To wonder how people have further children

[Dunnowhatimat]

I feel horrible in the way this may come across, but it's something I'm genuinely curious about and would like others' opinion, particularly those who did go on to have more children.
My DD almost 3 yrs old just got a diagnosis for autism. She's my 1st (and only atm) and I suspected something very early on but was told I was overthinking (I'm a worrier and tend to do this). She's a wonderful girl, I love her to bits, but she can be a lot of hard work and harder than NT children even younger than her.

I would love another child, I'm in mid 30s and would need to start planning soon, but I'm a bit worried in case I have another child with additional needs. Main reason for this is because I'm afraid of having to split my focus/time from my DD1. And I love her so much and want to do the best by her.
I also work FT and am the main income provider. I

I see many families who went on yo have one or multiple children after their 1st who were additional needs, aibu to ask how they do it - mentally, financially, physically ?!

As only child here, there is absolutely nothing wrong with it and your child would benefit from your undivided attention.

You’re in the trenches, it changes so quickly and they need you a little less every day and you’ll get yourself back. You’ll be different in many ways but certainly will feel so much better, just hang in there and talk about it whenever you need to

I wasn’t a natural with my baby - for the first few months I didn’t feel like her mother, I felt no connection. I knew I cared for her and would not let any harm come to her but it was hard work and relentless.
She’s now a 15 year old beauty, studying for her GCSEs and I love her more than anything (well equal to her twin brother and sister!). Second time round, I found the baby stage easier - and that was with 2!
I really believe that if you do go for a second it will be much easier second time round. 9 weeks is still so little, once they get bigger I found it easier - even if they didn’t stay put anymore. I am still useless with little babies and never go for hugs with them as I just don’t feel that way about them. That’s the great thing about newborns - they grow! Wishing you all the best. x

I wonder how anyone goes past 2 even without additional needs. I have 3 (not planned, second pregnancy was twins) and I struggle to give them all the time I would like to. One of mine does have some additional needs, and it does cause extra stress, but I still feel 3 would be tough even without my son’s needs.

Mine are spaced out, that's why it's doable.

17, 14, 9 and 7.

Thanks to everyone who contributed, much appreciated 😊

Just do it. It’s common now for everyone to overthink everything. But our birthrate is falling, you don’t know that your child will be ND and also, how much joy a second ND child might also bring you. It’s all hard. Life is hard. But it has beautiful moments also. I say this as ‘only’ child and parent of 2 ND kids (not severe + no support).

Nine weeks is early days. It gets better and you also adjust. At this point you can concentrate on you and DC, feeding as and when needed (if breastfed, on demand keeps the milk flowing) and sleeping when DC sleeps (impossible with second btw but it matters less, then). Housework, cooking etc can take a very distant second place (I remember advice was to dust the piece of furniture people noticed, so kept my chaise longue polished - that was it). Get DP to buy ready meals on supermarket shop, or do it online, and those will be fine. Also, when you have time and are wanting to be awake do a bit of batch cooking of easy things like caseroles, so there is always something to heat up for dinner. Go out for walks with DC. If you are feeling depressed talk to GP or Health Visitor - it's not necessarily normal to feel weepy for weeks and you may need help and counselling.

Good luck and enjoy DC. The second one is much more fun as you are not worrying about dropping it on its head, feeding it the wrong stuff or all the things you worry about first time round.

My 2nd NT child is so much more difficult to parent than our first, autistic child. First child is quiet, very well-behaved and will listen to us and tidy up after himself. Always been a fantastic sleeper. Second child won't listen, constantly on the go, hates sleeping in his own bed and is very messy (although both still very young, not yet school age).
We quite happily had our second assuming he would be just as easygoing as the first! We were so wrong, but we still wouldn't change anything. Two is enough for us though, we had always considered having three, but we very much have our hands full with 2, work and life in general.

I feel for you but promise it gets easier.
I was exactly the same. I had no idea what having a baby would be like and I didn't cope well. There was no internet then which was a good and bad thing. people kept telling me it would be easier in a week, or six weeks, or 3 months. All that meant was that I looked at those as deadlines and when it wasn't easier I sunk into despair. I didn't get any help.
It did finally get easier though it was probably a year before it was noticeable.
DS had severe reflux which lasted until he walked, that didn't help.
I then had another baby and second time round it was so different. The two babies were the same but I was different.

Yep....

This is such a tough one to answer. My first DD has ASD & ADHD that is now almost 30 and so when she was a child it wasn’t really as well known about and so she has only recently been diagnosed in the last few years and as it turns out I have too! I found her childhood extremely difficult! I really didn’t know which way to turn however having separated from her father and met somebody else I did go and have another child who is NT but there was a huge 12 year age gap. I really don’t think I would have been able to cope with two children of similar ages if they were both ND as it is emotionally and physically exhausting. I think you’re very sensible to consider this before going to have more children . I think it very much depends on if you have any outside help and how you cope as a family unit. What does your DH think?

Can I ask how your daughter is now? My 3 year old daughter is ASD (and almost certainly ADHD too, but they won't diagnose until she's in school). I'd like to know if there's some light at the end of the tunnel.

Not good, I’m afraid. She cannot control her emotions at all and actually has been violent towards me quite recently. To be honest, I find it terrifying as she’s bigger than me but I know the presentation can be quite different from one person to another so it doesn’t follow that your, daughter will be the same.

I'm really sorry to hear that. Thanks.

Not quite the same but friends had a baby with a heart defect. He was going to need lots of attention growing up. They decided not too have any more children because they wouldn't be able to give the subsequent child as much attention as they should.