AIBU to feel attacked by other women?

[CareerChange24]

Over the course of the last 18months have lost five stone. Due to the weight though, I have very bad stretch marks. Not too bad on my arms. But my legs, bum and stomach and hips are covered. I wasn’t too affected by them as I just thought. Loads of women have them.

But, I went for laser hair removal - the woman looked at me and said you haven’t had a baby have you? You have lots of stretch marks. I said,’ohhh are they really bad?’ Rather hurt and taken aback. And she replied,”I’ve never seen them all over someone like that before. But I guess not bad.”

I was so hurt and scared of more comments I stopped having massages and hair removal. But I was having issues with my back so went to a physio. Never in a million years did I think they would comment on them. She said, “your back is covered in stretch marks. That would suggest you are hyper mobile. Which causes joint issues.” This was after examining me aswell. Stupidly, in my vulnerability I asked did she know of any way I could remove the stretch marks. How would a physio know that? But I did. And she said. You could have them surgically removed. But that would leave a scar.

I was just beyond hurt. She’s not even seen my stomach and legs and she thought they were bad enough to suggest surgically removing them.

I feel critiqued by these women and really deeply hurt. My self worth and loathing is terrible and my confidence shattered. Aibu?

As much as I think it’s wonderfully ironic how that poster sweepingly and tactlessly claimed people are dim and that’s the reason for their tactlessness, I do agree that I’ve had many experiences where aestheticians have been tactless to the point of rudeness. And it always stings more when you know someone wasn’t trying to be mean - makes it feel more likely to be true. But the reality is that you know, OP, that you have a tonne of stretch marks. That is true. People are going to notice. And the worst they can think is oh that woman has a lot of stretch marks. That’s it. Their thoughts can’t hurt you. You can hurt you though. Beating yourself down for other people noticing that you have lots of stretch marks is what’s hurting you. Yes people should shut the hell up but unfortunately many are too…dim…and it doesn’t discriminate based on industry; unthinking arseholes are everywhere.

here’s a list of shit I’ve had said about me:

oh yes your boobs are small aren’t they?

oh yeah you are hairy, why? (Said by beauty therapist doing a wax…Surely I can’t be so much hairier than any other woman out there seeing as I’ve seen plenty who are more moustached than I, but of course now I have a complex).

omg what if your baby has freckles like you?

why does your smile do that?

youre soooo pale. I can see your veins. It’s so weird. Eww hahaa it’s creeping me out.

you look ill, maybe you need more lipstick.

ha your crazy smile (said by my drunk “friend” who clearly he believed I had a crazy smile - didn’t stop him fawning all over me and asking me out when we first met and several times in the years after that)

oh you ACTUALLY have quite a flat stomach (when my stomach was exposed - like what? Do I look so different with a T-shirt on that it’s a shock to see me without?)

Are you anorexic?

you look too skinny.

You’ve put on weight haven’t you?! I’m not used to seeing you like “this”

oh you look so much better with your arms so skinny. Definitely suits you. Stay like this it looks great (while I was clearly very mentally unwell and vastly underweight)

are you pregnant? No? Oh that dress makes you look pregnant.

Omg and there’s more, two in particular I won’t mention as they upset me so much, but you get the gist!

And I was always actually (ACTUALLY 🙄) classically attractive. I say was because now I’m aged and feel terribly insecure. Though people tell me I’m attractive and even I can see I’m not beastly but it doesn’t matter. I’ve spent my whole life ashamed of myself. Hating every picture. Hiding my stomach and tonnes of other bits that are wrong about me.

I felt terribly insecure when I was fifteen and fit the beauty standard. Or twenty and felt “fat” at just 8 stone (underweight for me). Because the WORLD is shit to women. Including other women, who have had the world bombard them with images of why they’re not good enough and that they should judge other women and themselves based on their looks. Hence the reason it’s world news that drew Barrymore took off her make up and extensions on tv….duh duh dunnnnn! And also why you don’t get many men being insulted by beauty therapists THEY DON’T BOTHER GOING TO BEAUTY THERAPISTS! They aren’t told their worth is exclusively wrapped up in their looks. In fact it’s only recently it’s getting worse for men in that regard.

it’s ridiculous when people point this shit out - what are they expecting you to say? But also why does it have to be a negative? I actually think stretch marks don’t look bad. Do you? I mean they just are, aren’t they? Not bad or good.

Yes the physio could have been more tactful but didn’t do anything wrong and she wasn’t trying to hurt you - she just saw them as a sign flagging hypermobility, she made no comment on how they viewed their appearance and answered your question re removal. Have you checked for hyper mobility? Also even if you are what are you supposed to do about it? More physio I guess haha. Were they working for a private clinic? Joking but seriously you’re the one beating yourself up and trying to reassure yourself you look ok in other people’s eyes while simultaneously criticising yourself. That’s the reality. Because even if you do have lots of stretch marks. Or even if I do have a crazy smile or freckles that other people find wildly offensive to their eyes, we are just humans with human conditions. Our bodies are just built the way they are. And they don’t actually change based on how ugly or attractive people think we are. So yes People can be arseholes, or can think you’re hideous or flawed - but it doesn’t actually mean anything. You chastising yourself does though. It means a life of sadness. Trust me I know.

Wow I went off on one but seriously it’s so upsetting we are all so scarred by life that we have these insecurities.

Enjoy your stretchmarks and the next time someone decides to point out you have them say proudly Yes, they’re so cute arent they 😊

Please make sure you make an appointment to have your smear test! This is more important than being anxious about what someone thinks about your body. We all have stretch marks, some of us more, some of us less. Looking after your health is more important!

I definitely noted that these comments are definitely not from women solely from the beauty industry and would never assume someone who worked in a certain area was dim. I never presume anything. I try to think and engage. I do however think women who don’t think before they speak and just say whatever is on their mind, it equates to lack of brain cells as you aren’t giving thought to another person’s feelings. The more I did think about it. The majority of comments I’ve had have come from this industry. Five stone was very noticeable and a different woman at the same clinic said…. The problem with losing weight is your body looks great but your face looks haggered. Luckily. Filler can restore that. Giveth with one hand. And taketh away with the next. Slap in the face to my achievement and I didn’t ask for it. I was there for a collagen inducing facial. Not to be analysed. If I asked. Then fair enough. But I didn’t.

With you listing a fair amount of comments you perceive as unnecessary I hope you can understand why I’m hurt. Plus, you can shave hair. You can fake tan pale skin. I see freckles as beautiful I mean look at Meghan markle. There’s nothing I can do to remove these scars and they have been repeatedly pointed out as a negative. I hope you can see that’s why it’s plaguing me and a real knock to my confidence. You said with confidence you were classically beautiful, so knew the clown comments were just weird. I don’t feel confident that I’m beautiful regardless of the stretch marks. Confidence is the key to inner peace and happiness.

The one comment I did appreciate. Was my ex hairdresser. You’d be really pretty if you lost weight. So I lost five stone. Appreciation post to her for giving me the f you spirit I needed.

I will, I just needed a minute to protect my mind. But that minute has gone on for longer than anticipated so thank you for pushing me.

I have a really big scar on my back, huge most of my spine is a scar. I know it is noticeable and hated if for many years but it exists, i cant improve it or remove it and is now part of me. I had to learn to make peace with it, its something that takes time but once I managed it it felt so good.

The comments at the moment are raw to you as they remind you that the stretch marks exist and you feel negatively about them. That is the bit that needs to change, work on really getting used fo them being there. Accept them.

Once you get to that state you will brush off these comments. Yes they are insensitive but they cab only really hurt you if you are also upset by the marks. The bit you can change is you. You have done amazing to loose the weight what an achievement and they are the marks that remind you of that massive achievement. Well done 👏

Op it sounds to me like the first comment was just horrible but the second one although tactless was trying to help! Please try to learn to love your body. We are all different and we all have insecurities ( and generally the more insecurities someone has the more spiteful the comments they make to others). I was a beautiful teenager ( not just me being arrogant i have been told by many people) but i absolutely hated myself! I thought i was the ugliest, fattest creature on the planet! Now im middle aged with stretch marks, saggy skin from a big weight loss, wrinkles and i think i have finally learned to accept myself. Don't waste your life worrying about other peoples opinions.

I know this is stereotypical and I might get flamed for it, but I find so many beauty therapists to be as thick as shit, frankly. It appears they’ve got no brains so they concentrate on beauty and vanity instead. Out of the ones I’ve met, one of them is a raging conspiracy theorist and bangs on about absolute crap she’s read on Facebook and there’s absolutely zero logic. I stopped going there as she seemed to love going on and I didn’t want to sit and listen to her absolute shite.

The others are total bitches and laugh and take the piss out of their clients when they leave because of some perceived physical flaw.

Another one thought burning herself and putting snake venom in the burns rids her of bad energy, and it must be true because she was sick later that night and could feel all the ‘badness’ leaving 🤣

I don't known if this'll make you feel better.

DH had a bad accident years ago, shattered hip and thigh. He's riddled with surgical scars plus the scars of the event. Very handsome man, to the point he's had people ask if he'll pose as an oil painting for them.

Anyway, my point is. We went to a spa a few years ago. Had a couples massage and the woman doing it just...I could see her jaw drop, her mind moving, and it came out faster than I could fix.

"That's awful. What happened? You look terrible, have you tried some of the laser work that's out there?"

I packed us up within minutes and he was
fucking mortified. They just don't think. They just want to sell their wares.

Many women have been conditioned into having a body that men find attractive and they're invested in policing that.

I have a very beautiful and very thin friend who runs ultra marathons (40+ miles!!). She's had children and got stretch marks on her belly. She was changing in the gym and was approached by two women who pointed to her belly and told her she could have surgery (tummy tuck or something) for it. It literally didn't matter what her body could DO, to them how it looked was the priority. My friend has had no surgery!

As for the physio, I've been told the same, only it was a male physio. He said, "You haven't had children, have you?"
I said, "No" (he'd just taken my personal details and history)
Then he said, "I've never seen so many stretch marks on a woman doesn't have children."

I still think about it now I've got kids - I feel relieved if I ever have to get undressed for physio etc, because at least I've had children.

However, he also told me that I was likely hypermobile and to go to the GP about that.

Your weight loss though is really impressive!

The only way not to care if people say appraising things about your appearance is genuinely not to care about your appearance as some kind of signifier of whether you are a good person. Don't see it as something to be proud of or ashamed of. Just drop it.

I'd see beauty workers' comments in a different light - they work with appearance all day so are much more thick skinned about just saying the facts. Your face is red. You are overweight. You have stretch marks. They come from a place where these are facts of life that people come in to change, not big shameful secrets. It's quite liberating really if you adopt the matter of fact outlook.

Then it becomes a question of weighing up what they are selling. One once said to me oh you need a tinted moisturiser, or you need this type of facial or whatever. I mildly said I didn't need those things, I could live perfectly well without them, but it was good to know their opinion of the effects if I did have them.

Nobody can make you feel inferior without your consent, etc.

If you’ve got them all over your body then it’s maybe worth listening to the physio doctor, it does sound rather excessive. Even after 3 massive babies I’m not covered in them like that so it probably is outwith the norm and you should be investigated for hyper mobility (EDS normally goes hand in hand with that, given it can cause issues with your organs it really is worth getting checked out)

Well good for you that you aren’t covered in them. Even after three big babies. I did have it investigated and it was laughed at by an actual doctor. A physio isn’t a doctor.

OP has said she has them through weight loss. That is not the same thing. I've a friend who lost about 10 stone and she's covered, it's from a specific thing and it's nothing that needs looking into. Applauding, but its not a medical issue.

Also, some people get stretch marks and others don't. I had two big babies and didn't get a single one. My best friend is covered in them from one small baby. It's genetics.

@CareerChange24 yes, I’m very thankful not to be covered by massive stretch marks all over my body considering I went from stick thin to a size 20 and back down to a size 10 within 18 months. Or did you think you were the only person in the world to be fat and lose weight?

Are you okay?

Thank you. I also got a lot from puberty and I’m not tall or didn’t gain weight it’s obviously in my genetics. The ones all on my stomach are from weight gain and I think I feel most shame with those.

I also have a massive surgical scar like your husband up my back and it does make me feel better that I’m not the only one to feel belittled and hurt.

Also this “laser” business. Is literally business and no solution. Fda approved ablative lasers can only improve a scar by about 5%. And it depends how you view improve! If your eyesight is that good. Before and after photos that are in different lighting being pushed as the solution and playing on insecurities.

Flaws need to be normalised and not considered flaws. Pp telling me oh no that isn’t “normal.” Tactless. Again.

WTF??? This seems a disproportionate response to what the OP said? She didn’t say she was the only person in the world to lose weight, she commented because your post smacked of unpleasant competitiveness like, ‘look at me, I’ve lost weight and don’t have them all over my body, what a freak you must be to be covered in them.’ It’s you who looks a twatish person for trying to drag somebody else down just to give yourself a boost 🤣

Never claimed to be the only fat person to have lived. And if you think you can hurt me by hitting out at my “massive” stretch marks. Well it’s already been done. So massive fail.

I was being genuine. Great for you how lucky to not have any. Amazing! Not of all of us are so lucky. And nasty comments from other women are definitely not needed. I’m sure it’s lost on you but you were proving my point and being tactless by saying I wasn’t normal for having a lot.

Stomach ones are hard, aren't they? I got them from puberty and they're silver now but I still hate them when I'm in a mood. I've thought about getting tattoos tbh, something pretty. One friend did it following the lines and it's so lovely.

Don't let surgical scars ruin how you feel. It's so easy to say to someone, but I hate how sad they make my DH feel. I don't see it. I do, but not like he does. We see ourselves so viciously sometimes, and it's cruel, but when you're hammered with this kind of thing it's almost impossible to stop.

And exactly! And the pain of going through it all! My God, spending thousands under a laser for a minute difference? Do we deserve that? Shouldn't we be spending that money on thigs we enjoy?

Flaws are part of being human. We should embrace them, not try to suffocate it. Can't we just live and have our bodies as proof of that?

The scar on my back. I actually feel pride. Being under 30 and having spinal surgery wasn’t the prettiest thing to go through. But I conquered. I’m hurt for your husband at his being pointed out. I think it’s the highlighting of someone’s difference. You were taught at school you don’t pick on someone with glasses and braces or of any difference to you. We don’t carry that through to adulthood.

You could have an amazing holiday or experience for the cost of laser that like you say. The most minute difference it makes

I’ve never been a girl suited to ink/tattoos. But I think I may consider it!!

Please OP and to anyone else posting with body insecurities, please read the book “So Lucy” by Dawn O Porter.

If you aren’t a reader then try the audiobook?

I have suffered eating disorders, body dysmorphia and constantly battle with my self image. My weight is like a yo-yo and I also struggle with excess hair.

I am a big reader who reads at least 10 books a month but this book stayed with me and really made me review my lack of self esteem and how I believe other people perceive me.

OP the reason I thought of recommending this to you is because the MC has a similar hang up and had a negative experience with a beauty therapist.

I know that recommending a book doesn’t always work as people have different tastes and perceptions, this really helped me boost my self confidence though and as Dawn O Porter is a journalist I’m guessing it isn’t all complete fiction.

OP other than recommending this book I want to just say please don’t be ashamed of your body, like a pp said you’ve achieved something others would be grateful to have the strength and discipline to do, and does anyone else’s opinion really matter? Nothing can dull the shine of your achievement.

From a totally different perspective I’ve just had a really serious health scare, this is going to lead to life changing surgery. I am not in ANY way trying to minimise the pain you felt from those comments based on my experiences, but…. Your stretch marks are a badge of pride not pain, embrace your bravery and don’t give a fuck what anyone else thinks, there is more to you then just your body x

My grandma used to say “opinions are like arseholes. Everyone’s got one but they should be kept covered up” and I think she was absolutely right!
I, like pretty much everyone I think, have had hurtful or tactless or sometimes downright rude comments made about my body by total strangers.
”Gosh, haven’t you got short, stumpy legs”
“My word, your shoulders are massive”
”what on earth is wrong with your face”
To be fair, what they said is true, but I can’t exactly grow myself longer legs or magically shrink my shoulders and my face is a medical condition which is treated but reoccurs.
It is hurtful op, I agree. But all you can do is focus on you. So, make sure you never say such awful, tactless shit to someone (I’m sure you wouldn’t). And be bloody proud of yourself! Op, you’ve lost five stone! Five!! That will have taken such a massive amount of hard work and dedication. Be proud of that. So you’ve got stretch marks? Haven’t we all? We’ve all got things we don’t like about ourselves, be it stretch marks or cellulite or stumpy legs or whatever. Without sounding corny, the key is to love yourself. Your body has done and continues to do amazing things. The fact that you don’t look like the insta filtered fake photos that we see everywhere doesn’t change that.

You're a lovely person, and if you were my friend I'd give you a great big hug. You're completely right, and it's so sad how people are happy to put these things out. I'm glad you've got pride in it because you should do. People don't know the ins and outs of these things, and the pain.

Have a look at scar tattoos. They're weirdly so nice - now we've done having kids I'm almost tempted myself. Grass and stems in the marks, it's lovely.

But back to how people speak? I think it's bad upbringing. As you say, you're taught not to say that kind of thing. When people do, well...I think they must have been dragged up.

If you'd ever like to message me, please feel free. ❤️ (so terribly unMN I know)

I'm so sorry this happened. It makes me so angry. No-one has the right to make you feel shit about yourself. We teach our kids that we don't comment on other people's bodies but it seems too many adults never got this message. Please, please don't let this stop you from going for important appointments like your smear; even if you need to get angry and frame it in your mind as 'how dare those rude cowbags potentially interfere with my health'.

I got massive stretch marks up my thighs and mostly my hips as a teenager; they were so, so red, really wide and completely obvious. I'll never forget the shock on a lad's face when my top rode up and he asked really quietly what happened to me. I told him I was scratched by a tiger and I think I managed 30seconds before bursting out laughing at the look of awe on his face. Teenage boys are idiots but thankfully he was very sweet. They've faded into thin silvery lines these days that you can feel if you run your hands over my hips, but I remember thinking they'd never go. I didn't get a single one when I was pregnant so I like to think my skin had already done it's stretching in preparation.

@harveyGaskellsMoll I love a good book so thank you very much for the recommendation.

I also hope your upcoming surgery goes aswell as it can and your health recovers. It is what matters most. But a healthy mind is just as important. I need to work on that!