To wonder how people have further children

[Dunnowhatimat]

I feel horrible in the way this may come across, but it's something I'm genuinely curious about and would like others' opinion, particularly those who did go on to have more children.
My DD almost 3 yrs old just got a diagnosis for autism. She's my 1st (and only atm) and I suspected something very early on but was told I was overthinking (I'm a worrier and tend to do this). She's a wonderful girl, I love her to bits, but she can be a lot of hard work and harder than NT children even younger than her.

I would love another child, I'm in mid 30s and would need to start planning soon, but I'm a bit worried in case I have another child with additional needs. Main reason for this is because I'm afraid of having to split my focus/time from my DD1. And I love her so much and want to do the best by her.
I also work FT and am the main income provider. I

I see many families who went on yo have one or multiple children after their 1st who were additional needs, aibu to ask how they do it - mentally, financially, physically ?!

Any opinions/advice/suggestions?!?!!

YANBU. Most people don’t stop and think about it tbh and most of the burnt out families you see are the ones trying to manage varying needs (even if no SEN) of multiple children. There’s no harm in just having one if you feel it best. I suppose you have to just weigh everything up and consider how you would manage if a second also had additional needs, perhaps needing even more of your time

Honestly? We just did it and hoped for the best. First child diagnosed with ASD. Second pregnancy turned out to be twins and they are neurotypical. We just decided to roll the dice. But we are well off financially and I could have stayed home if needed

Personally in your position I'd stop at one. You've got an awful lot on your plate and another child, NT or ND, is going to make your life way harder. It sounds like you're a great mum but it will likely be easier on both of you to stop at one.

I think it’s a very sensible thing to think about, that many don’t. In my line of work, I see many families struggling with children with varying additional needs.

Don't know. I have a 9 week old. I'm not cut out for this. I wanted 2 children so much as I'm an only child and there's no extended family for me or DH.

I cry about it most days, as I don't think I could ever cope with a newborn again.

@265IceCream Be kind to yourself, it is early days and you are right in the midst of finding your way. If you are feeling totally overwhelmed please speak to your HV or GP.

OP - I had a newborn in my arms when they first mentioned autism. You just have to dig in.

I know a few people with dc with disabilities or sen. Most either didn't really know how severe needs would be or waited until they were able to cope before having another.

No. 1 - had no idea dc 1 was going to be diagnosed with autism. It only really became noticeable/difficult when about 6 yo.

No.2 - dc1 had some developmental delays & birth related damage. Pregnant with no 2 when eldest was only 18m and it wasn't apparent how severely disabled they were.

No. 3 - knew dc1 had multiple disabilities. Had dc2 when dc1 school age & i think they were in a bit of a a routine, felt they could cope etc.

No. 4 - eldest 2 dc no disabilities. 3rd DC came along, autism/adhd.

Oh, I'm so sorry. The first few weeks are especially hard, and definitely if no extended family (I do but they're only very slightly better than useless).
Things will come together - it doesn't feel like it, but you'll get rewards in smiles and kisses, or when they make you laugh with their silliness!
Not to pry or offer unsolicited advice - but would it be worth talking to your GP? Postnatal depression is very real and hormones along with what your body went through, a new little person relying on you with no extended family help is a lot of pressure for you. Believe me I know! Please do reach out for support x

Honestly, first baby was hard work (though lovely). Second baby I thought 'oh - this is why people talk about having babies being a nice experience'

Some babies just feed, sleep, smile, coo. Others - less so! You take your chances when you conceive.

Dc1 is lovely but just a slightly more demanding and particular person. She's 7 now and same personality as when she was a baby basically.

You've got a lot on with your child's special needs op, only you can say if you want to give it another throw of the dice.

We didn’t know for ‘sure’ with ds until I was pregnant. Yep life was so hard but we assumed it would get easier. Also broodiness is not logical. I still want another. And actually, my second is much easier and a best friend to our first so no regrets!

The main thing is we still desperately wanted another.

Your feelings are normal 265iceCream. It can be very lonely and overwhelming when you have a new baby and no family support. Hang on in there, things will get better

Honestly, I’m sure I’ll be judged for this, but if I’d have known how it would end up I’d have stopped at 1.

Child 1 learning disability, ASD and ADHD.

Had child 2 when he was at school, in a good routine and thought we would be ok and we are in the sense that we manage.

BUT! Child 2 is NT and misses out on so much! Friends can’t come over as child 1 doesn’t cope. Can’t go on most days out as child 1 doesn’t cope. She spends so much of her time missing out, trying to avoid her brothers latest meltdown or resenting him for the massive impact he has on her life.

It’s awful to say this as a parent but it is absolutely not possible to fully meet both their needs. They are fed, clean and cared for etc. but it’s all the other things, experiencing a theme park, a holiday, a birthday party. All the kids that most kids experience and my daughter can’t because of her brother.

And before anyone ignorant to SEN needs says take my daughter out without my son. How many volunteers do you think I get to care for a 6 foot man with the emotional development of the typical toddler?

is genetics an option? My DC1 (severe ASD) has an underlying genetic disorder which isn't inherited. We found out after asking for microarray testing. No ASD in the family. Felt 'safe' to go for DC2 the condition isn't inherited but low and behold DC2 also have a diagnosis of ASD. I am not going to lie. Life is very hard. I work every minute I can when the DC are in school. When they are at home, they both need so much attention. I don't have family, get very little in respite care. I am socially totally isolated as I cannot see friends. Money is tight as I can only work reduced hours. My marriage has crumbled under the stress of raising two high needs DC. Both are teens but need 24/7 support and cannot be left alone at all. Neither at home nor outside the house. I love my children more than anything but I am going to be honest, our quality of life is pretty shit. Everything is a struggle and a battle.

Nothing on life is guaranteed. If you have a DC with ASD, the chances for another child are higher. My local parent support group is full of families with more than one disabled child. Unless you are prepared to have another DC with SN, don't! I think it really is that simple.

Is your eldest classified as a young carer? I believe there are a lot of organisations that help out with things like days out and experiences eg theme parks that they just might not be able to do otherwise.

editing - sorry I meant is youngest a young carer!

Looking at those around me, I think very often they had already had dc2 by the time dc1 was diagnosed

Of course that doesn’t mean that they wouldn’t have had more children anyway, had they known

My kids are close together so I didn’t know our eldest was autistic when I had their sibling. That said, their sibling is the absolute best with them and are so understanding. I was scared to have a third (and didnt) because I didn’t think personally I had the emotional resources to parent well more than one autistic child (no reflection on those that do and do it so well, this is purely my situation).

Both my children are NT but I just know in my gut that I couldn't cope with a third child. I love babies and I do feel a bit sad about it but I just know a third would ruin me and have a negative impact on the two i already have, so I'm done. I think its sensible to try and be as pragmatic as possible about it in any circumstances

I felt exactly the same as you! It so so tough and those first three months are the worst. It does get easier and you do forget… I must have forgotten most of it because I’m now pregnant with my second. Getting through the other side and knowing it doesn’t last forever makes a huge difference when deciding on a second!

@Aliciainwunderland Yes she is but most of the young carer groups near me didn’t survive the Tory’s. So now she has the government statutory provision of the absolute minimum they can legally get away with. Which is a phone call every 6 months to see if there’s anything she needs and when I list the things she needs they send me somewhere else for them to tell me the service no longer has the funding.

It’s truly disgusting how disabled families have been treated the last couple of years. Almost all services gone, social care budgets cut so no more respite, make it harder and harder to get DLA etc. so the already frazzled parents just don’t have it in them to file yet another appeal. Every time I see in the news a parent taking their own life and the life of their SEN child / adult I know exactly why. If I didn’t have a partner to share the load and work to give me something else to focus on I’d have lost the plot many years ago.

I have two NT (as far as I know) children, and the main reason for not having a third is the increasing risk as we get older of autism or other conditions that would require us to spread ourselves too thin regarding attention and energy for the other two.

I was naive, DS1 was young so we had no idea how hard it would actually be (I blame the 'ASD is a superpower' brigade for lying to us all) and I fell pregnant incredibly quickly.

I actually have 4DC, 2 of whom (1 and 3) have ASD. The other two are NT. I'm not risking a 5th.

In your position i’d seriously consider stopping at one. My friends DD age 6 is autistic, non verbal, still not toilet trained and life is extremely hard for her. She’s a sole parent with no outside help, apart from the childminder who charges a fortune. I feel for her and she will often tell me (and I can hear from long phone calls) just how tough it is, especially battling for diagnosis, the correct ongoing support her. So knowing what I know from how hard it is for my friend, i’d stop with the one

DC1 has ASD which gradually become more apparent the older they have gotten
DC2 came along suprisingly, straight after DC1 before we knew of any SEN.

we waited until DC1 started school and we were managing well/ happy and all needs were met well so we went for DC3. Halfway through my pregnancy DC2 was diagnosed with medical issues and then recently a physical issue. Shortly after DC3 arrived, DC1 moved up a phase in school and things snowballed for them and they are really struggling. We manage and they are all well cared for, but we know we are often judged for having multiple children who have now been diagnosed with different things.

it’s challenging but DC3 is hugely loved by siblings and we have no regrets.

OP how does your partner / husband feel about it? It would make the world of difference if he is hands on or on board for another