Failing my baby

[mumtoababygirl]

My baby is 4 months old, and I feel like I’m failing her. I’m really struggling with being a Mum.

She’s EBF, I wanted to be able to breastfeed so much and I can but I’m starting to hate it. She feeds all the time, 40 minutes minimum and the most she’ll go between feeds is an hour. Despite this she’s not gaining weight well, she dropped from 60th to 9th percentile for weight although has seemed to track on that for a few weeks now. Tongue tie was corrected at 3 weeks.

She doesn’t like being put down, she’ll do 5 or 10 minutes but then will cry to be picked up. She doesn’t like being in the sling or carrier or pushchair either, she’ll do a bit longer in those but only if we’re out of the house.

She doesn’t sleep. Contact naps in the day only and rarely longer than 40 minutes. If I try to put her down she wakes up instantly. She will go in her next to me at night but not until about 11pm, then she’ll wake up every hour unless I bring her into bed with me, which I do sometimes as I’m desperate but I hate doing it. Will only ever fall asleep on the boob.

I love her so, so much but I feel like I’m failing her, like I must be doing something wrong, like everyone else understands how to be a Mother and I don’t. I’m so worried I’m making her miserable.

AIBU?

My second child was like this. It carried on for a while, but eventually he started to sleep, i was exhausted, especially after I returned to work. He’s 20 now and the first 2yrs were tough but he was the easiest child, never caused me a day’s trouble. I’d seriously think about dropping the breast feeding. As parents we beat ourselves up about everything, then regret all those wasted hours feeling bad. Millions of babies grow up on formula and it’s perfectly fine. Switching though didn’t make him sleep longer, but it meant other people (ie dad) could help

Hi OP, my second was exactly like this. To keep me sane we introduced a bottle of expressed milk (later changed that bottle to doula) once a day early evening. My husband gave this bottle so basically I did a last feed, went to bed and got a good chuck of sleep and then my DH gave a bottle and I woke again for the next feed. Fave me a good chunk of decent sleep and also a little relief for once. It's not a failure to introduce measures to maintain BF your baby. I also found because the baby would take. A bottle, I knew it was an option if I was ever unwell/touched out so it kind of took the pressure off feeling like it was all on me. We happily BF until 2 years this way. Your happiness and health is so important to also have a happy baby.

I also googled baby sleep routines and introduced one and I felt that helped. My baby wouldn't go down for naps as I found she woke when I unlatched. I found if I unlatched then immediately plugged her mouth with a dummy she could continue to stay asleep. My first never had a dummy but my second really needed that comfort and it really helped her sleep.

Please give it some thought and don't martyr motherhood and BF, you need to be happy too OP. Find what works for you and your family rather than sticking to the text book.

Because that’s not the only reason a baby would wake up & they don’t just nurse for food.
when cosleeping the baby is less likely to wake up because they get cold because they’re warmer with you; they can smell you & know you’re there so are less likely to wake up looking for comfort etc
there isn’t a magic method for sleep, each baby is its own unique person.
There’s lots of reasons that adults struggle to fall asleep even though they’re tired!
babies could wake up because they’re teething, unwell, uncomfortable, too hot, too cold, scared, hungry, growing pains etc

I wake up if my pajamas get twisted!
its all trial and error at this age and then when they get older things will change as they go through different developmental stages.
my baby only ever went down to sleep at 11 too, so we just put her to bed when we went to bed, we didn’t try any earlier so it felt less or a drawn out ordeal

OP your baby is still so tiny and biologically it is normal for her to still need and want to be with you. Some babies do go 'down' but lots of babies don't until they're abit older. We are technically carry mammals so it makes sense - even if it's ridiculously hard ! If you can bedshare safely please do that, or can you take shifts with your partner? This doesn't last forever, nothing does with babies as things just continue to change as they grow and develop.

Please reach out for some support as this is really hard and lots of mums feel this way - either your health visitor or la leche league are really good both in terms of feeding and sleep reassurance

laleche.org.uk/telephone-helpline/

DD2 was awake every hour overnight until she was around 7 months old. We coslept so I survived, it got a lot easier when she could find the boob without much help in the night. We did have a brief stint where she was on formula and a bottle due to a breast abscess but it didn't make things better, actually made things worse as she was a lot harder to settle.

The good news is that one week we went on holiday, thought we would put her in own room so we could have a couple of hours together in the evening, and she slept through and has slept through pretty much every night since and she's 2.5 now!

So it was a temporary issue, but those first months were tough and cosleeping was a lifesaver.

I honestly do think some babies just need to be closer to mummy than others to feel secure. Not that that makes it any easier when you have a little velcro baby. But it is developmentally normal and it's proof that you have shown yourself to be a wonderfully safe place for your baby.

The key is creating time for you in the midst of that to help yourself sustain it because it is very demanding.

Ds wouldn't have always been like that but he definitely went through real phases of it and during those times we would have co slept and it's hard. If baby sleeps through when you co sleep then I would trust your instincts that it's more a need to be close (because babies don't only nurse for nutrition, its also about a way of feeling safe and secure and connected to you) to be able to sleep. Sometimes I would have slept half in the next to me trying to get close enough to ds that he'd go over properly and he needed to me cuddled in against my arm to do it so I could lie in the bed on my own just to get that space.

You don't have to stop breastfeeding if you introduce formula. I did combination feeding from 3 months and honestly thought it was the best of both worlds. It also meant DH could enjoy that cuddly time when giving a bottle.

I think you are trying to hard for follow all the advice and get it perfect. In your position I would co sleep, it saved my sanity.

How are her poos? are they yellow? and is her skin clear? just wondering if the clingyness and weight issues could be linked to tummy troubles.

Co-slept with both of mine. Got more sleep.

Co-slept here, too. I just liked being close to my baby, too, as much as he needed to be close to me. It does mean that you sleep lighter, but better than being up & down all night. He would stir, rather than wake, then a quick pat & back to sleep.

You don't need to stop though. You can combifeed. I've moved to combifeeding because I just can't keep up with him. I switched at about 5 months. He still wakes every 2 hrs and won't really nap during the day. I don't feel bad at all.