Told mum that DSIS was being entitled. She told me I’m wrong. AIBU?

[Lampshadeeey]

Much younger sister (she’s 23) wants to be a lawyer. My husband’s brother is a super successful lawyer (big job) so I said that I’d set up a call and he could talk to her about breaking into the industry. They’ve only met once before, but he said he was happy to help.

Great. So the phone call was arranged, but DH’s brother forgot about the call, rearranged and then wasn’t very helpful when it happened.

Anyway that was three months ago and my mother and DSIS are still annoyed about it. My mother brings it up every time we speak as though my BIL should have offered her an internship or a job.

Today, I got fed up, and said that DSIS was being entitled and that nobody owes her a job, and my mother said I was talking DH’s brother’s side. Now we’re not talking.

Anyway, I don’t even particularly like my DH’s brother. He’s fine, but don’t care either way about him.

Now I feel like I am being the unreasonable one for not joining my mother and sister in being annoyed at BIL.

Who’s in the wrong here? I’m happy to hear that I am! But my mother is a bit enmeshed with my sister so I’m never sure.

So, I assume she has a first-class degree from a top university?

The students should have been prepped for how difficult it is out there.

She needs to lower her sights and build up a solid work history. But that's not your problem OP. She's 23, she needs to to learn on her own. You were good enough to set up the call, your sister and mother are both being ridiculous.

Wish I could be as naive as some on here.Of course nepotism is rife in the law and family get the best chances. However, sister of sil won’t cut it. Due to lack of connections, my neice had to do it the hard way, self funded through night school for degree conversion and law exams. After all that a training contract and this summer finally became a solicitor. Where there’s a will there’s a way if she wants it enough.

what is DSIS

They shouldn't keep going on about it, but I can understand your sister being disappointed. It sounds as if your brother in law basically couldn't be arsed and probably was quite guarded to make clear he wasn't going to offer any practical help.

I've been on the receiving end of that before, where someone enthusiastically volunteers help from a relative or friend who, when I spoke to them, made clear they had better things to do than waste their time speaking to me. And fair enough, I've been in their position too! But what I learned is, if you don't want to help, say so to the person volunteering your help, and don't have a grudging conversation with someone who has been told you can help them.

I studied in law department, though do not practice it
my cousin migrated to Germany and studied law and started as a secretary in law firm with no contacts, being shy also, not outgoing, nothing. Still works there and might have actually progressed onto real projects

Sister - dear sis. But I may have got that acronym totally wrong!

This is what happens when you try to help people. It doesn’t really sound as though your BIL wanted to help and did it begrudgingly for you/his brother. Your mum and sister need to get over it. You promised nothing but a phone call.

Yes when it happened, I said “I’m sorry that’s disappointing”.

But then my mother started talking about how angry they are (to be fair, I haven’t spoken to my sister about it at all, just my mother; so hearing all this through her). My mother is furious! That’s the part that I think is unreasonable. BIL owes my mother and sister nothing.

Mostly, though, I’m annoyed that I tried to help and now I’m being told that I’m on the “wrong side” and I’ll have to hear about how much they hate BIL for the rest of time!

I think if you hyped him up a bit and he was an arse it’s not exactly surprising that they’re still mentioning it, especially if she hasn’t found a job elsewhere.

I probably wouldn’t have risen to this or reacted other than to say yes he’s a bit of an arse, DSIS you might want to think about whether this is the career for you if they’re all like that. But just chalk it up to experience and next time be less helpful!!

I'm not sure entitled is the word I would pick, but she is definitely delusional if she thinks she can get a job or internship in any large firm through a vague family connection like this. If that's really what she was hoping for when talking to your BIL then it's not surprising she found him unhelpful. Not only is there a pool of candidates already, but there is a strict application process to follow.

What she could get is inside knowledge about the firm, tips on how to get there if her experience isn't good enough already, review of her CV, and maybe some good contacts from smaller firms that would be happy to take her on. She would be stupid not to take advantage of that.

If she's so furious, she must have expected that your BIL would definitely offer her an internship or a job which was crazy. Does she not understand now that her expectations were completely unrealistic?

It's really unfair of her to take it out on you. I'd get quite cross with her if I were you and definitely stop apologising.

I suspect in their world 'not very helpful' means 'didn't immediately offer her a partnership'. And whatever you said about him being willing to talk to her, what they heard was that he'd give her a job.

The way it sounds like Mummy's little precious has been brought up she wouldn't expect anything less and neither would her adoring mother. What he had to say might actually have been very helpful to someone who genuinely wanted to break into the industry rather than have a job handed on a plate.

Oh if you haven't spoken to your sister I wouldn't even worry, she may have shrugged it off without thinking!

Your mother probably forced your sister to make the call and then got a mouthful when it was a mildly humiliating waste of time, so she's still sore.

I’ve a feeling this goes much deeper than your BIL being a bit unhelpful.
I also have a much younger sister, and although I love the bones of her, she’s incredibly entitled and spoilt. Because myself and our Brother (there’s only a year between us in ages, but our sister is over a decade younger than us) moved out when she was still very small, she essentially grew up an only child and has had everything her way and everything she wants, her whole life.
I could see her behaving in the exact same way

They have a problem with the BIL not you. Give them his email address and number and tell then to take it up with him directly.

If they whinge on about it to you, just say it's not your problem.

Not your circus. Not your monkeys.

Give them his email address and number and tell then to take it up with him directly.

Do not do this!!!

In all honesty, I know very little about the world of law.

I don’t think you’re alone in that in your family…

Don’t get me wrong - I'm no expert either. But the lawyers I’ve met in my time have all had hides like a rhino. I can’t imagine any of them still bellyaching over a disappointing phone call three months later. How’s your sister going to handle a profession that can be extremely cut-throat if she can’t cope with mild disappointment?

Imagine her as a barrister. Not so much, “Objection, your honour” as “But that’s not faaaaaaiiiirrrr!! Your honour, he’s being so mean!!!” Maybe a few tears for good measure…

Agree with this - it sounds like they were totally unrealistic about what he could ever offer. In firms like that, you can’t just bring in a random person for experience when there are (very competitive) application processes. IMO it was pretty nice of him to take a call at all, given the hours he’ll be working at a magic circle firm, which will often be well into the next morning. As OP acknowledges, he doesn’t know this girl or owe her anything, and he could have been perfectly helpful but it sounds like anything short of a job offer was going to be sniffed at.

your mother sounds the one that is out of touch and entitled

This is a similar dynamic except that my little sister also grew up without a father (I didn’t).

The things my sister “got away with” are wild compared with what I’d have been allowed to do!

Also my sister is my mother’s support person and vice versa. They are very enmeshed. So if my sister is upset, my mother is upset.

Just to add, that my MIL has a Christmas party every year and my sister and mother are not attending this year because they’re so angry at BIL. In fact, my mother said that she and my sister would only attend if BIL “came good” and helped her properly. This was the point where I told my mother that my sister was acting entitled.

I could have written that myself 🤣 my sister also did not have a father. I truly think she believes it’s her and her mum against the world. They do everything together. Whereas myself and my brother see our mum maybe 3 or 4 times a year (we live in different parts of the country, my sister lives in the same road 🤣)

I don’t think he was helpful and was probably a quick call rather than an extensive advice session. Maybe he was rude? I don’t think he would be, but to give my sis/ mum the benefit of the doubt?

But he works so much that his wife “jokes” that the reason she doesn’t have a job is so that their children can at least have one parent around for them!

Jesus Christ they are absolutely delusional. She needs to get off her arse and help herself rather than rely on someone she barely knows for handouts that they couldn’t even give if they wanted to.