My boyfriend wants a baby. Opinions please!

[MumHereforhelp]

Thanks for reading, sorry.
I'm (31) in a new relationship after a divorce to my ex, I have 2 kids age 6 and 3 from. We were together 12 years so grew up and apart, he suggested we separate when our youngest was 8 month and had a new girlfriend within weeks.. anyway, we co parent well and he sees them weekends which they enjoy.

So my relationship now (1.5year) seems to be going so perfect. He lives an hour away and so we see each other weekends mainly and always have a great time. I've never been so happy and we get along great, his family are lovely and he has a good job, nice house, he always makes me laugh, amazing with my kids. I feel extreamly lucky tbh.

So here's the problem, he has no kids. When we met he said he never found anyone he wanted to have kids with so he just assumed hes missed his time. He's only 30. He's always known I don't want more and says he's so happy he just wants to be with me..
I overheard his cousin saying, what about when she leaves you and your old and lonely because you never had a family... it kind of broke my heart.

What should I do?
Please has anyone been through similar situation and has any advice?

He said he is happy with you, and not kids.
Why do you think you have the right to override his wishes and desires?
Imagine how baffled he would be for you to split up with him when he thought everything was fine.

OP nobody "deserves" a family.

And he can be a good SD to your DC if that's what he wants.

@TheDeepLemonHelper

Your right, I so want to relax and continue to enjoy it. Its such an easier relationship than my previous, I get to concentrate on my kids during the week which I actually love doing alone. Then weekends are for us, and he has a busy job so we just appreciate it to recharge.

I think its best I somehow speak to him about it, no idea how I'll bring it up though, hate to think I mess up a good thing.

he said he would never ask me to do something I didn't want to do and that he would be the happiest person just to have me.

So believe him! Everything else you've written, including the title of this thread, is made up: words and thoughts and feelings that you are ascribing to your BF that he has not actually expressed. You don't see him, or hear him, or believe him; you're not actually interested in him at all. It's incredibly disrespectful towards BF and whoever he really is.

This entire thread is about a person you're invented in your head, while you're ignoring the person who is actually there.

If you think he wants kids, and you don't, you need to leave. He'll likely say he's fine without them for now, because he loves you and can't imagine you not being there.. But if he wants children that won't go away.

@Stravaig

Obviously I haven't shared all my reasoning for my decisions. So you can't conclude they are made up in my head, I do know him personally so I wouldn't be saying that I think he wants kids for no reason.

He's a shy person, we never really argue and he really wouldn't just bring it up. In fact he would probably happily go without having kids just to make me happy. So my question is am I fair to put him in this position, yes I am going to ask him but I wanted opinions so I don't hurt this man!

By all means ask him about his future kids plans, but if he has already said he is happy with just you... then what else what do you want him to say?
It sounds like you have already made your mind up to give him some sort of ultimatum that he has not asked for and would be clueless about - you don't get to tell him that he "deserves" his own family... that is up to him. You could be potentially messing up something great because of some comment you overheard from his cousin.
Maybe you should let him go as a favour as you are always going to be second guessing everything.

The more you write the more I think you are just hell bent on ruining this relationship for yourself, just try to calm down and put the baby talk on the back burner, your children don't need drama like this going on around them.

Yes, it would be crazy to have babies with him only because of him and not because you, too, want it.

Have a sincere talk with him to see how he sees it. If you really do not want another baby, tell him and let him decide whether he wants to stay with you regardless.

Both of you are still young and have time to change your mind if you live with him and want a baby later. I would absolutely not do that if you haven't tried to live together.

And the nosy cousin should realize that your guy, as a man, can have kids almost anytime, even as an older man, unlike us women. So his point is kind of moot.

You're 31 and 30? Cool the jets for a bit. If you're only spending less than half a week together and without the kids for most of that time, you are really only getting to know each other properly now. You actually have the luxury of a few years before having to make this decision. In the meantime, you're overthinking everything based on one remark

So based on his cousin’s reasoning, you would be having a child so that that child can care for him when you leave him.

Mad.

Your right, I'm definately glad I vented on here first because I don't want to ruin anything.
I will try calm down about it for now, as I have been very relaxed so far in the relationship. Usually I would just ask him about anything that's bothering me but it just wasn't easy to bring up so I just left it and it's kind if been playing on my mind.

It’s a relatively new relationship, and you don’t live together. You have two young children, and you didn’t want any more. Having a baby in these circumstances would be insane.

I personally would have one because he hasn't got any, if he had some from a previous relationship I'd stick to my guns and not have any.
I would feel that I needed to let him feel the experience of having his own child, seeing as he try's to bring so much to the relationship, I would want to fulfill his desire for a child.

Why can’t you be his family? You don’t need biological children to be a family. Look at all the people on here who have step children, adopt, have donor sperm, donor eggs. What if you have another baby and it ruins the relationship between you and him, or you and your children.

Ignore his cousin. He's happy with you and doesn't want kids. You can't predict the future. Maybe he will desperately suddenly want them, maybe you will decide you do want more, or maybe not. But that would be the case regardless of who you were with. The fact is it's going well. This may sound sexist but I don't think men get such a desire to have children the same way women do.

@Copperoliverbear
Exactly this, I know one day it's coming and I'm feeling guilt about it.

Women should draw their own boundaries about how many children and if they want children, you set a boundary op, children shouldn't be a reward for half decent good behavioir from the men you have relationships with 🤦‍♀️

If it’s just to give him the experience of having his own child, then it might be better for him to use a surrogate and then they both have children of their own biologically, and the siblings will all be equal as they will be either biologically related to mum or dad. Less chance of jealousy and resentment then.

Do you though? Do you know he really wants his own kids some day? Do you not trust him when he says he is happy with being with you?
Maybe let him loose now so he can be with someone who is not trying to be like Mystic Meg and predict everything.

Honestly, you are going to sabotage what seems like a great relationship with all of this mind reading.

So should I speak to him about it?

Or let it go for now and stop feeling guilty?