Failing my baby

[mumtoababygirl]

My baby is 4 months old, and I feel like I’m failing her. I’m really struggling with being a Mum.

She’s EBF, I wanted to be able to breastfeed so much and I can but I’m starting to hate it. She feeds all the time, 40 minutes minimum and the most she’ll go between feeds is an hour. Despite this she’s not gaining weight well, she dropped from 60th to 9th percentile for weight although has seemed to track on that for a few weeks now. Tongue tie was corrected at 3 weeks.

She doesn’t like being put down, she’ll do 5 or 10 minutes but then will cry to be picked up. She doesn’t like being in the sling or carrier or pushchair either, she’ll do a bit longer in those but only if we’re out of the house.

She doesn’t sleep. Contact naps in the day only and rarely longer than 40 minutes. If I try to put her down she wakes up instantly. She will go in her next to me at night but not until about 11pm, then she’ll wake up every hour unless I bring her into bed with me, which I do sometimes as I’m desperate but I hate doing it. Will only ever fall asleep on the boob.

I love her so, so much but I feel like I’m failing her, like I must be doing something wrong, like everyone else understands how to be a Mother and I don’t. I’m so worried I’m making her miserable.

AIBU?

If you feel that the breastfeeding is ruining the relationship with your baby, you know that there’s another option.

You are not failing her you are exhausted!
if she is sucking all
that time and not putting on weight then there is a possibility that your milk is not enough! It may be not rich enough? Are u eating well? Drinking water? Don’t be afraid of supplementing bottles. My friend was so determined to breast feed but ended up starving her child as she had no milk. Everything was fine when the baby got a bottle!

secondly babies like to be next to their mums and u may just need to cosleep. Read up about how to do it safely. So I wore lots of clothes to stay warm but didn’t have a cover on in case it went over my baby.

you can do this! You are a fantastic mum u just need some help and sleep!!
good luck!

You're not failing her, you are being an incredibly responsive parent with a slightly tougher type of baby. What you're describing was relatively normal for EBF babies I have encountered.

Other posters who have experienced the harder work variety of baby will have better advice than me (mine was the easy variety, and even those arent actually easy). However, I didn't want to read and run. Try to make sure you have enough support, and know that it'll get easier.

If you're concerned about her weight gain, it nay also be worth discussing some degree of early weaning with your HV.

Are you drinking enough water? I always had a big bottle with me and would drink the whole time I was feeding. If I didn’t drink much I didn’t make as much milk. There is medication that can increase your milk supply, like maxalon. It sounds like you just aren’t producing enough milk for her.

You're not failing, you're tired! Don't be afraid to top her up with formula - you may find she's more settled and sleeps better. It's worth a try I think. Breastfeeding is great but a settled baby and a less tired mum is better!

You’re not failing her as you obviously care for her and are meeting her needs. I found the first 6 months really difficult and honestly just felt like I was there to keep my child alive for everyone else to enjoy. It got easier around 6 months as she then became more interested in the world around her and toys, as well as giving more back in terms of smiles, giggles etc. Plus I went back to work a few days a week so I had something else to focus on and some other people to talk to - it can get very lonely with just a baby for company. In terms of sleep, Google sleep windows…we found this concept really helpful. Weight wise, mine also dropped from 50th to between 2nd and 9th and is probably still there at 8 years old - she’s just small for her age. She was referred to paediatrician when she stayed low on the centiles but discharged fairly quickly as they decided she was just following her own curve.

Go easy on yourself: You’re massively sleep deprived and things seem so much worse on such little sleep. Ask for help - your partner (if you have one) getting up with her at the weekend so you can sleep longer for example. Express milk if you can so someone else can give her a feed (or don’t be afraid to use formula). Find some (honest) mum friends. Sorry that was an essay but I wanted to say something as I have been where you are. It got better though.

Unless you are desparate to keep breastfeeding, why not switch to bottles and take that pressure off yourself.. you've done 4 months which is amazing, but truly no one cares one jot how you feed your baby as long as she is fed, and she might gain a bit more weight.

And... some babies are harder work than others. It's nothing you have done or not done. I had 4... I only managed to breastfeed for a few weeks, none of them slept well for a VERY long time and we bed hopped for years (I had three under two and a half so getting any sleep was a miracle)

It passes... and she will settle in time, but meantime, do whatever helps!

Have you considered an osteopath? Babies can carry a lot of tension from birth and it can identify and correct issues you may not be aware of.
Being a mum to a small baby is hard. You are struggling but you aren’t failing and nearly all of us struggle with parenting.

I would switch to bottle so you can see how much she is getting and get a chance to share the load. It's a personal choice. You're not doing anything wrong.

I’ve thought about formula, I’m genuinely so torn every single day, but the thought of stopping makes me feel so guilty. So many want to and can’t and I can but don’t want to? And I also do genuinely truly love it so much sometimes as well.

We also have stomach issues in my family and I feel like if I go onto formula just because BF is hard for me, if she ends up with them I’ll never forgive myself.

Exactly this. My son was like your baby - constantly feeding and at it for hours. He never seemed satisfied. It was so draining and restrictive.

I took him to an osteopath for an unrelated issue and she was treating him as he was feeding. Osteo noticed that he wasn't feeding effectively and made some adjustments to treat tensions. It instantly changed his feeding technique and feeding times halved because he could feed far more effectively than before. I breastfed until he self weaned at about 15 months.

I also second the question about water . You need to drink LOADS.

you may also be exhausted , that’s not good for your milk supply. Can you get someone to take the baby for a walk for an hour and you can sleep?

has someone professional checked your latch is good?

Babies love cuddling and comfort - can you tell yet when the baby is suckling for comfort rather than feeding? Unlatch the baby as soon as you can tell things are slowing down, never feed the baby to sleep in the daytime .

Have you had any support from an infant feeding specialist? What you're describing suggests an issue with milk transfer. I wouldn't expect a 4 month old to feed that long that often.

You could consider a private ICBLC lactation consultant or go through your local NCT feeding support group or Breastfeeding Network. There are in-person and online drop-in sessions.

Also check out Kathryn Stagg, Olivia Hinge, Lucy Webber on Instagram.

Society is broken when it is making mothers feel ‘guilty’ about doing things that help both them and their child, like using formula. How is making sure your baby is fed, full and happy failing. Answer - it isn’t, but mums like OP are brainwashed into thinking that making a conscious choice to stop BF as it isn’t working or not start in the first place is somehow a slight on your ability as a mother. Likewise if the baby cries. Babies cry. That’s how they communicate (especially if hungry as mother is feeling too guilty to get a bloody bottle out).
This isn’t a slight on OP. It’s on those who have reduced her to feeling like this.

I would recommend calling the National bf helpline. It’s open 24/7 so you could even call now. There is always a lot of outdated or misinformation on posts like this. They can help you work out what to do and have evidence based information.

www.nationalbreastfeedinghelpline.org.uk

They're very long feeds, I'm not surprised you're exhausted. I would definitely be seeing an ICBLC to look for any issues, ideally one qualified in tongue tie assessment too as they can occasionally grow back. My daughter was still feeding 30-40 mins at 3 months and it was tongue tie, improved massively once cut.
Regarding the sleep though I think that's all completely normal and certainly is for my EBF baby. I'm assuming you're falling prey to that rubbish online about putting baby down drowsy but awake, sleep training, patting in the cot. I know I did with my eldest. Honestly it's money making crap. Babies want to be on you all the time for months, mine is still like this at 8 months. You say she'll only sleep with the boob and won't be put down like they're problems but that's the normal state of things. Please don't feel you're failing your baby as it really really doesn't sound like it. It sounds like you're responsively meeting your baby's needs, tbh.

As @HiCandles has just said consider that tongue ties can reattach- this was certainly the case with my DD. Maybe worth getting a lactation consultant to check her again?

Its not necessary to switch to a bottle to see how much a baby is getting.

Sending you a big hug - currently sat feeding my 17 week old, so similar age. He's my second, I thought I was good at babies...turns out the first one was just easier than this one is!
A lot of what your describing sounds like a normal baby who is being brilliantly and responsively parented. You're doing a great job and always remember, YOU are the best mum your child could ever have and you're all she wants.
What you describe re feeding does sound like maybe something isn't quite as it should be. I'd agree with above posters that a breastfeeding expert (a lactation consultant) would be a really helpful thing here, to properly look at what's going on with regard to the lengthy feeds and her weight. If not, I would see if there are any breastfeeding support groups locally (there usually are!) and the breastfeeding hotline is also helpful.
I cosleep with baby which means we both get a lot more rest.
Happy to be pm'ed if you want someone to chat to about the joys (!) of these little pickles!

I could have written this exact post when my eldest was that age. Everyone else was already in a routine, sleeping loads, gaining weight and my baby was all over the place, floating around the 2nd centile, unpredictable sleeping, tongue tie, reflux, feeding for 40 minutes (sometime to the point my nipples were literally bleeding and blistered) and would only sleep either on me or being pushed in the pram so sleep for me was impossible.

I used to wish he would sleep in his cot...until he did sleep in his cot. And then I longed for the contact naps and milk-drunk cuddles and would give anything to go back to that time when my baby only wanted to nap with me.

While sleeping was elusive, I think it did contribute to my son being early walker and early talker (my second slept all the time, so had no time to learn to walk and talk until much later). So while I was worried about sleep habits and other mums had no cares, I had no fears about walking or talking where other mums then had their worries. We all worry about milestones one way or another.

My eldest is 7 now and still a night owl, but we have a great bond, he is bright and funny and kind and thoughtful. You are not failing your child in any way shape or form. You are building a solid, secure foundation and a strong primary bond.

You are not failing, you sound like such a lovely Mum! I have 4 children and honestly some babies are just harder than others, I had 2 who were just like you described, always held and didn't sleep when put down, they're just all different. Would definitely be worth checking with Lactation consultant or nurse just because of the weight situation, hopefully they can offer support but even if you did switch to formula you would not be failing your baby.

You’re not failing her at all - and the only contact napping / sleeping with you sounds really normal for a responsively EBF baby. I only managed with my second by having him sleep on DH for a few hours every evening so I could have some time alone to sleep / shower. He wouldn’t even sleep in the next to me at night - only under my arm on his side.
We practiced safe co sleeping which is much much safer than accidental / unplanned co-sleeping from exhaustion.
Regarding weight - either she’s found her centile and is ‘meant to be’ on the 9th, or there could be an issue with latch - as PP have suggested getting her latch assessed would be sensible if you choose to continue breastfeeding. The length of feeds makes me think it would be worth getting someone to take a look.
Breastfeeding while lying down / sleeping made things much easier - I think around the 3-4 month mark.

I didn't want to read and run, and I know you have so much good advice.
Are you trying to put her down in a CLEAN cot ?
Just an idea , put her down in clothes that smell like you , or dad . The clean white stuff doesn't work . She wants to smell mummy then she will go to sleep . I wrapped up the cot in whatever I was wearing that day. Could work for you

it sounds like you are doing an amazing job.
Can you feed lying down on your side and nap while baby feeds.

Of course you shouldn’t feel guilty if you change to bottle, but like you I knew I would so I didn’t and I am so relieved that I didn’t, so I would warn against it.

I echo above posters about drinks. Have a 2 litre bottle of water next to you, flask of tea, whatever. Nap in bed. Seek LLL guidance if at all possible and I promise you that this too shall pass. Weight loss can also be when baby calibrated somehow to their genetically expected weight. When I work out for my kids, 2 of them lost dramatic amounts of weight after a few months and it turns out that they were just skinny wee slips of things. My others much bigger.
Of course you shouldn’t feel guilty speak with your HV to get reassurance or help though. This is just a thought.

It’s so hard, you sound like you’re doing an amazing job. My Dd dropped from the 81st to below the 9th percentile by the time she was 6 months old. It’s such a kick in the teeth when you’re up all day and night feeding and it’s still not enough, I felt very similar to you. It turns out Dd had a cows milk allergy, we were prescribed a dairy free formula and she immediately started putting on weight.