My boyfriend wants a baby. Opinions please!

[MumHereforhelp]

Thanks for reading, sorry.
I'm (31) in a new relationship after a divorce to my ex, I have 2 kids age 6 and 3 from. We were together 12 years so grew up and apart, he suggested we separate when our youngest was 8 month and had a new girlfriend within weeks.. anyway, we co parent well and he sees them weekends which they enjoy.

So my relationship now (1.5year) seems to be going so perfect. He lives an hour away and so we see each other weekends mainly and always have a great time. I've never been so happy and we get along great, his family are lovely and he has a good job, nice house, he always makes me laugh, amazing with my kids. I feel extreamly lucky tbh.

So here's the problem, he has no kids. When we met he said he never found anyone he wanted to have kids with so he just assumed hes missed his time. He's only 30. He's always known I don't want more and says he's so happy he just wants to be with me..
I overheard his cousin saying, what about when she leaves you and your old and lonely because you never had a family... it kind of broke my heart.

What should I do?
Please has anyone been through similar situation and has any advice?

I was in that situation. I had another child. Unmitigated success for all of us including existing children. Feel free to PM me OP.

Please think carefully about thjs. Your previous partner was probably amazing also- until you had two children with him and he left you..
It sounds like you might be about to make the same mistake again.
Remember your children only get one childhood. He's on best behaviour because you're not living together..
it's time to grow up and be sensible

Friend was in same situation.
She did have a 3rd child and absolutely never regretted it.

Infact she can't believe why was against the idea as now she feels it was the perfect addition and would not change a thing.

You aren’t even living together yet and babies don’t have to happen right now but if you’re done let him go find someone who wants the same.

So it seems like this is all based on his cousin stirring things up rather than what he has actually said? I think you should discuss what he wants in the long term and then decide whether what you want is aligned with what he wants, and take it from there. You don't have to have a baby because you're a couple. PP are right, you would need to see how living together goes before you could decide for definite.

Live together first then if things are still wonderful go for a baby.

Why is the title of your thread my boyfriend wants a baby but none of what you have wrote in your OP says your DP wants a baby and he knows from the start you said you’re done. This thread is fishy imo

OP people have said similar to the cousin to me, that does not mean I want to have a baby! I think a lot of childless people have been asked similar. I reckon talk to your partner, say you overheard this comment and wanted to check his views were still that he doesn't want children. If he doesn't, great. If he does, it's something you both seriously need to talk about as it may mean you're no longer compatible. But you won't know that for certain til you talk to him, at the moment you're just guessing (and assuming what he's said in the past is incorrect). I would say though, do not have a baby unless both you and him truly want one. It does a lot of damage to a child if they feel unwanted (however much you hide it, children pick up on things). Also, you don't know what the future brings eg you have a child, you break up, he dies etc. Hopefully you'll have a long a happy relationship, but don't bring a child into the world to make him happy and stay in the relationship.

Does this cousin give random opinion/advice to everyone? Why does it bother you? Will said cousin take on new baby care if it all goes pear shaped - long before BF is old and grey?

I guess hearing his cousin say that to him made me think, I do actually agree. The relationship is starting to get serious so I do need to decide either to let him go or consider one day having another child. (And I'm not getting younger)
I honestly can't see him never being a dad.

I thought hard about every aspect of him before I let him meet my kids which took about 6 months, so I already knew he would only make us all happier.

How could I decide about having another child without wasting his time? I mean my main reason is fear really, I can literally see everything going wrong since I've lived it before.

You're only 31. He's only 30. There isn't any rush.

Hard no. You've had all the children you want to and it's not his body and health being put at risk by pregnancy and labour, nor a minimum twenty-year commitment.

Also that "you'll be old and lonely" line is utter bullshit. There's no guarantee children will be close and stay so. There's also no reason men can't make friends and have solid connections as they age.

Why do you have to live together though? This site is FULL of threads saying not to move in with anyone until your kids are grown.

You can co parent without having to live in the same house you know

Ignore what his cousin said.
If your partner is happy how things are, then why would you need to either have a baby or let him go?
Obviously, kids are something you might want to bring up at some point, after you have been living together for a while. There is every chance he will be more than happy being a fab step dad to your children. Not every bloke is keen to have their own biological kids.

Why be a single patent when you have a wonderful partner who makes you very happy.

Why not be together and raise your children together.

His cousin had just had a baby and was asking him when we he be a dad, I don't think he meant harm as he was being quite emotional about it.. But I heard my boyfriend go silent and felt his pain.

Are you planning to move forwards in your relationship and marry/live together and he be an active stepparent to your kids? Or are you happy having him as a weekend boyfriend and keeping your kids life separate? Not saying either is bad, but if he isn't ever really going to be properly part of you and your kids families then I think it is different to if he is happy just having step kids and no bio ones and you all ARE his family.

You are 31 and he is 30, you do not have to decide right now. You’re talking like you’re 45!

Again, you don’t decide for him. He’s an adult and quite capable of making up his own mind. Wasting his time would be giving non-committal answers and dragging it along to eventually say no. Telling him up front you don’t want kids is not wasting his time, it’s being upfront.

Fear is a good enough reason not to have another because it has gone wrong once and could again. How do you get over the fear? Time, which you have because you’re 31.

It sounds like you’re trying to tak yourself into having a baby. Have another baby by all means but make sure it’s because you actually want the baby, not because you think it’s unfair to him or because you think you’ll lose him otherwise. Because you want it. If it does then go wrong, well at least you did what you felt was best and right for you.

When I met my OH I already had one child, and wanted more, but my OH wasn't so keen. After some time they changed their mind, but we didn't start trying until later (for a variety of what felt like good reasons at the time), and we haven't had a child together.

I do feel sad about this, but it's never even crossed my mind that I might have had a better chance of more children with someone else. I'm firmly of the opinion that I'd rather be with my OH, and not have more children, than have left them to try and find someone else to have more children with.

I think you can trust your BF to make this decision for himself, and you're allowed to make this decision for yourself too.

Sounds like it's you that wants a baby with him!

It's obviously way too soon. Give it at least 2 years. You need to be sure the relationship is right and once you live together that it works with your kids, before you start thinking about having another baby

First of all, there's no rush! You're both still young and I would definitely live together a few years before thinking about having a child with him.

Secondly, there are no guarantees in this life. You can't predict the future, you can only be committed and do your best to make things work.

You live an hour apart and see each other at weekends. This is the equivalent of a Disney boyfriend.

Does he want to be a step father to your children? He doesn't have his own children so realistically he is going to have to live with you and them first before you even consider another child.

You have said you're done though. He wants children. Let him go.

You have time in your biological clock, and your boyfriend doesn't have that time pressure in the same way.

So just calm down about it & give it another year or two to work out what you want.

Have you discussed moving in together? Marriage?

Actually wanting to be together for ever?

No you didn’t, you projected his pain. He’s a grown man, he doesn’t need you making decisions for him, he will talk to you if he wants a child, he is perfectly capable of making his own choices. I cannot believe you are seriously considering this based on overhearing a comment someone else made to him!

Of course everything is great currently, you don’t live together and only see each other at weekends, the real test comes when you face life struggles together, when you hit the daily grind. Has there been any talk of living together or getting married at least? You must realise you would have to live with him before rushing into any decision regarding this?

Lastly, women aren’t baby vending machines, it is not your job to provide him with a child, or even slightly selfish not to.