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Original poster

My boyfriend wants a baby. Opinions please!

130 replies

MumHereforhelp · 22/10/2024 21:07

Thanks for reading, sorry.
I'm (31) in a new relationship after a divorce to my ex, I have 2 kids age 6 and 3 from. We were together 12 years so grew up and apart, he suggested we separate when our youngest was 8 month and had a new girlfriend within weeks.. anyway, we co parent well and he sees them weekends which they enjoy.

So my relationship now (1.5year) seems to be going so perfect. He lives an hour away and so we see each other weekends mainly and always have a great time. I've never been so happy and we get along great, his family are lovely and he has a good job, nice house, he always makes me laugh, amazing with my kids. I feel extreamly lucky tbh.

So here's the problem, he has no kids. When we met he said he never found anyone he wanted to have kids with so he just assumed hes missed his time. He's only 30. He's always known I don't want more and says he's so happy he just wants to be with me..
I overheard his cousin saying, what about when she leaves you and your old and lonely because you never had a family... it kind of broke my heart.

What should I do?
Please has anyone been through similar situation and has any advice?

OP posts:
thebestinterest · 23/10/2024 00:45

NO.

XenoBitch · 23/10/2024 00:47

MumHereforhelp · 23/10/2024 00:40

So should I speak to him about it?

Or let it go for now and stop feeling guilty?

If you had not overheard his cousin, would this be an issue?

NoisyDenimShaker · 23/10/2024 00:49

I would have a serious conversation with him about whether he wants kids or not. The last thing you want to do is waste the next few years of your life only to get dumped because he's decided he wants kids. And people who say they'd rather give up on having kids to be with someone have a tendency to change their mind about that as they get older. The Reddit r/childfree board is full of such instances.

If you're open to eventual commitment and babies with this man, that's one thing. You're only 31 so you have years yet. But if you don't want a third, it might be kinder to both of you to break up.

Edingril · 23/10/2024 01:12

I will put it bluntly how will you be as singe parent to 3 children

Is it fair on the first 2?

There is no way I would do this a baby is not an accessory

mathanxiety · 23/10/2024 01:25

MumHereforhelp · 22/10/2024 21:20

Thanks everyone, it's hard to know which way to go with this. I definately love him, he hasn't mentioned kids since our early talks about it so we need to have a chat anyway.. but i have a feeling he will say he doesn't want them for me.

Would I be crazy to consider having a baby with him since that's what couples do? Am I just being selfish because I already have 2 kids? This man has given me everything I could ask for since we met..

Anyone been in this situation? What did you do?

Yes, it would be absolutely nuts to have a baby.

You don't have a baby "since that's what couples do". Don't bring a baby into such a new relationship - eighteen months is nothing, and I note he hasn't mentioned marriage.

Regardless of how much he has brought to your life, you don't owe him a baby.

A wedding ring is a symbol of commitment, not a baby.

Plus, he hasn't said anything directly to you. What you heard is all hearsay.

mathanxiety · 23/10/2024 01:26

fundsandfrolics · 22/10/2024 21:31

Please think carefully about thjs. Your previous partner was probably amazing also- until you had two children with him and he left you..
It sounds like you might be about to make the same mistake again.
Remember your children only get one childhood. He's on best behaviour because you're not living together..
it's time to grow up and be sensible

THIS.

VeryGoodVeryNice · 23/10/2024 01:34

You’ve only been together 1.5 years.

You don’t live together.

He’s not directly said he wants kids.

You don’t want any more.

So why are you considering having a baby with him exactly?

Honestly, the overwhelming majority of blokes really aren’t that arsed about having kids either way. Most babies that happen are because the woman in the relationship wanted them, or they happened accidentally. I know many people in happy long term relationships or marriages (myself included), where the woman already had kids and the man doesn’t have any. You’re really overthinking this.

Firefly1987 · 23/10/2024 01:38

I don't know why you got involved with him in the first place if you feel so strongly about him missing out on fatherhood. You knew he didn't have kids when you got with him. Why do single mothers always pick off the last remaining childless men when they're not even compatible with them?!

VeryGoodVeryNice · 23/10/2024 01:42

Also you were very clear at the beginning that you don’t want more kids. Assuming your bf isn’t some kind of halfwit, he’s with you on the basis that you won’t be having babies with him, and it’s going well so he’s clearly happy with that arrangement.

You don’t have anything to feel guilty about. If having his own kids was important to him, he’d have found a gf who wanted to have kids.

AroundTheGarden · 23/10/2024 02:15

I have to agree with majority of posts that it seems too soon.

There doesn’t appear to be a commitment past dating. You’re not living together for a reasonable length of time, engaged or married. You have two children (toddler and a 6 year old), from a previous relationship and an ex-husband.

You say your ex cheated on you, but what is the full story? The way your explanations and responses have come across, there is more being unsaid about your history and dynamic with men. To bring a baby into this in the way you are justifying the reasons, is strange and unsettling.

Anyway, best of luck with it, and your decisions.

PeloMom · 23/10/2024 02:20

I wouldn’t have kids for someone else. And if he really wanted kids I’m sure you’d know; men don’t just stick around and keep the peace when it comes to things like this.

ImNoSuperman · 23/10/2024 06:20

PeloMom · 23/10/2024 02:20

I wouldn’t have kids for someone else. And if he really wanted kids I’m sure you’d know; men don’t just stick around and keep the peace when it comes to things like this.

He's 30, even if he really wants kids, this is a part time relationship. In a couple of years he might decide to be with someone who doesn't already have kids instead.

AlertCat · 23/10/2024 06:22

MumHereforhelp · 22/10/2024 23:16

I was very blunt that I didn't want more kids from the start and he said he would never ask me to do something I didn't want to do and that he would be the happiest person just to have me. And we continued the relationship, it's starting to get a bit more serious and I kind of want to talk about our future..

I just wanted to know that am I selfish even to be with him knowing deep down he deserves a family. I guess as some have said we're not too old so it's not like I'm wasting his time but part of me feels I can't continue if I'm not even willing to consider it one day.

I sometimes get thoughts like this about domestic chores. I need him to share them and when he does I feel guilty because- what?? I’m still working on this!

You are not selfish to be with someone who seems to very much want to be with you, who you care about, when you have been upfront from the beginning about what you want and don’t want. Have the talk by all means, but believe him if he says that what he has now is enough.

You don’t owe him a baby as a reward for being a decent man in a healthy relationship! Maybe you have been groomed to think that you aren’t enough just as you are, that your value comes from what you do or what service you provide?

Please ponder this. It’s important.

alimac12 · 23/10/2024 07:19

MumHereforhelp · 23/10/2024 00:40

So should I speak to him about it?

Or let it go for now and stop feeling guilty?

I think you should speak to him because is “bothering you” the idea so you could have some peace of mind. But please if he says it’s fine, no kids, stop feeling guilty because not everyone deserves a family as you said. Family can be 2 adults, 1 adult and a dog, so many options! There don’t have to be more kids to be happy or considered family.

Beezknees · 23/10/2024 07:23

Do not have a baby for any other reason unless YOU want one. Anything else is unfair to everyone involved.

Sethera · 23/10/2024 07:59

It's coming across more that it's you who really wants this baby and you're looking for people here to validate that decision.

ballybooboo · 23/10/2024 09:51

He sounds fairly passive, which can be great in some way (he fits in with you and your current life)

Not sure I'd want kids with a passive man though. Passive becomes boring, lazy, dis-interested, not taking responsibility, when you have kids!

fitzwilliamdarcy · 23/10/2024 10:35

Would I be crazy to consider having a baby with him since that's what couples do?

This must be a joke, surely.

Spirallingdownwards · 23/10/2024 10:40

You don't even live together.

He hasn't even said he wants kids let alone with you yet.

Sounds like you want another one. Why? Is that to force him into a different relationship that the one you have now where he doesn't live with you all as a family? Is it because you want a family unit set up. Nothing suggests he does.

Bestyearever2024 · 23/10/2024 10:42

Why are you thinking and planning for HIM

Hes an adult? No?

If he wants a child then he talks to you about it, you discuss etc etc

The most concerning thing to me about all this is:

A - you haven't mentioned how your kids might feel, they seem to come way down the line which is so sad
B - You seem to treat him like a shy child who can't live his own life and make his own choices

So weird 🙄

SoNiceToComeHomeTo · 23/10/2024 11:17

Honestly, you need to talk properly to your partner and not speculate on what he might be thinking or feeling, or worrying about other people's take on it. If you love each other, surely you can talk about what is in your hearts? In your case, it is a worry about hm not having his own children, so you could start with that.

Original poster
MumHereforhelp · 23/10/2024 12:15

When I say he's shy I mean he doesn't rant on about his feelings daily like my ex would. So I find it hard to bring up something like this, I mainly wanted opinions from men or someone who's boyfriend was truly happy to never have kids.

I'm not having any children for years even if I did decide, he isn't at the stage in life either so I'm talking about my future as in wasting years of our lives only for him to say he wants one.

I say that's what couples do because it mainly is and I don't believe I've found a great man who would actually give that up for someone they love without resentment down the line.

Yeah I'll take his word then, because actually that's what I want for not much to change and us to continue and eventually live together one day.

I just felt selfish for taking that option away from him when he sounds like he's getting more serious about us (asking me if he should sell his house and we live together) which I said no to.

But from mosts people's comments I should just be happy and stop fussing.

OP posts:
Larrythebloodycat · 23/10/2024 12:37

I wouldn't be taking any action on the basis of an overheard remark by someone else. Do you have any reason to think your boyfriend even wants children? If he does, the onus is on him to say so.

mumda · 23/10/2024 12:38

If you're looking for a natural conversation starter, think about the conversations about any new baby in the family and how pleased you are to not have to do all that again.

Bestyearever2024 · 23/10/2024 12:46

But from mosts people's comments I should just be happy and stop fussing

And put your children first

And give DP the courtesy of allowing him to make his own decisions