Nursery asking me to collect when my DS is not sick

[DDragon]

I know this has been raised before but I'm feeling a little stressed.

My 18 month old DS started nursery last month.

He picked up a cold first week (had a high temperature) so needed to be collected and I had to take 3 days off work to look after him. Which work were understanding of.

He had what turned out to be a throat infection last week so was off another handful of days. Also understandable and work made accommodations.

I received a call today saying that my DS was very upset and nothing they could do would settle him. The nursery asked me to collect him, I've pushed back and asked them to see how he does til after lunch but I have work that's been pushed back from last week that I cannot move.

I appreciate when they are sick there's not much I can do. I just feel like I don't want to set a precedent to both my DS and the nursery that if he's not sick but unsettled that I can drop everything to collect him.

There was a world that existed once without mobile phones or easy ways to contact people ( and certain jobs still have no easy phone access now, my job included) so I don’t think you are unreasonable to say that. However I’d just be aware that this situation is likely to come up time and time again so trying to work out fair time taking between parents ( or looking into other support) is crucial as often it will fall on mum!

if your child is inconsolable - why would you want them to stay there? that sounds unusual if usually the nursery handle upsets etc.

100% agree with this! And not being able to give Calpol (for eg. teething) is ridiculous. With fever, of course you have to collect but teething might drag on for weeks. I would look for another nursery as you might face a very stressful few years if they are so unreasonable.

If he's inconsolable he needs collecting. He's not well as in he's not himself. You or your husband need to go get him

I know some other nurseries locally have the same rule, especially the bigger chain nurseries.

Our nursery calls you to get permission, gives Calpol, then will call again in 30 minutes if they’re still unhappy.

If they had a temp, rash, sickness, or other signs of illness then they’d insist on picking up. But if it was just upset, complaining about teeth or something they were more than happy to see if Calpol fixed it and then ‘encourage’ you picked them up as early as possible.

Dad needs to step in. You’ve had enough time off and your job is not less important than DH.

Not ideal as he’s started a new job, but children come first. DH started a new job a few months ago and his first week I was in agony with a sinus infection, dizzy, feeling sick, on antibiotics and in bed off sick. DS came down with D&V and DH had to take time off on his first week at a new job because I was too unwell to care for DS, I also couldn’t drive as I was so woozy with the infection, so he was the one who’d had to go and collect DS from nursery when they called. It happens when you have kids. Yes, it’s crap timing but can’t be helped. We either alternate absences (so DH takes time off for one and I do the next etc - which is what we’d be doing in your situation) or if it’s going to be 2+ days off we’ll split it, so I take a day, DH takes a day.

But your child must be in awful distress for nursery to call - it’s literally their job to be able to soothe and calm upset kids, so when they call and say they can’t you know it’s bad. Someone needs to get him and if not you, your DH. He comes first.

You do have my sympathy, it is so hard and I’ve been there (am still there!). But both parents need to step in not just one, especially where there’s no other support for grandparents etc nearby.

It's your husband's turn. Totally appreciate that it doesn't look good taking time off in your first few weeks, but it's no better to take time off 3x in one month.

Ours do this. They call and ask permission for Calpol to be given, and then after an hour if no improvements or temp hasn’t gone down we have to collect. Or, if it goes down with Calpol but comes back as wearing off then we have to go. We’re also allowed to drop off and say DS has had Calpol for teething/bit under the weather (cough and cold etc) etc but he’s fine now it’s kicked in, sign a form to say what time we gave it and how much, and then hand them the bottle and sign to say they can give more at X time if needed. They’ll only give up to one dose I think and if that doesn’t sort DS we have to collect. We did it a few times with teething.

It’s really tricky when you have to balance work. Personally I couldn’t settle at the thought of my little one being upset and wanting me, and I’d have to go and get him. My little boy had hand foot and mouth a while back and the ulcers in his mouth made him so uncomfortable he barely ate for days. even after he physically recovered it took a good while for him to be back to his normal self and he was really clingy and couldn’t settle back into nursery. So I gave him a bit if extra time off and then phased him
back in with shorter days. I was lucky as my work is flexible and also have my Mum round the corner who could help.

Doesn’t sound like he’s had much chance to ‘usually feel happy at nursery’ given he only started last month and has been off 3 times.
First option would be to do what you’ve done OP and ask them to see how it goes, second option get another caregiver to collect - ie husband, grandparent (we don’t have grandparent help but if we did we would freaking use it!).

Hmm just seen your updates re above solutions. I’d leave him there a couple more hours and see. Round here lots of parents work 90mins away for example (London), so wouldn’t be able to collect right away anyway.

It’s tough OP, we found that we had to write the first 3months off once DCs started nursery, coughs,colds, HF&M, chickenpox,D&V, covid & general bugs. We kept catching it too and it spread round the other DCs. It should all settle down by spring but just be prepared for him to catch it all and you have to be there. Sending them home or refusing entry with conjunctivitis was the worst as GP always said take them in there’s nothing you can do, but nursery wouldn't have it and of course still charge you even if they’ve been absent. The upside is they will be immune to lots when they start school. It’s hard but you just have to take time off. If your employers have kids they already know this from their own experiences

Your (and your partner’s) duty is to your child. Well, it shouldn’t even be a duty, should it? Your child needs you. I very much doubt the nursery are making this up. Possibly he’s gone on to develop an earache or sinus problem, or, indeed, the ‘cold’ was actually Covid so it’s persisting and on to its next unpleasant stage.

Obviously, it’s unfortunate that he’s been ill for a while necessitating you taking time off work, but that’s the way of it with young children. You and your partner need to juggle work and looking after your DC. He’s still pretty much a baby.

I don’t really understand most of these replies. Yes, super frustrating to miss work during start of with sickness and upset. But it’s totally normal and will settle. In the meantime I would be so angry if nursery did not call me if my child was distressed and couldn’t be settled. Of course I’d collect!

How can you know it's "teething"? Parents blame every symptom (upset stomach, fever, rashes) on teething.
Most childcare providers won't give any non-prescribed medicine now.

You're not being unreasonable.

My two youngest are in nursery at the moment.

I have long suspected that nursery makes up illnesses.

Two weeks ago I had to pick up our daughter from nursery as apparently she had 3 x runny poos. She was banned for 48 hours.

She was skipping and dancing on the way home. Bubbly and chatty, her usual self. Her poos were completely normal at home.

Entirely depends upon your job.
I couldn't just drop everything and run.

It's so tough.
A nursery who gives calpol is worth its weight in gold, even if its to make the little one feel better while you're on your way.
It does sound like they're brewing something though sadly - winter is shit!

Sounds v frustrating but hard to know whether nursery are being reasonable or not until you see him.
I remember our nursery caused me to drop everything at work and fly home because my son ‘had a nosebleed that wouldn’t stop’ . I was totally panicking but when I got there it was a runny nose that had a tiny streak of blood in it….

The first 3-6 months of them being in nursery are full of constant sickness and phone calls to take them home. During covid it was trips to the test drive through for every temp too to prove it was teething not covid.
Its not an easy time but it'll get easier once he's built himself up a bit against bugs. Nursery is just one big petri dish of germs!
If they ask you to collect him I think you just have to.

So frustrating! But your husband needs to do half of these call outs. Your child will settle and it will get better, but it is a nightmare for the first few months.

Probably an ear infection. Common after a run of infections and often the first symptom
is them being unsettled. My son is prone to them and when he was that age he was generally inconsolable for a day, no high temp etc, but the drum would burst that night.

However, if you are told to collect your child, you collect your child. The nursery isn’t a co-parent with equal responsibility. If you refuse to collect, they will phone emergency contacts. If they won’t come, they will phone social services. Nursery are under no obligation to parent your child because you can’t take time off. I get it, I went through it too, but you cannot refuse to collect your child or provide medical care to them.

I think in this case you are being a bit unreasonable, although I appreciate that paying nursery to not look after your child while you are not at work is a total pain.

From what you say, your DS started nursery last month, but has missed about 2 full weeks in that time due to illness. How many days has he actually attended the full day (not a settle session or collected early due to illness)?

I think nurseries generally have a pretty high threshold for calling parents due to general distress. But in a period where he's still really settling in, if your DS is really inconsolable, isn't it better to pick him up than have him continue to cry for hours and make an association that nursery is an awful distressing place?

This is why I changed my job when I had children.

Children come first - end of.

If you don't have a reliable back up network, it's only going to get harder for you sadly. I still work evenings and husband works days. There's always one of us available to do pick up/drop offs/evening plays/performances etc etc. Yes, I don't earn as much as i would have done in my 'proper' career, but I'm also not paying out for childcare, which if you don't have a reliable back up network, you're going to be spending a fortune on that once he hits school age.

If you don't go and collect him, you're merely setting a precedent that you think your career comes before your child. Rock and a hard place.

Theres no illness that’s obvious so asking to wait until lunch is fine in my book. If you ring up and check at lunch and he’s still not settled / have to collect them that’s totally fine.

It’s really tough OP, this does get better but the first few months are rough when starting a nursery.

Find a childminder. Honestly, my kids were well looked after and I only ever had to keep them home when unwell. If upset, she would take them for a walk or distract. I would rate a decent childminder over a nursery for sure. Also your kid doesn’t get sick as often as fewer children!