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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

to think a lot of this “boy mum” stuff is a load of sexist nonsense?

292 replies

Cookiesandcream1989 · 23/10/2024 12:01

I’m always hearing people (on social media and in real life) talking about being “boy mums”, mostly saying how hard it is to raise boys as they are always being dangerous, loud, disruptive and disobedient, the tacit implication being that girls are quiet, do as they are told and that raising them is easy.

I have two girls, and I am not exaggerating when I say every single posts, video or anecdote of the supposedly “dangerous, madcap antics” “boy mums” have to deal with is something my girls do regularly. I’m thinking mostly of toddler/young children stuff. For example, I saw a video the other day of a child around 18 months trying to climb over a cardboard box and then tumbling off it (soft landing, no danger whatsoever), with a caption saying something like “see, this is what boy mums have to put up with!” and I’m just like… isn’t that just totally normal toddler behaviour for both sexes?? When my girls were that age I felt like they spent every minute of every day trying to climb up everything. My cousin posted one last week of her 3 year old splashing in some mud with a comment about being a “boy mum” and it was just such a massive eye-roll. As if little girl toddlers don’t love splashing around in mud every chance they get, too!

It's mostly just eye-rolling stuff, but it does actually sometimes annoy me, because I sometimes feel like people are assuming parents of girls have some sort of blessed easy life where we’re just sitting around getting our hair brushed, or relaxing while our perfect little angels play dollies, while “boy mums” are actually doing hard work, which is so far from the truth that it annoys me. My girls both come home from school/nursery covered in mud every day, they act like they are allergic to doing as they’re told, they climb, they jump, they playfight – and as far as I’ve seen of other girls, they are totally normal in this regard.

My in-laws especially are big on the whole “boys are loud and dangerous and misbehave and girls are quiet and obedient” thing (to the point where it comes up in conversation every time we see them🙄), and the weird thing is, our nephews on that side actually happen to be naturally very placid, introverted and timid, while it’s our girls who are climbing the walls, being rambunctious and rarely do as they’re told without a struggle. And yet still they go on about how boys are so “naughty” and hard work, and "girls don't misbehave" (verbatim quote from MIL!!!!) which I just find a bit insulting really, because if what they are saying is true, then it stands to reason that either we must have an easy life, or we must just be rubbish parents, because girls are supposed to be “naturally obedient” and yet we still have to put loads of work into getting ours to behave, so how hopeless must we be?

So, what’s the consensus? Is it true that boys are naturally naughtier and harder work, or is it sexist nonsense?

(For the sake of the poll, let’s stick to thinking about little children rather than older kids/teens.)

OP posts:
Sometimeswinning · 23/10/2024 12:05

I think it’s disingenuous to say there is no difference. I’m sure you’ll have plenty agreeing with you though!

Dramatic · 23/10/2024 12:05

Yanbu at all. I have 5 girls and when I tell you they are the full range of behaviours I really mean it! 2 of them are the sort of typical "girl" in that they are quiet quiet, placid and more likely to be obedient. The other 3 are not, 2 in particular are (or were) extremely boisterous as toddlers and would climb/run/fling themselves off everything they could. It also really annoys me when I see these types of posts because it is just complete crap.

troppibambini6 · 23/10/2024 12:08

I have three of each and it's a load of nonsense. Totally dependant on The personality of the child.
I've got two gentle, kind easy going boys and one whose life's mission is to do himself harm and is a totally firecracker.
One of my daughters never shuts up and one you have to drag a conversation out of her.
All really really different. All have had their challenges and have been hard at different points in their lives. One sex not been harder than others.

KnottedTwine · 23/10/2024 12:08

Of course it's nonsense. I have three kids - two boys and a girl. I have seen these sorts of posts about boys being wild and dangerous and how they take so much more parenting, but on the other hand I have also seen posts from people who only have girls saying how they couldn't deal with awful dirty, messy boys and love their little princesses who will sit and happily colour in for 3 hours at a stretch.

troppibambini6 · 23/10/2024 12:09

Oh and snorted out loud at girls being more obedient!

ConsistantlyForget33 · 23/10/2024 12:10

I think it's just more personality than boy/girl

I have one of each and my DD is constantly covered in mud, enjoys rough play, enjoys sports, right now is dressed in joggers and a hoody, very outgoing and adventurous, very similar to her best friend who is a boy, they both loves winding people up,

My Ds is a very quiet little boy in comparison, not really keen on sports, and is my easier child to manage temper wise 😅. He is very similar behaviour / personality to his best friend who is a boy.

ForkMeImToast · 23/10/2024 12:11

My kids are the same sex. I get very annoyed by the generalisations and "boys will be boys". My kids are individuals.

Also, I was definitely harder work than my brothers were growing up.

123678user · 23/10/2024 12:12

People love labels these days and being special, so they'll make up any aul shite for the Socials 🙄.

Just enjoy your DC and their lovely varied personalities.

lochmaree · 23/10/2024 12:13

I completely agree and I have two boys. For me I quite like the 'boy mum' name only because I find people are so negative about having only boys so I find it a positive kind of thing. But I don't like all the stuff like you describe of attributes being assigned to boys and not girls I think it's a load of rubbish!

SophiaCohle · 23/10/2024 12:14

I think it's worse than nonsense tbh. There are powerful interests in society in maintaining and propagating gender stereotypes. I'm not on social media much but I would question how genuine these accounts are that you're following, because a lot of this twaddle is the work of social disruptors, not ordinary people.

taxguru · 23/10/2024 12:15

Complete nonsense. It's how the child is brought up. It's their environment. It's the influence of their immediate and wider family members.

Itssodark · 23/10/2024 12:16

The boy mum thing is an exaggeration of something with a bit of truth to it. Kids have their own personalities.

TheLightSideOfTheMoon · 23/10/2024 12:17

I’m a ‘boy mum’.

I’ve never dealt with any disobedience, dangerous behaviours or negative behaviours.

It’s how you bring your children up, it’s not down to their gender.

It sounds like an excuse for poor parenting.

JaninaDuszejko · 23/10/2024 12:18

Anyone with boys and girls knows it's rubbish. It's so regressive about both sexes, I hate it. My kids are people with varied interests and abilities and their genitals have no impact on that.

MissyB1 · 23/10/2024 12:18

Yep it's stereotyping bollocks. I have 3 boys, all chalk and cheese! I actually hate the whole "boys are"noisy /boisterous/hard work" messaging, it's always seems very negative. I also think kids behaviour reflects the expectations of the parents and how the parents manage that child. None of my boys fitted the stereotype at all, but I never particularly expected them to, and didn't steer them towards it.

My Godson has very much fitted the stereotype but was virtually pushed into it from the moment of his birth by his parents!

Cookiesandcream1989 · 23/10/2024 12:18

Oh, I've just remembered another quote from my MIL, when a woman with daughters was talking about a different child she knew who was really naughty (I knew the child in question, and he really was very difficult)...

"women who only have girls are often shocked by boys' behaviour because they don't understand just how naughty boys can be, but it's perfectly normal"

So, not only do we live charmed lives and have never had to deal with our own children being naughty, but apparently we don't encounter boys anywhere else in our lives either to be able to make a comparison 🙄

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DrRiverSong · 23/10/2024 12:18

Equally, I have a boy who is quiet, plays calmly, spends a lot of time in his own creative world etc. I don’t recognise “boy mum” stuff at all.

It’s his sister that leaves nerf bullets bloody everywhere 🤣

Wellingtonspie · 23/10/2024 12:20

The whole “boy mum” life thing was just a hashtag to fight back against the whole oh no when will you have another. Shame you didn’t get a girl. Oh not another boy.

Any child can be loud and annoying or sit quietly colouring. It’s personality. Some cases parenting if you get onto the feral feral ones.

My boy is calmer than my girls.

littleburn · 23/10/2024 12:21

YANBU. Honestly, all this 'boy mum' 'girl mum' stuff is just social media clout chasers trying to elevate a perfectly normal part of their existence (raising children) into an identity with a hashtag. Maybe me and my friends are the weirdos, but we're just raising kids and not constantly comparing/trying to claim a better or harder experience on the basis of our children's chromosomes.

5128gap · 23/10/2024 12:22

No one knows for sure. Its dowm to belief and opinion. All we have are some mothers own unique experience with their own unique children. It would take a great deal more robust research than some anecdotes about people with quiet sons and noisy daughters or vice versa to identify if there really were commonalities around behaviour based on sex. Personally, i could give you true anecdotes about my DC to support either position dependent on which side of the debate i felt like taking.
For the most part we see what we want to see and create the reality we prefer. So if you prefer to think children conform to sex based behaviour patterns you will no doubt be predisposed to spot them. Just as if you reject the idea, you will probably put some effort into steering your children away from the stereotypes.

SweetSakura · 23/10/2024 12:22

Totally agree, and we have four, two girls and two boys.

Two (one girl and one boy) and very noisy, boisterous, tree climbing chaos causing, mess making, and two (one girl and one boy) are far less like that (although they have their moments!)

Cookiesandcream1989 · 23/10/2024 12:22

TheLightSideOfTheMoon · 23/10/2024 12:17

I’m a ‘boy mum’.

I’ve never dealt with any disobedience, dangerous behaviours or negative behaviours.

It’s how you bring your children up, it’s not down to their gender.

It sounds like an excuse for poor parenting.

Well no, because if your children have never exhibited any disobedience then that means you didn't have to put any work into them being like that, they were like it naturally.

If it was purely down to your parenting, then they would have exhibited disobedience, dangerous behaviour etc., and you would have have gradually trained it out of them through lots of hard parenting.

OP posts:
hangingonfordearlife1 · 23/10/2024 12:23

having had 2 girls followed by a boy...a boy toddler is bloody mental and soooo different to what i was used to. However 2 teenage girls are a different kind of mental and hope the boy will not have these hormonal issues

EsmeSusanOgg · 23/10/2024 12:23

I have two boys. But I have to agree on the stereotyping. There are some differences, but frankly many of the kids at my oldest's age (6) all play the same. And more than a couple of kids gets very loud, very quickly (I'm sure we all have the post playdate trauma to confirm this!).

AnellaA · 23/10/2024 12:23

@TheLightSideOfTheMoon really never any disobedience? My MIL says all her three boys were all impeccably behaved as kids.

One lacks imagination, one has emotional difficulties as an adult, the other has grown up to be an average human being.

I do believe there was never any disobedience but I wonder how that’s achieved.