To wonder how people have further children

[Dunnowhatimat]

I feel horrible in the way this may come across, but it's something I'm genuinely curious about and would like others' opinion, particularly those who did go on to have more children.
My DD almost 3 yrs old just got a diagnosis for autism. She's my 1st (and only atm) and I suspected something very early on but was told I was overthinking (I'm a worrier and tend to do this). She's a wonderful girl, I love her to bits, but she can be a lot of hard work and harder than NT children even younger than her.

I would love another child, I'm in mid 30s and would need to start planning soon, but I'm a bit worried in case I have another child with additional needs. Main reason for this is because I'm afraid of having to split my focus/time from my DD1. And I love her so much and want to do the best by her.
I also work FT and am the main income provider. I

I see many families who went on yo have one or multiple children after their 1st who were additional needs, aibu to ask how they do it - mentally, financially, physically ?!

I stopped at one. Ds very severely disabled and with my own health issues there's no way I was going to risk another. I'm so grateful that I didn't seriously consider it even though I grieved for the nt child I never had.

Most people just don’t think too much and hope for the best. That’s not necessarily a good trait to have when you’re deciding to bring more children into this world who more likely than not will have additional needs. However, on rare occasions things turn out just fine, a Mozart is born in the unlikeliest of circumstances, and it is these kind of stories you’ll most often hear, rare as they are.
I myself will stop at one, simply because I can’t financially afford another and motherhood has taught me that most men aren’t the best team players when it comes to the division of parental responsibility.

It is a roll of the dice. If your first is autistic then you have a 1 in 5 chance your second will be too. I personally don't think that's high but it gets more likely the older you get, so I wouldn't put it off too long if you want a second child.

Please see a doctor. I think you are suffering post natal depression like I was. Take care of yourself.

Our DS has SEN and after putting off having another we’ve kinda decided we’re probably not going to as we’re approaching 40, permanently shattered and wary of the impact of having another baby on everyone (including the baby themselves having to share the attention with a disabled older sibling. I just don’t know if we have it in us!) the part that makes my breath catch and my heart sink is the thought that it’s unlikely we’ll ever be grandparents. For some reason that’s the part that’s really upsetting me.

I took the title at face value, & wonder how any woman can voluntarily go through it all again - pregnancy, childbirth, and so on.

It’s ok, it will get better, I cried a lot for the first year of my DD’s life and was convinced I had made a horrible mistake. She’s now my world and I wouldn’t be without her. It will get easier, be kind to yourself.

My child is NT (didn’t have another one because we are older and the risks just go up). In my family what seemed like very mild problems for two autistic children escalated very quickly after the age of 4 for one and about 8 ish for the other. There really wasn’t any sign that when they were younger that it would get so difficult to manage. I don’t think even with a diagnosis that you can predict accurately what path a child particular condition will take. Mostly I think people have kids before they realise or when they think everything is well managed.

If it were me though I wouldn’t have a second, only because I’ve seen a child completely deteriorate at an older age and it was horrible for him and his family to go through.

My friends boy has muscular dystrophy and she doesn't think she'll ever be a grandparent as she fears he'll struggle with relationships. It's so hard on her and him.

It's early days. I feel like that. My ds will have no one in the family of his generation. Well not close anyway my cousins kid is the same age but that's it. My dh is an only child so his friends children are like cousins to ours.

Yes, it’s unclear how independent our child will ever be at this stage. He’s 5 and has some kind of developmental delay and learning disability. I just hope one day he can move out, have a friend or two and possible a job. Funnily enough muscular dystrophy was one of the areas investigated for our DS but so far we’ve not found a condition or diagnosis that accounts for his needs.

DH and I are also both ND so I just think another child would be too big a stretch. We’d planned to try again when he was around 18 months but then covid hit and it went on the back burner. I kinda wish we’d got on with it then before DS’s needs emerged so we didn’t have a choice

For me, I had two close together.
I kept being told some babies are tricky..that she would grow out of it 😅

It gradually became worse and that was during second pregnancy. It was only after second birth they referred to investigate a possible genetic chromosone issue and that I am likely passing on issues.
(Very lucky second seems fine ) if I knew before that my children would have increased likelihood of severe disability I probably would have at looked at adoption or other routes. I wouldn't of knowingly gone through the risks of still birth or significant lifelong disability.

I hope I don't sound cruel I love my children so much, but feel guilt. I also couldn't bare losing a child so to go into pregnancy knowing that was likely I wouldn't of done it.

I do feel blessed, she's overcome a lot of hurdles, but I guess I'm sad life will be harder for her.

My stepson is a wonderful, but also very complex little boy. He’s 8, cognitively around 3 , though his communication is much lower. He is diagnosed ASC, ADHD, global delay and PDA.

The (lack of) sleep, behavioural issues when they happen and attachment needs he has make it absolutely impossible for myself and my partner to consider bringing a sibling into his life.

It would mean taking something substantial from him, and I’m honestly not convinced we’d ever have enough energy or resources for two children - we’re giving what we’ve got already. He’d hate it, and it would be completely unfair on everyone.

We’ve committed to not having any kids together and being a 1 child family, which also means me not having any of my own biological children. But honestly, the alternative is just not do-able.

"Luckily" I knew when I was pregnant with DC1 that he was going to have some physical disabilities. I thought we were coping OK until he was around 2ish and I was starting to think possibly about another.

Then DS became very ill and we spent most of a year in hospital. His condition is still vaguely diagnosed but not fully pinned down. After seeing him so ill and realising that we don't know if its genetic or a fluke killed all my plans for no 2/3.

Now DS copes but can still become ill very quickly we know the local hospital too well, he needs a PA at school but goes to mainstream and is NT.

If we had a second child I know we couldn't have coped, even if they were born "normal", we couldn't have given them the care and attention they would have needed as DS requires so much extra care than another boy his age.

I wanted to stop at one as my older one has ASD and was a nightmare when he was little.
DH wanted another and actually, so pleased we had dd, who was completely different, great communicator. Unlike her brother, I never knew what he wanted and he just screamed. Constantly, it felt like. I went back to work full time because I couldn't cope and dh had started his own business so was more flexible with schooltimes etc anyway.
But then, as DD learned to talk, DS saw her asking for things and getting them - and copied her. I don't think he would have learned to talk properly without her.
They've always been friends, actually, never fought. DS does depend a lot on DD tho, he asks her things before he comes to us.
DH had the snip after that - he did say he would but he was the one who really wanted another.
So we were especially lucky with our second one, feel so blessed, but you can never tell.
I really don't know how people cope if they have two with disabilities and I am constantly in awe of how single parents manage,even if the dc are not disabled.
Good luck, whatever you decide.

I feel my experience is relevant and might help so I'll share honestly.

I always suspected I was autistic on and off from my twenties and also my mum. These days I feel it's more like adhd, but I've never had an assessment.

Faat forward to having dd1. She was a high need baby, never stopped crying, but then turned into a very quiet, albeit sensitive, baby at about 6 months.

I knew from day 1 she was different. She was completely delightful, but super intelligent and verbally advanced, whilst missing all her physical milestones like crawling, walking, jumping etc, as well as being very averse to change and very shy.

I decided to have another, because I worried that she would be a lonely child and have no friends (tbh a bit like I would have been at times without my siblings).

It wasn't just that obviously, I had always thought we would have more, but I knew that I was stretched, even by one.

Anyway, it worked out brilliantly. I had another dd and the age gap is 2 2/3 years. It was very, very tough when they were both tiny. But once they could play together, they bonded so closely together and we're inseparable.

There were issues between them at times. But generally they have both been gifts in each other's lives. Dd1 has literally just got a diagnosis of autism aged 21. I tried so many times in childhood but each time was fobbed off, delayed, obfuscated, screened out. In the end, dd1 decided she'd had enough of being messed about.

All in all, I'm eternally grateful for my two daughters.

I’m a single mother of two my 5 year old and 3 year old and myself are autistic 😂❤️ plus I have no support from family anybody … it’s hard but wouldn’t change my kids for the world , having my second son has literally completed us couldn’t imagine our lives without him (and he’s the most difficult one 😂😂😂) good days and bad days , one day at a time ❤️❤️❤️

You’re not unreasonable to question if it would be too much for you. I must admit when I found out I was having a boy I had some worry about autism because it runs in the males of my family. So far no signs (I work with young children so am aware of early signs) but even if he did grow up to get a diagnosis, I would still love him as much, but of course I’m aware it would make life more difficult.
Even on the assumption he has no additional needs, and even though he is a very happy baby, I wouldn’t have another. It drives me mad when people say (including the day you give birth), “Wait till you have another” and when you point out you aren’t they say, “Oh just wait, you’ll change your mind” as though I can’t think for myself.

I think it's fine if all your dc are ASD, and maybe also 1/both parents, as you're then all coping alright by adopting the same lifestyle. I think if your second is NT it could be harder, as the NT and ASD dc might have very different needs, e.g. one needs quiet and routine, the other needs friends over to play/birthday parties/days out. You'd either need to divide them a lot by having 1 parent with each, or the NT dc is likely to miss out on a lot, but it would still interrupt the peace and there'd likely be tensions at home. We are coping pretty well with multiple children because they all are ASD and ASD is the main modus operandi in our family. We would probably struggle more if our dc were NT as we parents would struggle with playdates and lots of social situations/activity. Our dc do online school, so no school gate drama etc. Our house is always super quiet, we all have very, very sat routines, no family holidays, so there are rarely any meltdowns at all. DC are very independent because their routines include things like homework, music practice, making dinner (they only eat very specific foods that they need to prepare their way), so there is very little for us parents to do for them, which is great as DH works abroad a lot and very long hours and I work 4 days. DS and I are a bit more adventurous (ASD plus ADHD) so we sometimes go out together/on trips, but dh and dd prefer to stay at home.

Surely it just depends on what each individual feels they can cope with and if that's one for you, that's fine. I know a fantastic (now sadly single) mother of 4 kids, no. 3 of which has a life limiting genetic condition with severe disabilities. She copes amazingly and enjoys her children.
I also know parents of single (non SEN) children who really struggle and vowed never to have another.
Basically, you do you.

Family members of mine who had children with additional needs loved and focussed so much on their first and were amazing parents and they decided that they would like more children- they are still amazing with their first but also their other children. I think you just make it work, you sound like an amazing parent and the fact that's your first thought is how it will affect your DD shows you would be able to handle it. Good luck OP.

I think anyone who is considering having a child should put the life of the unborn child before the wants of the parent. My parents had me to look after my disabled older sibling when I grew up. The expectation on me was always that I was to be a carer from an early age. It was a really shitty thing to do to a child.

I already children before one of my children had a severe regression, they are now severely disabled. I always wanted one more and we decided to go ahead, although that decision wasn't made lightly. Our youngest is NT. Financially we are stable, I am fortunate to be a SAHM, but we have had a very, VERY rough few years with very little sleep and living in total survival mode. We have very recently turned a corner and are starting to see light at the end of the tunnel, but I wouldn't recommend having another child/ren if you aren't 100% prepared for another child equally or more disabled than DC1 because it is a very real possibility.

It's hard to know the right answer really. Think about the pros and cons. Might it be better to wait until she's in full time education at least so you have that time where it's just baby and you. Or is a smaller gap better? There's really no right answer but you just have to think what's best for your family.

I just wanted to say you're doing so well and the tears are OK and normal. It gets so much better but I can remember the first 6 months being an absoloute car crash. I thought I was one and done until I accidently got pregnant when my first was 18 months. The sheer panic I felt was horrendous and I didn't tell anyone until I was 4 months pregnant because I wasnt OK about it. However, my littlest is now 16 months old and it honestly was a dream second time round. We learn and we know how to navigate and what to expect. Like, waking up every 30 mins? This will pass. Constant crying for apparantly no reason? You learn the reasons.

Carry on and you're doing amazingly