My boyfriend wants a baby. Opinions please!

[MumHereforhelp]

Thanks for reading, sorry.
I'm (31) in a new relationship after a divorce to my ex, I have 2 kids age 6 and 3 from. We were together 12 years so grew up and apart, he suggested we separate when our youngest was 8 month and had a new girlfriend within weeks.. anyway, we co parent well and he sees them weekends which they enjoy.

So my relationship now (1.5year) seems to be going so perfect. He lives an hour away and so we see each other weekends mainly and always have a great time. I've never been so happy and we get along great, his family are lovely and he has a good job, nice house, he always makes me laugh, amazing with my kids. I feel extreamly lucky tbh.

So here's the problem, he has no kids. When we met he said he never found anyone he wanted to have kids with so he just assumed hes missed his time. He's only 30. He's always known I don't want more and says he's so happy he just wants to be with me..
I overheard his cousin saying, what about when she leaves you and your old and lonely because you never had a family... it kind of broke my heart.

What should I do?
Please has anyone been through similar situation and has any advice?

You say he has given you everything - but what exactly?

What are your respective financial and housing situations?

You would be well advised to get married before having another child, unless you're the higher earner.

Agreed. Continuing the relationship is totally selfish on your part. Your life experiences don't align and that is always going to cause a problem. You have had your family. Let him find someone more suitable and spare everyone of the mess of blended families etc. Always best to find someone without baggage when you are baggage free yourself. I would never expect anyone to take me on with my three children and miss out on their own family. I am just not that special and neither are you. I am surprised anyone actually does think they are so special they could let someone chuck their whole future away!

Yes, what exactly has he given you?

Please don't inflict this situation on your existing children.

Op your still very young you don't want more kids now that could change he is also very young. I certainly wouldn't be rushing into kids 1.5years into a relationship. Give it another 4 years and talk but if its definitely not for you then only he can decide whether to stay or go. Why is it you don't want anymore kids of you don't mind me asking? Does he understand the reasons why?

You need to sort out the logistics first. Is he going to move in with you or are you moving to where he is etc etc then you need to be living together for at least a year so everyone can adjust and see if it still works out nice you live together and then think hard about whether to have another kid. What security will you have? What happens if your relationship goes tits up and you are left single parent to three kids trying to juggle holidays and weekends with two dads and still have time for all three kids to be together at important times. Way too soon to be having another kid. By all means have the chat but keep your sensible head on and do it right so you at least can provide. Happy secure home.

He’s 30. He’ll probably want his own biological kids.

You’re not selfish not to want any more children. But if your partner wants them, then that’s normal too. So, it might just be that you’re not compatible.

You say your main reason is fear. It’s completely understandable that you’re scared of things going wrong. And you’re being responsible to think about how you’d cope if your relationship ended.

And yet … fear can stop us from making positive changes in our lives. I wonder if you’d benefit from counselling to help you decide what you really want? And also to see if a back-up plan is feasible. Good luck.

You're not in the right place at the minute to think about more children and you've been honest with him about not wanting more and he's still with you.

That may change in the future as your relationship progresses to moving in and sharing a life. You may change your mind and want another, he may change his mind about being happy not to have his own - who knows... but that's a path to cross later when it happens. You can't live life on what ifs and maybes. Just keep being honest with each other about what you both want.

After the recent thread on blended families I'm quire surprised to see next to no acknowledgement in most of the replies as to how this would affect OP's existing children. They are more important than her boyfriend.

Thank you for the comments. To be honest this thread is more to check I'm being fair to him. If I wanted I could just carry on the relationship and not rock the boat.. because its all going perfectly and that would be best for ME.

Don't get me wrong I adore my kids, there's just 1000 things that could go wrong here.
But then again I got married before I had kids the first time and I never would have dreamed he'd cheat but yep!
I'm not even close to considering it yet, I'm this scared to even consider, considering another child 😬

I think you should have more kids only because you also want it. Having a child for the sake of a relationship or a partner never works. However I do believe you should have another talk with him about it. If he is okay with not having kids that’s his choice, you shouldn’t feel guilty about it. You could also compromise on living together for some time and see how it goes. It gives you more time to know better one another and then see if you are actually willing to. I don’t think is something you can decide from one day to another if you are not sure. Don’t worry about your age, you still have time! Good luck!

Yes you'd be crazy.

You don't live together. Do you think you know someone well enough before you have a baby if you've never lived with them?

Do you think not wanting someone else to feel sad is a good reason to have a baby that you've been sure you don't want to?

I disagree. Why not discuss it over. It's only natural for folk to want their own children.

Your children are your priority op, having another baby with another man is not in their best interests right now at all, you are centering a part time boyfriends potential desire, you need to give your head a wobble.

And please as a pp mentioned, what exactly has he given you? What has he done that is so amazing you have suddenly thought you need to give him a child??

Hear him go silent and imagined his pain- it might have been silence as he doesn’t know the answer. It might have been a tactful silence as he thought “why would I want a baby when I have two little kids I can share in my life”? You won’t know until you speak to him.

My husband met me with my two kids- I believed I would be unable to have any more and he said he was happy with the ones we had. We ended up having two more but he still talks about having four kids and even if we’d not had our own he wouldn’t grow old and alone as he is in their lives as their father figure and they have their own relationship with him that he has given his time, money, love etc to… so the cousin is a numpty.

But talk. I told my husband that as I had kids I didn’t want a fling and he needed to be happy to commit or not bother with me- didn’t see any point in wasting our time and introducing him to my kids if he wasn’t in it for the long haul. Marriage was what I wanted so we married less than a year after we met- 18 years ago now.

Yes I hear you have fear still, but go get some counselling and work through that and learn to trust your gut and firm up your boundaries. If this guy is a good one (and he sounds it) then talk, and don’t shut out the option of another baby if the only thing holding you back is fear…

Speak to him first. Find out if he does want children before making any decisions. Myself (32) and my partner (42) decided we didn't want kids together I have 1 DD(11) and he had 2 DD (12 & 4) however we have often spoke about it if we did and picked names 🙈 at one point he was going for the snip. Then we said if it happened it happened and now I'm like maybe we could have 1 together 😂🙈and he said maybe we could so it's not a definite but I reckon maybe for me I was like I don't want to have another one and be a single mum again but since being with him I'm more open to it and he is too but he's worried he's too old too 😂

Blimey. Perhaps first live near each other, then live together for a year, then get married THEN have another baby if you want one.

All he gives you is his weekends. He’s got a hell of a lot more to give you before you even think about considering another life.

So you saying you can't raise kids together without living in the same house. And you aren't really a single parent if you are in a relationship with the dad and doing stuff as a family

I don't think you actually have as great a relationship as you think you do. You're not actually communicating with your BF, you're not listening to what he says, or respecting it.

You're overhearing a random person (his cousin), making up stories about BF ('felt his pain'), projecting your own values onto him ('couples have babies'), then catastrophising (what will happen if do or don't). None of this is real, or healthy.

The time to have the Are we compatible re children? conversation was before making him a part of your kids lives! But obviously talk to him again, and this time actually believe his answer.

Are you brave enough to have an open-ended discussion, or are you going to 'manage' things, so that you can rush to offer him a child, out of fear he might walk away?

Having a baby to keep a guy you barely know is a terrible idea.

He's offered to sell up buy a house over here one day if i ever wanted, but atm there's no real need to. He comes mine most Wednesday evenings and I go to his friday-sun so we do see each other a lot and do hobbies, things with the kids in holidays etc. We talk everyday too, like I said I can't fault him.

Also I'm only wondering to consider another child one day.

I was very blunt that I didn't want more kids from the start and he said he would never ask me to do something I didn't want to do and that he would be the happiest person just to have me. And we continued the relationship, it's starting to get a bit more serious and I kind of want to talk about our future..

I just wanted to know that am I selfish even to be with him knowing deep down he deserves a family. I guess as some have said we're not too old so it's not like I'm wasting his time but part of me feels I can't continue if I'm not even willing to consider it one day.