To tie my child to the table

[grrihateteatime]

I mean obviously I won’t but it’s so frustrating. Charging around between mouthfuls and running back and forth for toys.

I know - I probably should say ‘right, you’ve finished then’ the first time he does it but he’d literally live off fresh air then which then affects sleep and behaviour …

grr

My 4 year old sounds similar.
He’s underweight so told he needs to eat more, yet has zero motivation for food. He isn’t bothered at all if he didn’t eat all day. Hes up and down from table every though dh and I sit at the table with him and eat at every meal, have done since weaning. He’s in Tripp trapp seat at child mode or can sit on main soft comfy bench if he prefers. We can’t just say sit or don’t eat, as he will happily take the don’t eat option.

We have recently started tv at the table which I know they say is bad, but he actually sits better than he ever has. Still messes around, but has eaten more in the last 2 months of doing it that the last 4 years. We use the iPad, and it’s not even kids shows but stuff we can all watch and talk about. Master chef, Simon reeves travel shows, Ben fogle etc. It keeps him engaged.

He also takes forever to go to bed. Yesterday had 4 hours forest school, swam 90mins, park with friends after, helped in the garden. Took him to bed at 7.45pm, and he finally fell asleep at 9.30pm. Regardless of bedtime he always takes min 1hr to sleep, often 2+hrs is we take him up too early before he’s tired.

strapping into a highchair at 4 is laughable imo. Mine would and has just unclip led straps and climbed out by 18-24months. He used to be able to unclip car seat really early also, maxi cosi told us it wasn’t possible for a 1-2 year old but it 100% was

I would start by asking the children to ask nicely before they get down from the table. At first, always say yes. But it can open up a discussion around why they want to get down, and can curb the impulse to just leap down and do whatever by slowing them down a bit. Once the habit is ingrained, you can begin to work on remaining at the table for longer. Sometimes just listening to the reason why they want to get down, and reassuring them that they can still go do that right after they've eaten, will really help.

That said, he is only 5 years old. I don't know any 5 year olds really that sit patiently at the table 100% of the time. I have also assumed you sit at the table to eat meals together as a family, because I think that's really essential too.

Do you all sit and eat together? Just thinking about the nursery and restaurant scenarios where he seems to be OK, these are quite communal eating activities.

My DC has adhd so we spend our life factoring in best-timed movement opportunities. I find he's able to sit (I say sit, it's more like sit/kneel/sit/stand/kneel/wiggle/sit/fidget but he stays on the chair at least!) if we do something physical beforehand. For us, that's the dogs last walk of the day, just a short walk around the block but it means DC can run/jump/spin/stamp which seems to help at dinnertime.

Having ADHD means that having to sit at a table. That is all that can be done. Eating, learning, listening or doing any other task is is not going to happen . Think of trying to not blink or breathe and being expected to only take 10 breathes and blink 10 times in the next 15 minutes. If you get down from the table you can breathe and blink as many times as you like
Would you be able to do that and eat your dinner whilst sitting at the table

For a NT person sitting at a table because they have to won’t exhaust them or cause a complete shut down.

That is the difference

We had a new school friend, an 11 almost 12 yr old for dinner a couple of times recently. She has diagnosed ADHD so new territory for us. She made a number comments at her first meal which raised eyebrows. She doesn't ever eat dinner with her parents and sibling. She commented that she usually eats on her bed, I got the impression that might have been in front of a TV. She was doing her best but really found it hard to sit still and eat with us - if I'm honest I think it was as much as the novelty of it and the chat around the table that kept her there.

On the second occasion she spotted a solitare game [the board with the marbles, you hop one over the other] in the living room and brought that to the table ahead of dinner. I said nothing and left it there and headed my husband off at the pass [no games, phones, books usually allowed]. I did notice that she strayed to it occasionally but overall was much more settled at the table.

My point is this. Kids are wearisome, if they are not bouncing off the walls, they're bickering or you're prising a phone out of their hands as they get older. There's a different stage all the time. I think all you can do is wear it and when you really are at the end of your rope, write it off as a bad day and try not to take it personally. They get there mostly though I am sure there are many adults who struggle to leave a phone out of reach or switch the TV off to talk to their kids/flatmates/spouse.

Do what you need to do, even if its less than ideal to get through the bad days. Try not to use it as the easy way out every time or it does indeed become the rod for your own back. If your son can sit still in a restaurant [possibly because there's lots to sit and watch] then he's capable, it will come at home too.

💐

I don’t think ADHD means you can’t eat when sat at a table, nor does it mean you can’t learn sat at one. It undoubtedly makes it harder, means you get distracted and may want the use of fidget toys/wobble cushions etc. but it certainly isn’t impossible and I think many adhd people would be offended by the suggestion that they can’t do anything whilst sat down. You may have adhd and feel this way, but not everyone with adhd does (and yes I do know lots of people with adhd aside from my DSS, including multiple very close friends).

It is when you have to sit at a table that is the problem. When you don’t want to be there is when you arent learning

I just don’t believe that either, based upon my lived experience of seeing how, when required to, my DSS will sit and focus and learn things his dad is helping him with vs how his school allow him to run around all day and refuse to follow instructions and he’s making no progress there and can’t even read basic phonics when he can blend words together at home. Rules and routines and order help all children, neurodiverse or not. Requiring any child to sit all day long is obviously cruel, but having dinner time routines and expectations is not.