DH: don't ever, ever, ever ask me that again.

[Limemouse]

If my DH doesn't pick up when I phone will always ask him, 'why didn't you pick up,' when he answers the second time or when he phones me back.
I admit I will always ask him and will always reply with either I didn't hear or I was busy.

Last week I asked him the same question and he told me I was annoying him with such infantile questions and it was better I never phone him again if I was going to ask that question again

i think he is being unreasonable. It's a standard question to ask.

People are different op.

Whether you would get annoyed or not has no bearing on whether someone else would. It's irrelevant.

You can see from this thread that of the two of you, people find what you did the far more annoying.

I would be very annoyed if my husband asked me that every time I can't pick up the phone too.

That would drive me potty!! Surely you can work out for yourself he was busy or didn’t hear it??? If I ring my partner and he doesn’t answer I leave it till he rings me back… I understand he may be busy!! Although I hate talking on the phone so I’m usually pretty glad when someone doesn’t answer!!

Well it bothers him so stop doing it.

Have we established yet if DH is not answering the phone because he is with the OW, and so OP should LTB?

@Limemouse YABU

You need to get a better mode of communication with your DH.

Both myself and DH work in offices and have lots of meetings. We tend to WhatsApp each other with non-urgent stuff. This is about 95% of our phone comms.

If it's time critcal / urgent I will ring him or he ring me. If we don't pick up, we will WhatsApp him and say - 'please ring me ASAP, it's about .......' so he knows it's not life threatening / medical emergency. This kind of chat is if we're out shopping and seen something we like and want the other's opinion.

When we are working away (fairly rare) we will phone each other in the evening for a chat.

Hope you have found this thread enlightening

I only phone my husband if there's an emergency. Why do you call him all the time? Whatsapp or text is better, so people can answer when they have a spare moment or the headspace. YABU.

Dh often doesn't answer his phone, but generally rings me back when he notices, or when he can. I don't ask why he hasn't answered, I just imagine it's one of the 1000 reasons I sometimes don't answer mine. Too far away and doesn't ring long enough. In the loo. In the car. In a shop, Talking to a customer at work. Talking to boss at work. In the middle of something else. He's never asked me why I haven't answered either.

If I was your DH I think I'd answer with one of the following:

Talking to a Giraffe so was busy
Attending an orgy and didn't want to interrupt the flow
Hiking Snowdonia and lost signal

Its a ridiculous question...the answer is 'he was busy' and it wasn't convenient to answer the phone. Jesus.

Reason I don't pick up the phone:
I am asleep
I don't want to talk
I am working
I am cooking
I am having a poo
I am in a conversation with someone else
I don't hear the phone
I am driving
I am walking
I am watching TV

It could go on and on and NONE of the reasons would have anything to do with anyone else.

I have never asked this of someone and it comes across as quite rude, which is why you get the reaction you did, especially if it was every time. Particularly when phoning someone while working. You are only ever going to get "was busy" or 'didn't notice it" - there are no other reasons, so to keep asking and not fathoming that out for yourself, is indeed irritating.

Just because you happen to have a mobile phone, it doesn't not mean that you are bound to answer it whenever it rings.
It may just be me, but I would never ask someone why they didn't answer when I rang them, because I know, from my own experience, that there will have been a good reason, which is possibly none of my business.

Is this a reverse? You would drive me crazy. It’s acting like he’s done something wrong! And also being weirdly controlling if he doesn’t answer your call

YABU. How annoying. What does it matter what he was doing, why do you need to know?

I call reverse. The poll either vindicates you or your husband, it's pretty clear.

It's infantilising to ask these questions. It comes from a place of expecting to be kept up to date with every aspect of your DH's life when he's not with you.

I'm not surprised he got annoyed.

If my DH isn't at home then obviously I know he is busy. If I need or want to speak to him I will usually send a WhatsApp first to either say "Help - need to talk ASAP" or "Are you busy? Wanted to ask you something if you have a mo" or "Bored. Wanted to say hi. Can I interrupt you?" so that he knows how to prioritise my call. I'd only call without texting first if it was a grade 1 emergency and he needs to drop everything.

Well he was either unable or unwilling to pick up. Just assume that and you're all set. Do you need to know whether he was using the loo or in a meeting?

My mum always says sorry, phone was upstairs/ on charge/ other room , that also annoys me but I don't say anything other than - I do not expect people to pick up straight away or even call back.

The worst one is being asked why you didn't reply when you purposely left the phone at home recharging or whatever.
' Why did you leave it at home? It's a mobile phone...'

Gah. No wonder we are slaves to the bloody things!

Not your business. Asking him suggests that you feel entitled to an answer first time, that you think he's at your beck and call, that he should be sitting by the phone awaiting your summons, and that any and all of his activities should be screened and approved by you.

It also reveals that you have not applied any intelligent thought whatsoever to answering your own question before asking him, which does not bode well for the quality of any conversation you're about to have.

I have a family member who does this. It's inane, logically, or disrespectful, relationally. It's drives me quietly nuts, as you can tell.

Try to cultivate an attitude of appreciation that he has interrupted whatever he was doing in his life to take your call. It will change what you say and how you sound saying it. Things will go better, I promise.

I think you have your answer OP.
Will you admit that you're being very annoying and stop asking him?

You need to work on your anxious attachment style. Your going to drive your husband away or to someone who isn't as demanding. I would feel controlled and like I belonged to them rather than myself

I am totally with your husband on this. It would totally annoy me if my DH or anyone asked this question.

TBF it doesn't take much to get me annoyed these days, but this is really annoying .

It also comes across as quite needy

My bet is she'll either never show up again or she'll say claim it was a reverse and she hadn't been able to reply to the thread because she was at work.

It is a bit of an odd thing to ask, op, he's obviously busy. My husband often explains why he wasn't able to pick up, even though I've never asked him. He'll ring me back and start the conversation with 'Sorry, I was...' and now I'm worried that anyone who can hear him will think I'm controlling. Phones are so intrusive sometimes, I appreciate it when people prioritise the person they're with, rather than the person on the phone (generally, there are exceptions obviously).