DH: don't ever, ever, ever ask me that again.

[Limemouse]

If my DH doesn't pick up when I phone will always ask him, 'why didn't you pick up,' when he answers the second time or when he phones me back.
I admit I will always ask him and will always reply with either I didn't hear or I was busy.

Last week I asked him the same question and he told me I was annoying him with such infantile questions and it was better I never phone him again if I was going to ask that question again

i think he is being unreasonable. It's a standard question to ask.

YABU

Come on OP- if you think he's unreasonable to ask to the point of starting a thread, I think you need to come up with a more compelling reason for asking than "just do"

If your husband were the one asking you this every time you didn't answer the phone immediately, it would be taken as a very sinister sign of coercive control.

Oh look, A FTP.

It really isn't a reasonable question. It's impatient, demanding and dictatorial. You are basically telling him that when you want his attention he needs to give it immediately or give you a good reason why not. I'd be more than irritated with anyone who questioned me that way and I think his response was fair. He'd rather not speak to you at all than have you say that. I don't blame him.

My mum was like this too. She died about a year ago and I do miss her but I really do not miss getting the third degree about why I didn't jump on every one of her 15 calls a day.

Do you have a lot of time on your hands and are you calling him at work?

He didn't pick up because he looked at his phone and thought "For fuck's sake, Limemouse, what now"? and took a minute to compose himself.

Seriously, years ago, before mobiles were ubiquitous, I had a manager who's husband (well-paid job but lots of "down time") would phone her several times a day just for a chat. Even though she'd repeatedly asked him not to phone her at work, it got to the stage where she'd see his number come up and ask me to answer and tell him she was in a meeting, stocktaking stationery, filing in the basement etc.

She felt it made her look unprofessional, maybe your DH thinks the same.

Surely it's obvious why he didn't pick up? Either he didn't hear the phone, or he was busy and couldn't get to it in time.
YABU

That would drive me to distraction. My mum does a similar thing. Then needs to know everyone's whereabouts (because they didn't pick up the phone either) and all the logistics about how they got there and how they will be getting back. I'm worn out once I'm through all the explanations and generally cut the call short, so we never get round to what she actually called for.

Why ask? He doesn't have to justify why he didn't answer the phone.

Why not just assume it wasn't convenient and just text him whatever you wanted to tell him instead?

To be honest it sounds irritating. Is there something bigger that you need to ask him?

It really isn’t ’a standard question to ask’. If you were posting that he was doing the same to you, I’d be asking if he was controlling / abusive in other ways and it’s not less worrying when a woman is doing it. Tracking one’s partner’s movements and activities and querying exactly why they aren’t instantly available is a red flag in a relationship.

If this is just a weird habit you’ve fallen into, he’s made it clear it bothers him so you need to stop.

But it clearly does bother him, @Limemouse, so why carry on doing it? If he was repeatedly doing something that bothered you, and you asked him to stop, wouldn't you expect him to hear you, and stop doing it?

I don’t think I have ever asked my DH this, equally I don’t think he has ever asked me. Surely it’s normal to miss calls from time to time and doesn’t warrant an explanation!

ironic that op hasnt replied in a timely manner

I’m not supposed to have my phone on at work unless it’s for a specific reason ( say a ill family member situation), so I have it on silent and just check for any messages at break times. My DH has a WFH job but it in constant back to back meetings so we just text when we can if it’s necessary or we send messages like “ are you free for a quick call?” If it’s during work time we are paid to work not just chitchat. Why the need to constantly check up on your DH never demanding an explanation when he doesn’t jump to take your call instantly, I would be telling you to stop as well or just turning my phone off completely.

One of my friends questions her husband (none to nicely) if he doesn't pick up the first time. She also rings his phone continuously until he does. It's exhausting to witness, so God knows what her husband feels like.

Omg I would find that infuriating. He must absolutely detest getting a phone call from her.

If my DP doesn't pick up it's because he's busy. He'll pick up if he's free.

Very annoying question with exactly the same reason every time. Wasn't able to.

Stop agitating him unnecessarily.

😂

Don’t you trust him? I assume it’s normal stuff like gone to toilet, working, driving, doing something else…
The only people who must always answer the phone work at 999 imo.

Rude and annoying. Do you accept that YABU?

But it does him

and why are you phoning him - I only phone DH at work when something has happened (last time was to say DD had sprained her ankle and we were heading to A&E and could he get home to collect DS - other than that why bother him

Of course you wouldn’t when you’re asking him otherwise you’d be a hypocrite.

It doesn’t matter that you don’t mind, he does mind and it is annoying. Why do you need an answer? He answered the second time. It could easily be a bad connection, him busy and unable to answer your call. Unless it is an emergency, you don’t need to be asking him.

It's very possessive. But I'm sure enough people have said that now.