to think a lot of this “boy mum” stuff is a load of sexist nonsense?

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I’m always hearing people (on social media and in real life) talking about being “boy mums”, mostly saying how hard it is to raise boys as they are always being dangerous, loud, disruptive and disobedient, the tacit implication being that girls are quiet, do as they are told and that raising them is easy.

I have two girls, and I am not exaggerating when I say every single posts, video or anecdote of the supposedly “dangerous, madcap antics” “boy mums” have to deal with is something my girls do regularly. I’m thinking mostly of toddler/young children stuff. For example, I saw a video the other day of a child around 18 months trying to climb over a cardboard box and then tumbling off it (soft landing, no danger whatsoever), with a caption saying something like “see, this is what boy mums have to put up with!” and I’m just like… isn’t that just totally normal toddler behaviour for both sexes?? When my girls were that age I felt like they spent every minute of every day trying to climb up everything. My cousin posted one last week of her 3 year old splashing in some mud with a comment about being a “boy mum” and it was just such a massive eye-roll. As if little girl toddlers don’t love splashing around in mud every chance they get, too!

It's mostly just eye-rolling stuff, but it does actually sometimes annoy me, because I sometimes feel like people are assuming parents of girls have some sort of blessed easy life where we’re just sitting around getting our hair brushed, or relaxing while our perfect little angels play dollies, while “boy mums” are actually doing hard work, which is so far from the truth that it annoys me. My girls both come home from school/nursery covered in mud every day, they act like they are allergic to doing as they’re told, they climb, they jump, they playfight – and as far as I’ve seen of other girls, they are totally normal in this regard.

My in-laws especially are big on the whole “boys are loud and dangerous and misbehave and girls are quiet and obedient” thing (to the point where it comes up in conversation every time we see them🙄), and the weird thing is, our nephews on that side actually happen to be naturally very placid, introverted and timid, while it’s our girls who are climbing the walls, being rambunctious and rarely do as they’re told without a struggle. And yet still they go on about how boys are so “naughty” and hard work, and "girls don't misbehave" (verbatim quote from MIL!!!!) which I just find a bit insulting really, because if what they are saying is true, then it stands to reason that either we must have an easy life, or we must just be rubbish parents, because girls are supposed to be “naturally obedient” and yet we still have to put loads of work into getting ours to behave, so how hopeless must we be?

So, what’s the consensus? Is it true that boys are naturally naughtier and harder work, or is it sexist nonsense?

(For the sake of the poll, let’s stick to thinking about little children rather than older kids/teens.)

I’m really pleased that I don’t come across parents like this IRL. Reading some of these posts is depressing.

But you can’t draw conclusions on this based on anecdote when there’s scientific evidence of biological difference from birth. How much that difference affects behaviour is obviously more complex. But the idea that men and women are exactly the same or exactly the same but for the influence of testosterone on men is an (outdated) political one and not one which has any scientific basis to it.

Haha that reminds me of when I was younger, and one of my aunts (who had a very strong-willed pre-teen girl) couldn't understand why my other aunt (who had a very strong-willed pre-teen boy) said her son was difficult and she argued with him all the time. Aunt 1 actually said, "but he's a boy! What can they possibly argue about??!" Even as a child I thought that was a ludicrous thing to say 😂

So yeah, I can see that it cuts both ways, and it's all very annoying whichever side you get it from.

I think 'boy mum' isn't always meant to mean that it's a completely different motherhood experience but reframe that it is a fine and lovely thing to be a mother of boys.

Some truly awful things are said on here about having sons, that they won't bother with us when they marry and we won't be allowed to be involved with future grandchildren to anywhere near the extent that the wife's family will be. I do have one daughter but as a mother of many sons, I have felt upset by many of things I have read. It's quite cruel.

And 100% of the gender disappointment posts are always about having a boy. It's really sad. My boys are so loving and just such wonderful, interesting people - and all so different from each other!

I have three girls and the gender stereotyping annoys me. E.g. clothing, have you noticed the soles on girl's shoes are thinner and they can fall off their feet more easily? Why is that? Oh yeah, because of the stereotype that girls don't play outside/run/roughly. As a primary school teacher it makes me sad, I see so many girls with pretty little ballet pumps that stop them being able to climb or run, the stereotype is perpetuated in so, so many ways.

I totally agree OP.

I was at playgroup the other day and a childminder said to me “you’re not a mum until you raise a boy”

I’m the mum to one terror of a 2 year old girl. Safe to say I put her in her place

(I call her a terror, she’s lovely and ever so sweet but reckless and wild)

I’m a ‘boy mum’ and I dislike all this nonsense. I don’t actually think that having girls would have been any different. All nonsense and excuses for people to show off their kids and parenting (non parenting in many cases).

I find these types of #boymums tend to use it to excuse poor behaviour, lazy parenting essentially which presents differently in #girlmum type mums. Boys will be boys and all that absolute tosh. Raise your child to be a decent person regardless of sex, rough and tumble, chattering, interests etc are all down to personality of the individual child.

Totally with you OP. I was a mum of 'only girls' for six years before the little brother came along. When mothers, or just as likely fathers, of boys insisted on telling me that 'I had it easy', I was always tempted to tell them that no, in actual fact it's a harder task to protect girls from the sort of sexist nonsense they're spouting than to deal with the 'boundless energy' or some such of male preschoolers. Sadly, I was normally too polite to speak my mind. The one time I did, I'm glad to say the mother in question took it well.

It would be different if my son was non-white or we were living in an area where there's social pressure to join gangs. In the solidly middle-class environment where I was having these conversations, they were just idiotic.

I don't deny that a lot of boys use their bodies in more assertive ways than girls, that they can be noisier, have a more assertive style of playing etc. All of which are easier things to deal with than girls being urged, subtly or openly, not to be difficult, not to speak up for themselves, or to put up with body-shaming, with objectifying imagery, lies about how they should accept some men as women and so on.

Even now, my girls are difficult teens and the boy at 11 is still quite laid-back, and more attuned to others' moods than either of his sisters. Who knows what is coming down the turnpike when puberty strikes him, of course...

It’s a big neon sign that says:

‘I’m a ‘boy mum’ and a bit thick. I’ve probably grown up in a household that modelled pure gender stereotypes. My mum prided herself on domestic drudgery and my dad did sweet FA. So this mama bear is repeating the same sad ol’ cycle of sexism. I’m also totally oblivious of why that would be a problem.”

One of each and.... it's true for me. With my son we were never out of a and e.

It seemed he was on a mission to die.

Physically very hard but he was never rude or disobedient.

I somewhat disagree. Not necessarily due to the way they are inherently but due to the way they are socialised.

How could anyone think that is an OK thing to say. What a bizarre way of thinking.

@ChampagneBlossom44 Oh God! She sounds like my nemesis. The expression “Mamabear” is like nails down a blackboard and always seems to a bit of a litmus for identifying gobby arseholes with a bloodhounds nose for reasons to take offence whilst being spectacularly rude themselves in setting their own boundaries and “defending” their young.

It’s a shame there isn’t a spare continent all the Mamabears and their bubbas could populate and fall out with each other to their hearts’ content.

I would never engage with this stuff as I acknowledge there’s huge variety between girl personalities and boy personalities so no rule.

However, my girl has been loads easier to raise than my boy. They both like running around and getting filthy etc but it’s less relentless with my little girl and I can reason with her or distract her to a different activity as needed (same with dangerous things, she will listen and cooperate while he is very single minded).

My boy would have been quite happy to live in the woods and never to have been inside. Little girl is infinitely more sociable and articulate than he was at her age. I would have assumed it was more “nurture” than nature but it’s always been hard to juggle them both on one day as he would be playing in mud all day while she wants to come in and do puzzles after an hour no matter how much I encourage being outside is more fun.

Obviously there are loads of girls with similar personality to my son but I am not sure if the average girl is different to the average boy. Before I had children I’d have said “no” but a few years on I am less sure!

I agree OP- it's a load of sexist nonsense but it also happens the other way around!

Mums of girls saying stupid crap like "I'm SO glad I had a girl, I wouldnt know what to do with a boy, they're so rough tee tee!" - as if boys are a different species. They're children - all children need love and boundaries, it's not different just because you have a specific gender.

Also- google gender disappointment on MN and you'll see loads of women absolutely gutted they are pregnant with a boy because then they cant do "girly stuff" together, as if ALL girls enjoy that - just as sexist.

In the majority of cases (not accounting for edge cases, needs, neurodiversity etc), raising two little girls is absolutely and definitely easier than a boy/girl or boy/boy. I totally agree.

@ItsVeryHyacinthBucket how do you find it easier raising girls over boys? Certainly hasn't been my observation, especially in the teen years.

I completely agree with this.

Completely agree. An old friend has unfriended me on social media because I have challenged her on some of her sexist posts, including boy mum stuff.

I am constantly hearing the opposite that girls are harder to raise and I tend to agree!

My experience of having a son in my 40's, 13 years after having a daughter in my late 20's has been chalk and cheese. My son is exhausting in a way my daughter wasn't. I don't describe myself as a "boy mum" but my God he has been a (wonderful) challenge!

@tuberole it's a generalisation based on observations of friends/ playgroups/ social situations, not a scientific study. I find 'girl mums' generally have a far quieter, less physical, less boisterous time. I have one of both fwiw.

Yes!! I watched this! It was on the BBC if I recall correctly, part of a series on baby psychology.

It was fascinating, the adults sat there afterwards saying how the "girl" baby had gravitated towards the doll, when the video showed the adult passing the doll to the "girl" (who was actually a boy).

There was another experiment in the same programme where they got crawling babies to crawl up a beam, and their mother could choose how steep to make the beam, according to how good they judged their child's crawling ability to be. The mothers of girls were very cautious and only lifted the beam up slightly, while the mothers of boys set it steeper. Then afterwards the researchers set the girls' beams as steep as the boys' beams and showed that the girls had just as strong crawling abilities as the boys.

It really was amazing to see just how early gender stereotypes start being imposed on children, even in people who would swear down that they aren't sexist at all.

I agree, but the girl mum gang are even worse as it comes with smugness and pity towards poor old boy mums 🙄🙄🙄

I have boys and girls and the boys aren’t hard and the girls aren’t perfect.