Nursery asking me to collect when my DS is not sick

[DDragon]

I know this has been raised before but I'm feeling a little stressed.

My 18 month old DS started nursery last month.

He picked up a cold first week (had a high temperature) so needed to be collected and I had to take 3 days off work to look after him. Which work were understanding of.

He had what turned out to be a throat infection last week so was off another handful of days. Also understandable and work made accommodations.

I received a call today saying that my DS was very upset and nothing they could do would settle him. The nursery asked me to collect him, I've pushed back and asked them to see how he does til after lunch but I have work that's been pushed back from last week that I cannot move.

I appreciate when they are sick there's not much I can do. I just feel like I don't want to set a precedent to both my DS and the nursery that if he's not sick but unsettled that I can drop everything to collect him.

My career does come equal to DS as news flash it pays for DS to actually live.

I think this time someone is going to have to pick him up as he's upset and they aren't doing anything about it.

Going forward I would take the medics view on it, is it self limiting -yes, is the child happy - yes.....sorry nursery I'm not picking him up it's a minor viral infection. If they don't give pain killers I would dose up with calpol + ibuprofen before dropping off. That's how I was raised and honestly it did me no harm. Our school wants them in with most things now anyway. I can remember nursery having a chicken pox outbreak and the head basically said if they are well + visibly mostly scabbed she wouldn't be checking, most only had 2-3days off.

The only time I got off was if I was too unwell to physically go to school which was rare.

That sounds tough and you have my sympathy, but I don't think they are unreasonable to ask you to pick your DC up if he is inconsolable.

If nursery that I work in gave Calpol without a signed parental consent form we'd lose our jobs.
It's not up to staff to willynilly administer Calpol.

The constant parental dilemma - I would not be able to continue working if I knew that my child was somewhere distressed enough for his carers to phone me.

Me neither. But I’d not be annoyed at nursery but find someone/anyone that could go get him.

Would perhaps agree with you with an older child. But he’s basically a baby. Can’t exactly reason out with him he has to suck it up…

I see where you are coming from but if he's very upset for a long period of time and nothing works to settle him it is more likely to indicate there is something else wrong and he'll need 1:1 attention, the nursery won't be able to release a staff member to only attend to him for the whole day and the extreme crying is disturbing and unsettling for other children.

@GreenButterBlackBean I actually find it easier at a young age as they don't remember the upset. But at DS's age (11) he remembers and can use it as ammunition e.g. the upset stomach that lead to a sick pile on the stairs when I said see how you go.

I find the first few months at nursery are like this - you get to the point of thinking that there is just no way this can continue, and then it starts to get better. You just need to cash in all the good will you have with employers, family, etc, short term until it does. This is the hardest bit.

To all those giving the OP a hard time by saying that her child should be her priority over her job, do you not think that by working she is prioritising her child? You know by making sure that they have a roof over their head, clothing, food in their belly. I am currently a SAHM but I would never in my wildest dreams have the audacity to accuse a working parent of not prioritising their children.

OP, it may be worth taking your LO to the GP to make sure infection has cleared or not spread if this behaviour is unusual for him.

Does it really matter which one it is? The baby (an 18 month old really is still a baby - they lack the emotional or developmental capacity to speak and understand) is so upset the nursery staff can't settle them. They are professionals who are used to distressed children, so if they can't meet his needs then he shouldn't be there.

As hard as it is OP, you/someone in your family needs to pick up your child. Personally I think it's your OH's turn, but that's for you and him to figure out. Either way, someone needs to go and collect your baby

I’d look at the option of a nanny share until DC is 3, if that’s feasible for you OP. I was in a 3 family/3 baby’s share. Children looked after in my home or home of other charges. All very local with agreed, sensible procedures around sickness, thresholds for meds. I received ad hoc contact throughout day so no worrying.

Meanwhile nursery staff and all the other children are likely listening to your child scream. Your job isn’t more important than your child. Your husband wouldn’t be ‘taking time off’. He’d be attending to his unwell child.

If your child is unhappy or unwell enough for a nursery to call, you, or another primary carer, needs to be with them. That's the bottom line really. The rest will have to fit around.

No, I don’t actually. Prioritising your child is putting work second and going to collect them when they’re clearly distressed. No-one is saying she shouldn’t work, but her child should be the priority and she shouldn’t be arsed off at nursery phoning her because her child is distressed. Yes, it can be inconvenient but that’s part of being a parent.

If no concrete signs of illness I'd probably collect if DC had refused all offers of food/nap or if they'd had both those things and they'd made no difference.

Otherwise I'd ask nursery if they were prepared to try those first and then get back in touch if no improvement. I have actually done this in the past - 'inconsolable' DC2 cheered right up after a nap and a banana so I'm very glad I didn't just agree to collect straight away.

It’s very hard OP but it is one of those things that comes with childcare sadly. Has he settled at nursery in general? We were asked to collect DC2 fairly regularly because he was inconsolable when he started. Eventually after 6 months of this we moved him to a childminder and he’s never once been sent home from there, he strolls in very happily and has settled really nicely.

If he is settled at nursery you may just have to chalk this up to “one of those things” and hope it gets better. Either that or arrange a meeting with the manager to discuss what could be put in place to help him settle and also understand what their thought process is for sending him home I.e just how unsettled does he have to be to be sent home?

We don’t know the overall balance of labour between you and DH, OP. However like several PPs I am struck by how quick you are to dismiss the possibility that he step in.

No, taking leave during his induction period is not the greatest look, but I would think you are currently straining this more than DH would be by taking a day or two. Does he have a Big Important Job? Are you doing something completely routine? Are the differing responsibilities reflected in your salaries and ease of finding a similar position? Are you content at your present level? If all these questions are answered ‘yes’ it might make sense for you to absorb all criticism around child care. Otherwise, why isn’t DH doing more?

That sucks and must be very stressful, but you can't just leave him in nursery. He's likely still feeling rough and wants to go home.

Unfortunately like throws you curve balls sometimes. One of you will have to apologise to work and go get him.

Dad has either been really stupid here or is deliberately trying to escape responsibility.

The other illnesses were before his new job started, so presumably either he wasn't working or was working out his notice. Knowing that taking time off in a new job would be trickier he should have taken those illnesses freeing you up for when he's started this new job.

But no, seemingly you do the earlier ones because you're a when so they fall to you, and the same with these ones.

He needs collecting, he must be really upset for them to call. I totally understand your work issues but leaving him is cruel imo.

Thank you for all the messages (too many to reply to everyone individually!).

I realise I may not have been very clear in my original post, likely due to the stress of managing everything at that moment.

The nursery mentioned that our son seemed a bit unsettled and asked if I wanted to collect him if I was concerned, but they didn’t insist that I pick him up immediately. That’s why I asked if they could wait until after lunchtime.

Our son has been eating, drinking, sleeping, and using the bathroom normally. There’s no fever, rash, and it’s not teething-related since his canines have already come through.

My husband is helping with childcare and pick-ups, though he's currently commuting over two hours a day for work handover. Starting next month, he’ll be working from home three days a week, which will make things easier.

I was just asking if I was being unreasonable in not going right away. I know my son wants me in that moment but if I drop everything, it could lead to him expecting to come home when he asks.

My instincts are to go straight to him when he wants me and there is a huge amount of guilt not being able to do this for absolutely everything.

II had to look at this as pragmatically as I could in the moment. IMO there has to be a balance of giving him a little more time as some others have said.

My advice? Go get DS, request unpaid leave from work today & tomorrow and a meeting next week to discuss it. Better to be proactive with these things than also end up with them calling you in.

Sit your DH down tonight and agree that as you’ve done the last 3 weeks of illness at great cost to your job he will be ‘on duty’ for all illness in November. Once handover is done the first few months of a new job are mostly nodding and smiling anyway.

I may have not been clear. My husband is working over 2 hours away. 5 days a week for the next couple of weeks. He'll then be working remotely 3 days a week.

He actually took a 7 month career break to look after my son. Allowing me to go back to work after my maternity leave finished. I didn't want my son to go to nursery straight away and I wanted to go back to work. He did this without a 2nd thought. He hasn't escaped any responsibility. He's one of the good ones.

This tread reminds me why I had a nanny for the actual childcare and the sort of nursery just as a fun extra, not daycare.