AIBU to feel attacked by other women?

[CareerChange24]

Over the course of the last 18months have lost five stone. Due to the weight though, I have very bad stretch marks. Not too bad on my arms. But my legs, bum and stomach and hips are covered. I wasn’t too affected by them as I just thought. Loads of women have them.

But, I went for laser hair removal - the woman looked at me and said you haven’t had a baby have you? You have lots of stretch marks. I said,’ohhh are they really bad?’ Rather hurt and taken aback. And she replied,”I’ve never seen them all over someone like that before. But I guess not bad.”

I was so hurt and scared of more comments I stopped having massages and hair removal. But I was having issues with my back so went to a physio. Never in a million years did I think they would comment on them. She said, “your back is covered in stretch marks. That would suggest you are hyper mobile. Which causes joint issues.” This was after examining me aswell. Stupidly, in my vulnerability I asked did she know of any way I could remove the stretch marks. How would a physio know that? But I did. And she said. You could have them surgically removed. But that would leave a scar.

I was just beyond hurt. She’s not even seen my stomach and legs and she thought they were bad enough to suggest surgically removing them.

I feel critiqued by these women and really deeply hurt. My self worth and loathing is terrible and my confidence shattered. Aibu?

Just remember this, OP, as it will stand you in good stead for raising your self esteem in the future - when someone is critical of you for no good reason, just like @DoIWantTo was, it has absolutely NOTHING to do with you and everything to do with them trying to feel better about their own insecurities.

Everybody has flaws, and humans are naturally competitive beings, but when you learn that these things aren’t reflective of you but instead say more about the person saying it, you become powerful because nothing can bother you anymore. We are ALL flawed, every single one of us. Personally, I’d rather have stretch marks than be a horrible person.

I have my period and had a tight top on (at home) and my husband asked me if I was pregnant. At 45. With no sex. I said "no, are you?" looking at his protruding belly. Shut him up.

I'm sorry OP for your experience even though the physio was just asking profesionally. Some people are just rude, some without knowing it (forgivable) some knowing very well what they're doing (a-holes).

To suggest surgery just seemed extreme

She didn’t randomly suggest surgery

Stupidly, in my vulnerability I asked did she know of any way I could remove the stretch marks. How would a physio know that? But I did. And she said. You could have them surgically removed. But that would leave a scar.

You did ask a question and the physio answered. They mentioned the stretch marks because they thought you may have a condition which might need looking into.

But, I went for laser hair removal - the woman looked at me and said you haven’t had a baby have you?

the beautician was quite tactless especially if she didn’t explain why she asked but if your stretch marks looked fresh she may of thought you’d had a baby recently so she had a responsibility to check she could safely do the procedure.

The first example is rude and unacceptable. The second example is not. She mentioned it because it was relevant to your therapy, thinking it meant you were hypermobile. Then you asked her a question and she politely answered it. What else was she supposed to say? She didn't suggest they needed to be removed.
You did, by asking her that.
Watch out for a tendency to hypersensitivity. It will only cause you pain.
If you become confident in yourself and comfortable in your own skin, other people's opinions won't affect you so much that you hide yourself away like that. So work on that.

I shall think of Tyrion Lannister. Who I had a crush on. We are all bastards and broken things in their eyes. The minute you embrace what you are. No one can hurt you. Said the wise older owl to the beautiful Jon snow.

Precisely. My life’s motto is ‘’when someone is horrible to you, don’t wonder what’s wrong with you, wonder what is wrong with them to feel the need to be unpleasant’’ because somebody who is happy doesn’t set out to be deliberately rude or hurtful to others.

OP, dermabrasion can reduce the appearance of stretch marks. It won't get rid of them but they'll be less noticeable.

Yes definitely a fair point. I have realised if you ask a question. Expect an answer. And also even if you don’t ask a question. Expect anything. I do need to be more resilient as I’m a sensitive soul. I mean I never thought I’d quote Kylie Jenner but most insecurities we weren’t born with or had. Other people instilled them in us. I wasn’t too bothered by my stretch marks until they were pointed out.

I feel your pain, OP. I’ve had gastric surgery, lost 10 and a half stone and now have major loose skin, so I’m stuck covering my upper arms and legs. My arms are appalling, I don’t mind bingo wings, but I have serious dangling skin, it’s very ugly, also on my stomach. Only surgery will help, I have no idea about stretch marks, tho, I don’t think any serums/creams will be particularly effective. Maybe go back to the physio and ask if she knows someone she could refer you to?

Cocoa butter is the best thing I've found for stretch marks. I got them in my teens but oddly did not get any more when pregnant. They are very faded now in my 40s, I don't notice them at all.

You seem like a self aware and intelligent person, so I think you can successfully do the work you need to do to develop your self worth more. Then the opinions of ignoramuses like that beautician will just roll off your back. 🙂

Well done on your weight loss,you should be proud of yourself. I've heard a spray tan can conceal stretch marks really well & it doesn't have to be too dark. We all do things cosmetically to make ourselves feel better, especially for special occasions.

Is it possible to reframe the stretchmarks as a reminder of who you are, who you were, what you've been through? Like something to be proud of rather than ashamed?

Nobody "attacked" you. The beautician was tactless and unprofessional. It appears, from info from other PPs, the physio was ill-informed at first, but then just answered a direct question from the OP... one unrelated to physio. Why did you as a.physio about stretch mark removal..... and now complain when she answered?

What I am shocked by is the amount of posters attacking women who work in the beauty trade, and physios, in this thread.
Dim
Haven't the intellectual bandwidth
Didn't engage brain
And much more.

There are lots of hortible posts on this thread.

Yanbu I would be OK with the physio comment however I can understand why you wasn't after the other comment which was completely out of order. I have a scar from a surgery and the amount of complete strangers who felt the need to point It out led to me covering up to hide it for years. I don't understand this need people have to comment on other people's appearance

I have never heard of stretch marks being surgically removed. I believe they fade over time. Probably not completely, but enough for you to feel comfortable with your appearance. Presumably they are red at the moment.

I have lost a lot of weight and find I fixate on aspects of my body that have changed for the worse. I feel like it’s because I’ve spent so much time thinking about my body and hating aspects of it that I’m conditioned to be critical. I try to concentrate on being healthy and exercising so I value the way my body works over how it looks.
I really wouldn’t worry about nurses. Perhaps some beauticians are shallow and used to people who are younger etc but nurses have seen it all and I’ve never had one make me feel bad.

I agree with you. Also the header, AIBU to feel attacked by women? We are talking about 2 women who made comments that were unappreciated but they weren't attacking the OP. Not everyone has the same sensitivity level but that doesn't mean that they are dumb people.

It makes a more dramatic headline

I think if you have garnered from the information I have given that I wasn’t attacked then I don’t see how the beauty industry is being attacked. I have said twice, it’s definitely not solely women who work in that industry, but women as a whole. I have found women far, far, more critical than men.

My personal bad experiences have largely been beauty industry related. But that’s not an attack. But a plea that instead of playing on insecurities for profit, a bit of thought and tact should be introduced.

And yes. I asked a dumb question. And got a dumb answer. “Ill informed” isn’t the biggest compliment to a medical professional, I’d call it a euphemism for ineptitude. She should be aware of the signs of eds which I do not exhibit. Never heard of anyone having stretch marks surgically operated on. But you are right. I asked the wrong person. Most definitely.

Hi OP you’ve hit the nail on the head when you say you need to work on your resilience. If your stretch marks didn’t bother you too much before then there’s no reason take unthinking people’s comments to heart to the extent you have. I once had a doctor, who was examining me in A&E for sudden severe abdominal pain, comment that they’d never seen so many stretch marks on a stomach. Er, thanks! Despite the agony I was in at the time it registered as being a weird thing to say but I honestly can’t say it made me think differently about my stretch marks or impacted my self esteem in general. You’ve done something so positive by losing the weight so celebrate yourself and brush off thoughtless comments.

@MadamBuxton I think what I have struggled with and felt a real attack on my appearance was that I could never imagine saying what that doctor said to you. When would the thought enter your brain and then verbalise it. That’s why I’ve struggled and felt these were cruel and really hurtful. You are a lot stronger than me and I hope to gain some of that resilience.

First congrats on losing 5 stone. Well done.

The beautician was rude. The PPs generalising that they are all dim is just as bad.

EDS and stretch marks on abdomen and lower back are linked so the physio was unlikely to have been being rude. You may not have been aware of the extent of them on your back.

Finally, your hairdresser said what?? And you are giving them appreciation. That was hugely rude and offensive. Wonderful that you managed to lose weight successfully, however now you are feeling hurt because people are commenting on stretch marks. The hairdresser that prompted your weightloss would have made the woman with hypothyroidism, PCOS and on antidepressants/steroids feel just the way you do now. Glad you said EX hairdresser, they are worse than the beautician (who could at least be just tactless and trying to upsell laser treatment).

Firstly congratulations on the weight loss. You must be feeling great being a smaller size.
I think you need to disassociate yourself with the stigma of being very overweight as you are no longer! Be more confident in your self. And either pull someone up on their comments if you think they're being rude, or not be offended if they're being helpful and answering your direct question.

Anyone can get stretch marks, my daughter has never been remotely overweight being very active and fit (size 10-12) yet has them on her lower back due to rapid height growth as a teen, and on her boobs (went from nothing practically overnight to a DD cup at 13). 10 years on they're faded almost to oblivion, without any creams or oils (she doesn't like the feel of creams on skin, made sun tan lotion a nightmare as a child).

For yours, I'd do some Googling to see who has had success in treating stretchmarks with a good bio oil or retinol oil to remove their effect/visibility.

I wish people would keep their comments to themselves. I know how you're feeling OP and I've had similar myself.

When I was pregnant with DC2 I had to go in for monitoring. The midwife made such a big deal of my stretch marks I tried to keep my stomach covered for the rest of my time there, not easy if you're wearing a monitor to track movements. I felt so self conscious and sad.

Well done on losing all of that weight, 5 stone is fantastic 👏