To say that adult friendships aren’t worth the effort?

[MellowSwan]

It feels like maintaining adult friendships takes too much work and stress, especially when we all have busy lives. AIBU to think friendships aren’t worth the effort once you hit a certain age?

As long as the "my little family" types aren't faux horrified when us lonely folk are found, I guess it's all good.

hugs to any lonely folk in need.

Wow. I don't know how old you are, OP, but I'm in my fifties and I really, really value my friends. They add so much to my life and they are definitely worth the effort.

I get that everyone is different but I can't help but feel that anyone who thinks like this just needs some better friends!

As I've got older I've come to the same conclusion OP. People just aren't worth the effort.

My friends definitely are worth the effort! So maybe you've just been putting effort into the wrong people!

I don’t agree at all! I live in a different country to my family and my friends are my whole support network - I was ill last weekend and my husband was away and my friend arrived on my doorstep first think in the morning and took my kids out for the day, while another friend came round and brought me food and looked after me and put my kids to bed when they came back !

there’s no work or hassle involved to keep the friendships going !

had my friend round the other evening she helped herself to tea and snacks and made one for me as I was trapped feeding my baby on the sofa in my pjamas ! She folded my laundry for me too - not seeing where the stress with friends like that is

Bloody hell no, I disagree all the way! I count my important friendships as one of the things that anchor me.

Also totally disagree ... my friends are wonderful and it's not 'an effort' to maintain the relationship.... maybe you are meeting the wrong sort of people?
I've moved quite a bit and wouldn't know what I'd do without friends, I find it quite easy to make new friends, happy to join organisations, groups etc.
My mother (90+) has moved into a care home and has made a lovely bunch of new friends ... I think it's really important to have a group of friends not necessarily a 'bestie' once you are over 12 but like minded people you enjoy sharing your time with.
So many people complain they are lonely and 'can't make friends' ... perhaps it's them?
Children grow up and leave home, parents die ... you or your partner will (probably) be left on your own at some point ... what will you do then?

Lots of people saying their friends are valuable, but can you also say you are valuable to your friends?

There are a bunch of studies that suggest the quality of your adult friendships moves the needle on your mental health and longevity more than the quality of your relationship with your partner so I’d think pretty carefully before deciding you don’t need them.

Ginger I would hope so, if the friendship seems easy going and 'reciprocal' in the sense of both of you making suggestions for meet ups, get togethers etc then presumably the friend also values the friendship and enjoys your company.

I have faded one or two people out over the years, and I have been faded out occasionally... no hard feelings or bust ups on either side but it just seemed that the friendship had run its course.

Aim totally agree with you, I mentioned my 90+ mother earlier, she was widowed after 60 years of marriage but had always kept up a strong friendship group and, although obviously sad, was never miserable or lonely & continues to make new friends.

I have. Its me.

I hope so (think so) but if not what do I lose?

This isn’t a trade agreement: you don’t have to have a totally exact reciprocal agreement.

If they are people who you hang out with who enhance your life what is the problem?

I'm tending to agree with you, OO - though admittedly that's after a recent bout of what I feel to be my 'friends'' taken-for-granted my time and availability.

Some examples ...

Friend A initially invited me over for fizz and cake for my birthday but then cancelled as her dh gad to be elsewhere (...???). She then said she'd take me to a cafe for tea and cake instead. She turned up on the day saying she didn't want to drive so would I (an hour each way!). Got there, there, I had to pay for my own food.

Friend B (again) forgot my birthday. She appeared to forget she had forgotten it last year as well.

Arranged a zoom call to catch up with Friend C last night at 6:30pm as was going out at 7:45pm and needed to get ready, etc. He had initially suggested 7:30pm which I couldn't do.
10 mins beforehand, he asked to push it back to 7pm (okay I thought, it'll be a rush for me but we could perhaps have a shortened call). Then 10 minutes before 7pm, he messaged to say '7:30pm?' Erm ... no ... we'd already discussed that I couldn't do this when we arranged 6:30pm and was I fuck going to hang around and wait until he manipulated the situation to suit his preferred option of 7:30pm.

Friend D forgot a really significant birthday of mine last year. Often says we'll meet up but when I give her dates, I hear nothing back.

Btw, I'm now giving up on friends and birthdays. I never forget theirs but sod that now.

@Beezknees yes that's true, but even if the DC move away we would still stay in touch, visit and support each other. So far it is the friends that have disappeared not the DC. Also I'm a person who is happy to get out and about doing things in my own company so I don't rely on anyone else for a social life. A nice chatty phone call from the DC once a week is enough for me.

I love my friends but you do need to invest in these relationships. Only calling up when you want something will doom them to failure. Everyone has their ups and downs and occasionally you will get someone that takes the piss totally.

Absolutely. Yet still people tell themselves they don’t need friends because they have a partner. It’s lunacy.

I disagree.

It depends on the friends.

Most of my friendships provide a lot of pleasure and support and aren't demanding at all. I do have one friendship that is very draining.

Friends important. Think its unhealthy just relying on a partner.. my circle not big but good to have them. I had crap friendships too though.

I love my family and adore them. But what would life be without friends?

That's fair enough, I want to be out enjoying myself though and I can't expect my DC to always come with me! I love having my friends to socialise and spend time with.

Yep, agreed. I can't be bothered to be honest.
Surprisingly, I have a lot of different friends/different groups, and I feel like as soon as I've seen them all I have to start again.
I've always been the type to be too generous and easily cajoled into things. Thought I might have changed but I get used by friends the same at nearly 40 as I did at 8! 😂😩
For money, favours, and now childcare. I wouldn't dream of asking them for anything.
Secretly, I'd be much happier without the majority of my friends.
I don't know how to end friendships though. If anyone has any strategies send them my way.
I probably sound really horrible 🫣
I'm not- I'd rather spend my free time spending time with my DD and have more time for hobbies.

My friends date back 40 plus years so doesn’t take any effort at all.