AIBU to feel attacked by other women?

[CareerChange24]

Over the course of the last 18months have lost five stone. Due to the weight though, I have very bad stretch marks. Not too bad on my arms. But my legs, bum and stomach and hips are covered. I wasn’t too affected by them as I just thought. Loads of women have them.

But, I went for laser hair removal - the woman looked at me and said you haven’t had a baby have you? You have lots of stretch marks. I said,’ohhh are they really bad?’ Rather hurt and taken aback. And she replied,”I’ve never seen them all over someone like that before. But I guess not bad.”

I was so hurt and scared of more comments I stopped having massages and hair removal. But I was having issues with my back so went to a physio. Never in a million years did I think they would comment on them. She said, “your back is covered in stretch marks. That would suggest you are hyper mobile. Which causes joint issues.” This was after examining me aswell. Stupidly, in my vulnerability I asked did she know of any way I could remove the stretch marks. How would a physio know that? But I did. And she said. You could have them surgically removed. But that would leave a scar.

I was just beyond hurt. She’s not even seen my stomach and legs and she thought they were bad enough to suggest surgically removing them.

I feel critiqued by these women and really deeply hurt. My self worth and loathing is terrible and my confidence shattered. Aibu?

I was just beyond hurt. She’s not even seen my stomach and legs and she thought they were bad enough to suggest surgically removing them

No. She commented because she thought it likely that you have a condition and should look into it.

The first situation is just plain rude. How dare she comment on your body.

The physio seems different to me. She was using the marks to make a diagnosis about you. You then asked further questions and she answered.

Well done on the weight loss, your marks show that you've achieved something many cannot. A friend of mine has similar marks and had the outline of each one tattooed in bright colours. That may not be for you but the effect is stunning.

I agree with PP that the beauty therapist should have kept her thoughts to herself. It was rude of her to mention it. I have a similar situation with a large lipoma on my back which all and sundry seem to want to mention but hey ho. Your physio replied to an enquiry from you so not attacking you in any way. Also, she’s right in terms of hypermobility and EDS so you may want to get that checked. Wow though … 5st weight loss is impressive. Well done. Stretch marks fade eventually and if I were you I’d be bloody telling everyone.

The first example, I think unnecessary of person to comment. The second example it was mentioned due to the possibility it was a medical condition causing it she needed to know about. You also asked if possible to remove the stretch marks and she answered a direct question, so no that was not rude of her.

You shouldn’t have to explain your weight loss to anyone but if you had said about your large weight loss the conversation would have very quickly turned onto what an amazing achievement that is. Obviously it is then assumed the weight loss was a welcome one and maybe it happened for a medical reason so it’s all very dangerous territory which is why it’s best not to comment on people’s appearance full stop.

I understand OP. For the record I once had a breast examination in hospital due to a cyst and was asked if breasts were naturally such different sizes or if this was cyst related. I was mortified as my friend was there with me at the time but I understand the lady had to ask. Just not a nice conversation to have - they’ve just naturally grown to visibly different sizes. No one is perfect. Try to move on from these chats x

No I'm not buying this.

OP, I'm going to make a huge generalisation here and this is very scathing of me.... I find a large proportion of women working in the beauty industry ( lasers etc) can be quite dim. So speak before think. Nonsense like ' drink plenty of water as the toxins leave your body after that face massage' etc etc. No that is just unscientific nonsense.

I would not dare to present any part of my flangipan area to anyone doing a wax etc because I can imagine the mentality and nonsense that I'd be presented with. I would also imagine a certain type of mentality to something they saw as aesthetically unpleasing. I'm getting older now so it puts me in that category where I wouldn't go near these places.

With the physio. It's very tactless and unprofessional. If I were working in a profession where you do require a greater level of intelligence then I'd know enough to not say that. Instead - are you hypermobile? I notice you are very flexible here and here. No need to be so tactless at all.

Try not be too hurt. So many people just don't think. It's more, open mouth,speak, before engaging brain. If we're dealing with limited braincells where there is a huge emphasis on filling and botoxing as part of that service, you're going to get alot of people with no tact either.

The first one was a bit rude.

But the Physio was making a professional observation about the stretch marks FOR YOUR BENEFIT, at that point she was commenting about a potential medical issue that you might need to get checked out. She only mentioned surgery AFTER you directly asked about how they could be removed.

And for the physio - she's wrong ref stretch marks. I have EDS. The consensus is that you often don't get stretch marks as much because your defective collagen makes your skin hyper elastic and less liable to tear. The focus needs be on hyper mobility of body parts before it does stretch marks. My lack of stretch marks was noted during assessment with an actual expert. Got super thin sagger skin though to make up for that one 😁

Appreciate that doesn't really matter in this situation. I don't think she was being cruel, just not engaging brain, not tactful and id feel vulnerable after that. It's understandable how you feel OP.

It's worth planning in advance how you might want to respond to people like this going forward so you don't feel so knocked it if happens again.

It's worth planning in advance how you might want to respond to people like this going forward

Good advice. I'd suggest "Are you having a bad day, or are you always so RUDE and UNPROFESSIONAL?"

I once stormed out when a beauty therapist made a similar comment - not stretch marks in my case, but she said in horrified tones "I've never seen it that bad!" She got the sack and I'm not sorry.

Thank you for understanding. I get why people are saying I asked the physio. But it was a moment of vulnerability, the thought of, wow didn’t realise they stood out a mile. To suggest surgery just seemed extreme and I guess I feel my body looks horrific to fellow women. It has put me in the position where I’m so scared of further comments that I have ignored smear tests requests, missing out on spa trips…countless, because I’m scared that one more comment may just knock me entirely. Also, yes a physio worth their salt would know lacks of stretch marks is a bigger indicator of eds and my stretch marks are completely unrelated to my back issue. I think that’s why I wasn’t expecting the comment.

I guess i am shocked by how little people think before they speak. I wouldn’t have dreamed of blurting out their flaws. I was brought up with the mentality of if someone’s asks if they look fat. Lie. Or say nothing.

I really wish they had said nothing. It’s surprising how a few comments can damage a grown woman’s view of herself. And there is nothing I can do to remove them. They have gone white and I’m stuck with them.

You cannot believe that someone would be so rude and thoughtless though can you. I wouldn’t have been sorry either. I was so taken aback though I was speechless and retreated into myself.

@Garlicbest it's just not ok, good for you.

I'm now old enough and have bigger fish to fry that I couldn't give a shit. But I struggle with the lack of intellectual bandwidth these people have and to then think it's ok to say these things to vulnerable women. If someone is 16 and fresh out of training I'd handle it delicately but still, most know better even at 16.

I wonder how many of them are just used to being so critical of appearance due to the line of work they're in, especially if they're in the business of injecting a load of shit into women's faces, or even worse, their backsides, and then killing them in the process. Brainless.

I'm ranting. 🤣

I would presume the first was trying to unsellable something and they second to help

I don't choose to let other people's comments upset me, sure it may be rude if I looked deeply enough but I figure they have reasons and move on

I don't have to turn into a drama

I wouldn't take any of it seriously given their line of work! I've had beauty therapists say all sorts of weird shit to me, at which I've left.

"Your lips are quite thin, have you ever thought of doing lip fillers?" No, I'm here for a brow tint and my lips are fine thanks.

"Your skin is so pale! Oh wow, little miss vampire." - Yeah, I'm Irish. Now please thread my brows and pack it in.

Boyfriends who've seen my puberty stretchmarks; "the fuck are they?!" ....nothing you're going to see further, put your dick back in your pants and get out.

People say shit and it's ridiculous. The physio sounds majorly misinformed, even ifnshe was trying to help it was a bad way of going about it. I don't blame you for feeling vulnerable.

Sod them, OP. There are some people who's mouths move before their brains can catch up, or they're trying to sell you something.

Oof, double post for some reason.

It’s definitely better to deal with things in the moment. Maybe I wouldn’t be wide awake dwelling if I didn’t let things bubble inside of me. Good for you for telling her that is simply unacceptable.

I also struggle to see how some people’s brains function and think the best way to navigate a situation is to open their mouths and say dumb shit. I don’t think it’s related solely to women in the beauty industry. I’ve met many who are extremely professional and make you feel a facial has knocked ten years off you. I think societal pressure as a whole has meant we as women in general, are highly critical of one another.

I know I shouldn’t have asked but the solution is surgery. Surgery? And getting shamed for not being a mother but having stretch marks. And not just a few. But the dismay at “all over.”

The woman who did my laser hair removal was actually I’d guess 50’s. So should have known better. And then as her clinic does all different treatments. Said I could have them microneedled or lasered away. A course of three for £1200 and I could be blemish free she made it seem.

OP, you may have noticed that only on MN can you be told you are wrong to feel the way you do and to have your reality invalidated or be gaslit into insanity.

Your feelings are entirely valid, entirely! You are struggling with this alot right now and have encountered a pair of morons. The physio is a moron. Go with your instincts. If you need a physio still, go find another one.

I'd never dream of pulling that one if I were a professional physio. It's an illogical and very inaccurate reflection she's made regards stretch marks =EDS. That's enough for me to question her

The issue is finding a way to be comfortable within your skin. Your vulnerability and upset is palpable. That's how you feel and it's not for you to apologise for that. Is there a way to work on that though? I think working on protecting yourself by setting boundaries with people, prepare how to respond to anyone who oversteps those boundaries will actually help you feel better about your body and your stretch marks. For example,boundary 1 - laser beautician is an absolute moron, so to care for myself, I won't go there again. Boundary 2 - physio is not well versed in what she's preaching, she's tactless and makes me feel uncomfortable. I won't see her again.

Next boundary for yourself - anywhere you go where anyone critiques or inappropriately mentions your stretch marks, have a response prepared. Don't invite any further discussion or invite snake oil salesmen to try take advantage of you and your intelligence. Shut these people down.

Be proud of yourself for all you've achieved!

It’s a bit off hair removal lady commented on them, I expect she was just thoughtless. The physio however was linking the dots to help you understand your body. The operation was probably a thoughtless comment because a physio is likely to have no real knowledge of how to ease stretch marks.

i think you should try to look at the stretch marks differently, see them as badges of honour, signifying your amazing hard work and determination. I see my birthing scars this way and feel acceptance.

Yeah. I have endometriosis. The amount of women who ask me if I am pregnant (or simply assume that I am) and are rude enough to say it out loud in front of other people js honestly astounding.

I swear to god, it puts me off going out for fear that someone will ask/say it.

And I’m sorry but it’s always women. I don’t think a man has ever done this to me.

Again, thank you for your understanding and kindness. You clearly give insightful, great advice. Setting boundaries for myself would be better than completely hiding my body away forever. Learning and planning how to respond in the event is a really good idea. I can’t let this hold me back.

I guess I’ve even gaslit myself into thinking I’m being over dramatic. It’s permeated and infiltrated my mind though. I was watching a film - all I’m looking at is ohhh she’s completely stretch mark free. I see photos of holidays or ad’s of women with little on. Ohhh. They don’t look like me. A pp commented they don’t turn comments into “dramas.” I think people revel and get enjoyment out of creating drama. This is a drama I could have done without on my mind. I’ve come so far. To hate myself after?

I thought I’d see a physio before bothering my gp. But the physio said I must see a gp to look into eds. The gp scoffed at her and said she was completely off the mark and that I wasn’t even that mobile or flexible! My gp said the problem with private physio’s is they are actually less regulated than nhs ones. She spotted straight away a physio shouldn’t be touching me as I had a compressed nerve. I ended up having spinal surgery which cured me. Forever grateful.

The trouble with beauty therapists is that you have no idea what you're going to get. I don't think I've been back to one since I got a tactless comment, the services are non-essential and it's offputting being in a situation with someone who is rude and has no filter - or in my case, I think, wanted to embarrass me as I ignored her upselling of crap I didn't need. You are not being unreasonable.

I’ve found men to care wayyyyy way less than women and if they have thought it. To know better than to voice it.

Im not happy but it’s nice to hear that other women feel like me due to these kind of comments. That I’m not crazy!

I think we have become so obsessed by what we consider flaws and are a nation of “fixing” the problem with liposuction. Filler. Whatever the “issue” is. The condition you have affects so many women and is so completely normal that I wouldn’t honestly notice.

A man recently said to me. It’s honestly nice to see a face that hasn’t been filled and blown up lips. It made me feel a little bit of pride back that some men actually appreciate that.

the woman doing hair removal is likely not that educated, she hardly has a medical degree - she's not concerned about medical conditions, she is just stupid and hasn't seen stretch marks like this before and doesn't have the empathy to not "react".

That aside, well done for losing 5 stone, that's some achievement. I hope you feel great.

They definitely don’t like when you don’t listen to their sales pitches. I’m sorry she did it on purpose. That’s extremely cruel and an awful feeling, right?

The thing is, if they didn’t try so hard to tell me what I “needed”, I’d go back willingly as I’m a girl who loves a pamper! But to point out things is unnecessary and beyond uncomfortable so they have lost my regular custom. I went for fortnightly massages and facials for unwinding time. She asked have I only had facials and no injectables. Fine question. I said no never injectables. Ahhhh. If you don’t start botox before 30 you’ll be needing filler in no time. Still didn’t put me off. But then…you have thread veins on your chin. We do a treatment for that….no!! I’m here for a relaxing massage and facial. Not a consult. If I wanted someone to look at my skin. I’d see a dermatologist

Well done on your weight loss OP! How rude for people to comment on it. You’ve had the unfortune of meeting a couple of judgmental people but the majority genuinely don’t care or notice stretch marks on someone’s body, certainly not make comments. The beauty therapist one was unnecessarily rude. You’ve done really well to loose all that weight! 🙂