To say that adult friendships aren’t worth the effort?

[MellowSwan]

It feels like maintaining adult friendships takes too much work and stress, especially when we all have busy lives. AIBU to think friendships aren’t worth the effort once you hit a certain age?

Could not disagree more with this. The older you get, the more important friends become in my view.

I see so many posts on here from people who have ditched friendships because they are hard or involve “drama” or because they now have “my little family”. It’s desperately unwise to drop your friends because you have a partner and kids.

Yes it hard and harder than it was. Yes you have to make an effort and sometimes go out when it’s cold and you can’t really be arsed.

But it’s insurance for your future.

Theres nothing more depressing than the lives of people who only see their spouses. It’s a miserable, closeted, small minded existence. You need outside perspective. You need distraction and different points of view. And critically you never know what the future holds. Nearly half of marriages break down and sadly people die. Lose friends at your peril.

The thing is, people have different definitions of the word friend, a lot on here seem to regard a casual acquaintance as a friend, but to me, a true friend is a proper support through thick and thin, who you can confide in about absolutely anything and who gets you and you care deeply for, almost like a sibling whom you have chosen. Similar life experiences etc. These types of friends are very rare to find and most people probably don’t have more than one friendship like that if they were honest.

Most adult friendships are formed out of convenience and are fleeting. When I’ve met people as an adult, we get on in one context, but don’t talk or see each other outside of that. It’s easy to become cynical and disenfranchised and stop bothering when you start to realise how hard it is to find someone who is actually willing to build a meaningful friendship. I don’t bother anymore myself as I can’t be arsed to take the time to get to know someone for nothing and I suspect many feel the same.

I've got very little family left so my friends, particularly my BF, is hugely important to me. We're quite different but I love her very much. She pretty much saved me when I was very low. I'd never be too dependent on anyone, though. Your most important relationship should be with yourself.

I’ve just lost my best friend deservedly as I put in fuck all effort. I’m in my 30s and suddenly found giving people effort when I had nothing to give just impossible. I don’t know how I feel, guilty but if I’d have cared I wouldn’t have let it slide?

I’m on the fence with this one!!!

How did the friendship end?

Friendships seem to get harder to start and maintain as the years go by, but good friends are worth the time and effort.

My female friends are worth the effort to me. I’m thankful that I maintained my friendships as otherwise my partner dying would have been even more traumatic.

Are your friends a bit shit OP?

Mine are fabulous.

I'm not sure I'd want to be someone's insurance for the future. I'd much rather they told me they don't want to go out in the cold / dark etc and we figure something out that works for both of us. It isn't much of a friendship if one person actually doesn't want to be there.

There's also an argument for not doing the things you don't want to do, try new things (with existing friends or without) and opening yourself up to new experiences and new friendships.

If that’s how you feel it means you’ve got bad friends. I have a small circle now but our friendships are low maintenance. We all have husbands, babies, work. We can’t text all day or phone every evening. But when we meet up every couple of months we have a great catch up and they are like family to me.

I have had to ditch a few bad apples that expect to much of my time and can’t understand I have a life, or bring drama to my peace.

I've been massively let down by people who I thought were friends who dropped me like a hot brick the one time I needed their support. I can't see the point bothering now. I'm perfectly happy in my own company.

I think yabu but that is from my point of view as someone with no close family.

if I did have no friends I would literally spend weeks/months alone as my team at work all work from home

My friendships feel effortless. It doesn't matter how long we spend apart, we fall back into place when we see each other again. But then my friends are lovely, maybe yours aren't.

This. If its work they aren't friends

I'd really hate to be seen as anyone's "insurance"

Kids grow up but they come back. Mine have moved out but we meet up regularly and I get on better with them than anyone else in this world. There's no one else in the world who loves me unconditionally like they do.

In my 50s. Seeing schoolfriends tonight. Another friend who has just moved at the weekend. Trying to coordinate busy calendars for pre-Christmas meet-ups with another couple of groups of friends.

I'm single and childless. Parents both dead. Friends are hugely important.

In general, I agree, but do think it’s worth trying to hold onto friends if you have good ones (at any age, really). I’ve always struggled with relationships and friendships and sometimes I do feel like just completely throwing the towel in, though. I only have one friend who doesn’t feel like hard work (we go way back to middle school), but I’m unlikely to see her in person again for a long time.

I have better, more important friends now, in my mid 50s than I ever had when I was young.

I don't necessarily think it's realistic to expect friendships to last a lifetime and yes, while busy with a young family it's probably one of the things to let go, when everything's too hard, but I'd hate to be without my friends now, as a single middle aged woman with grown up children.

What is the ‘effort’ you find so difficult? I don’t think friendships involve much effort of any kind.

Theyre worth it, especially when times get rough.

Why do new posters keep posting these kinds of questions?
If it's for essays or articles, would AI not just be better?

I was called out for being a shit friend and just never replied to again. All my fault really, I was bang to rights. I apologised but she was right.

@godmum56 @WasThatACorner maybe “insurance” isn’t the right word.

But I strongly believe that keeping your social circle alive is critical to good mental health, self confidence and healthy aging.

At the starkest level it’s dangerous to be too dependent on one other person, for sure and you will be incredibly vulnerable if your marriage breaks down. But it’s also a much wider psychological benefit.

Having a social life which starts and ends with your spouse and children shuts people’s minds down, ages them prematurely and often leaves them horribly emotionally dependent.

Everyone has come across these desperate older couples where they can’t function without one another: people become used to treating their spouse as a crutch and lose all their sense of their being a life outside.

It’s an awful life. Better to be single than be hopelessly reliant on one person for everything.

Where's the effort? Roughly once a month one of us sends a text, "Fancy a pint?". We pick a day and go for a pint. We enjoy. Rinse and repeat with more or less frequency depending on closeness of friendship / busy-ness of lives / need for support.

Means I end up out with some set of friends about once a week. It's not exactly onerous.