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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

My boyfriend wants a baby. Opinions please!

130 replies

MumHereforhelp · 22/10/2024 21:07

Thanks for reading, sorry.
I'm (31) in a new relationship after a divorce to my ex, I have 2 kids age 6 and 3 from. We were together 12 years so grew up and apart, he suggested we separate when our youngest was 8 month and had a new girlfriend within weeks.. anyway, we co parent well and he sees them weekends which they enjoy.

So my relationship now (1.5year) seems to be going so perfect. He lives an hour away and so we see each other weekends mainly and always have a great time. I've never been so happy and we get along great, his family are lovely and he has a good job, nice house, he always makes me laugh, amazing with my kids. I feel extreamly lucky tbh.

So here's the problem, he has no kids. When we met he said he never found anyone he wanted to have kids with so he just assumed hes missed his time. He's only 30. He's always known I don't want more and says he's so happy he just wants to be with me..
I overheard his cousin saying, what about when she leaves you and your old and lonely because you never had a family... it kind of broke my heart.

What should I do?
Please has anyone been through similar situation and has any advice?

OP posts:
Doggymummar · 22/10/2024 21:08

Let him go find someone else if you are done.

Itsmahoneybaloney · 22/10/2024 21:09

Talk to him about it. Do you love him enough to do it? You need to live together first though - can't have a baby and live an hour apart. Also you might live together and actually hate it so definitely do that first.

TomatoSandwiches · 22/10/2024 21:09

Stick to your guns and let him leave if he wants to have children.

saveforthat · 22/10/2024 21:10

But that's what his cousin said, not what he said.

Philodendron · 22/10/2024 21:11

Leave him if he wants children - he will find someone that does. It's the kindest thing and will stop upset in the future... unless he's willing to look past having kids.

SweetLimeSoda · 22/10/2024 21:12

This is coming from something you overheard from someone else? Ignore it, if he says he is happy with the situation then just get on with it and enjoy this time. Take him at his word,: 'says he's so happy he just wants to be with me'

Pinkissmart · 22/10/2024 21:13

Just be honest with him, and let him decide

Dotto · 22/10/2024 21:15

You have nothing to feel guilty about.

FergusSingsTheBIues · 22/10/2024 21:15

Drastic way to keep your fella and it usually backfires …

fancy dealing with 3 kids and two dads?

MightSoundCrassButItsFactual · 22/10/2024 21:16

Marry him first and then try for one more. Then it will make sense, not now

Flumoxed · 22/10/2024 21:20

So many things to consider!
Do you want to live together?
Would you move in with him or he with you?
How will you split finances if you have another child and go on maternity leave for X months?
Do you want to have a baby with this man?
Can you afford another child?
Do you have the space in your home for another child?
Do you have the energy to do the baby stage again and look after your older 2?
Will if affect your career?
Would you have to increase/decrease your working hours/career to facilitate another child?
Would you cope with 3 (or more) children if your relationship broke down?
Does he want to have a child or are you basing things on a comment his cousin made once?
How many children does he want to have? Is one enough for him or will he want another... and another... and another...

Original poster
MumHereforhelp · 22/10/2024 21:20

Thanks everyone, it's hard to know which way to go with this. I definately love him, he hasn't mentioned kids since our early talks about it so we need to have a chat anyway.. but i have a feeling he will say he doesn't want them for me.

Would I be crazy to consider having a baby with him since that's what couples do? Am I just being selfish because I already have 2 kids? This man has given me everything I could ask for since we met..

Anyone been in this situation? What did you do?

OP posts:
QueenCamilla · 22/10/2024 21:21

I walked away in a similar situation.
I had way too much to lose to be someone's experiment at fatherhood. He has no clue if he will be happy with that role.

CheshireCats · 22/10/2024 21:24

The title of this thread and what op has described happened are two different things.

nutbrownhare15 · 22/10/2024 21:24

I wouldn't consider it before I'd lived with him and had a clear sense of what he was like as a live in partner (and step dad). Then if I was considering it I'd establish very clear expectations around how the work will be divided up between you. You need to be happy about the split of labour in the household across all of the kids and the household. I don't think you need to rush into anything. You both have time to decide on whether kids or not is the right decision.

AlertCat · 22/10/2024 21:24

MumHereforhelp · 22/10/2024 21:20

Thanks everyone, it's hard to know which way to go with this. I definately love him, he hasn't mentioned kids since our early talks about it so we need to have a chat anyway.. but i have a feeling he will say he doesn't want them for me.

Would I be crazy to consider having a baby with him since that's what couples do? Am I just being selfish because I already have 2 kids? This man has given me everything I could ask for since we met..

Anyone been in this situation? What did you do?

I think you’re getting two or three steps ahead of yourself here. Consider having a baby with him if you and he both want to have a baby together, but not because “that’s what couples do”.

And as pp said, live together first and see how that works out before you bring another child into the mix.

canyouletthedogoutplease · 22/10/2024 21:25

I can't see anywhere that he wants to have children with you? Is this something that you have heard from him?

I think you prioritise the children you have, a weekend fun arrangment is very different to being in the trenches with a new baby and negotiating the feelings of your existing children, I don't think you have a stable enough base to add in a baby even if he did want one.

LostTheMarble · 22/10/2024 21:25

Do not have another child if you are done, especially to possibly ‘keep’ this or any man. You do not have to give yourself like this, he is a grown man and has to come to the decision himself if having his own biological children is a dealbreaker. It’s not what ‘couples do’, it’s misogyny put on so many women that to keep a man you need to have his baby. It’s still no guarantee that this relationship will hold and in the longterm that would be unfair to all children involved. Dont fall into the ‘I owe him a baby’ trap, its not your duty to provide men with offspring.

XenoBitch · 22/10/2024 21:26

You overheard his cousin and their dickish comments, not your BF. Your BF says he is happy with how things are with you.

canyouletthedogoutplease · 22/10/2024 21:26

Would I be crazy to consider having a baby with him since that's what couples do?

Yes, this is not a good reason to bring a child into the world.

MidnightBlossom · 22/10/2024 21:26

MumHereforhelp · 22/10/2024 21:20

Thanks everyone, it's hard to know which way to go with this. I definately love him, he hasn't mentioned kids since our early talks about it so we need to have a chat anyway.. but i have a feeling he will say he doesn't want them for me.

Would I be crazy to consider having a baby with him since that's what couples do? Am I just being selfish because I already have 2 kids? This man has given me everything I could ask for since we met..

Anyone been in this situation? What did you do?

Yes it would be crazy.

What happens if your relationship does not survive? You're left holding the baby. What about money? Can you afford to manage three kids?

What happens to your existing two children? What about the impact to them?

Are you confident your boyfriend would step up and be a reliable Dad? Do you live together?

But most of all, do you actually want a third child? The only reason to try for a third is because you want another child.

Eenameenadeeka · 22/10/2024 21:26

I think you need to move in together and live as a couple for a decent amount of time before you decide to have a baby with him (or not). It's still a new relationship and you are only seeing him at weekends, so I think you'd need to try out how it all works living together with him and your children before making such a big decision. But if you live together a few years and it's a healthy relationship it would be reasonable to have a baby I think.

WhereIsMyLight · 22/10/2024 21:28

Don’t have another child to make a man happy. A man can leave and you’ll be left a single parent to 3 (or more) kids. If you want another, have that conversation with him but if you’re done, you’re done.

Talk to him about what he wants. Understand it might change over time but unless he tells you otherwise trust what he says when he says you are enough.

Keep talking about it. But also other important issues too.

Don't take something a knobhead cousin said as a flippant and pointless remark as gospel as to how he actually feels.

Don’t finish it because of how he might feel in years to come. You get to make your decisions about whether you want another baby. He gets to make a decision as to whether he stays with you without having his own child or whether having his own child is more important. You both are only responsible for your own sides and neither of you should do something just to make the other happy.

category12 · 22/10/2024 21:29

If you don't want more, then you'd be daft to have a baby for the sake of what you overheard his cousin say 🙄

How has he given you everything you could want when you don't live together and it's only been a year & a half? You're still getting to know each other.

If it doesn't work out, you'd be the one left with the 3rd child.

PermanentTemporary · 22/10/2024 21:29

God almighty don't upturn your life because of some random thing you overheard a COUSIN say. You should hear what my cousins think went wrong with my life! They don't really know anything about me. If you're sure you don't want more, let him enjoy being their close friend and maybe eventually a stepdad.

If he at some point says he would like a child, then you could consider it at the time, but don't have one just because 'that's what couples do'!

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