AIBU to feel attacked by other women?

[CareerChange24]

Over the course of the last 18months have lost five stone. Due to the weight though, I have very bad stretch marks. Not too bad on my arms. But my legs, bum and stomach and hips are covered. I wasn’t too affected by them as I just thought. Loads of women have them.

But, I went for laser hair removal - the woman looked at me and said you haven’t had a baby have you? You have lots of stretch marks. I said,’ohhh are they really bad?’ Rather hurt and taken aback. And she replied,”I’ve never seen them all over someone like that before. But I guess not bad.”

I was so hurt and scared of more comments I stopped having massages and hair removal. But I was having issues with my back so went to a physio. Never in a million years did I think they would comment on them. She said, “your back is covered in stretch marks. That would suggest you are hyper mobile. Which causes joint issues.” This was after examining me aswell. Stupidly, in my vulnerability I asked did she know of any way I could remove the stretch marks. How would a physio know that? But I did. And she said. You could have them surgically removed. But that would leave a scar.

I was just beyond hurt. She’s not even seen my stomach and legs and she thought they were bad enough to suggest surgically removing them.

I feel critiqued by these women and really deeply hurt. My self worth and loathing is terrible and my confidence shattered. Aibu?

Congratulations on the weight loss OP. The first woman was a rude arsehole. She either wanted to sell more products, or she's personally obsessed with looks and what she perceives as ideal beauty standards.

I think people in the beauty industry broadly fall into two camps, they are either amazing, supportive people who want everyone to feel confident in their own skin so build their clients up (like my lovely best friend). Or they are image obsessed and secretly battling feelings of inadequacy so make themselves feel better by pointing out perceived flaws in others. That is far sadder for them than anything.

I honestly think it sounds like the second woman was speaking medically though, it even sounds like she tried to gently dissuade you of surgery by mentioning the scars. Sometimes things can be signs of a potential problem without being negative aesthetically 🤷‍♀️

I agree but I’m afraid there are a lot of people out there who lack tact or speak before they think. Rather than finding it hurtful, try to think of it as their deficiency rather than yours and be proud of yourself that you know you don’t have the same flaw.

@9ToGoal I was being sarcastic about my hairdresser. Which is why she is ex. But she did spur me on to prove I can lose the weight and be “pretty.”

I am so sorry you experienced this OP but I agree with PP that a lot of people are just ignorant and stupid.

I have struggled with low iron levels (thankfully sorted now) but it affected my hair and made it quite thin. Several different hairdressers have "helpfully" commented on it - eg "wow! your hair is really thin" and "you hardly have any hair!" and then tried to flog me a SLS free shampoo as if that would have cured it. I sharply told them I was low in iron and thats why, the doctor knew about it and a stupid expensive shampoo isnt going to fix it (I had already tried every shampoo under the sun).

My hair is much better now but during that period of time it really, really upset me - I KNEW my hair was fine and thin and I really dont need it pointing out in a "oh wow!" manner- its rude and unnecessary.

One of those hairdressers had really bad breath and I didnt say in return "oh wow!- your breath is really bad, have you tried drinking more water or flossing?" because I'm not an arsehole like them!

The only response is, beaming, "Yes, I've lost FIVE stone! I feel so much better and healthier now, I wake up every morning with a spring in my step."

ooh I feel like my comment has been read all wrong? I agreed with you and said it was hurtful. and said I’d had these interactions to back you up that, yes, people say this type of hurtful shit a lot and I get what you mean entirely.

Also, not being funny but you’ve literally just done what you’re complaining about - I can fake tan my pale skin away? I can shave my hair? But freckles are ok. You’re literally agreeing that these two things are flaws I need to hide but that I should be ‘grateful’ that I can “do” something about them?!

?! And I personally don’t think I should have to. But your comment about how I can tan my flaw away makes me feel like you do agree it’s a flaw. Skin tone comes in and out of fashion. It’s grotesque. And suggesting people are lucky to be able to change the colour of their skin to hide their natural skin tone is rude.

hair is much the same and luckily girls nowadays are taking a stand and not pressurising themselves to shave and wax to within an inch of their life. Because it’s natural!

my being classically attractive (I said, not beautiful) is something I mentioned because I was explaining that I have zero confidence and that the world has torn me and women at large down to the point that no matter what you look like - whether you fit the current “beauty standard” or not, most women are not confident and hate on themselves. Also, I didn’t, in fact, believe my friend was talking nonsense - I’d always been down on my smile because my teeth weren’t “perfect” and ended up paying five grand I didn’t have to get them fixed years later with THAT comment ringing in my ears.

ALL women are allowed to be insecure, whether you think they should be or shouldn’t be. You have just been offensive with your pale skin and hair comment and dismissing me based on the fact you decided I must be fine based on the fact I have some level of logical consciousness about my appearance and know that in reality I’m reasonably lucky with my looks (even though that’s vastly overridden by shame and self hatred). maybe you’re not as good as building women up as you could be either.

Oh, sorry. Shall we all pretend that all beauticians are fonts of knowledge? And all physios?

Because I've had some tell me some shite, and my DH has had about 6 physios due to his injury. Only one has talked sense.

I'm sure there's gold out there! My current lady who does brows and massage is great. DH's physio is fab now.

Do we just pretend some aren't just out to get you to get your lips done? Or your scars lazered?

Congratulations on the weight loss! You have done very well!

While no one 'stretch mark removal' surgery exists – there are multiple plastic surgery procedures available to help minimise the appearance of stretch marks based on the area of the body where they have occurred

Wow, how rude (laser hair removal lady!), As if, as a professional, you would comment on someone's stretch marks, if it was not what they went for treatment for. Unless she was trying to drum up business.

Think the physio mentioned them as part of her assessment for your treatment - I wouldn't take that one personally

If you are concerned there are lots of treatments on the market which can minimise the look of stretch marks

I'm sorry that you were upset by the comments of two women. However I think your title is misleading and hyperbolic. I thought I was going to open a thread to read about a lifetimes experience of verbal abuse/physical assault from numerous women. The beautician was tactless rude and unprofessional and I'd be taking my business elsewhere. The other woman was drawing your attention to a possible physical issue as part of the therapy you were paying for. Its difficult when there is something about our bodies we don't like, but no one is perfect. You've lost weight and benefitted your health and stretch marks will fade.

I think both our wires have been crossed. I did know you were backing what I said. I just meant if you did perceive them as flaws. You could do something about them. Whereas I can’t. I think porcelain skin is the prettiest and most flawless. But thats my perception and subjective. Hair I don’t notice and wanted mine removing as I get in growing hairs. I did think you came across as more confident than me in acknowledging you had beauty. I see myself as a beast.

I think you’re right. I’m sorry if mine came across wrong. I wonder how many men would be having this conversation - it’s like an open wound isn’t it? We all get hurt and offended but I still believe so much just comes from media. Nowadays kids have fake social media making them think theyre meant to look like flawless plastic and when I grew up it was magazines circling people’s “flaws” and calling Britney Spears unattractive and “fat”.

I know you’re not beastly because that’s not a real thing. You’re a person and you’re as normal looking as everyone else (I always think I look positively alien-esque and no clothes sit right on me) and have your own beauty and flaws and all these wonderful things which make up you. I saw this Ted talk by accident the other day and some of the things that she says really stuck with me and have been playing in my mind - namely how your kids see you from beneath your chin. Xx

m.youtube.com/watch?v=KTejqeu00G0

She didn't suggest surgery because your stretch marks were bad but because surgery is the only way to remove stretch marks.
Sometimes it can be difficult to predict what people will find offensive and, honestly, as clinicians we do try to be mindful but, ultimately, we will be asking you uncomfortable questions. I ask people uncomfortable questions all day long because I literally cannot establish diagnosis without knowing the full story. Over the years, I can only think of two people who got offended and hundreds more who were grateful to me for taking time to understand the full picture.
And when I was working as a (dim!) massage therapist, I would very much need to know about the above poster's back lymphoma. I don't have an x-ray vision, I don't know if it is painful and I need to avoid the area or if it is malignant tumor which will be a contra-indication to treatment. I had to ask these questions. Maybe not so much about the stretch marks during a laser treatment..

I don’t think it’s fair to characterise someone commenting on a part of your appearance that you are sensitive about as “attacking”.

You weren’t attacked. The beauty therapist tried an upsell, the physio thought it may indicate an underlying problem you may not have been aware of.

You got fat quickly and got stretch marks. Me too. They aren’t terribly attractive but they aren’t hideous disfigurements either.
You lost a lot of weight - congratulations! That’s brilliant and I suspect you feel much better for it.

Don’t let the success of your achievement be undermined by fretting over stretch marks. And certainly don’t let comments become attacks that hold you back.

Oh bless you, I would have assumed weight loss. I don't know why they didn't politely ask you have you lost weight recently, or something like that.

I think when someone is overweight they become somehow detached from their own bodies, avoiding mirrors etc. Now that you have obviously lost weight people are commenting and you may be coming to terms with your own body for the first time in a long time. This can bring a period of hyper sensitivity about yourself. I lost a lot of weight some years ago and almost every conversation was focused on my body, while I was delighted with how I looked I found it difficult to be analysed. I also found myself examining myself for the first time in years finding flaws when previously I was just one big lumpy flaw! Try to ignore and move on OP. Well done on your loss.

No practitioner should ever make personal comments about your appearance. Especially things like stretch marks. I would never do such a thing.

The idea that you have to have some sort of procedure to reduce them is nonsense, btw. I lost a lot of weight fairly quickly years ago and had lots on my hips and stomach. Barely noticeable within a couple of years.

Propensity to stretch marks is genetic and a little unavoidable, and yes it can be indicators of ligament.

At the moment they will be red and new, but over the next few years they will fade to barely visible pale silvery lines. You can also explore derma-rolling as this promotes collagen and elastin production and helps minimise them - you can have a few sessions and then also buy a machine to do it at home.

Try not to let their presence dent your confidence after such an amazing weight loss achievement. The beautician was very unprofessional - don’t book with her again - but there will be others who show empathy and can advise on treatments to help you feel better about yourself.

Oh how I wish it was only on MN that people said shit that invalidates

It starts from birth.

Within a few minutes of my second being born, a member of staff came into the room and said.

"Congratulations! Oh... Your baby is ginger."

I wish I'd had the wherewithal to say something suitably sarcastic but I wasn't on top form at that moment 😂

1st one - rude but beauty therapists aren’t renowned for their brains
2nd - being practical

Inwiuldnt put that down as all women though. Well done on the weight loss

I've had beauty therapists say all sorts of weird shit to me, at which I've left

I actually rarely get beauty treatments or get my hair done often... despite being quite into those things and having the time and money because I have had so many bad experiences with beauty therapists and hairdressers...I find they are often quite bitchy and judgemental.

Both just rude!

1. A physio would be able to tell very quickly that you’re hyper mobile if you are, and nothing to do with stretch marks. My personal trainer could tell within about a minute of training me.
2. I am hyper mobile and having had 2 children and a couple of not insignificant weight gains and subsequent losses and I have no stretch marks. You either get them or you don’t.

Like others have said, first one shouldn't have commented, by the physio had a concern that was beyond aesthetics.

Secondly – as hard as it is, only you can decide what power you give people to hurt you. You're never going to stop society making negative comments about your body, or greying hair or what kind of parent you are, or how you do your makeup or any number of things – but you can work towards not giving a fuck.

@Devonshiregal not really necessary to be scathing towards me. I know it's cutting and hurtful to those with loved ones in the industry. I will do what I feel fit to support OP and the hurt feelings of beauty practitioners are not my concern right now.

Apologies to you if you are one. I know there will be exceptions, somewhere.

The industry is dangerous. And we have very dim people pushing dangerous things.

I think of the thick as shit practitioner who killed someone with her ass injectables recently.

The industry is a problem and it attracts alot of dumb dumbs.

The physio needs to go on customer relations training. Never would I ever say such to a client working in said profession. She's also wrong in what she says.

Good luck OP. You'll feel so much better about your appearance when you work on the other stuff. 🙏