To say that adult friendships aren’t worth the effort?

[MellowSwan]

It feels like maintaining adult friendships takes too much work and stress, especially when we all have busy lives. AIBU to think friendships aren’t worth the effort once you hit a certain age?

when times get rough you find out who your friends really are.

Being “insurance” feels so impersonal. I would hate to just be used as insurance. Surely that kind of utilitarian concept of human beings just stinks?

I think you are conflating two things there. The first is becoming over reliant on one person which i agree is never a good idea, and the second is having the kind of social environment that suits the individual. I never had children and my husband is dead. You would consider my circle of friends unhealthily small and ditto my social situation. I didn't go to pieces when my husband died, I don't feel that I am aging prematurely or am emotionally dependent "horribly" or otherwise. I agree that I may be an outlier on the social needs spectrum but we do exist. When my husband died I was inundated with suggestions for support groups, choirs, coffee mornings...pretty much you name it. If I didn't want these things before my husband died, why would I want them afterwards?

Yeah, but you never know what could happen in the future. They might move. My friend's child lives in Australia now. I wouldn't want my DS to feel like he couldn't spread his wings because I didn't have anybody else to spend time with.

My friends are my family. I couldn't cope without them. It took me until my late 20s/early 30s to really find my tribe though. I value their advice and support so much.

YABU. I love my friends and couldn’t live without them. We have been there for each other through some really tough times.

Insurance it definitely is not.

IME you lose your friends when you're circumstances change and/or times are hard.

I had what I thought as a great group of friends when I was married, and I gave a lot to maintaining that group, in hindsight more than I should have done.

When DH died they all but disappeared overnight and from the threads on here at the time, that's a really common experience.

I have different friends now, who are very important to me, but the old ones added to my trauma by disappearing when I needed them most, they certainly weren't insurance.

I haven’t spoke to my brother for 2 years, he never even acknowledged the birth of my child. My friends make the biggest fuss of my children and I speak to them every day. I’d be so sad to feel how you do, but I guess it’s circumstantial

This is me . I have 2 groups of friends who don't live on the doorstep so we arrange meals / weekends away .
I have for the last year joined social groups to try and make local friends but it's proving really hard . People are very responsive talking about get togethers and saying they want to create friendships but in reality put very little effort into it , always cancelling , flaky , non committal , hugely disappointing

It would be useful to hear about where you’re at in life to give some context to your views, but I think they’re a little foolish. Are you married? How old? Etc.

You always need friends, always, always, always.

I'm 53, live a long away from family, single, disabled and unable to work, and if I didn't have my fantastic group of friends then I'd have no reason to get up in the morning.

Also disagree. My friendships are worth the effort. We’re all over the place these days, the length and breadth of the country, but great times when we get together (individually or as a group).

I guess you have a partner and probably kids too?

If so, you are speaking from a very privileged position.

My Dad died suddenly when he was 53. My Mum had no close friends to speak of because she hadn’t really made the effort to keep them up. My brother and I had left home. She really regretted how small she had allowed her world to become.

Isn't that the other way round?

The threads from people whose kids don’t need them so much any more or have left home altogether, and who realise they don’t have any friends left & aren’t sure how to make new ones, are always very sad.

After my divorce my friends were an utter godsend.

I find that a strange attitude. We have fantastic friends that we love. We are exceptionally close to some of them and they’re more important than family to us.

It can be difficult to arrange, especially if you both have young kids and no partners to leave them with.

A couple of hours to meet after work for a coffee and chat isn’t a huge chore if you have a supportive partner to sort the kids out.

If you both have kids and no partners, then find an activity (even just a walk) that they can come too.

YANBU
I don't have anyone I would call a really close friend through choice. I have been burned a few times so I have had fair weather friends through the years and this works better for me. I am someone that's ok with their own company (even if it's shit!!). Only you can really know how you feel about not making the effort with friends and whether its worth it.

@godmum56

You are conflating two things here.

Possibly yes. I just see this through the discussions on here where people seem to have quite a binary view where it’s friends vs family.

I have lost count of the times I have read posts from people who claim they don’t need friends because they have a partner or husband. (There’s a couple on this thread). As if the partner alleviated the need to think about friends. It’s very pervasive. My perspective is that this is short sighted and dangerous.

I don’t have any judgment whatsoever on people for having small friendship groups. I just think it’s incredibly important to have more than one source of comfort and support in your life.

I’m quite happily friendless, I’ve got too much to focus on with the kids, the house, the animals and the partner. They fulfil my need for social contact and close relationships, I don’t really need to look outside my family for that tbh. Always wonder if others are just lacking in their own family lives that they need a plethora of other people to fulfil their social needs or if I’m just incredibly introverted.

except that the real/full quote is pretty much the opposite "The blood of the covenant is thicker than the water of the womb" i.e. the relationships you choose are more important/stronger than the ones you don't have any say over

It depends what you mean by "busy lives" and what order you prioritise things in
I can understand putting friendships below partner/children (although personally think it's risky and can lead to a bit of a limited life)
and also to some extent work, as in you have to work to live.
Same with housework - some (cooking, washing, basic cleaning) is a necessity
So if you are literally to the bone then it's understandable friendship is the one thing that could be given up to survive

But if you have some spare capacity that you spend working hours of overtime or having a perfectly sparkling clean house or going to the gym every day or watching shit tv, or faffing around on MN then usually I would say friendship is as/more worth prioritising than those

Your friendships aren't worth it either because you/your friends/both are poor quality friends, no reason that should apply to the rest of us

My friendships are what has kept me going through the worst few years. Literally last night went for dinner with a work friend and laughed, cried, and analysed all the ridiculous nonsense in our lives. Invaluable to me.

I know lots of people, I have very few friends, and i feel lonely sometimes but I think it's important to maintain friendships.

My dad is 74, my mum died a few years and now he's all on his own with no one else to socialise with other than us 4. He is lonely!

YADNBU. Glad for those who have friends who are genuine, fun, supportive and have stuck around. I have no family and have joined groups, clubs, voluntary work, a gym, night classes and been neighbourly only to be turned away, or met very nice but flaky people and used again and again. Good enough to be there, do favours for and help out but otherwise forgotten. People who seemed nice and friendly but eventually it became one sided. Yet so many complain of loneliness and no community.

Even the Samaritans doesn't truly want people. I became a volunteer but apart from a few, it was so competitive, anti-social, cliquey and poisonous in branch that most of us newbies left them to it. As an NHS worker I don't need a further kicking. I loved most of the calls though. My experience is groups of friendly people don't exist. At best it's transactional and situational.

I regret wasting my life on the wrong people who didn't care when the chips were down. I quietly dropped the rope and nobody noticed. Better to be lonely and have some self-respect doing things I enjoy. At least I can say I couldn't have tried harder.

Feel sorry for anybody in this position.