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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

to think a lot of this “boy mum” stuff is a load of sexist nonsense?

292 replies

Cookiesandcream1989 · 23/10/2024 12:01

I’m always hearing people (on social media and in real life) talking about being “boy mums”, mostly saying how hard it is to raise boys as they are always being dangerous, loud, disruptive and disobedient, the tacit implication being that girls are quiet, do as they are told and that raising them is easy.

I have two girls, and I am not exaggerating when I say every single posts, video or anecdote of the supposedly “dangerous, madcap antics” “boy mums” have to deal with is something my girls do regularly. I’m thinking mostly of toddler/young children stuff. For example, I saw a video the other day of a child around 18 months trying to climb over a cardboard box and then tumbling off it (soft landing, no danger whatsoever), with a caption saying something like “see, this is what boy mums have to put up with!” and I’m just like… isn’t that just totally normal toddler behaviour for both sexes?? When my girls were that age I felt like they spent every minute of every day trying to climb up everything. My cousin posted one last week of her 3 year old splashing in some mud with a comment about being a “boy mum” and it was just such a massive eye-roll. As if little girl toddlers don’t love splashing around in mud every chance they get, too!

It's mostly just eye-rolling stuff, but it does actually sometimes annoy me, because I sometimes feel like people are assuming parents of girls have some sort of blessed easy life where we’re just sitting around getting our hair brushed, or relaxing while our perfect little angels play dollies, while “boy mums” are actually doing hard work, which is so far from the truth that it annoys me. My girls both come home from school/nursery covered in mud every day, they act like they are allergic to doing as they’re told, they climb, they jump, they playfight – and as far as I’ve seen of other girls, they are totally normal in this regard.

My in-laws especially are big on the whole “boys are loud and dangerous and misbehave and girls are quiet and obedient” thing (to the point where it comes up in conversation every time we see them🙄), and the weird thing is, our nephews on that side actually happen to be naturally very placid, introverted and timid, while it’s our girls who are climbing the walls, being rambunctious and rarely do as they’re told without a struggle. And yet still they go on about how boys are so “naughty” and hard work, and "girls don't misbehave" (verbatim quote from MIL!!!!) which I just find a bit insulting really, because if what they are saying is true, then it stands to reason that either we must have an easy life, or we must just be rubbish parents, because girls are supposed to be “naturally obedient” and yet we still have to put loads of work into getting ours to behave, so how hopeless must we be?

So, what’s the consensus? Is it true that boys are naturally naughtier and harder work, or is it sexist nonsense?

(For the sake of the poll, let’s stick to thinking about little children rather than older kids/teens.)

OP posts:
longapple · 23/10/2024 13:03

If they're parents that buy into the gendered clothing and toys then it probably is true to an extent. "girl" clothes are tighter and allow less freedom of movement, princess dresses are made of that mesh stuff that catches on sticks, girl shoes are less grippy and have open tops to let sticks and muck in if they play outside. The 'pink' toy aisle is full of nurturing quiet toys. Boys are dressed for 'action', encouraged into mud and given toys that encourage development of spacial awareness.
boys and girls often do behave differently because they are being brainwashed into it. it's depressing.

LifeExperience · 23/10/2024 13:04

I raised one of each. Both sexes are challenging in different ways and one is no more difficult than the other.

LifeofBrienne · 23/10/2024 13:04

As people have said, many adults interpret behaviour differently from boys and girls, seeing what they expect to see, when actually there's a wide range among both girls and boys.
It's also impossible to separate any innate differences between young boys and girls from those created by differences in parenting from babyhood onwards. Recent research found that even at two years old, girls are given less opportunity to play outdoors than boys. https://www.theguardian.com/education/2024/oct/18/girls-play-outside-less-than-boys-even-at-two-years-old-uk-survey-reveals

Girls play outside less than boys even at two years old, UK survey reveals

Researchers shocked at discovery that gender difference in physical activity appears to begin so early in life

https://www.theguardian.com/education/2024/oct/18/girls-play-outside-less-than-boys-even-at-two-years-old-uk-survey-reveals

blankittyblank · 23/10/2024 13:04

Urgh I hate this. And also, sexist stuff re boys/men, I really hate it when you see posts or videos like 'When Dads at home with the baby!" And it's some mad cap, jokey stuff. Why are we conforming to this idea that only men can joke around with the kids? It's so annoying! Mums are the sensible loving ones, Dads are the crazy fun ones! Urgh, eff off

LightDrizzle · 23/10/2024 13:05

Did anyone see that program a few years ago with a segment where a cross section of adults were filmed interacting with crawling/ pulling to stand age babies? They knew that it was being observed for a study but not what the subject of the study was. They were filmed in a room with a baby and a variety of toys but the babies were dressed in gendered clothes of the opposite sex. I think with one exception (one of the adults) the girl dressed baby boys were directed to the dolls, books and quiet activities while the boy dressed girl babies were put on the push along trike or handed a more maths type shape sorter or hammer toy or drum. A couple of the adults even moved the “girl” babies away from the trike when they made a beeline for them. The program showed the adults being shown the footage afterwards once they knew what was being observed and they were all amazed and mostly horrified. One woman was particularly taken aback because she worked in early years and would have sworn she didn’t do this.

I’ve noticed so many men will chuck baby boys up in the air and play physical games with them with much shrieking and laughter but not their nieces, daughters, granddaughters.

IcedPurple · 23/10/2024 13:05

I saw an interview with Rihanna a while ago when she was gushing about how much she loved having boys. Her boys at the time were a toddler and a baby. How could she possibly have noticed any 'boy' behaviour at such a young age?

I do think a lot of the boy mum thing is a reaction to the fact that these days, at least in Western countries, it's often considered a bad thing to have only sons, and it's assumed that parents of sons must be terribly disappointed not to have a daughter. You only have to read this forum to see that.

User37482 · 23/10/2024 13:05

Yeah my DD usually makes holes in her clothes or is trying to climb something to jump off it. Her last present to herself was a remote controlled car. It’s all just stereotypes. Most small kids are pretty full on and running around like maniacs.

DoIWantTo · 23/10/2024 13:06

I’m a mum of boys and girls, it’s a massive load of shite. Usually peddled by weak parents who allow their children to run feral.

tuberole · 23/10/2024 13:06

I saw an interview with Rihanna a while ago when she was gushing about how much she loved having boys. Her boys at the time were a toddler and a baby. How could she possibly have noticed any 'boy' behaviour at such a young age?

I suspect a somewhat defensive position when women get a lot of comments about "only" having boys and an assumption all women want daughters, probably even more so when a public figure.

Lordofthechai · 23/10/2024 13:10

I think lots of unhelpful sexist things get said. I also do think there are sex differences that are innate and when you have multiple sons there are particular dynamics. The same as if you have multiple girls there will be particular dynamics. I don't agree with voicing these continuously because a) every child is an individual not a representation of their sex b) usually any mention of sex differences is then expanded on in unhelpful or biased ways which become negative messaging to boys and girls.

IcedPurple · 23/10/2024 13:10

tuberole · 23/10/2024 13:06

I saw an interview with Rihanna a while ago when she was gushing about how much she loved having boys. Her boys at the time were a toddler and a baby. How could she possibly have noticed any 'boy' behaviour at such a young age?

I suspect a somewhat defensive position when women get a lot of comments about "only" having boys and an assumption all women want daughters, probably even more so when a public figure.

Yes exactly.

A few years ago a colleague of mine, who already had one little boy, told me she was expecting another baby. I asked if she knew what she was having and she told me it was another boy. Before I even got the chance to congratulate her, she said 'Oh but I'm really happy with that. My son will have a little friend to play with." It never even occurred to me that she would be disappointed with another son, but she seemed to feel the need to preempt me.

DinahSlade · 23/10/2024 13:11

I think its partly stereotypes and partly people speaking on their own experience. I had two boys close together and they rolled around together like puppies, cheerfully pummelling each other every minute they could. I never said the words 'boys will be boys' and 'boy mum' was not a thing then, but I think they did exemplify the sentiment behind those words.
I needed a breather after those two but a few years later I had a girl and boy close together. My third boy has a different personality yes but mostly I think because he doesn't have a brother close in age, he's just not rough and tumble at all. He's been by far the calmest and most easy going.

Isitfridayyetsophie · 23/10/2024 13:12

I have a son and he has moments where he’s boisterous, but nothing out of the realms of normal toddler behaviour for both sexes. I’d say to the groups and classes I go to, the girls tend to be the ones misbehaving or being rambunctious, they all have their moments though. They’re all individuals. The “boy mum” thing you see a lot on social media I find odd though!

MovingTooFast121 · 23/10/2024 13:12

YANBU. My daughter is far more wild than my son 😂

Cas112 · 23/10/2024 13:12

I would think its nonsense but my mum had four girls and I have a son and she says boys are 100% different to bringing up girls, she is amazed everytime she baby sits him haha

ChequerToRed · 23/10/2024 13:13

I’m a ‘boy mum’. He’s quiet, studious, and for 19, alarmingly sensible. He has no interest in rowdy nightlife, preferring fine dining and a glass or two of good wine. He’s always been like this. I asked him recently about his current look, long wavy hair and cultivating a small moustache, he said he was inspired by Louis XIV.
What’s my point here? That they’re all individuals and sweeping generalisations are silly.

Moppingul · 23/10/2024 13:14

Totally agree op. I have 2 boys and a girl, aged 6 and under.
One boy is very calm (although can be very silly and loud with friends!), sensible, kind, cautious, loves cuddles and snuggling with me on the sofa.
2nd boy can be a bit defiant, loves jumping, is confident, brave but also doesn’t take huge risks, hates dirt, loves kisses and cuddles.
My daughter..fearless, outgoing, takes risks, loves getting dirty and jumping and playing in mud, very strong willed! Also loves cuddling.
When I see these ‘boy mum’ videos I do tend to roll my eyes as it’s my daughter these apply to, not my boys! I think its 100% down to personality

TwistedWonder · 23/10/2024 13:14

As a boy mum (he’s now a young adult) I am thankful I had a boy and not a girl as although there’s challenges with both, I felt I had a far easier time than my friends with girls

ChampagneBlossom44 · 23/10/2024 13:15

I’ve a friend who’s built her entire identity around being a boy mum. Every other Facebook post is #mumofboys or #boyswillbeboys and all they’re doing is like, eating an ice cream or muddy trainers, which seem like quite unisex things to do.

no big deal but she takes it a step further by insisting she’d HATE to have daughters, girls are SO EMOTIONAL and SUCH drama but her 13 year old cries at the drop of a hat & frankly when it comes to drama it’s her middle name, she’s forever in a spat with another parent or teacher ‘protecting her boys’ because she’s a #mamabearofboys

H0mEredward · 23/10/2024 13:15

I find that the narrow minded people who assume all boys are loud, disruptive and disobedient are waiting to slip up so they can start their power trip.
I've lost count of how many times I've had to step in and advocate because my boy has reached for a toy theirs cannot reach to bring them down and the parent assumes that mine is just eying up what they can't reach and starts telling mine off.
If it's not over stepping it's herding and just you wait until quotes etc.
My little boy refused to go to a play area after some mum shouted "careful, you will break it!" When he walked passed a toy too closely (at least a metre away) and she assumed he was going to stand on it.

ToxicKat · 23/10/2024 13:16

Weirdly I have always heard it the other way round.. boys are better behaved and easier than girls.

Rhayader · 23/10/2024 13:16

I have two girls and one boy and my boy is very reserved. He’s not sporty at all (actually has dyspraxia) and isn’t really a big risk taker.

I’m due to have another boy next year so I’m expecting to be humbled.

BertieBotts · 23/10/2024 13:16

Of course it's sexist nonsense.

I have three boys and I think really the only boy-specific problem is my frustration with them all standing up to pee.

Also I think boy clothes are boring after they grow out of the bright colourful toddler stuff and gravitate towards black, grey, blue and brown because that's what society tells them are acceptably masculine colours. But I think this happens with pink as well, so hey ho.

RaspberryBeretxx · 23/10/2024 13:16

YANBU. I find it really frustrating. By wider family, it was always commented on how much my DS loves being outdoors, getting muddy, oh "typical boy" etc etc. My nieces love those things just as much as him! But it's never really commented on whereas when they do "girl" things like dancing/drawing etc, it is then commented on. Little drip drip of "this is how you are..." going on into DC's minds. So much confirmation bias.

The book "Delusions of Gender" by Cordelia Fine is a good one debunking many myths like this. There's also one by her called T-Rex I think about testosterone that I'd really like to read.

GeneralPeter · 23/10/2024 13:18

@LightDrizzle

I believe those studies, and they lend some support to the 'nurture' theory.

But they say nothing about whether there are actual behaviour differences between boys and girls on average.

If an Arsenal fan turns up wearing a Chelsea top, he/she will be directed to the Chelsea end of the stadium. That doesn't show that a fan's clothing is entirely arbitrary, offering no better guide than chance as to which team they support.