AIBU or is my partners ex

[TheSunnyLemonShark]

Just to start, my bonus child has a full wardrobe at our house, coats, dresses loads of shoes at ours so wouldn’t go without.

So we have overnight visits every second weekend sat 1pm-sun6pm and her mum usually packs a little bag for her (completely unnecessary as she has everything she needs at ours anyway) ex refuses to return clothes from our house if she goes home in them meaning we always send her home in outfits from mums as nothing comes back that’s from our house.

my partners ex has started demanding that we wash the outfit from Saturday and dress bonus child in it on a Sunday for pick up as she doesn’t want to pack a bag for her anymore (leaving very little turn around to actually wash and dry it, 9pm bedtime and out the house for 10am Sunday for swimming lessons). We’ve always sent what she was sent in back home with her until last weekend when I forgot to pack her cardigan from the Saturday), bonus child is 5 and we have a 2 month old baby as well so it’s a little chaotic sometimes!)
we do all pickups and drop off (ex moved to a location 40 minutes away when they broke up) and it feels like my partners ex is just trying to make it more difficult.

I would have no issue washing the clothes and sending them back the next weekend I just think my partners ex is being unreasonable expecting the outfit to be washed and dried from Saturday night to Sunday. last thing I want to do it get the baby sorted get bonus child to bed then have to go stick on a wash at 8/9 a Saturday night and get it on the radiators and keep the heating on a decent temp overnight all because mum is demanding it be the same outfit she’s returned in.

AIBU if I refuse to do this?

OP you'll have to figure out emergency laundry for own kid eventually. There's going to be occasions when you need a
PE kit clean with no warning. A coat that got dropped in a puddle. A particular dress that they just need to wear again.
Just be grateful that you're only washing one outfit a week. Stick it on the radiators or get a heated airer or something.

The OP has already clearly stated that the child’s mother does not want the clothes she provides to stay at their house.

The OP had already said that she is maternity leave and things are tight.

Very unkind to mock someone for not having the money to keep buying things they never see back. It’s wasteful and unnecessary.

You may be rich enough to buy new clothes every week but it doesn’t give you the right to scoff at others who don’t.

Check your privilege.

Get her changed as soon as she arrives at your house and use the clothes she arrived in on Saturday as her Sunday clothes to go out swimming and return home in. That way no clothes need to be washed over night

There are lots of solutions on here but I would leave this for your OH to manage. He can decide if he wants to wash the clothes or not.

So what? Unless it is court ordered, they don't have to do what she says. If she wants the clothes returned washed, she will have to wait for them. If she wants them returned no matter what then she will either need to supply a second set of clothes or have DD returned in them unwashed.

Single mum here, who has had the partner’s ex and the very difficult new stepmother.

I don’t take offence to using bonus child, this is bloody Mumsnet, if you have said dDD they would have eaten you alive and if you say DSD they would stone you to death assuming you’re the OW.

My advice is not to sweat the small stuff with a difficult ex. Change the girl into your home’s clothes when she arrives and back into her mum’s when she leaves. It is fucking beggars belief she is not allowing rotation of clothes between houses when she is not even packing a bag.

I used to send DS to ex in his clothes and ex always returned him in the old ripped clothes of his stepson who was much older than DS. It was expensive for me to keep replacing DS stuff, we could go to a full wardrobe of clothes within 2 months.

Tell her it’s not happening because it’s not possible. What is she going to do about it? Stand over you while you wash and dry it?
Tell her (again) that there is no need to pack a bag because she has everything she needs and you will either send the clothing back unwashed or wash it but keep it and send it back the next time you see her. Her choice but no more negotiation.
She is being ridiculous but so is your partner only seeing their poor child one night a fortnight so it’s difficult to have much sympathy.

You have her from 1pm on Saturday until 6pm on Sunday?
I think that is plenty of time to wash her clothes.
My son gets home from school at 4pm and we have his school clothes all washed and dried by the time he goes to school the next day.
Since September he has been wearing jogging bottoms to school so we have let him wear them after school.
We then put the washing machine on for a 15 mins cycle after he goes to bed at 10pm.
However, if you don't want to do it then fair enough.
Even let your husband sort her clothes out or get her changed into clothes she keeps at your house as soon as she arrives at 1pm before her clothes get a chance to get too mucky.
Then just put her back into the same clothes at 6pm on Sunday.

But you wouldn't call a stepson your son. In fact I did that then his mum would have something to say about it. However, even I refer to them as a bonus son that would be descriptive rather than to them where I would use their name - like normal parents do!

Personally I think it's sensible for clothes to stay at each house rather than being swapped between them, when children are too young to manage their own things. That way, each parent knows what they've got and (for younger kids, if relevant) can buy clothes to their own taste. I think she's being unreasonable to expect you to wash the outfit though. I'd just take it off when DSD arrives and put it on when she goes home.

Next time he takes her back collect the two jackets and anything else. Do whatever you want but stop pandering to this ridiculous woman.

Yes this, so creepy. A very short turnaround is the kid is only 5. You are not unreasonable to not agree to wash the clothes but you are for calling the child that!

Sad for the child that they aren't her clothes/toys/belongings.

Just get her changed into an outfit from yours as soon as she arrives and change back before she leaves. So no time to get her clothes from her mums dirty

@TiredMummma Further upthread, the OP has stated "when people refer to her as my daughter in public she prefers it when I let them know that I’m not her mum".

Not everyone likes it - this thread has shown the most antipathy to the term that I've ever seen - but "bonus child", "bonus mum", etc seem to be becoming more common. I see the expression all the time on American forums.

I've known some people to get stroppy when someone has used the term "stepdaughter" - it seems to be a no-win situation.

I guess that this resonates with me because I wasn't allowed to be "gran/nanny" or "step-gran" to my late husband's granddaughter - she was born 6 yrs after we got married. (No, I didn't break up the first marriage.)

I tried to avoid causing offence by referring to her as "the granddaughter" when speaking to others - didn't seem as cold as "my husband's granddaughter" and by her name or as "the bairn" when speaking to her mother, grandmother and uncle. That seemed to be acceptable, though I acknowledge that some would object to those terms.

Speaking as a step ‘child’, I love the term bonus child. It’s a positive! People are seriously reaching.

I fear you’ll find a solution to this current issue but there will soon be some other demand. Nothing you can do but roll with the punches and offer your bonus child a loving home to come to.

Because the OP has already made clear that the child’s mother is not willing to accept that compromise.

I don’t know why that’s so difficult for you and the other posters to understand.

I meant that Step-son involves the word 'son' which certainly bears a meaning of closeness. Alas Bonus child is a... Child. Like my neighbours child. Like a child in the park. Could be one of my own or could be anyone.

In the closest of relationships a Stepmum becomes Mum. Stepdaughter becomes Daughter. Bonus child is miles away from that moment. As OPs once a fortnight visiting Bonus child indeed is - miles away from being a Daughter to anyone within the house. The sparse contact definitely adds a different emotive layer to terms used. Maybe it would sound different to me in a more wholesome scenario.

Like I said, the mother cant do anything about it. It doesn't matter if she accepts it or not. She can't force them to wash the clothes and she can't force them to return the clothes any more than they can force her to return theirs to them.

You're all talking like this woman is the boss. She isn't. She doesn't have any power to make them do as she wishes. Even if she gets her solicitor to write a letter saying "wash/return the clothes each time" they still don't have to do it.

Of course the ex can 'do something about it' if the childs father fails to jump through the hoops she puts out.

She can come up with all sorts of spurious reasons the Bonus Child can't come this weekend - illness, prior super important event, death of a mystery relative, simply being out when OP's DP turns up to collect...

She has all the balls in her court and its quite clear (despite malicious posters determined to twist things otherwise) that OP's DP is trying to get more access and more contact with his daughter, and this is why the ex is being obstructive and awkward. Making demands like 'no we're keeping her clothes til next week' is just going to risk further spiteful responses!

You sure about that? Was only a few months ago she was blaming the low contact on her DHs job. Now it's the mum's fault all of a sudden?
He only wants more now that he's got a new wife to do it all...

Honestly, just wash them.

We had ours for 50% of the time, they came with a packed bag but we had lots of clothes. We tried to be fluid about the clothes until I opened the drawers to finf basically nothing and I had enough. I then started washing and sending back in same clothes.

yes it’s annoying and unreasonable but frankly it isn’t worth the hassle - put a quick wash on after she has pjs on (if she is five she must go to bed quite early) then pop the clothes in the wash, get her dressed into them the following day.

keep clothes at yours for longer stints and don’t involve her. If you send her in clothes that are yours say that you need them back but make sure you always send ‘hers’ back.

10 years if step parenting and this kind of rubbish it really isn’t worth the hassle of an argument

Nah. You don't give in to bullshit like that. Jumping through her hoops isn't going to get them more contact time with the child. As the child gets older court will grant them more contact time.

Could she get changed into clothes she has at your house when she arrives at 1pm.
Then have the clothes she arrived in ready to put back on when she's going. Saves on any washing.