Failing my baby

[mumtoababygirl]

My baby is 4 months old, and I feel like I’m failing her. I’m really struggling with being a Mum.

She’s EBF, I wanted to be able to breastfeed so much and I can but I’m starting to hate it. She feeds all the time, 40 minutes minimum and the most she’ll go between feeds is an hour. Despite this she’s not gaining weight well, she dropped from 60th to 9th percentile for weight although has seemed to track on that for a few weeks now. Tongue tie was corrected at 3 weeks.

She doesn’t like being put down, she’ll do 5 or 10 minutes but then will cry to be picked up. She doesn’t like being in the sling or carrier or pushchair either, she’ll do a bit longer in those but only if we’re out of the house.

She doesn’t sleep. Contact naps in the day only and rarely longer than 40 minutes. If I try to put her down she wakes up instantly. She will go in her next to me at night but not until about 11pm, then she’ll wake up every hour unless I bring her into bed with me, which I do sometimes as I’m desperate but I hate doing it. Will only ever fall asleep on the boob.

I love her so, so much but I feel like I’m failing her, like I must be doing something wrong, like everyone else understands how to be a Mother and I don’t. I’m so worried I’m making her miserable.

AIBU?

You’re not doing anything wrong.
My baby was exactly like this.
All babies are different. It’s not easy!
Keep doing what you feel is right.

I breast fed till 9 months but from the very early on gave formula for the before bed feed. If you are tired by the end of the day you will make less milk and the baby will be hungry. Babies suck even when there is no milk so I often thought my first baby was fed when she was still hungry. The formula did not affect my milk production. I stopped breast feeding when I felt I needed my body back.

I'm in exactly the same position OP. My little girl is 4 months and only sleeps/naps on me, can't get anything done, but she is sleeping through the night. I think they go through a growth spurt at this age because she is feeding more recently as well it feels almost constant. Hang in there!! It helps getting out the house and seeing people, even though it is challenging it makes the day go quicker. Easier said than done I know.

Sounds like the 4 month regression

You are not failing her. I assure you it is easy to look after an easy baby and incredibly hard to look after a more difficult one - I've had one of each! Can you get more help with breastfeeding from a support group? You can switch to formula too but I understand you want to breastfeed. You've done very well getting to 4 months. My children were born average size but setting on low centiles and are small kids, but do grow. My poor sleeper did improve in toddlerhood and is a very clever but intense child!

I co-slept. It was the only way to get sleep. I made it as safe as I could.

My DD would never fill up with my milk, we switched to bottle and she was instantly a different baby, absolutely wolfed it down. I was sad for a bit but also soooo relieved she was having a proper feed. Everything improved from then on and she's a thriving toddler now.

You are a fabulous mum, and how you feed your daughter will never change this. You could try combi feeding? I'm sure it's been suggested so apologies. Her feeding schedule sounds absolutely brutal for you. On the bottle mine was every 3-4 hours at that stage and each feed took about 10 mins.

Good luck and I promise it will get easier x

Rock her, sing, we used to bounce on a medicine ball until she dropped off. She loved the movement. Different babies will respond to different things. She'll be full and sleepy so shouldn't be too tricky

Not helpful. Spiteful even.

We decided to try her with a dummy first, so doing that tonight, but so far it’s much the same as last night. She finally would be put down at 11pm but hasn’t even slept an hour.

it just doesn’t make sense to me, I can see she’s tired, why won’t she let herself sleep 😭

Theres so much conflicting advice, I’d give her a bottle in a second if I knew it would help but what if it doesn’t, so far everything just gets worse.

You’re not failing her at all!!! You sound amazing and very caring. Just what she needs.

She sounds exactly like my DD who drove me bonkers with the exact same feeding pattern.

looking back I think she was uncomfortable. I’d had to take antibiotics shortly after giving birth and I think it wrecked her microbiome.

Not sure if you’ve had the same?. If I had my way now, I’d give her infant probiotics, there’s a Jarrow baby one with bifidobacteria Longum that’s so important for long term immunity development.

It might help settle her tummy? Just an idea. My DD has asthma and I wish I’d known to help with these autoimmune allergy things.

Some babies are very unsettled. I remember taking mine to a baby weaning class at 7 months and all the babies were happy sitting contented and mine was crying!! As usual!! I couldn’t have tried harder though, I loved her with all my heart. Still do of course.

Anyway my DD is extremely bright. Got loads of 9s and 8s at GCSEs just gone. Things will come right in the end! Don’t you worry 🥰

We did supplement bottle feeding because my supply was not great. I needed a lot of floradix to build up my iron levels to make milk. I was a bit malnourished looking back but I didn’t realise it at the time. You need lots of b vitamins and Floradix will help you too. I used to swig it from the bottle at some stage and started feeling so much better even within a few weeks.

As she’s not gaining weight I do wonder if you’re producing enough milk?

have you tried pumping to see what’s coming out? I did this and it wasn’t enough. That’s how I knew she was hungry.

Eventually with enough stimulation from the breast pump and good vitamins my supply went up. I breastfed until 20 months. It was incredibly hard work though. Mentally and physically exhausting

Also at 4 months the sleep got worse. Looking back she was teething early. Her first tooth came at 5 months and the month earlier she was already unsettled because of that.

i seem to remember there was some teething gel. You could try a spot on her lower middle gum and where the first tooth would come in to see if it helps. It might be tingly and sore.

You are definitely not failing her! Being a new mum is so hard - I never understood when people talked about sleepless nights as new parents until I had my own DC, then I realised what they meant!

I can't add anything to the great advice given by other posters, but just wanted to say I am sure you are doing your very best for your little one and it does get easier!

Definitely not failing because you are doing all you can for your baby you love and whatever decisions you make about feeding will not impact the mother you are.

I'm here with an 8 mo who doesn't like sleep 😴 2nd time round so I thought I would know what I'm doing now 😅

Why don't you try a bottle? She might get full on it and sleep properly. It's worth a try, and has happened for other babies. (NB I know it's not a on size fits all thing.)

This - the problem is that someone checking the latch and going "It's fine" but you're having very frequent feeds and poor weight gain which suggests something is very much not fine. That's an inadequate response from them - unfortunately not uncommon. But it needs a proper investigation, not a cursory look at the latch.

I wish it wasn't so hard to seek out actual good experienced BF help and support in the UK. Please know, OP, whatever you do, you are doing fantastically well for your baby and it's OK to go whichever way your gut takes you. Whether that's pushing for more support (the above quoted post is the most effective route to that but it's also TOTALLY valid if you are done and just can't keep pushing) or looking at mixed feeding or switching to formula. Ultimately the way you're going right now is just going to make you ill and you are worth more than that. Please take whichever route is going to give you the most peace. If your baby doesn't get on with standard formulas, there are lots of other options for him too - you won't give him tummy issues.

Shes just woken again from another 48 minute sleep 😭

If she was hungry, and that was the reason she was waking so frequently, wouldn’t she still wake up when I bring her in bed with me? If I cosleep with her she doesn’t wake up - or maybe just once.

I think it's worth trying formula to see if it's a hunger thing, regardless of if she wakes with you. She could be exhausted and is more comfortable sleeping with you, but I wouldn't rule it out as a possibility.

Please don't beat yourself up about breastfeeding, honestly.
I had a terrible time with it, managed a few weeks and the first time tried formula it was the first time baby was truly content and not constantly crying.
Everyone's different, mums and babies.
I'll never forget the pressure some try to give, like the cow of a midwife who muttered "oh well if you don't want what's best for your baby" after I'd had my second. No, I know what's right which is why I'm doing it. 🙄
You sound amazing, keep on doing you

Can you speak to your health visitor .You sound like you are finding things difficult and need to talk through your options and get some support .If you are stressed with breast feeding it could be affecting your let down.As others have said babies are lovely but the first months can be so difficult .You could do with some support and reassurance .You have done so well so far .

to help with the breastfeeding. have you considered hiring a lactation consultant? it really was what helped me to at least get to a stage where we can combi feed.

sleep wise i do wish i was more help. mine was terrible in the cot. the moses basket we bought pretty much has become a glorified cat basket. at least the cat enjoys it i suppose. in the end to thing that saved us was the snoo and him now being a bit older. still very clingy but him now sitting independently gives me at least a bit of a break.

Have you had the tongue tie looked at again? My DC had it corrected at the hospital at birth but at 3 months a visit to the osteopath showed that it’s still too tight. Apparently the way they feed changes at around 3 months and it can be impacted by this. We have an appointment with a dental specialist to have it examined. I’ve found the osteopath helpful with a couple of issues so perhaps something you could try?

I agree that topping up with formula is a good idea if she’s not getting enough. If she’s constantly feeding she may be hungry.

You’re not failing, this stage is utterly exhausting! It’s hard to know what the best thing to do is but you seem to be trying everything you can!

To me personally I wouldn't risk leaving her hungry even if you think she co-sleeps and isnt. What can get worse if you give her a bottle? Honestly you're being a martyr now. Try her with one bottle before bed. Formula isn't poison, it's a perfectly acceptable way to feed a baby. If you continue to BF you'll still be giving her all the goodness from that anyway, it's one bottle at night.

I've got a 3 month old. I've heard the 4 month regression is a bastard.

I combifeed and I have to say you EBF mums are hard-core. It seems much,much harder than supplementing with formula, and I mean that as a compliment.

Please talk to your health visitor about this and your mental health. You sound low - understandably so - but you're also beating yourself up - completely needlessly! Your baby is alive and well.

It's hard looking after them and I had a lot of the same anxieties as you over co-sleeping. I also worried about overheating so my baby is on the cool side at night- when I get it right and he's warm enough he sleeps well - maybe your baby is warmer with you? Apologies for making such a basic suggestion but it never occurred to me that was one thing we were getting wrong...

If you can bear it, try adding in a bit of formula. We use ready-made in bottles. You may find you have got into a negative spiral of being overtired and stressed which is affecting your supply- so your baby requests feeds more often, which tires you out, which affects your supply etc.

The best baby is a fed baby. If you only give one breastfeed a day you are doing enough for their immune system. If supplementing with formula helps the baby go longer between feeds everything else will be easier. You could even hand them over to someone else for the occasional night!

I hope it's OK to make suggestions - my best friend was EBF and it wasnt working and it all got too much and she cracked and moved onto formula. She said it was the best thing she did for herself and her baby, as she enjoyed being a mum again.

But you could add in a bit of formula and that might help you keep breastfeeding longer, in the end. I love breastfeeding but it can be a total mindfuck sometimes. It feels so profoundly personal and so connected with your identity as a woman and a mother.

Best of luck xxx