for me to just deal with it.....

He doesn't take joint responsibility so you shouldn't.
I dont know how the teacher of the missed lesson expressed their pissed offness to you but a deflection of " sorry thats all on dh, you should have a word with him when you see him next" would have been entirely appropriate.
The bed. You change the child and he sleeps in your bed, dh gets the sofa. Reassurance happens . Dh gets consequences. If hes tired and worse at work the next day then he can explain why. Or he can suck it up.
You are not just doing everything, you are covering for him. Trying to make it look like he is sharing and functional when hes not.
Hes clearly not bothered about how you think of him, so spread the word. Public shaming , even infront of him.
" Yeah, It would be nice but dh is a cockwomble and probably wont do the necessary to make it happen" should be a stock reply to anything where you are stressing yourself to make things happen which might not because you are not a team.

@DribbleMop stop fixing his mistakes. I know it seems harder to give him the number but honestly, stop enabling him to leave it all to you. It will feel weird at first but honestly liberating once you get the hang of it. Like we teach our kids - ‘consequences’ - didn’t have lesson? Has to soothe child and placate teacher. Didn’t take child to loo? Gets to change bedding at 2am and spray the mattress or fund a new one.

when it happens, say ‘here’s the number’ or whatever. Don’t leap in and save the day.

You have taken over all the household knowledge/remembering things because it's easier than trying to get him to do it.
A mistake easily made - I did it myself years ago.
But not too late to remedy. From TODAY push things back to him. Every time. You know.
Every time.
It does work. Much grumpiness but it does work.

Did I read correctly that you mow the lawn? Time to invest in a robomower if DH isn’t going to do it…he pays of course.