Failing my baby

[mumtoababygirl]

My baby is 4 months old, and I feel like I’m failing her. I’m really struggling with being a Mum.

She’s EBF, I wanted to be able to breastfeed so much and I can but I’m starting to hate it. She feeds all the time, 40 minutes minimum and the most she’ll go between feeds is an hour. Despite this she’s not gaining weight well, she dropped from 60th to 9th percentile for weight although has seemed to track on that for a few weeks now. Tongue tie was corrected at 3 weeks.

She doesn’t like being put down, she’ll do 5 or 10 minutes but then will cry to be picked up. She doesn’t like being in the sling or carrier or pushchair either, she’ll do a bit longer in those but only if we’re out of the house.

She doesn’t sleep. Contact naps in the day only and rarely longer than 40 minutes. If I try to put her down she wakes up instantly. She will go in her next to me at night but not until about 11pm, then she’ll wake up every hour unless I bring her into bed with me, which I do sometimes as I’m desperate but I hate doing it. Will only ever fall asleep on the boob.

I love her so, so much but I feel like I’m failing her, like I must be doing something wrong, like everyone else understands how to be a Mother and I don’t. I’m so worried I’m making her miserable.

AIBU?

This is so normal! I could’ve written all this myself.

My baby is 7.5 months and will now go down for naps but this has only started in the last few days.

They also breastfed for really long sessions til 5/6 months then stopped. Born 95th centile now stable and tracking at 25th so no concerns there.
I absolutely love EBF as I’m too lazy to pump and deal with bottles. You trade one thing for another. Also cba dealing with constipation.

Started cosleeping at 4 months which revolutionised our sleep. I opened up the side of the cot.

Sounds like a really tough baby and you must be so sleep deprived. I had a much easier baby in general but also one who dropped percentiles and fed for ages. We were told to limit feed to 30 mins max and then offer a top up afterwards from a bottle. I pumped a bit to achieve this and used a bit of formula and just did it in the day as couldn't be bothered with extra faff at night. We got back to EBF and dropped this top up process once the weight was more stable (tracking 2nd centile) but it could be like PP said that they are just adjusting to 9th. I would definitely ask for some help about feeding and see what your support network can do to help you get some longer stretches of sleep

Oh op - I could hear myself in your message! Which I only say to help you feel less alone. You are a lovely, responsive mummy who will probably end up with a baby with a really strong bond.

I coslept and combi fed. When my oldest had problems putting on weight I would do breast feed, bottle feed, breast feed. She got chunky pretty fast and my supply was fine.

she also never tolerated being put down, and is still pretty cuddly at 5.

both of mine had lip ties and I found feeding with nipple shields helped.

it’s impossible to see the woods for the trees at this stage, you must be exhausted. It will keep changing and improving!!

EBF is about you, not her, it seems.

She so obviously needs more food, and that's what formula is for.

Mine was the same! Always feeding, never sleeping, but losing weight. It was CMPA. He's so allergic he was reacting to it through my milk.

Had I given him formula it would have made him worse. Because they're unprocessed cows milk while your breastmilk has it broken down like hydrolysed formula (prescribed only).

I'd ask your GP about a dairy trial before giving up.

I have known a couple of people give up breastfeeding because of same issue, only to find their babies got worse leading to CMPA diagnosis. One bless her, her baby was also allergic to something else (Coconut maybe) which is in all the allergy formulas. By the time it was worked out her breastmilk had gone but there was no formula for her baby that didn't make her sick. Allergy babies commonly have another allergy - mine is dairy, soy and egg. Almost always do better on breastmilk with mum on an exclusion diet than formula.

This kind of rhetoric is the problem. My baby was EBF with me consuming cows milk and dropped from 80th to 20th centile. Excluded cows milk from my diet and baby went back up to 50th centile. Still EBF.

Didn't need more food, just not to be allergic to it. Would have been even more allergic to normal formula.

I was desperate to EBF and was heartbroken when I couldn’t. Cried and bullied myself for months that I had failed my daughter.

In the long run, she was formula fed and slept through the night from 4/5 months. Not an exact science of course, but of the mums I am close with who breastfeed, they are exhausted and their babies do not sleep through. Bottle fed the opposite. Same with my daughter would nap in the day fine, their babies didn’t.

There are pros and cons to each side of this and the best advice I received was - if BF starts to affect your mental health it’s time to make a change. I’m not trying to say that bottle feeding is the holy grail etc I’m just saying it isn’t a bad pathway either. This is such a hard journey for all us which you aren’t alone in. Please know that you aren’t failing her and most of the mums I know (and myself) are pretty much winging it.

I hope this helps in some way x

Are you feeding off each breast until empty? Is she perhaps just getting the fore milk which is thirst quenching but low on calories, the hind milk is fattier.
Re sleep we went with the view ( one of so many opinions) that babies need to learn to self soothe and go to sleep. They are born to wake at night and sleep in the day and that needs slowly reversing. I get that a hungry baby is less likely to settle, but that aside, the shush pat technique worked for us after about a week and they did start to settle in the crib then sleep.
lots of advice to try. The fact that you are bothered proves you are not failing your baby. It’s so hard, tiring and frustrating as there’s no right or wrong way, it’s finding what works for you both. Good luck

Thank you for so many such kind words.

She used to be a pretty good sleeper, she’d do an initial stretch of 4-5 hours, then go back down for two hour stretches. It felt fine. I was so happy and on cloud 9 at finally being a Mum.

It all changed about a week after she turned 3 months, now the longest stretch she’ll do is about 2 hours initially, then I’m lucky if I get an hour after that.

The day she turned 4 months it got worse again, in that she just won’t go down before 11pm now. I thought I got lucky tonight because she fell asleep at 10:20pm, but she only did an hour, I fed her back to sleep and then she woke up ten minutes later. She’s feeding again now. My anxiety is just through the roof with the lack of sleep and I really think I’m bordering on depressed.

I used to give mine a bottle last thing at night, to get them to go a bit longer so I could sleep. How about adding in one bottle a day and see how that goes, if it doesn’t work you can just go back to breast feeding?

Bottle feed her. You’re not getting your priorities right here - a happy, well rested mum is far more important than breast feeding.

Mine are now 24 and 16. As far as I can tell from their health and achievements, the benefits of breastfeeding are overrated.

Perhaps you should look at it that your baby isn’t sleeping enough either, so a bottle might help her settle longer.

Formula feed.

It's perfectly fine and if it means you're a happier mum, you'll have a happier baby.

Is the four month sleep regression still a "thing"? When mine were wee we were told their sleep might get worse around 4 months, and mine certainly did! It picked up again.
You sound like a lovely mum, you are not failing your baby.

You have already done very well to EBF for 4 months, I had to combo feed from the start (told to by drs) as I didn’t have enough milk and I can promise you now that my very active and healthy 8 year old is doing fine!.
Start introducing one bottle a day in the afternoon or eve and see how they go. There is no shame in formula, fed is always best and you need to sleep for your babies interest as well as your own.

As pp have suggested, it could be worth trying a bottle at bedtime- then it doesn't mean that you are stopping bf, you are just supplementing it. I did the same as my baby was losing weight, and the HV was worried about her weight loss. Despite doing all the things you are meant to (bf on demand, pumping after each feed to increase my supply, drinking lots, resting, taking fenugreek, eating lots of galactalogues, even trying domperidone) I just couldn't make enough milk for my hungry baby- keep in mind that some medical conditions can make it harder to produce enough (ex. I have pcos and hypothyroidism). Many babies are happy to both breast and bottle feed. Also then your partner can give her a bottle at night, to let you.occasionally sleep a little longer. Sending hugs, I know how hard it is, but you'll come out the other side soon x

If I give her a bottle at bedtime, how can I get her to fall asleep afterwards?

Does she have a dummy?

she should fall asleep if she is full. Sounds like she is just not getting enough and so is hungry.

Ah OP I could have written this on my first child! It's so so tough around the 4 month mark. Just browsed the thread but teeth are probably making a move now too - you could try a dose of Calpol to see if it helps?

Her behaviour is very normal for an EBF child but just to say you don't have to do all or nothing. Your wellbeing is so important too, and switching to combi feeding is something a lot of mums do around the 4 month mark. You've done so well getting this far and there's no shame sharing the load with a formula bottle every now and then. You can still give the benefits of breastfeeding and use a nightly bottle for your rest. With a little sleep and time to yourself you'll feel a million times better.

Also just on this - do you have a partner to help with a bottle? If so, Id leave all of it up to them - prepping, feeding and settling after. I did this on my second baby and my DH figured it out quickly enough. Did have to tough through hearing some cries which was really hard to do tbh, but they found their feet together. Having that autonomy in becoming the expert in part of the baby rearing has been great for their bond.

Re the slow weight gain, please reach out to a lactation consultant (lots do online consultations too) and get some advice, there will be small tweaks to make her feeding more effective. You don’t have to continue if you don’t want to, but you also are allowed to continue if you desire. You could also combination feed, a bottle of formula of an evening might give you some sleep and a break enough to feel less broken!

I can recommend Lucy Webber or Charlotte Trietl who are lactation consultants who do online appointments and have good experience supporting mums in situations like yours.

Big hugs xxxx

Mine is 18 weeks now and I just got her out of contact naps she would only sleep if I walked around the room rocking her and then contact nap so I started sitting and rocking her and if she cried / back arched I stopped rocking once she stopped I started rocking again it worked really really well a few days and she would sleep like that. I then moved onto sleep well with Hannah's sleep course and my baby is asleep in her crib right now 4 weeks ago I was on the verge of a breakdown trying to get her to sleep the progress has been amazing !! I've always bottle fed so I'm no help with the breast feeding but would you consider maybe giving baby some bottles ?

Oh and now she loves her carrier it's her favourite place where as before she hated it so there is light at the end of the tunnel x

You are not failing! You are in an incredibly tough time. I went through a very similar thing with my first and at the 4 month point I had barely slept. Dropped from 50th to 5th centile.

What you describe sounds like baby isn't getting enough milk so won't settle properly for long.
I saw a lactation consultant who told me that my baby was at the nipple but for a long time but not getting enough and eventually falling asleep exhausted. Mine had also had tongue tie corrected. the LC also pointed out that certain medications and health conditions can reduce the milk you produce- I have under active thyroid and that was a factor for me.
I introduced one bottle a day at first and moved to combi feeding. I carried on with this, still doing bedtime breastfeeds until he was nearly 2. It is possible to combine. After a few days he was a much happier, completely different baby and by 6 months he was back at 50th centile.
Looking back those first few months they took a huge toll on us both. I wish I had switched sooner.
Good luck op I hope things improve

Mine was exactly the same OP! Everyone was telling me to give a bottle but I knew it would be a slippery slope/risk nipple confusion and didn't want to. Went to all sorts of crazy lengths to get him to sleep but he was just a really poor sleeper - until one day he wasn't. I certainly found it very, very hard and he dropped down the weight charts as was huge at birth.

We took the side off his cot and tied it to our bed which helped a bit. I now think he had very narrow airways and couldn't actually breathe when laid down flat ( as you are told to do) as he would sleep much better/longer in the car in his car seat. But that didn't occur to me until I saw someone say it on a tv show after going to a sleep clinic.

Totally agree with this