To wonder how people have further children

[Dunnowhatimat]

I feel horrible in the way this may come across, but it's something I'm genuinely curious about and would like others' opinion, particularly those who did go on to have more children.
My DD almost 3 yrs old just got a diagnosis for autism. She's my 1st (and only atm) and I suspected something very early on but was told I was overthinking (I'm a worrier and tend to do this). She's a wonderful girl, I love her to bits, but she can be a lot of hard work and harder than NT children even younger than her.

I would love another child, I'm in mid 30s and would need to start planning soon, but I'm a bit worried in case I have another child with additional needs. Main reason for this is because I'm afraid of having to split my focus/time from my DD1. And I love her so much and want to do the best by her.
I also work FT and am the main income provider. I

I see many families who went on yo have one or multiple children after their 1st who were additional needs, aibu to ask how they do it - mentally, financially, physically ?!

OP my husband is similar. He’s a very hands on dad, but he can’t accept there’s anything wrong with our twins despite really obvious signs ( 19m and can’t get themselves to sitting etc) he just thinks they’ll ’catch up’ because there’s no solid diagnosis yet.

Some people struggle, he will accept in the end, and if he’s a hands on dad he will rise to the challenge.

it’s hard work, good luck ❤️

Only you know if you can take on another child.

When my eldest child was diagnosed with sen, I'd already had the next two. So I had no idea then it was genetic. I don't know any different. It's been hard but we have also had some wonderful times

This really depends on the type and severity of the autism. The generalising of the diagnosis these days can be misleading as experiences can be wildly different. Ds1 was very difficult particularly as a toddler and age 3 or 4 was still really intense but becoming manageable. He was 5 before I had another, which was a twin pregnancy. Ds1 was starting mainstream school and needed very little support, our biggest issue was managing behaviour and discipline at home, the kind of issues that are not obvious when out and about most of the time. One of the twins also has autism, diagnosed Aspergers and was a gorgeous little baby and toddler. His needs were much more emotional. Both are very high functioning and we have a much more difficult time than NT families, but nothing as difficult as many SEN families. The ND adds a layer of complications and stress but doesn't really impinge on what we do day or day or in terms of going on holidays or getting sitters etc.

Stick to 1 or at least wait until dc is in school. It won't get easier for her just different and the transitions/moving up a stage can be positively brutal. Once you've had an ASD child your chances of another are increased. Could you cope with a profoundly affected child and your DD? If the answer is no I wouldn't do it.

Our eldest DC is ASD, 11 and absolutely thriving at high school. We know that we are very lucky with him - he is mainstream educated, genius level intelligent and in the school play (youngest child they've ever had in the main cast). He's amazing at coping and regulating himself - NOW. It wasn't always the case!!
We had DC2 before we knew DC1 was ASD - there is only just 2 years between them. The years between 2-8 were pretty horrific at times with 6 hour meltdowns, violence, DC2 being terrified of all the shouting and deregulated behaviour etc. DC2 is NT.
We eventually got DC1 diagnosis when he was 9 and had to go private. School were rubbish with SEN and told us that he couldn't possibly be ASD because of how intelligent he is, how sociable etc. it was total cr*p - he scored high on the tests and has social/emotional difficulties. School tried to suggest he was badly behaved and made us feel like bad parents!
Now for the positives.
DC2 is the most caring, loving and amazing child with other kids. He is full of mischief and sass - and wonderful at school. One of his best friends is ASD and he is amazing with him. DC1 & DC2 are the best of friends (and the worst of enemies - brothers!!) and a joy to be around.
I decided not to have another child (at the time) because of how hard pregnancy was on me and the risks of another ASD child, especially with different presentation. We have just adopted our 3rd DC and my boys are absolutely amazing with her - she has no indications of ASD or anything else, but there is a lot of uncertainty with her. We feel able to cope with anything now after DC1 - he is a source of endless pride and love for us. We always wanted a DD but decided to do it a different way.
Big hugs OP's with ASD children - it is really hard but there are some good stories out there xxxxx

My DH was the same for many years.

I will say for balance, that after the first 5 years being hell on earth (triggering MH issues for me) it has got easier. But family time can still be quite lonely because we spend our free time apart. My children can become quite resentful of the attention that DSS gets. But because they are now older, they need less hands on support and understand they need to stay away from DSS when he’s displaying challenging behaviour.

When this all started to unfold, when DS1 was around 2-3ish my DH was convinced our joint children would learn to display huge amounts of empathy and forgive all the challenges DSS presents like he does. I always thought he was unrealistic as that’s an adult level of compassion he has - not a child’s. They don’t and it’s quite sad because our children openly get upset about DSS - my eldest says “he hurts me and breaks my toys so I don’t want him here” which to be fair, is pretty accurate. Whether or not it’s DSS’ fault.

Our children are lucky really, DSS gets alot of respite support so they do spend time apart. I’m amazed at the provision he receives vs other children - but it did have to reach crisis. Including hospitalising two siblings (not at the same time).

I just wanted to say that it’s very very hard but it does get easier and I’m sure when my children are even older it will get easier again.

Personally I think this is a big part of the issue. 💐

Would your DC be diagnosed as special needs 30 years ago? Or just difficult/ eccentric child.

Might your specialist preschool help sufficiently that your dd behaves more within normal range as she grows?

If it was me I would be tempted to have two more so I have experience of normal family life eg DC having friends, getting married, grandchildren

Yes further DC might have difficulties but they could have issues anyway today in UK eg families struggling for food, parent being deported, being evicted and moving far from school etc etc

I think in China parents were sometimes given exemption from one child policy if first had severe special needs

Ds1 has adhd and pda. Extremely difficult to parent as a child up to age about 14 when he started to settle down a bit. Went to university and is now working and coping well. Still has struggles, but is managing them. Travels and has friends. Gets very good reports at work. Earning well and lives in shared accomodation in London.

We decided to have another when ds1 was five. He has autism (Asperger's) and was very badly bullied at school. Had to withdraw him in year 7 and homeschool. Big struggles with anxiety and making friends. Currently at university in the local city so we can support him. He doesn't tell us a great deal, but we think he's coping. He's a very complex person and I don't really feel that I know him any longer. He doesn't appear to enjoy his life and has been suicidal in the past. It's a constant worry, but he has to be given a chance at university. Don't know what sort of job he'll be able to do in the future even though he's very intelligent. Has ehlers danlos and gets very tired as well.

I feel constantly guilty for having ds2 as he just seems to find life an intolerable struggle and I fear it won't end well. I just hope he finds his way after university.

I did accidentally become pregnant with a third at age 40 but thankfully the pregnancy didn't progress as I'd never have coped. My health is poor now. The worry and stress of the kids will likely finish me off early. I have autism and adhd too, so not great.

I have 4 children. It took over 5 years for my oldest daughter to be diagnosed with autism from referral which I had to fight for as she masks. Earlier issues with her and her brother we're put down to them being twins by the health visitor. I kept getting told having twins was hard and people talk about their kids having meltdowns so I assumed what I was dealing with was normal and it was always like this. ( I'm also neurodivergent ). By the point of diagnosis they were all born. I ended up going private for the others as ds1 had been on a waiting list for 3 years and had not even screened.
All 4 are high functioning autistic, and the youngest is probably ADHD as well ( on a waiting list for a diagnosis on the nhs - been 3 years now ).
I love them all to pieces but it is hard. Their dad ( who is also likely autistic) isn't involved at all and support is minimal. They are all in mainstream school and mask at school - which means I get the meltdowns at home. They can last hours and one having one can trigger the others. All are high functioning but struggle with emotional regulation. All are different - my two boys more typical autistic, tho the youngest has no social anxiety. He's a runner and needs a wrist strap on to go out. Theo others are more anxious.
The older two are reaching teenage years and it's getting harder as they have the mood swings and teenage angst as well as the autistic dysregulation. My youngest has led to me being in hospital by damaging my jaw during a meltdown..I have broken doors and furniture caused by their meltdowns. I worry that someone is going to end up very hurt, despite my mantras since they were little of no hitting, no kicking, no biting, no hurting people including yourself.
I love my kids very much but it is hard. We do not have a normal life and outside work and them I have nothing for me. I am off work at the moment with cancer having had chemo and immunotherapy and have surgery to come. They are not coping well with that and especially my older son seems to blame me for being ill.
I would say if you don't think you could deal with a second also having asd and don't really want another don't do it. And certainly in my family while all are autistic it is more obvious in the boys and their ability to mask is less.
I don't think I would change things with mine , I really wanted them ( they are actually IVF babies ) but it is hard work.
Hugs to everyone

We didn’t know before getting pregnant again. Had I of known, I wouldn’t have had any more

There are 2 years between my DC. I knew DD1 was a high needs baby but did not know she was autistic. DD2 is NT and was a very easy going baby.

I can't now imagine life without DD2. Would she choose to be born knowing what she knows now? I hope so.

It is really hard though. We had planned to have 3 DC but I knew I would not cope whether the third was NT or not.

I have 4 children and had the younger 3 close together and before my eldest was diagnosed. Like a pp all my concerns about him were initially brushed off by his school and even by my husband.

I eventually had him assessed privately and he was diagnosed with ADHD and ODD. He masks very well at school but our home life can be like a warzone. He is extremely difficult to manage, disrespectful etc. He used to have violent outbursts but this has calmed down as he's aged thankfully.

I don't regret having my younger children but I'm very lucky they don't also have additional needs. I would really struggle with more then one ND child. It really is a roll of the dice and not a risk a lot of people would take.

The question I asked myself before trying for #2:
Is having another child in the best interests of my existing DC?

Didn't got for #3 despite my own desires, because the answer was no.

I always wanted two DC, after a difficult pregnancy and birth I decided against doing it again, sort of changed my mind but then medical stuff happened that meant I was advised against it until it was resolved.

I do feel sad sometimes, but also relieved as having another child in the mix with DS would be so difficult. DS was diagnosed with ASD last year, though we already knew for a year at that point, and I'd been raising concerns with the school about how he was doing socially since reception. I don't think DS would manage well with a sibling and I don't think the amount of time and attention we have to give DS would be fair either - and that's without the violent meltdowns which I wouldn't want any other child to be involved in.

My godson is nonverbal with an ASD diagnosis. His parents had another child when he was 9. At that point, he was settled in school and well supported. Home life was consistent. Most importantly, they'd been on the same page about their son and navigated all the difficulties as a team. They're not rich but have stable jobs and were managing childcare around said jobs.

They had another baby. My godson has adapted just fine. There has been a few hiccups like there is with all siblings but it hasn't been like it could have been. Toddler is 1.5yrs now. They muck along fine and have a nice attachment to each other.

Honestly I would be so scared about who will look after that child when mum gets old or dies. Must be a hell of a worry.

My dc are all fairly close in age (5 dc with 8 years between oldest and youngest).

Dc1 wasn't showing any symptoms when I got pregnant with dc2.

Dc1 had been assessed for autism and we were told he didn't have it, dc2 had physical disabilities that we were assured he would grow out of when I got pregnant with dc3.

We thought Dc1 was autistic but the professionals all told me he wasn't, dc2 was starting to show signs of mild sensory issues and dc3 had no symptoms when I got pregnant with dc4.

Dc5 was unplanned.

Now they are aged between 18 and 10. Dc1, Dc2, Dc3 and Dc5 have autism. Dc3 also has adhd. Dc4 has moderate learning disabilities, dyspraxia and hearing loss.

There is a strong genetic link to autism. A lot of the families I know (not all) have realised while getting diagnoses for their children that they and/or their wider family members often are too. Also, undiagnosed parents often refuse to recognise because it was normal for them growing up. There is a strong chance that you, your partner, or both, passed the genetics down and therefore could again. Could you cope with another autistic child, particularly if their needs are greater?

I always knew that ds1 was different, but not really why. He loved preschool and we didn't have any doubts about having a second. School presented a lot more challenges, so he struggled. Ds2's needs were disguised to a certain extent by covid lockdowns, but it became increasingly clear that he has higher support needs. He also doesn't fit the criteria for education, because he is behind mainstream abilities, bit hugely ahead on his special interest, so would've fit with a special school either. Cobbling together a suitable education is a lot more effort that sending him to a school each day.

It will get better. Nine weeks is still SO new. I’d recommend speaking to your GP about postnatal depression but I really promise that you will come through this phase soon. Look after yourself.

I thought I wanted 2 or three but I suffered a lot of complications and poor health post-birth and I decided I wasn't strong enough in any capacity to do it again. My DBs partner had 2 difficult births, and I have nothing but admiration for her. She wasn't put off after the first unlike me.

First two had no additional needs, eldest only just recently assessed by CAMHS close to mid teens at the time...

In the earlier years, I had time and patience and nothing was outstanding health wise with my eldest...so we had two more DC....third born didn't start having problems once I was pregnant with DC4....like many others on here I was already expecting by the time additional needs were starting to become apparent with one of the DC. These things happen. @Newsenmum

I would love a second, especially if they were like the first. DC is 6 and an absolute delight - gentle, loving, cooperative, no behavioural challenges. Everyone who meets him falls in love.

However, I have to be remind myself that it is very likely because he has our full time/attention/finances (which pay for the private therapies etc) that he is the way he is.

3 children, one has autism and a learning disability I am knackered 😴