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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

to think a lot of this “boy mum” stuff is a load of sexist nonsense?

292 replies

Cookiesandcream1989 · 23/10/2024 12:01

I’m always hearing people (on social media and in real life) talking about being “boy mums”, mostly saying how hard it is to raise boys as they are always being dangerous, loud, disruptive and disobedient, the tacit implication being that girls are quiet, do as they are told and that raising them is easy.

I have two girls, and I am not exaggerating when I say every single posts, video or anecdote of the supposedly “dangerous, madcap antics” “boy mums” have to deal with is something my girls do regularly. I’m thinking mostly of toddler/young children stuff. For example, I saw a video the other day of a child around 18 months trying to climb over a cardboard box and then tumbling off it (soft landing, no danger whatsoever), with a caption saying something like “see, this is what boy mums have to put up with!” and I’m just like… isn’t that just totally normal toddler behaviour for both sexes?? When my girls were that age I felt like they spent every minute of every day trying to climb up everything. My cousin posted one last week of her 3 year old splashing in some mud with a comment about being a “boy mum” and it was just such a massive eye-roll. As if little girl toddlers don’t love splashing around in mud every chance they get, too!

It's mostly just eye-rolling stuff, but it does actually sometimes annoy me, because I sometimes feel like people are assuming parents of girls have some sort of blessed easy life where we’re just sitting around getting our hair brushed, or relaxing while our perfect little angels play dollies, while “boy mums” are actually doing hard work, which is so far from the truth that it annoys me. My girls both come home from school/nursery covered in mud every day, they act like they are allergic to doing as they’re told, they climb, they jump, they playfight – and as far as I’ve seen of other girls, they are totally normal in this regard.

My in-laws especially are big on the whole “boys are loud and dangerous and misbehave and girls are quiet and obedient” thing (to the point where it comes up in conversation every time we see them🙄), and the weird thing is, our nephews on that side actually happen to be naturally very placid, introverted and timid, while it’s our girls who are climbing the walls, being rambunctious and rarely do as they’re told without a struggle. And yet still they go on about how boys are so “naughty” and hard work, and "girls don't misbehave" (verbatim quote from MIL!!!!) which I just find a bit insulting really, because if what they are saying is true, then it stands to reason that either we must have an easy life, or we must just be rubbish parents, because girls are supposed to be “naturally obedient” and yet we still have to put loads of work into getting ours to behave, so how hopeless must we be?

So, what’s the consensus? Is it true that boys are naturally naughtier and harder work, or is it sexist nonsense?

(For the sake of the poll, let’s stick to thinking about little children rather than older kids/teens.)

OP posts:
Garlicnaan · 23/10/2024 12:42

Cookiesandcream1989 · 23/10/2024 12:22

Well no, because if your children have never exhibited any disobedience then that means you didn't have to put any work into them being like that, they were like it naturally.

If it was purely down to your parenting, then they would have exhibited disobedience, dangerous behaviour etc., and you would have have gradually trained it out of them through lots of hard parenting.

Well said!

Although putting a lot of time into parenting from the start can mean you have a naturally more compliant child.

Disturbia81 · 23/10/2024 12:43

I've had the easiest time being a parent to my boys, and hearing horror stories of the difficulties of girls.

Conversely my mum had the easiest time with me and my brothers caused her a lot or trouble and stress.

Basically it's an individual thing.

StepawayfromtheLindors · 23/10/2024 12:43

Never heard this phrase until now. Sounds like unnecessary, unhelpful, sexist drivel.

Yet another reason to be glad not to have SM.

LastNight1Dreamt1WentToManderleyAgain · 23/10/2024 12:43

I should unwatch this thread because I feel really strongly about it after being denied access to the sports I wanted to play (and my brother was no good at).

elliejjtiny · 23/10/2024 12:43

I have 5 boys and I get this the other way round! I get told I have it easy because I don't have to spend hours doing their hair, or trying to find clothes for them that don't look like clothes for teenagers going clubbing, or dealing with hormonal sulks, etc etc.

My boys aren't badly behaved but they are loud and lively.

MorrisZapp · 23/10/2024 12:44

If boys and girls are just the same really, when does the difference kick in? I mean for instance, if like me you support a womens right to single sex spaces because men are an existential threat?

LastNight1Dreamt1WentToManderleyAgain · 23/10/2024 12:45

MorrisZapp · 23/10/2024 12:44

If boys and girls are just the same really, when does the difference kick in? I mean for instance, if like me you support a womens right to single sex spaces because men are an existential threat?

After (i) puberty (ii) exactly the sort of toxic differential conditioning that reinforces assertive behaviour in boys and passive behaviour in girls as 'natural'. Bye all, I'm off to fume over my lost chances at football.

midgetastic · 23/10/2024 12:46

MorrisZapp · 23/10/2024 12:44

If boys and girls are just the same really, when does the difference kick in? I mean for instance, if like me you support a womens right to single sex spaces because men are an existential threat?

Puberty does create physical innate differences

Beezknees · 23/10/2024 12:47

YANBU. I have a DS and he's always been an absolute dream.

VioletCrawleyForever · 23/10/2024 12:48

I have one of each and completely agree with you OP. They are different because of their personalities and interests.

Boy mum / Girl mum stuff is lazy stereo-typing and frankly harmful to children and young people by continuing to perpetrate stereotypes and prejudice.

GeneralPeter · 23/10/2024 12:50

Also, "X is a stereotype" is a pretty big clue that X is probably, on averages, true.

Stereotype accuracy is one of the most solid results in sociology.

www.psychologytoday.com/intl/blog/insight-therapy/201809/stereotype-accuracy-displeasing-truth?amp

Whatsitreallylike · 23/10/2024 12:50

I agree with you based on my experience. I was in soft play the other day and a mum friend was saying how boisterous her son was and how he’s always getting into trouble. Cue my DD, same age, body slamming her DS in the ball pit 3 minutes later! Apparently he wouldn’t move over. 😱
I do notice a difference in some though. DD will sit and play longer with certain activities, but I think that’s because they mature faster than boys.

Deadringer · 23/10/2024 12:51

I hate all this gender cliched shit, lots of 'girls mum' stuff with make up messes or whiny behaviour too (sure, boys never whine🙄). I have 4 girls and one boy, and he is the quietest and most easy going of my dc and always has been. However I do think there are some differences in behaviour especially when groups of children get together, when I worked in a preschool there was a core group, almost all boys, that needed more outdoor time than the rest of the children to work off their excess energy.

pinkorchid1 · 23/10/2024 12:51

My DDs are so different- one can draw and craft for hours. The other one is always covered in scrapes and bruises from throwing herself around. It's personality, not sex. Interestingly my friend who is a boy mum of 3 thinks I have it harder. She thinks her boys are much simpler to please and entertain without having to deal with the up and down emotions of girls. Although, I'm sure there are many boys out there who are just as emotional. I think toddlers and kids up to the age of about 5 or 6 basically all behave the same regardless of sex. But as they get older there are clearly general differences in the behaviour of boys and girls with the onset of hormones etc.

Snorlaxo · 23/10/2024 12:51

Of course it’s a temperament thing. For every boy who’d rather sit and read in a cosy blanket, there’s a girl who loves running and climbing as if she’s in training for Ninja Warrior.

Icedlatteofdreams · 23/10/2024 12:53

It's just more sexist bs designed to keep women and girls quiet and obedient from a young age. I have one of both and it couldn't be further from the truth - my DD is wild and always has been, a dare devil, confident and very physically able. My DS is quiet, unassuming, mainly obedient, scared of lots of things.

Icantbuystrawberries · 23/10/2024 12:54

I disagree and agree. I have both sexes as children and while some of it will be down to personality and upbringing.

There is scientific papers that show boys are more risk taking more than girls. I also think females being the weaker sex physically years ago developed a different way to manage situations and thats mentally. Girls are more manipulative (not in a horrible way just more calculated than boys). Overall boys are more risky and girls more mentally switched on in social situations.

However I disagree that this can be used to justify bad behaviour or extreme behaviour. Not all boys are the same and risk taking will be a sliding scale that overlaps with some girls

MsMila · 23/10/2024 12:55

TheLightSideOfTheMoon · 23/10/2024 12:17

I’m a ‘boy mum’.

I’ve never dealt with any disobedience, dangerous behaviours or negative behaviours.

It’s how you bring your children up, it’s not down to their gender.

It sounds like an excuse for poor parenting.

I'm also a boy mum, he's a man now and never displayed any dangerous behaviour. Or so I thought.

Well, that I knew of. He's since told me that he and his friends wild camped, jumped in reservoirs, etc as teenagers when I thought he was safely having sleepovers at his pals. He survived, I definitely wasn't a poor parent. We laugh about it, and I joke with him that he better hope his kids don't do all the stuff he did.

My daughter is completely different, hasn't jumped in any reservoirs as she had more sense.

They're all different, I don't pay attention to stereotypes.

tuberole · 23/10/2024 12:56

My boys are definitely more physical with each other than my nieces are with each other, but they're not harder raise, hands down the girls look much harder work, not sure to what extent that is personality or sex based differences, but my parenting journey has been a breeze by comparison. Obviously a very small anecdotal pool I am pulling from!

CheekySwan · 23/10/2024 12:59

Personally I have boys and a SD. I wouldn't have a girl for all the world after what we have been through with her - I'm happy to be a boy mum 😂

queenMab99 · 23/10/2024 12:59

It is partly the mums getting some sort of kudos from being a 'boy mum' 'football mum' 'rugby mum' or whatever, and 'girl mums' seem to take pride in themselves being very feminine, along with their daughters, treating them to 'pamper sessions ' eurgh!
Isn't just being a person, enough? Just be the best 'person' you can be.You are going to be many things in your life, to many different people, don't pin your personality exclusively to one role.

Rubixcoobe · 23/10/2024 13:01

Some people just like to define their personality around their DC.

i think there is a difference between boys and girls. Girls do seem more switched on and emotionally mature, but it doesnt translate to being quiet and well behaved.

my DS is a nightmare, but it’s actually ADHD. DD is full of energy and very noisy, but definitely easier to reason with!

HowFarToBanburyCross · 23/10/2024 13:01

It's a crock of old shite. 5yo DS has always been very placid, introspective, and eager to please. Loves drawing, playing lego by himself, cuddling on the sofa. He has thrown one (memorable!) proper tantrum in his life, when he was 4.
2yo DD is a whirlwind of loud emotions. She's bright and funny and loves to make people laugh, but the trail of destruction she leaves in her wake is something else 😅 Couldn't tell you how many tantrums she's thrown!
This is also an interesting (opinion-based) perspective on the codependent side of some of the "boy mum" stereotypes: https://www.yourtango.com/entertainment/woman-explains-one-thing-most-toxic-boy-moms-have-common

The One Thing Most Toxic Boy Moms Have In Common — And It Has Nothing To Do With Their Sons

She explained why most moms feel the need to form codependent relationships with their sons.

https://www.yourtango.com/entertainment/woman-explains-one-thing-most-toxic-boy-moms-have-common

regretfulandskint · 23/10/2024 13:02

It’s so annoying!!!! I have a wild 2yo boy toddler, can’t bear everyone saying he’s such a typical boy, so don’t worry about him smacking other kids around the head - he’s just a boy! Don’t worry about not being able to blink without him sprinting off in a random direction, that’s boys for you! Etc etc.

Irritating for me but mostly I’m worried about how often HE hears this, that he’s SUPPOSED to be wild and even aggressive, because he’s male.

YANBU and IMO the social media popular culture Boy Mum fad is dangerous.

To all the Boy Mums out there…

”We've begun to raise daughters more like sons... but few have the courage to raise our sons more like our daughters”

Missamyp · 23/10/2024 13:03

Isn't this part personality and part socialisation? I have two boys. They're very loving and generally have soft, gentle squabbles. DP has two girls. They're polite, blunt, and very physical when playing and squabbling. He's always encouraged rough play, but I'm significantly more gentle in my manner.
He played rough as a child, set fire to fields, fought with neighbouring children, extremely sporty...