Failing my baby

[mumtoababygirl]

My baby is 4 months old, and I feel like I’m failing her. I’m really struggling with being a Mum.

She’s EBF, I wanted to be able to breastfeed so much and I can but I’m starting to hate it. She feeds all the time, 40 minutes minimum and the most she’ll go between feeds is an hour. Despite this she’s not gaining weight well, she dropped from 60th to 9th percentile for weight although has seemed to track on that for a few weeks now. Tongue tie was corrected at 3 weeks.

She doesn’t like being put down, she’ll do 5 or 10 minutes but then will cry to be picked up. She doesn’t like being in the sling or carrier or pushchair either, she’ll do a bit longer in those but only if we’re out of the house.

She doesn’t sleep. Contact naps in the day only and rarely longer than 40 minutes. If I try to put her down she wakes up instantly. She will go in her next to me at night but not until about 11pm, then she’ll wake up every hour unless I bring her into bed with me, which I do sometimes as I’m desperate but I hate doing it. Will only ever fall asleep on the boob.

I love her so, so much but I feel like I’m failing her, like I must be doing something wrong, like everyone else understands how to be a Mother and I don’t. I’m so worried I’m making her miserable.

AIBU?

I didn’t want to see this and run without leaving a comment. I personally found the 4-5 month period fucking awful. Everyone had said that it gets easier after 3 months and when it actually got worse because of the 4 month sleep regression, I was so so low.

it does sound like you need to get some support on the feeding front, which I’m not going to attempt to offer advice on, but I just wanted to say that it does get better from a ‘feeling like I’m drowning’ point of view, when they are this age. The absolute game changer for me was safely cosleeping and feeding lying down. I just leant into giving her as many cuddles as she needed and accepted that it was going to be like this for a little while. I was genuinely saying ‘why on earth didn’t I do this sooner’. Yes the sleep is disturbed, but so much less so than trying to feed whilst up and then doing the transfer.

My daughter is 7mo now and she’s in her own room at night- sleeping through some nights, but on average one or two wake ups, so SO much better than it was at 4 months. Still struggling with wanting contact naps in the day, but the nights are getting better and I have a mattress on the floor in the nursery for those really bad nights where she just won’t settle! I literally didn’t do anything to actively change it, other than periodically put her back in the next to me to check if she was ready, as she started to push away a little after feeds in the night. I found she just gradually was happy being moved away, but it was very slowly.

Just do whatever you can to get through each day and you’ll suddenly realise the fog is starting the lift and it’s all getting easier. I certainly didn’t appreciate how hard it would be, and I do think breastfeeding makes it harder because it all falls on you- the amount of people who suggested doing it in shifts with my husband used to piss me off, because it just wouldn’t work like that. But you are absolutely not failing your daughter- you are obviously doing everything you can and you should be really proud of yourself. It’s so bloody tough.

I find that most of the time she does fall asleep whilst drinking the bottle, and if not I just bf for a few minutes after to help her drift off. If she's looking really sleepy I put her in the cot and she sometimes falls asleep on her own- she's a bit older than yours though, 7 months now.

I remember the feeling. With my first she didn’t latch in properly which made feeding her difficult. Then I caught mastitis and the health visitors said she wasn’t getting enough food.

I didn’t breastfeed her for long. Maybe a month? We moved over to formula. I also had PND and so it was helpful that I wasn’t the only one in charge of feeding her.

I’ll add that although the baby phase feels very long (I currently have a 6 month old so I know how long it can feel when you are with them day in and day out!) But when I look at my 12 year old, it’s a reminder that the baby phase does not last forever. By the time they are 1 they can pretty much have anything else.

As other PPs have said, look at alternatives. Get some support. Please don’t feel like it’s your fault - every baby is different and we can only do what works for us. It’s great that you’ve tried - that makes you a great mum!

I’ve had lots of support with breastfeeding to be honest, the tongue tie was done and then I go to a weekly support group, I’ve had my latch checked by about 4 people and all said it seems fine, and also had some extra weigh ins with the health visitor who think she has just “found her curve” now. Been to the GP for her weight who was also happy with her health - some of my family are naturally slim (not me sadly!) but it sometimes just still adds up on the “things I’m doing wrong” side in my mind.

we had the worst night we’ve ever had last night. I ended up bringing her into bed with me around 2am, I feed her lying down but the next day it makes me feel so anxious when we’ve coslept, I’ve done lots of research on it and follow the safety advice but the horror stories just stick in my head.

Just wanted to say @mumtoababygirl you are an incredible mum.

If you move to formula it doesn't have to be all or nothing on one type of feeding. In the early days, my milk took weeks to come in and we ended up combining-feeding; introducing 2 bottles. My partner gave the bottles; this gave me time to rest - and only when I rested, did my milk properly come in. You need rest for the milk to come in. Eventually we were able to drop the formula as my milk increased, baby was able to feed more and better as they got older. Could be worth consideration. You could speak to GP about getting lactose free milk on prescription. Wishing you the best. You're in the trenches but it will get better x

Babies get to a point when they become much more efficient at feeding - from memory it is around this age. They also get much more interested in the world around them. It does get easier!

We also cosleep and I found it a game changer. Do your own research of course but most of the horror stories are when parents were not following safety guidelines. There are some instagram accounts that are really helpful for advice on how to do this safely e.g. Cosleepy.

Tracking weight too closely will drive you mad as well as they’ll drop a few percentiles if they have a cold and you can totally overthink it.

Sounds like you’re doing great!

My (now adult) baby was a velcro baby. You just have to go with it - babies, like people, are all different. Don't judge yourself by what anyone else does. Do what your baby needs, like you are doing. You haven't failed her in any way. She loves you and wants to be with you.

Obviously if bottle feeding is the route you want to go down then consider it, but I feel your baby is showing signs of other issues and jumping to formula as an answer is ignoring the other issues.

To be feeding that long at a time and then feeding again an hour later it sounds like there are some issues with milk transfer. Tongue ties can reattach so I would get that looked at again, and it's possible she also has a lip tie or something else going on.
I would probably see a lactation consultant to check position and latch too as sometimes that can make a difference.

I would also consider seeing an osteopath, with you saying she isn't happy lying down for long at all. Does she have a boob/position preference? Or a head turning preference when she's lying down? Screaming in the carseat might be a sign too.

The other thing is obviously if there is a medical issue going on that might be affecting weight gain. Something like an allergy or a malabsorption issue that could mean she isn't processing the milk properly. So consider GP or health visitor.

You're doing a fantastic job. But honestly I find it so difficult when people suggest just giving a baby a bottle when that quite often isn't the (only) solution.

I could have written the same as you at 4 months with my first - feeding constantly and never seemed settled. I had lost so much weight. I felt I was failing and was exhausted and broken. If you want to keep breastfeeding call the National Breastfeeding Line - I did and they found me a group like La Leche League who took care of me. My baby refused all bottles when I tried at 6 months ( but to be honest I didn't have the support of her Dad and it is best if someone else tries intially) You have done amazingly well and no decision is a bad decision so don't feel any guilt.

Don’t stress about cosleeping. I did that too with my youngest. It’s dangerous if you are affected by drugs (including prescription) or alcohol, but otherwise it’s fine. I wouldn’t put the baby between me and my husband and keep pillows ect away. Mothers have co slept with babies since humans first appeared. It’s only now that we have changed things.

You're not failing your baby.
Lots of people find breastfeeding is challenging, even when really wanted, its a both a blessing and a burden in some ways.
I think its best to try not to compare to other people if possible, lots of babies don't want to be put down, don't sleep long stretches & cluster feed.
It gets better in some ways and harder in others, steps forward and backwards constantly but nothing is permanent. It will all change, so try to remember that there are easier days ahead.
If you're being safe with cosleeping, don't beat yourself up. We coslept from 4 months because her sleep was terrible and it was the only way for us all to get any decent amount of sleep.
Don't be afraid to combi feed or formula feed if that is better for you. But be aware that getting your baby to take the bottle may be a challenge in itself.
We rocked to sleep sometimes and transferred to cot.
The first period of being a parent is really hard, so many new things to worry about, try to give yourself grace, your baby is healthy, you are trying your best, you care and love your baby.

The more posts the sadder it gets. Poor mite is hungry.

Ridiculous comment, and harmful to the OP who is already (wrongly) assessing herself as failing. Isn't it just as likely she is a baby who wants to be held as much as possible - it's hardly unusual to have a Velcro baby at 4 months old.
You should be ashamed, trying to make the OP feel worse.

Ah op it sounds like you're doing amazing. Honestly raising a child is incredibly hard especially in the early months when they just need you so much all the time. And breastfeeding is very very hard, physically and on the head as well. My ds really struggled with weight gain as well and it was only at about 8 months I started to actually enjoy breastfeeding and it wasn't something that was paired with a huge worry over weight gain and how often i had to feed etc etc etc. It can be a very constant source of worry. So I think you're incredible and deserve to give yourself the credit for how hard you've worked to get this far. The lack of sleep and the stress don't last forever but they are really really tough when you're in the thick of it.

I think it's important to note a few things here - first breastfeeding looks like a whole lot of different things. Often we're just sold the idea of a woman solely feeding directly from the breast when in reality breastfeeding is also pumping and exclusively bottle feeding, its also nursing and supplementing with formula and many other options in between. So you are allowed to try things to see what works for you and your family including switching to sole use of formula if that's what you want to do.

What support do you have at home? I found my wee one would have looked to feed much more when I was around but actually would have been more settled for his dad even I was in a different room or went out for a bit. I'd also have expressed milk and then his dad gave him a bottle while I went to sleep in the evening so I wasn't going into the night with lots of wake ups already drained. I felt really guilty and anxious being separated from him but I needed it. Take any and all help offered and sleep during the day if baby does the housework etc can wait and someone else could do it.

You need to protect your mental health,I had really bad ppa and lack of sleep was a major trigger for me. So you need to weigh up your own needs here too.

Also Co sleeping is fine provided you're in a safe position and nhs now offer guidance on this. Speak to your hv about safe sleeping positions. Many women who bf co sleep (its proven to help women sustain bf because of the demand during the night and actually means on average bf mothers statistically get more sleep than ff mothers according to some studies) so if you need to cosleep do it, just make sure you're in a safe set up. Or do it while someone else is around who can check in on you both if that gives you peace of mind. The happy co sleeper on Instagram is really useful for tips and advice

Ultimately op, you are the cog that keeps all the wheels turning... its normal to want to put your baby first but actually YOU need to be the priority so you are able to provide for your baby. So you do what feels right for you.

That sounds so difficult. Has anyone checked whether the tongue tie has reattached? My ebf baby's weight dropped round about the same age and it was so stressful. She tended to yo-yo between the 30th and 50th centiles for a good while. Does she feed as often during the day or is it more at night? Sometimes people advise to feed more during the day so that babies aren't as hungry at night.

Equally, if you really feel like you need some more sleep, there is nothing wrong with asking your partner to take baby for the first part of the night and giving a bottle.

An evening bottle to take pressure off. Also might help with association between feeding and sleep.

Sorry havent rtft but the very fact you are posting this (on mumsnet - where replies can be brutal) shows you aren't failing your child. You clearly care about your baby loads and loads.

You are in the thick of it at the moment - your hormones are still very postpartumy (medical term) and you are so so sleep deprived. In a year's time you will look back at this with a perfectly fine and healthy toddler and wonder why you were worried.

But of course if you are struggling mentally please ask for help. Sending hugs.

I would still consider it. Or look at the ones I mentioned instagram pages, lots of useful advice. 40m is a long time for a baby this age, they usually get very efficient. Switch feeding, breast compressions or different positions may aid milk transfer (and weight gain) and also perhaps reassure you what you’re describing is normal.

big hugs to you xxx

You could offer formula too, just for a while to see if makes a difference. I breastfed my DD for 15 months but also introduced formula around 4 months as I did shared parental leave and went back to work for blocks of time. I breastfed more when I was back home with her again. I always liked giving her formula too because I felt it made sure she was getting any vitamins I was short of.

I have 2 children. One was breast fed. One was formula fed. Breast fed baby has stomach issues.
You've done 4 months, there are literally baby foods in the supermarket for 4 months+
Try and introduce a bottle and see how you feel, you can still breast feed as well but a bottle before bed could be helpful

OP I don't know if this has already been mentioned but it sounds to me like a classic case of silent reflux. It peaks at about 4 months.

DS1 was the same. He could not be put down, he was feeding CONSTANTLY to help ease the pain from the acid. It was exhausting. We cut out dairy and that eased things a bit. We were prescribed lansoprazole which is what really made a difference, and then he slowly grew out of it.

DS2 who is 2 months is showing signs of the same. He's been prescribed omeprazole which I'm giving him now, because I cannot go through it all again.

Hope things get better for you soon.

This sounds so rough @mumtoababygirl

A couple of thoughts:

• Could you buy a pump and bottle feed breast milk, this would help you monitor intake
• Do you pick her up immediately when she cries? My baby wakes and whimpers for a couple of minutes but goes back to sleep half the time
• Does baby appear to have bad wind or something waking her up so regularly? Is she waking herself up a lot trying to pass gas?

I hope this thread gives you some answers you need. The lack of sleep must be so rough. You're not failing your baby by any means 😘

www.basisonline.org.uk/parents-bed/

You're not doing anything wrong. Baby sleep is a complete rollercoaster especially in that first year it's so up and down (usually down for quite a bit) but does eventually get better. sarahockwell-smith.com/2017/07/24/the-rollercoaster-of-real-baby-sleep/
Babies sleeping better on formula is a myth look up professor Amy brown she has some great videos on YouTube/facebook.

Once I embraced cosleeping I felt a huge relief. Based on what I read because I was EBF and I did not having any risk factors and following safe cosleeping guidance it was as safe for my baby as a cot.

I also felt how you did. Have you spoken to anyone about how you're feeling ? Your partner / health visitor / GP?

sending you a massive massive hug. you are doing so well. it’s great you are breastfeeding your baby but really there is nothing wrong with formula or combi feeding. i really wanted to ebf but unfortunately after my c section my milk was never quite able to keep up with demand so in the end we realised that fed is best.

like your baby my little boy could not be put down. we tried 3 different cots before one finally worked. it gets a bit easier once she can sit independently.

My DS was the same. I look back now (he's 7) and I think I wasn't producing enough milk. If I could go back in time I would have bottle fed him much earlier rather than have 6 months of hell.