AIBU to feel attacked by other women?

[CareerChange24]

Over the course of the last 18months have lost five stone. Due to the weight though, I have very bad stretch marks. Not too bad on my arms. But my legs, bum and stomach and hips are covered. I wasn’t too affected by them as I just thought. Loads of women have them.

But, I went for laser hair removal - the woman looked at me and said you haven’t had a baby have you? You have lots of stretch marks. I said,’ohhh are they really bad?’ Rather hurt and taken aback. And she replied,”I’ve never seen them all over someone like that before. But I guess not bad.”

I was so hurt and scared of more comments I stopped having massages and hair removal. But I was having issues with my back so went to a physio. Never in a million years did I think they would comment on them. She said, “your back is covered in stretch marks. That would suggest you are hyper mobile. Which causes joint issues.” This was after examining me aswell. Stupidly, in my vulnerability I asked did she know of any way I could remove the stretch marks. How would a physio know that? But I did. And she said. You could have them surgically removed. But that would leave a scar.

I was just beyond hurt. She’s not even seen my stomach and legs and she thought they were bad enough to suggest surgically removing them.

I feel critiqued by these women and really deeply hurt. My self worth and loathing is terrible and my confidence shattered. Aibu?

Oh wow. We agree on something! Shall we have a party? 😁

Sorry, being a knob.

I agree! Last week I got my nails done. One had broken down to the bed, and she was horrible! Like I'd done it on purpose? Good lord, it hurt me more than it hurt her. 😂

(How's the lamp? Any difference?)

Ha ha! Lamp is fab thanks...I'll bring it to the party 😂

Firstly we'll done for your Amazing weight loss, very inspirational.

The beauty therapist was rude. She shouldn't have commented at all unless it was impacting the treatment. I hope you had the headspace to complain to the owner/manager but understand that when you feel vulnerable it's difficult.

The physio should probably have phrased things better but for your own wellbeing try to reframe it. She commented because it could be a sign of something else, so that's out of professional concern (even if inaccurate).

She didn't suggest or recommend surgery. She didn't say the stretchmarks were bad enough to require surgery. You asked about how to get rid of them, she answered honestly and told you that the only effective solution is surgery which leaves scars. She was (badly) telling you not to waste your money on ineffective treatments. Which is a good thing.

Sometimes it is better for our own wellbeing to try and give people the benefit of the doubt and I think this is one of those occasions.

Thank you. I have really let these things bother me and feel wounded definitely. My logically brain knows not to fall for the pressure to be perfect, or “this” or “that.” It’s easier said than done though. If I didn’t word myself correctly I didn’t get a drop of sleep, depression has me in a hold. I shall listen to the ted talk xx

@Dontlletmedownbruce You are very correct that since I lost the weight was the first time in years I faced myself. Never stood in front of a mirror and looked properly. Detached is a great way to articulate the feeling. I didn’t have any care for myself when bigger. Since losing weight I wanted to see what I had achieved. I think had the comments been said to me when bigger, I would have taken it more on the chin. I guess I feel now, when will I ever be good enough even when I spent months not socialising to stick to my weightloss as disordered eating is hard to manage. I couldn’t go out and be “good.”

@Catza I do know what you are saying and I don’t think the physio said it to hurt me. But it did hurt nonetheless. I think maybe saying I’ve seen the odd few stretchmarks and your joints seem hypermobile would have been a kinder blow.

I think two separate people pointing out I’m covered and seeming dismayed at them has put something into my mind that wasn’t there. I honestly thought plenty of women had lots.

I’m sure you won’t have, but plenty of people internalise their feelings like me. I couldn’t politely verbalise that I was hurt and never want to cause offence. I guess my larger point is plenty of other people don’t have that same thought process. Neither one is none the wiser that I took offence.

I do see that I maybe could have phrased attack better. I guess my raw emotional state would call it that. Someone said she thought I meant I’d been physically abused. I have suffered physical abuse not by women. Yet mental scars, from my experience, can leave a longer lasting impact. There was a reason I over ate into obesity. The lack of self worth and self loathing. I don’t know if that mentality will ever leave me.

Yes, weight issues are complicated and more about our brain than body. I (sadly) regained my weight but I remember an occasion at my lowest weight wearing a gorgeous dress. I remember wanting to walk across a room to someone , when most people were seated but was too embarrassed because I felt my bum was too big. It was about half the size it had been, but the sensation of wearing fitted clothes was new to me, people were looking more than normal because everyone was commenting on my weight loss and it really stressed me. I also had a sense of confusion about my size, I felt like I took up more space than I did and it unnerved me. I had everything I wanted but it didn't feel right. It took a few months to mentally change into my new weight but the inbetween time was really weird looking back. Of course now I wish I had enjoyed it more. Give yourself time to adjust and enjoy your new body.

Also, I got horrendous stretch marks as a teen, like purple gashes on very white skin. It caused a lot of embarrassment and they were in all sorts of random places. They faded slowly, it took many years but they are barely visible now. So at least you have that to look forward to.

It's funny how it is for women. Do men ever feel like this.

I'm chronically underweight and haggard from serious illness. It hurts me so much when people mention it. I have quite good self esteem but it's a reminder I'm unwell and have no control. That's what hurts me.

Every day is a reminder for women and I'm just glad that I didn't grow up with what people have to now deal with.

I had cosmetic surgery on my saggy tatties when I was very young. I blame the EDS condition for my stretchy saggy skin and prematurely saggy boobies. The surgeon looked at them during my consultation and said oh my goodness, what happened, have you had multiple children? He shook his head and tutted.

I was 23, I had low self esteem and they really weren't that bad.

Now, I'd laugh and I'd slap him round the face with my saggy nan breads!

There's someone waiting on every corner to exploit us all for our vulnerabilities or just trigger them with their thoughtless words.

@gestroopd Wow to the comments to your friend. I guess I’m hearing some people have had far worse things said to them than me. I think I find it crazy because she sounds intimidatingly remarkable! Ultra marathons. Beautiful and thin. I’d just look at her and think you are amazing. But only in my head! I don’t want to be weird but I do feel like randomly start to praise people. It can make your day or ruin it, dependent upon what’s being said.

What he said to you was unnecessary and clearly still causes anxiety. I guess I always thought women would “get” it more. You know? As we are all just plodding along doing the best we can.

Thank you all for the comments reminding me I have done a hard thing in going from obese to a healthy weight.

@BlackFriYay ☺️ the praise means more than I thought. Maybe I haven’t praised myself enough?

I can only imagine how uncomfortable she made you feel and again, you’d really think she’d know better. Especially when your hormones will have been all over the place! My first thought was hopefully that’s a distant bad memory now they will have faded and you got distracted by baby. I’m going to give myself similar advice now!

@Tittat50 I used to be a massage therapist and you are very right about the whole toxins and water thing. I mean, if the fat really was full of toxins, it probably wouldn't be wise to release them all.

The most bamboozling moment on the course was when the tutor made us decide which of the body's systems was the most important 🙄. It was the immune system apparently (according to a random homeopath from the 19th century)....I mean they're all rather important but we could probably live for more than five minutes without an immune system...

People may be complimenting you though as being thin will forever be seen as the ideal. I understand why you’d not see it like that. I’ve surprised myself. And maybe just learnt something. Through reading through the thread. The physio was just pointing out the only solution to the stretch marks. My obvious sensitivity has completely exaggerated this comment in my mind and this thread has shone a light on that. I need to stop thinking things are personal. It was matter of fact. And that’s where it should have been left in my mind.

You do make a good point about the lady who died with butt injections. How the push now for such unattainable standards is making people do things they wouldn’t normally choose to do.

I think what I found crass was that just a week later, a local to me “harley street” trained doctor was pushing a fat dissolving injection for the bum. When I also looked into her background. She’d largely been an a&e doctor until three years ago. Gone on a course on Harley street. And now filling people up left and right. Even that doesn’t sit well with me. Since taking more care in my appearance I did consider filler. But when I read how it never actually dissolves. Just migrates around. It scared me.

I also did think about having my boobs done after such a big loss. But where would it all end? When do you reach the finishing line?

It can go either way. I'm hypermobile and covered in them. Thighs, backs of calves, belly (even before pregnancy) and boobs. Every little weight fluctuation would bring out a new crop, some of them very large and very sore.

@Dontlletmedownbruce definitely, obesity in my case was a result of poor mental health. Your mind frames everything. Like how I’ve framed these “attacks” in my mind. The brain - the most powerful weapon in the body to be used to a great advantage or single handedly destroy you.

I’m sorry it was hard for you, but you have summed up how I feel again. The taking up room thing. I said ohhh no I can’t fit in the middle seat of the taxi. I did. I breathe in going through gaps waiting for my stomach to come into contact with whatever I’m squeezing through. Then I make it through and realise, oh no I didn’t squeeze through there. I order clothes online that I’m terrified will be too tight and they are loose and it’s like I have to triple check!

Ugh. What an idiot that doctor is. I had a chiropractor who said; "How much weight did you lose? That's a lot of stretch marks!"
I told him they were not from weight loss, but from pregnancy and he was surprised. I then stopped seeing him because I suspected he was a bit of a pervert as well as a tactless fool.
Morons like that are everywhere. To get upset by their silly remarks would interfere with my peace and serenity, so I shrug them off.

The first comment is absolutely rude and uncalled for but the second you are definitely being overly sensitive! Physio was mentioning it as she felt you had a medical condition, you asked the follow up questions, stretch marks are stretch marks…I had them before I had my kids on my thighs and breasts…they do fade with time

"I was just beyond hurt. She’s not even seen my stomach and legs and she thought they were bad enough to suggest surgically removing them"

No. She said you could have them surgically removed in response to your question about how to get rid of them. She didn't say they were 'bad', or that you should remove them. From a clinical viewpoint they may be significant enough to suggest a connective tissue disorder, (Hypermobility) and she was informing you, not criticising you.

It can go either way. For some the connective tissue laxity allows skin to stretch without resulting in stretch marks, for others the connective tissue is so stretchy that skin becomes fragile and tears easily, and this can also manifest as stretch marks.

Both women were off key - you can’t have stretchmarks surgically removed, she was speaking way outside of her scope of competence.

Massive congratulations on your weight loss - that’s one hell of a journey you’ve been on and I’m so sorry that these two bellends have made you feel shame over how you are now.

The marks will fade - a LOT. My partner lost about 17 stone and at one point he looked like he had red flames all over him, everywhere. Over the last few years they have faded so much, you can barely see them - and I certainly don’t notice them, they just don’t register. Everything is temporary.

You’ve been through so much, and you have so much to be proud of. Your body has some battle scars but it’s still beautiful. Xxx

The first woman was a rude bitch and someone in her profession should know better. If she's part of a company I'd put a complaint in, if she's self employed I'd leave a scathing review warning others they are in for some shitty judgement.

The physio was just doing her job and as I'm hyper mobile (hEDS- hyper mobile Ehlers Danlos Syndrome) myself I can appreciate how the physio came to that conclusion and also how jarring it must have been for you.
It is a common trait though and is worth exploring hEDS, a diagnosis and treatment can very much improve your life if you struggle in some areas and also with weight issues.

I hope you feel a little better soon and don't let that bitch get away with her twatty comments.

Firstly, congratulations on your weight loss, it's a fantastic achievement and apart from these careless comments I hope you are feeling great about it!

I think both of these women were insensitive and unkind and regardless of their profession, they shouldn't be making personal comments.

I've lost 4 stone over the last year and I've been called 'gaunt' told I'm 'looking haggard' and that I need to put a bit of weight back on, all by other women in my life!
My response now is 'really? because since loosing weight I feel fantastic'
Please don't stop from having treatments, you deserve them and like a pp said, have a response ready to shut them down.
Xx

This is a great response. And it leads to a very powerful point. We don’t FEEL any particular way because of what is happening to us or around us or in this case being said to us…… we feel a certain way because of how WE internalise things, and how we think about things. As much as some may not want to believe it, living in a reactive space and giving others the power to control our internal world makes us victims and It’s empowering to know, that we simply do not have to be! We can control how we think, and when we do that we control how we feel, our perspective, and how we respond and interact with the world. Don’t give others the power to break you.