Told mum that DSIS was being entitled. She told me I’m wrong. AIBU?

[Lampshadeeey]

Much younger sister (she’s 23) wants to be a lawyer. My husband’s brother is a super successful lawyer (big job) so I said that I’d set up a call and he could talk to her about breaking into the industry. They’ve only met once before, but he said he was happy to help.

Great. So the phone call was arranged, but DH’s brother forgot about the call, rearranged and then wasn’t very helpful when it happened.

Anyway that was three months ago and my mother and DSIS are still annoyed about it. My mother brings it up every time we speak as though my BIL should have offered her an internship or a job.

Today, I got fed up, and said that DSIS was being entitled and that nobody owes her a job, and my mother said I was talking DH’s brother’s side. Now we’re not talking.

Anyway, I don’t even particularly like my DH’s brother. He’s fine, but don’t care either way about him.

Now I feel like I am being the unreasonable one for not joining my mother and sister in being annoyed at BIL.

Who’s in the wrong here? I’m happy to hear that I am! But my mother is a bit enmeshed with my sister so I’m never sure.

Well they can be as annoyed with him as they like. Nothing to do with you and nothing you can do about it.
If you bother speaking to them again and they bring it up tell them to shut up and grow up.

You're right. He doesn't owe her anything.
Just because he is successful doesn't mean others are entitled to his help.
It was nice of you to set up the call, it's a shame he wasn't all too helpful. That's all there is to it.
It doesn't need to be brought up regularly.

It’s not your fault he wasn’t very helpful. It sounds very much like your mother and sister are utterly clueless about becoming a barrister or solicitor. It’s not something you ‘break into’, you have to work hard, get a degree and secure a pupilage etc. You won’t be offered a job as a solicitor or barrister because you know someone who works there, regardless of how big a job they have there.

It's the sort of thing I would expect people to shrug off... he's not close enough to you to be expected to be mega helpful - certainly nothing to your dsis and its no one's fault so they should just forget about it... is lawyer- stuff a particularly hard market to crack or just down to hard work?? I mean if she wanted to work at the bbc and your bil had contacts I'd understand frustration but lawyers are everywhere!

I think the bigger issue is that you all stop talking to each other over relatively minor things...bot a very grown up approach to conflict.
I don't think yabu but think communication in your family is a bigger issue

You don't really get given an internship or straight access unless mummy or daddy/grandparents owns the firm.

Your mother and sister are unreasonable to keep on at you or expect anything but a phone call, they have unrealistic expectations also.

Unless your BIL has his own firm he is not going to be able to offer her a job and if he is in a big firm, even work experience outside of the formal process is hard to swing. Your mum and sister need to really read up about the realities of being a solicitor. He might be able to mentor her to a point, but beyond that will be put of his control.

You were very good trying to help her out. It’s a shame he wasn’t more helpful, but that’s not your fault, and what they were expecting is way above the norm. And your mother bringing it up all the time is ridiculous.

id say they you’re upset at how they’re behaving and you won’t be trying to help again if this is how they act. Tell them perhaps this is why she wasn’t offered anything. Perhaps she came across as entitled to him too. And tell them she’s going to have to harden up if she’s going to be a lawyer!

I mean what has your sister done in the past 3 months to advance her dreams? Is she seeking her own connections? Applying for jobs? Courses? Training roles?

Honestly you did a very nice thing, which was setting the call up. Your mother needs to step back and realise you did more than you needed to and it's got nothing to do with you or her!

She did an LLM and wants to work in a big circle company. (Or is it magic circle?!) BIL works for one of these. He is literally always at work, ALWAYS - but is very wealthy.

I think DSIS likes the idea of all the money!

In all honesty, I know very little about the world of law. I work in a completely different field and hardly ever see BIL.

That's ridiculous! He probably can't just offer internships otherwise no one would get a fair chance they'd all be taken by family and friends - also he's so far away from where she is he probably isn't much use, I have a degree and PhD in science subject, I'm 52 now so would know tonnes about my field, sod all about going to uni and progression at an early stage, it was too long ago

Your sister’s expectations were unreasonable.

Did you hype the BIL up in some way so she got the impression he could offer tangible assistance? Or did get imagination run away with her?

Tell your mum and sister you did what you could to put sister in contact with someone in the industry for a chat. That’s all you can do, and you’d like them to acknowledge your effort on her behalf. Beyond that, there’s nothing you can say.

Yeah if she works in the magic circle, she won't have much time to spend her earnings... Good luck to her!

Good life lesson for your sister. You set up the call so you did what you could. Sounds as if they're passive aggressively blaming you for him not being as helpful as they wanted. He's only met her once

Sounds like they basically thought he was going to get her in. They are BU.

Tell her to make it on her own like everyone else.

What did she do before her LLM?

She’s applying for everything, my mother says, but her CV isn’t great (not much on it apparently) so not having any luck.

I feel sorry for that, I know it’s tough out there. But I just don’t see how that’s BIL’s problem!

Families!!!
Ignore them.

What were they expecting him to do for her? What kind of help were they thinking they will get?

You're not wrong here.

I'm assuming your sister has an undergraduate degree in law? Is she struggling to find a place for the work experience part to fully qualify? The reality is, law is pretty oversubscribed and has been for years.

Yeah I agree with this. My mother and I will speak again, but she got very annoyed with me for saying that and ended the call.

In a few weeks, we’ll speak again and if I don’t mention it, we’ll be fine.

I think I’m easily irritated by her and my sister’s relationship. I was 16 when she was born and my mother’s relationship with my sister is not like hers and mine. My sister is my mother’s entire life and any small thing that happens to her affects my mother big time.

Yes I think I did hype him up! Said he’d definitely help her - I was wrong and I did apologise about that but they’re not over it.

Yes and she won’t just go anywhere, she has set her sights very high.

This is stupid. The top firms have their choice of candidates, and they aren’t ones with empty CV’s.

You’d think the sister would be well aware of this, having done an LLM?