DH: don't ever, ever, ever ask me that again.

[Limemouse]

If my DH doesn't pick up when I phone will always ask him, 'why didn't you pick up,' when he answers the second time or when he phones me back.
I admit I will always ask him and will always reply with either I didn't hear or I was busy.

Last week I asked him the same question and he told me I was annoying him with such infantile questions and it was better I never phone him again if I was going to ask that question again

i think he is being unreasonable. It's a standard question to ask.

I mean it’s pretty obvious why someone doesn’t pick up.

1. they didn’t hear it 2) busy 3) don’t want to talk to you

If they pick up on a second ring it’s 1 or 2.

his hardly going to be like sorry was shagging Dorris from accounting or well I was a bit busy doing a line of coke or having a wank, wiping my arse from having a shit. Just busy clearly.

You must know the reason. He was either busy or didn't hear. It makes it sound like you're accusing him of something if you feel the need to ask that every time. It sounds like interrogation and a bit controlling. Like what do you think he'll say, 'sorry love, I was balls deep in the local crack whore in the toilets at work'? 'sorry darling, I've just been busy gambling away next month's mortgage payment'?

I can see why it could get annoying. Do you do that with other people?

That would drive me crazy too. Obviously he didn't answer because he was busy. Asking him every time is like saying you don't trust him and it doesn't matter at all why he doesn't pick up.
'On the loo, was in the kitchen, chatting to dave, didn't hear, got pissed off at you ringing me to check up on me so ignored the call, was banging my head against a brick wall, was reading the hobbit, was plotting my escape to peru' it doesn't matter!!

I agree with everyone else. Just stop asking him! It would drive me up the wall and make me not want to pick hp at all!! He doesn't pick up because he can't.

I'm with him, this would piss me off too.

In this case, I would respond with
”I was busy shagging some bird”
Until you stopped asking..

It’s quite demanding of you to ask that and I’d find it annoying. But if dh, or anyone else come to think of it, missed my call they’d normally ring back and start with: sorry I was doing xyz

<OP describes controlling behaviour, checks there's no problem with this>

Jeez, feel deeply sorry for your OH, what a miserable life for them.

Same here.

YABU. That would do my head in, being asked that repeatedly, and actually put me off answering calls from you.

Why are you asking him? The answer's far more likely to be that he was on the loo or driving, than anything exciting.

Definitely team DH on this

You say it wouldn't bother you if he asked, but does he ever ask? It would bother me greatly, and I would probably not answer on principle if you persisted. YABU.

I don't think he's being unreasonable at all - call him once and if he doesn't answer then he's obviously busy or can't talk, he will call you back when he can. He doesn't have to be at your beck and call and constantly being asked why he's not jumping when you say jump would irritate the fuck out of me too.

Im with him, it would drive me nuts

It sounds accusatory and highly irritating. I can see why your husband would find it annoying.

She's not really asking why he didn't answer, she's sending a message that she expects him to pick up the first time, every time. Poor man, what an exhausting life, being controlled like that.

Christ, that would drive me absolutely up the wall. I'd feel like you were trying to catch me out.

I would find that incredibly irritating. So many times I don’t pick up because I’m busy, on the loo, finishing up another call on work phone, didn’t hear phone, driving. I might give you a reason when I call you back I might not though. The implication that I should always pick up or explain myself would drive me bonkers.

I feel solidarity and empathy with the OP on this. My DH will never answer the phone when I call nor respond to a message that I send. Surely the purpose of a mobile phone is you can contact people when they are out and about. And the purpose of caller id is you can prioritise who you will answer / respond to. Not answer / no response to me says ‘not important / not on my priority list’. Which hurts……

If your husband never replies that is different. Why does he bother having one if he doesn't use it?

The OP's husband rings back or replies second time around.
When DH doesn't reply I know it is because he doesn't have his phone on him, can't reply or hasn't heard it. I imagine this is the case for most people.

I know. I'm pointing out why it's pointless even asking.

I don't think it is as bad as some people are making out - in our house I'd usually communicate with my spouse by some form of written message, so if I rang it would almost always be either an emergency, because I needed info urgently and couldn't wait for a message to get picked up, or because we had arranged e.g.: that I would phone to be picked up from somewhere at a certain time so I'd expect him to have his phone on him and be looking out. If I didn't get an answer or swift call-back to those, I'd probably ask him why. On the other hand if a message hangs for several hours, no questions, he was obviously busy.

My brother does this. He rings each morning at 9.00. If I don’t pick up he says ‘where were you’. It drives me crazy

I can see why you would be annoyed if your dh never answers messages or phone calls, @Catandthemoon - but surely most people can't always answer every message or phone call immediately - especially if they are at work?

Of course, I grew up in the days before mobile phones and before pagers too, so it was entirely normal not to be able to get hold of people immediately. I'm not saying we should go back to those days, but I do think that we shouldn't be living at the beck and call of our electronic devices all the time. There are plenty of other things in life that matter, and I don't think there is anything wrong with waiting to return a phone call or answer a message until it is convenient to me. If something is really urgent, the person will call or message again, but to be honest, 99% of the communication I receive is not urgent or time critical. If someone was routinely ignoring/postponing replying to important or urgent communication, that's different, I accept.

Yeah sorry, team DH here.