Nursery asking me to collect when my DS is not sick

[DDragon]

I know this has been raised before but I'm feeling a little stressed.

My 18 month old DS started nursery last month.

He picked up a cold first week (had a high temperature) so needed to be collected and I had to take 3 days off work to look after him. Which work were understanding of.

He had what turned out to be a throat infection last week so was off another handful of days. Also understandable and work made accommodations.

I received a call today saying that my DS was very upset and nothing they could do would settle him. The nursery asked me to collect him, I've pushed back and asked them to see how he does til after lunch but I have work that's been pushed back from last week that I cannot move.

I appreciate when they are sick there's not much I can do. I just feel like I don't want to set a precedent to both my DS and the nursery that if he's not sick but unsettled that I can drop everything to collect him.

Did nobody mention after starting nursery he will be ill for months?
Often at home more than in Nursery

I sympathise. Also, nurseries vary massively. when my little one started nursery, she obviously picked up everything going. I had just started a new job (who are AMAZING and family friendly) but you still have the guilt (and the catching up). my DH is paid per hour, so if he doesn't work, he doesn't get paid, whereas my employer don't 'mind' and my pay isn't affected as I can catch up with my work. However, we went through a phase where they would ALWAYS call on a Friday afternoon (4 consecutive weeks she was sent home with HFM that never materialised). I eventually went in for a chat with the nursery manager that I found it quite odd that it was always on a Friday and always around 2pm they called. I had my suspicions they were trying to reduce the numbers so that staff could finish early. Since then, they only call if she is actually poorly, so I do think some nurseries over play things in the hope they can palm off some children, and I do sometimes think that parents who always rush to pick up become easy first calls on the list in those situations. And we're lucky that they will call and ask if I want them to give Calpol, which normally sorts her out to be fair.
being a working Mum is a minefield, you can't do right for doing wrong, you either worry you're letting your child down or you worry you're letting work down. It does get easier when they get a big bigger and their immune system kicks up a gear.
However, I'm not sure I could 100% focus on my work knowing my DD was that upset even the staff couldn't settle her. I always found offering to WFH in the evening if I had to leave to get her, helped buy good grace with my company, if that's an option for you.

This often happens at nurseries. My friend took her child out after so many months of sickness. What about a childminder or nanny?

DS will torment me with this forever. I made him go to school when he said he felt sick. He made it through the day and projectile vomited in the supermarket on the way home

This. Ladies used to get very upset at work when I asked them to get their. husband/partner to take their turn at being off work for choldcare reasons.

Why is your husband “helping with childcare” this is really odd wording for a father?!

By helping with child care. I mean picking up and dropping off at nursery.

As I've previously said. My husband is working over 2 hours away every day for the next couple of weeks.

Once he's finished the handover in person. He'll be working from home 3 days a week and we will be splitting drop off and pick ups evenly.

Why can't they give Calpol?! My nursery give Calpol first off for temperature/illness and keep an eye and let me know if she doesn't get any better

This is a husband problem...

Probably because children with infections should be at home rather than passing it on to everyone else?

I agree, it’s so hard.

Op @DDragon I think you’re right to have pushed back on this occasion. There’s no evidence that he’s sick, and being unsettled one day isn’t going to harm him.

See how he is tomorrow.

I think you do need to push back a bit because you don’t want to set the precedent that you’ll collect at the drop of a hat.

Yes, but what about the illness before this. And the one before that, neither of which he had the excuse of his new job for?

Is this new job the one after his career break? If so he was still on it when you took off the previous 2 bouts of illness.

But there's no indication there's an infection. They could be teething? They could have a cold? They could just have a random headache the same as we sometimes get.

Why? OP's already said hes srated a new job and working 2 hours from home? MN just blames men regardless, mental!

Nursery were wrong to call you if he was just unsettled OP. Its the absolute pits being a working Mum and having additional stress of child + illnesses. My work are pretty easy going but that first year of childcare I used to be in tears at the amount of times I had to 'wfh' with kid in tow. Thought they'd sack me at any point - they didnt obv. The number of ilnesses slowly subside as the years go by though thankfully

Nurseries shouldn't randomly be administering painkillers on the off chance a baby might be in pain.

But then they also shouldn't be calling up mums saying "your baby's crying so come pick them up". That's a nursery's job, that's why you pay them.

Thank you!

I didn't realise that a post made in a time of stress would turn into a character assassination of my husband and myself.

I know I opened myself up to feedback by posting in AIBU but some of the replies are bringing their own baggage with them!

I know childminders get a rough ride on here OP, but a childminder was the best thing we even did (granted ours was an absolute angel) she had two other children as well as my daughter, so she didn't pick up as many bugs/illnesses, she was much more relaxed about snotty noses and Calpol etc. and if my daughter was unsettled she's be able to sit and give her a good cuddle until she settled.

I also found she napped better as she was able to sleep in a proper cot/bed, they spent lots of time outside at the park, on the big field behind her house looking for conkers, she would paint, draw, colour, bake it was the perfect environment for her! If you can find a good childminder your life will be much easier based on our experience.

What exactly did you expect when you let your child to nursery? Yes, they pick up germs and spend quite a long time at home. Arrange for a sitter or a nanny on some days it's inevitable. YABU it's a small child if they can't calm them down of course you need to pick them up obviously they are not well.

Presumably your husband isn't tying himself in knots over this though is he? He's just carrying on with his day because he's at work and he can't possibly come home. That's the point I'm trying to make. he's just assuming it's your problem. Perhaps it is my own baggage but it is a massive issue that nurseries always phone mum first and in the vast majority of couples the mother is the one whose career and sanity suffers in these scenarios.

Not read all the comments but agree that nursery should not call you to ask to collect unless the child is ill. Also should give calpol. From other threads it sounds like some nurseries are too quick to call. It was very rare when mine were in nursery. If they aren’t there then they can’t learn to settle. It’s not surprising they are felling a bit unsettled if being unwell has meant they’ve had a couple of unplanned breaks from it soon after starting. Unfortunately that often happens as they are suddenly exposed to lots of germs. Hopefully it all settles down.
Sometimes mumsnet seems to think you have to be superwoman. You have to have a job in case your DP does the dirty on you (I agree with this as know many this has happened to) but your child must come before absolutely everything (they are the highest priority but there needs to be some balance considered).
I agree with you OP and sorry you’ve been bashed.

You are certainly not unreasonable in this instance. Your baby boy is not will.

However he is terribly young to be attending a nursery, frankly.

He’s probably coming down with something and not feeling well. For us was like this for about 1.5-2 yrs when first started nursery - a week on a week off; 2 weeks on a week off. It’s tough

It's really rubbish, but I think it's often like this for the first few months when your children start a new setting. Mine are a teen and a tween now, but I still remember the sheer frustration of them being sent home from nursery, when you are trying to hold down a job. I once had specifically booked DD in on an extra day so I could go to london for a conference. On the day of the conference she was ill, so I couldn't send her, and I'd paid flipping extra for the privilege! 😵‍💫🤦🏼‍♀️

It does improve, but at time it's a nightmare.