DH: don't ever, ever, ever ask me that again.

[Limemouse]

If my DH doesn't pick up when I phone will always ask him, 'why didn't you pick up,' when he answers the second time or when he phones me back.
I admit I will always ask him and will always reply with either I didn't hear or I was busy.

Last week I asked him the same question and he told me I was annoying him with such infantile questions and it was better I never phone him again if I was going to ask that question again

i think he is being unreasonable. It's a standard question to ask.

I'm on his side here

Exactly, he’s either busy, couldn’t get to his phone or didn’t want to speak to you. Why do you need to know the answer to the question anyway? And how often are you calling him for this to be an issue?!

have not RTFT. If you asked me that i would be inclined never to pick up for you again.

Bloody hell. That would drive me bonkers.

If someone was ringing me repeatedly because I didn't pickup for whatever reason I'd shit myself when I noticed all the missed calls because I'd assume someone had bloody died or something

You are definitely being unreasonable. Sounds like you expect him to be at your beck and call or that you don’t trust him.

Out of interest, how often do you ring him? DH and I would only ever call in the day if it was an emergency. Otherwise we chat when we are at home together. What is so urgent it can’t wait or be communicated by message?

Stop being so needy

It really isn't a standard question. If someone dosen't answer your call immediately, the default assumption is that they are busy doing something else.

I suppose this is all about your tone, and your line of questioning. If it's a regular thing that you keep ringing and ringing until he picks up, instead of letting him call back in his own time, even if it's not imperative that you speak to him urgently, and then you immediately interrogate him in a slightly accusatory way then it's perfectly understandable that he would react like this.

If my DH has to swerve a call from me, or just doesn't hear it, the first thing he'll usually say when he calls back is 'sorry I didn't answer the phone' then gives the reason why. But I don't phone him for chats. I only phone him for things that can't really wait until he's home, or if he's been gone for so long that I am starting to worry something is up.

If your DH doesn't feel the need to offer an explanation before you ask for it, then perhaps you are ringing him too often for pointless reasons and it's getting on his nerves and wasting his time.

No, just no. It’s not a standard question and verges on controlling.

There’s an expectation for us to be immediately available these days. Same with messages, people expect you to be available to respond 24/7 at a whim. You are unreasonable on this one Op.

It's not a standard question to ask every time you phone. It's really irritating and sounds controlling or as if you don't trust him. Just stop doing it as he requests.

If I or my partner missed each other call, we probably answer the next call, saying sorry that we missed the call (and probably offer up why to without thinking) or we would call them back when we saw the missed call.

We don't phone each other often, so any call or missed call is likely to be something that is important or a bit urgent. Otherwise we just wait until we see each other. So I don't think it odd to ask, as long as you aren't calling them often about trival stuff and going to see them in person a few hours later.

Imagine a colleague or your boss doing this - wouldn’t you hate it?! That’s a clue to how he might feel.

Why are you ringing him so much? I speak with DH on the phone about twice a month, if that!

Oh god, everyone is saying YABU but both me and DP say "why didn't you pick up" if we don't answer the phone the first time. It's not checking up, or annoyed, or angry, it's just a lighthearted question, and an interest into what the other is doing with their day - but to be fair, neither of us are generally unable to answer, so when we can't, it is an interesting question to ask as something more interesting than usual must have been going on.

İf it was the other way round they'd tell you to LTB.

I never answer the phone first go because my phone only rings for about six seconds before going to VM and I don't want to take the VM off. People are always saying 'oh you don't answer your phone' and it's infuriating. İt's not a landline where you always know where it is and it can ring and ring until you get round to answering it. You also wouldn't expect someone to drop something and immediately answer you if you wanted a conversation in real life.

My compliments to your DH and give him my suggestion that he says 'I was on the shitter' every time you ask that question in the future.

Do you expect him to have the phone on him every second? I can guarantee I can have my phone on me for hours but the one minute I leave it will be the minute I get a missed call.

Do you also repeatedly say ‘are we there yet’ when on a journey?

🤣🤣🤣🤣 nailed it

It’s a ridiculous question to ask. What answer are you expecting? I was having lunch with Posh Spice. I was having open heart surgery. The reason he didn’t pick will be one of the following boring answers any human will give.

Didn’t hear it
Was busy
In the loo
Was talking to someone
working
driving
reading
Couldnt be arsed to talk to you.

Leave him alone and stop questioning him.

The thing is - why ask? If he was up to something that you didn't approve of, is he really going to tell the truth anyway? 'Sorry I didn't pick up straight away, I was shagging my boss/snorting some coke/on a gambling site losing my earnings'? Aren't they ALWAYS only going to say 'I was busy'?

So there is absolutely no earthly point in asking, other than to infuriate.

God almighty, if you can't see that this is beyond annoying you really need to get out more. Do you work or are you at home all day practising your control freakery? My mother used to always say "what were you doing" or "why didn't you answer" when she would randomly call me. But in her defence she was in her 80's and very lonely. Just ask yourself why another human being might not instantly pick up your call. Could it be because they are busy doing something else like talking to someone, driving, eating, taking a dump - you know, the normal things that people actually do. You sound like a spoilt child and I feel sorry for your DH.

Would be great if OP made a tally chart of these responses though...perhaps then she WNBU.

Would drive me crazy and I've asked my DH (because I thought I might do it) and it would drive him bananas if I constantly did it to him! He tells me I do occasionally 😂

You say it wouldn't bother you if he asked the same. It obviously bothers him......a lot. A really easy solution would be not to ask him as much, only if needed if time is of the essence etc.

This has got to be a reverse.

I think he is being unreasonable. It's a standard question to ask.

I think he is being reasonable. It's a stupid question to ask.