To wonder how people have further children

[Dunnowhatimat]

I feel horrible in the way this may come across, but it's something I'm genuinely curious about and would like others' opinion, particularly those who did go on to have more children.
My DD almost 3 yrs old just got a diagnosis for autism. She's my 1st (and only atm) and I suspected something very early on but was told I was overthinking (I'm a worrier and tend to do this). She's a wonderful girl, I love her to bits, but she can be a lot of hard work and harder than NT children even younger than her.

I would love another child, I'm in mid 30s and would need to start planning soon, but I'm a bit worried in case I have another child with additional needs. Main reason for this is because I'm afraid of having to split my focus/time from my DD1. And I love her so much and want to do the best by her.
I also work FT and am the main income provider. I

I see many families who went on yo have one or multiple children after their 1st who were additional needs, aibu to ask how they do it - mentally, financially, physically ?!

DC was diagnosed autistic as a toddler. We decided no more as 1. Risk of another autistic child with differing needs and 2. The impact of a second child on our resources for existing autistic DC (time, energy, attention, finances)

I’m sorry to hear that. I know, I work in a school and Sen provision makes my blood boil. It’s desperately unfair.

Stick to one. Honestly. I have four DC, three have additional needs out of four. Don't risk it.

It's a major reason we're only having one child. We're fortunate that - as far as we currently know - our DS is neurotypical and doesn't have any other health needs. But parenting just him is challenging enough at times. We were prepared for and able to cope with our first child if they'd had additional needs as we just wouldn't have had another. But rolling the dice again and risking our next child having life impacting additional needs is just a gamble I don't consider worth it. I would never forgive myself if we upended DS's life and my ability to be a good parent.

I work with families facing disabilities, mental health concerns and neurodiversity and I just can't imagine dealing with those things myself.

Had I known then what I know now I would have stuck with one DC. Very sensible poster here. I am sorry also for everyone else in the SEN battle in family life. Its tough, it really is🤗

I think the honest answer is you don’t know how your ND child will turn out and hope for the best. You don’t have a crystal ball.

My DSShas quite complex SN but he wasn’t all that challenging to care for when he was young and seemed to be developing well.

So we considered it at length and had more kids thinking it would be fine and he’d love his sibling’s and benefit from them. Only after our children were born did we find his needs and challenges took a different trajectory and it’s been much harder than we could have ever imagined. We have to keep them separate probably 90% of the time and unfortunately he does and will hurt them (and adults) given the opportunity.

But lots of people get along fine because their kids have different needs.

Some (lots of my friends actually) have children so close together they weren't fully aware of first child's SEN until they were already pregnant again. Most of those families (including my own) stopped at 2 even if they would have really liked 3rd.

In the family we have parents with two severely autistic children. Both completely opposing needs (sensory seeking/sensory avoidant). They were aware something wasn't 'right' with dc1 when they had dc2. Both now nonverbal and not toilet trained and teenagers. Very very hard life.
My advice if you want to have a 2nd is wait until you've got more of a sense of DC1s needs.

I have 19m old twins who have developmental delay, cause currently unknown and therefore severity unknown.
They have a huge gross motor delay, have no words yet and their understanding is limited.
I suspect at a minimum they have something like cerebral palsy, we are on the list for mris to find out more.

I wouldn’t choose to have another until I know what’s going on more clearly with them, life is hard enough and they need a lot of time and support as it is, I personally don’t feel I’d be able to offer enough to another.

It’s maybe a little different with twins, as I already have two. Maybe if it was one child I’d feel able to deal with another, it’s hard to say! I think it’s quite a personal thing, you need to know your own limits.

My boys are the happiest little things, they bring me so much joy. I’d love a third if I ever feel able.

Even then nothing is guaranteed. My DSS was 8 and he suffered a huge regression which nobody can explain.

I'm so sorry. One of the DC referenced regressed at 3 which was very hard. At 8 that is purely traumatic.

I had a challenging time with dd1 and was never sure I'd feel ready for another. She's not autistic but does have some ADHD tendencies and can be hard to deal with. Anyway got pregnant with dd2 without really trying and along she came. Much easier baby, fitted in and now she's a lovely 7 year old. The 2 of them together are good for each other and as much as they bicker they wouldn't be without each other even with a 4yr gap.

Don't cry - there are many worse things than being an only child. Lots of us survive perfectly happily (speaking as an only child myself, with an only daughter and hardly any extended family). If you are crying every day at 9 weeks into motherhood you must mention it to your health visitor or GP. You may have post partum depression which is colouring your view of life right now, but it is treatable. There is no hurry at all to make any decisions about future children at the moment - wait until you feel better, and meantime give your energy to your little baby.

My DS (4) was recently diagnosed with autism. It's always been hard, and all we've ever known. All of our friends who had a baby the same time our DS was born have gone on to have another 1. Everyone except us. Because I can't face it. I know we wouldn't cope. We barely cope now. Thankfully we are overseas with access to support. DS is verbal, toilet trained and in mainstream school for now but he only started in September. Financially we can't risk having a second because we don't know if DS will at some point need additional support in school and here they double the fees. Our main problem is that DS can be very aggressive towards us and I don't think I could cope with pregnancy and physically trying to manage him. He is very rigid/inflexible in his behaviour. Today for example I went out with my parents for Sunday Lunch and ended up eating on my own outside with son because he could not cope with being inside. He has some sensory issues also. I think he will struggle socially and I find as he gets older the more obvious it becomes that he's different to his peers. I feel really sad about not having more kids but that's life. I try to reframe it and I think how lucky I am to have my son. But I find it hard being around friends with NT kids because it highlights how different my son is. Even the simplest tasks - leaving the house, getting dressed, eating, washing, feel impossible for us.

A relative had a second after an asd first child. They certainly had no regrets. Both worked full time, almost no family support as they lived far away. I'm sure it was challenging but they coped fine.

It is so hard OP. From all of the thoughtful and honest replies, it is clear that it really is impossible to know what life will bring.
My DH (55) and I (35) have a little girl who is nearly two and an absolute joy but parenting is hard work and our resources (time, money, space) are not limitless. I would love to have another baby and to give my DD a sibling, but I don't want to roll the dice again. I feel so blessed and so lucky and I don't want to risk what we have and most importantly, I don't want to risk the childhood my DD could have.
That is just me personally. There is no right or wrong. I hope that whatever you choose you find happiness, OP.

DS was diagnosed autistic at age 3 and that is the reason I stopped at one. His AN already take everything I’ve got.

I personally would not be brave enough to have another with one neurodiverse child I admire those that do but I know I wouldn't cope and the thought of it sends me into sheer panic and isn't fair on anyone . I think every situation is different and we can all cope with different thing different levels etc
I just could not take the chance

I had no choice it was twins! I’m not sure I would have gone for number 2 otherwise, even though that was the plan, unless 1 newborn baby is really 100 times easier than 2!

Does it not feel worth it still? How come
you had 4?

Sounds very similar to mine and he still isn’t doing full days at school. I find it so hard seeing NT families but it’s also why I wanted a second.

My sister has a child with autism, severe enough (if that the right word) that she goes to a special school and will never live independently. She wasn't with the father when the child was born and he has no contact with them now, but I don't think she'd have had another. She has a friend with two boys at the school - very very difficult for the family.
It's a gamble, and I think if you decide she's the one then you can devote more time. Even if you had an NT child next your time will be divided.

Well, that's a whole other story. He would want another child, would be hands-on but it is the sort of situation where ultimately everything relies on me eg he still doesn't fully accept DD is ND, was 1 of those people in my life telling me I'm overthinking etc, it's me who has gotten her support, a place in a specialised preschool, looked into financial support (along with being the main provider). He's very 'laid back' to the extent it's almost a hindrance.

My eldest is neurotypical and a complete breeze compared to my younger two. My third wasn't planned and there's only 13 months between my second and third. If I'd had either of those two first, I wouldn't have had any more.

The younger two have a different dad to my eldest and it can be genetic. If I'd had enough time to discover how difficult my second would be, not a chance would I have had a third because I'd have known that the risk was higher.

I've had many tough years with them but the younger two are so close that they lean on each other and it's beautiful. I'm also coming out of the worst of it with them but I wouldn't recommend this path to anyone. Nothing is normal. I have spent many days battling with the council, teachers, calling drs, never-ending assessments and waiting lists, home-educating at times...I could go on. I'm completely frazzled and however much I do, at the end of it, I still feel like I've not done enough for them and I've let them down.

I feel guilt towards my eldest as my attention is always being demanded from them. He also struggles to cope with their behaviours.
However, there is a lot of love in here and I couldn't wish for better kids. It's just hard.

If I were you, stick at one so that you can give her all that she needs because it's going to be a lot.

Thank you all very much for your honesty and support, it is very much appreciated.
I know in my heart I want another DC (I always envisioned having 3 but 2 is realistically the maximum now, if even). I think it probably is best to wait a couple of years to see how DD gets on. It's hard - on one hand I think it's best to wait, on the other u constantly have people your ear saying not to wait too long to have a second so they can grow up together, along with a constant reminder that time is ticking and the later you leave it the more risk it is/harder etc etc. I still can't come to terms with the fact that I'm closer to 40 than 30, brain still thinks I'm in my 20s 😂